BB,

And the parade of assumptions and generalizations continues. I don't know how anyone (JK) gets off telling you that your husband isn't broken or lacking in some way (a) when they've never met the man, and (b) when we are ALL lacking in some way. Sheeesh!

However...

Wouldn't you agree that you have some of your OWN issues to work through? Regardless of any faults or shortcomings your husband may have? And that those issues will be with you whether you stay in this relationship or move on to the next? Whether it's a midlife crisis of some sort, an unfulfilled need for attention and admiration, a desire for excitement, or whatever. Maybe that's the place to start. On yourself. A personal inventory of your personality, self-esteem, FOO issues, etc.

You may find, as others have, that when you start working on those things and applying some of the principles here to your marriage... that your entire perspective on your husband and relationship will change. For the better. It does happen.

Or... you might decide that you were right about your relationship with your husband after all. Then you can decide to end your marriage knowing that you really tried to make it better before giving up.

But I personally think you won't be able to make that determination, with any clarity, w/o doing the work on yourself first. IMO, working with a good counselor probably IS the best way to go about it... but there ARE other ways. I have some ideas if you're interested.

(((BB)))

--SC

My comments were in the context of someone who chooses to solve their problems by having an affair ONLY. Taken in that context, BB is the one who is lacking. We are ALL tempted. All of us, every day. Those who chose to "fix themselves" by acting on the temptation are, in my opinion, lacking something. Insight? self awareness? knowledge? who knows.

To the best of my knowledge, BB's H isnt having an A with BB's sister but perhaps Im wrong. In the CONTEXT of this post, if he were, I would certainly say that he was lacking.

But then again Cookie - You've been there and would know much more about that sort of thing than I would so perhaps you have special insight, eh?

Having an affair isn't the only way a person can be broken or lacking. Or mean. Or rotten. Or downright evil.

Yes, cheating is a sure sign that something is wrong w/i the cheater. And yes, as a matter of fact, I DO have A LOT of insight into that.

But listen to your own wording JK, "BB is the one who is lacking." The one. The only one. You flat-out said her husband's NOT lacking in your other post. And here you imply it.

He may choose to solve his problems by drinking too much. Or zoning out in front of the TV for hours on end. Or pigging out on french fries and cheese cake. Or smacking BB around. The point is, YOU don't know.

Just because we, the WSs, are indeed broken in some way... one of the FEW generalizations I will concede to... it does NOT mean our BSs are NOT lacking. (if you'll excuse the double negative).

--SC

Every person is "lacking" in some way or another. But not every person commits adultery. Only some commit the cruelest betrayal a spouse can commit against their spouse. Adultery is much more than just "lacking," it is the psychological equivalent of RAPE. So please, lets not define deviancy down here.

BB I know you are struggling with talking to your H. You need to tell him something. You don't have to tell him who, just that you are feeling very attracted to someone and you know it's because you are not getting something you need from him and you are telling him to keep from doing something to hurt him again. The who is really not what's important. It could very well be anybody. It's the why that matters. I was sort of in your shoes not to long ago and I had considered cheating on my DDH. I am so happy I came here for help instead of doing what I felt like doing at the time. Today I really realized what I could have lost and I felt so guilty for even considering being with someone else. I know my DDH can love me & our kids like no one else can.

Telling my DDH was the best thing I could have done besides comging here. Not only did telling him that I was attracted to someone that was attracted to me make him realize that our problems were worse than he was willing to admit before hand and 2. It kept me from doing something I would definitely regret. And for what? For someone who I hardly even give a second thought to and I am sure he feels the same way. He has probably moved on to his next victim by now. By victim I mean I refused to be a victim of a hit and run. They have lots of men that hit and quit I would have been a fool to give of a man who I know would not do that for one I know who is willing to cheat. I deserve better than that and so do you.

What my DDH and I did was print out and did the EN Q'aire and LB Q'aire and have been woking really hard to fix what was wrong in our R and it is better now than it has been in a long time.

BTW I agree with SM. I think you need to tell your BIL that if he can't at least respect your and his M for that matter that he can at least respect your H and you enough to not say or do anything that he would do to you in front of his wife or your H.

NO DIG, she has to tell him WHO. He has to know and has a RIGHT to know. The most important thing is his ability to protect himself, not the confession of her soul. He is the victim here and his interests come first.

The reason I said the who doesn't matter is because what she is calling an EA seems more like they have thought about doing things because she still hasn't gotten to the point where they have admitted feelings for one another. To me what she is saying is she is still at a crossroads.

She could very well be reading more into what her BIL is really doing unless he said he wanted to add her to his to do list. It could be all in her head. Just because she feels he is attracted to her and she thinks and I use that loosely that he likes her too doesn't mean she should tell her H she is having an EA. What if she does and then find out that her BIL never even thought about her in that way then she would have caused needless pain.

I say unless he comes right and confesses his lust for her or vice versa that she is doing a lot of speculating as well.

What if she BB goes up to her BIL and say I don't know if you have noticed, but I feel something between us and he says. I am flattered but I have never thought of you that way. Then what?

My IC told me that when your R is not going the way that we dreamed it would women more than men are likely to think if they change, Location, job, men, you fill in the blank that they would be happy. I think this is where she is and she has a chance to do the right thing before she goes down that slippery slope better known as the point of no return.

DIG, she may very well be imagining all this, but if she comes and tells her H the truth, she must tell him the WHOLE truth. Not telling him the WHO would not work. Her H also must know so he can keep them apart and watch them both.

From Penalty Kill


Yes, that's the ticket! Talk about the original poster in the third person. Assert that her interests are second to her H's because he's her victim. Oh, that's sure to get her to see the light. (and isn't that the point? Or is it?)

Right now her H may be in the dark as to his wife's fantasies, but it's a stretch to call him a victim.

It's so boring to see 2x4's swung on a WS like it is a badge of honor. It's so easy, like taking candy from a baby. Why not go for the challenge of a rational argument? It's not nearly as tough and ballsy, I know.

Here are my thoughts:

BB, you're already a FWW. Do you really want to remove that F? You've done it in your mind a hundred times now, I'm sure. Don't you remember that it's not nearly as exciting for real? And what about the pain? The OM you're contemplating is just just another guy - he's your H's brother. That ratchets up the pain about 1000%. Think it through.

Get into IC. Take a cold shower. Take up a dangerous new sport. Talk to your H and figure out what's missing in your marriage that you need a fantasy to escape.

But don't do this. It's not worth it - don't you remember that?

PK

Sounds like you need a midol, dear. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And yes, I DO assert that her interests are SECOND to her victim right now. He is being victimized behind his back, SHE IS NOT. She is the perpetrator, not a "baby" whose candy is being taken from her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you need that cold shower instead of bubblebath with this emotional screed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Well said ML. Hey, I see that assertiveness training has paid off! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mel I would understand your point if we knew for certain that her BIL was indeed attracted to her. However what if he isn't and she just thinks that he is and he hasn't done one thing to deserve his brother feeling like his brother has betrayed him. When you are living in fantasy land you make things as you would want them to be rather then the way they truly are.

As it stands we only have her side of the story. So maybe she should just tell her H that she is attracted to his brother since we know that to be true and not that he has reciprocated in any way. She has not said that by the way. She can't very well cause strife between the two of them without any prove to support her claims. Does that make sense?

I know I have seen my H's Uncle looking at me when he thought I hadn't notice with that hungry cat staring at a canary look. I wanted to tell my H because it made me uncomfortable but because he hadn't did anything other than look at me I didn't want to cause my H any heartache because his uncle hadn't done anything or said anything that I felt needed to be told. I see this like that. While she may have seen him giving her appreciative glances that doesn't mean that the man wants to hop her bones.

If she is to admit anything it should be what she knows as fact and that is what she is feeling not what she suspects her BIL intentions are.

sure enuf'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey MEDC can you believe it. We actually said the same thing. If you check out Gimble's post I said the exact same thing about Mel and the assertiveness training. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL. You guys are to much.

DIG, her husband should be told regardless under the policy of radical honesty. If it just an imaginary infatuation, then she would not tell the BIL about her feelings. But her H does need to know regardless so he can help her set appropriate boundaries.

And thanks so much for noticing my new assertive self! I been working hard on dat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok I agree he should know she (and I stress the she because it may well be she only and only she that feels this way.) has an infatuation with his brother. So that they can start addressing the problems in there R.

Yes Ma'am my Texas Darling is see now that you might not be as easy going as I thought orginally. What can I say but my bad?. BTW have you heard anything from HG?

awww, give yourself more credit!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You were a great assertiveness trainer; I caught on QUICK! LOL

Mel you are to silly.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know dis! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BB,

I thought I would respond to your responce to me...that make sense? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You said
BB, what you just said was a huge disrespectful judgement, DJ, of your H. The age you married is a factor in many things, but it is not a factor when discussing your marriage. You say you have changed, but your H has not. This suggests to me you don't know your H very well. I'll tell you why. You can take a survey of this site and ask one and all if an affair by them or on them changed their lives. The answer will be 100% they were changed. Your H has been affected by your affair more deeply than you realize and he HAS change I can assure you of that. You having the affair changed you, but sadly it does not seem positively because you are back in the mess again.

Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern, three times becomes an addiction. You need to face this. Your BIL is NOT the solution to this problem, oddly enough it is you and your H that hold the solution.


You are absolutely right a therapist would be a great help IF they are good. If not, then you waste your money. You think you have changed alot, and yet from my end of the telescope you have not. You have changed little from your first affair.

Frankly, you are still very young in my mind and I will tell you why. You still think there is the "perfect" man out there. The soulmate that will make all of your troubles go away. BB, I can tell you from alot of experience that there are MILLIONS of people out there that would be good for you to marry IF you were mature and viewed marriage in its proper perspective. Many of them are better than your H in one thing or another, some are better than him in EVERYTHING. It is a fact. By the same token, there are women out there for your H and yes the BIL.

But, here is the deal. There is a reason we take VOWS for marriage and that reason is that is was KNOWN way back when, it is known now, and it will be known in the future, that you will meet men the equal or better than your H. You took those vows for that very reason. You see as we go through life we do change, our needs change, our expectations change, and at any given moment there are people out there that might be able to meet our needs better than our spouse. Your spouse is changing and has changed I can assure. It may not be at the same rate or in the same fashion as you, but he is changing as well.

The institution of marriage complete with vows was created KNOWING we change, KNOWING we meet different people at different times in our life. It HAD to be a vow, or we would be swapping partners like rabbits. But, let me tell you from the other end of this marriage thing, there are great rewards in sharing a life with someone, the good and the bad parts. There is a great sense of accomplishment that comes from keeping your vows. The rewards are hard to describe my friend but life has a way of offering you great things IF you will only look at what you have.

I don't know how old you are nor your H, but I am thinking you are not very old, perhaps early 30's. I don't recall if you have children yet, but if you do, you are on a ride of a lifetime. If your life goes somewhat like mine, you will see your children achieve and accel, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and almost die <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> . You will share these things with your H, and he has to be strong enough for you to lean on. You have to be strong enough for him to lean on. You will share the death of your parents as my W and I have done. You will remember so many things.

BB, when I read a post such as yours I feel so sad, because you are missing the important stuff, and it starts with YOUR integrity, your guts, your love, and your commitment. There is sooo much I could tell you, and perhaps others here will share with you why it is rewarding to focus on your marriage and let it sustain you.
Of course this is true, you are having an emotional affair with BIL. There is not a snowballs chance in ****, that you can see the good in your H right now. That is part of the addiction of an affair.

Yup, the relationship is a no win situation. I agree completely. However, your marriage can be a win but here is what it is going to take. It is going to take a change in your perspective, not in you, your perspective. If that occurs there are a variety of paths your marriage can take that will end up well for you and your H.

You sound like a smart woman, and you see the issues with BIL being in your life no matter what. You also KNOW that there is now way your H isn't going to be devastated, because apparently he loves you. You also know the being with BIL will tear up his family as well. Finally, he is coming out of a failed marriage if he does divorce and it is unlikely that the baggage from that will go away.

So it is time to think, assess, and plan. There is a path out of this BB. Are you interested in taking it? If so, the folks here will help you.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL