Hello all,
I need some advice....I recently walked in on my H of 7 years, with OW in which he works with. That was 8 months ago, and I am still struggling with it...

After alot of tears and hurtful words, we have I guess decided to stay together...

BUT, he still works with OW...I will him credit, he has cut out all of the after work calls, and activities with her. H says he really doesn't talk to her that much at all, but in my gut, I don't believe him....

OW has told me many times how much she cares about him, feels that she lost because he didn't leave me, and that I didn't deserve to win....my question is what exactly did I win??? Not to mention, you are grown women, you knew what you were doing....

H feels that I won, because he didn't leave....and like I told him, having someone around physically doesn't not fill the void of lack of trust...

I just don't know if I am doing the right thing anymore, by staying with H.

I don't think you are doing the right thing by enabling his behavior. He is able to have his wife and still work with the OW???? NOPE... not in my book. If it hasn't already.... you can bet that the affair will rekindle (if it ever really stopped). NO CONTACT is imperative to success. And why in the world are YOU having any discussions with the OW? What purpose does that serve???

MEDC

lf, like we told you before, as long as they work together you can consider the affair ongoing. You are looking at years of this if you continue to enable the affair. If you can live with a husband has two women, then you have your man. If you don't like that set up, you might want to look into using Marriage Builders principles to see if you can bust this up. I don't know many women who would choose to live as you do.

No, he WON, because he gets away with keeping two women in his harem. You sure didn't get any prize by keeping him at home.

We are not recommending divorce, or that you move, lf. Only that you expose this affair and do everything you can to bust this up. Then if he doesn't end contact, you could get a legal seperation agreement that removes him from the home but forces him to pay your bills. You would then go into Plan B.

But if you continue to do absolutely nothing, this will likely end in divorce and/or a nervous breakdown. This affair has not ended and will not end until he has some motivation to end it. As long as you ENABLE the affair for him and his honey [I am sure she thanks you for your help] they have no motivation to end it.

BUT, you must do SOMETHING to help yourself or just learn to live with it. If you tolerate his affair without doing anything to stop it, you will be a volunteer. And you sure won't be doing your children any favors. They need you to buck up and be STRONG right now.

I have exposed the affair, all of his family knows, most of my friends know...I really don't know what else will change anything, without moving out...and I just can't do that to my kids....I can't do that to myself...I don't want to answer my kids everyday, where there dad is....

I keep looking for the good in him, I guess what I really am doing is trying to hide what I am really thinking...

I am just so scared.

lf, so it is ok for your kids to see their dad having an affair and their mother not lifting a finger to stop it?? Do you want your sons to grow up and treat their wives like that? Would you want your DD's to be treated like this? I don't get how in the world you could imagine that allowing your H to have TWO WOMEN would be a good lesson to children??

Secondly, I never suggested that you move out. You would want your H to move out.

WHO EXPOSED to WHOM? What was said? Have the OW's family members been told? Do the other employees know about the affair? Does your H OWN this company as a individual?

Ok, as far as my children knowing anything, all they know at this time is that OW is not a very good person and that there mommy doesn't like her...And no I don't want my son treating his wife like that, nor do I want my dd's being treated like that....but on the other page, do I want my children growing up without a dad because I couldn't keep him happy?

The day I found them I called his brother, whom came up to his work with me...then I told his parents, his dad doesn't really say too much about it...as far as people from his work, I really don't know who knows and who don't...I guess I thought it would be disrepectful to tell anyone there, I didn't want people having pity for me...

I just don't understand, because in any other area of my life, I don't have an issue standing up for what I believe in....and just can't do what I know is right in this situation.

You believe it is disrespectful to expose to the people at work, but don't feel disrespected by having your husband work with his ex-lover? And to boot, the ex-lover that tells you that you shouldn't have "won". YIKES!!!!

Start a solid plan. You need to get the strength to tell him that OW needs to go. You can keep your self-esteem AND your marriage.

Do you work outside of the home? How much of your fear is the fear of not making it on your own?

LF:

Another thread?

However, about this:

I don't want to answer my kids everyday, where there dad is....

You don't have to answer.

Just say: "Dad is with (in an age appropriate way) Ms. XXXX, a woman who he should not be involved with."

And then just keep answerring it that way. Others can give more fully informed and expansive answers.

If your H came home with a big black mark on his face that couldn't be washed off, you would tell the children that "Daddy has a big mark, but he will be ok, we are working on fixing it." "It will disappear when we get the right combination of cleaners/drugs/doctors"

OW and his A is a great big black mark. Until he decides to work the process of cleaning it off, you do not have to apologize for it.

LG

well, I seriously wonder, lf, because what you are doing is MORE LIKELY to lead to divorce. Doing nothing, as you are doing, only enables the affair. The longer they are together, the more cemented the affair. The AFFAIR is the greatest threat to your marriage.

EVERY DAY THAT THE OW IS WITH YOUR H IS ANOTHER CHANCE SHE HAS TO STEAL HIM.

I am sure she appreciates your help.

I do work outside of the home, and there is very little issue with me supporting myself, as well as my children, that is not my concern...

My concern is my children...

I have told him that the OW needs to go, his come back is you won't be happy until we don't talk at all...and I simply tell him....yep thats about it....its me or her....

lovingfool you feel the way you do because you have no plan grounding you in action and guidance...

you have been floundering in the D-Day way to long...

you need to get a plan..which will guide you and will give you time limit so that if and when you have to make big decisions you will be strong and ready to...

Plan A is allllllllllllll about contact between the OP and your spouse.....

you will need marriage counseling to fix this...

you also might consider counseling for yourself to have someone to sound off to....

you need to quit powerstruggling the contact...and learn to speak both your
love
pain
and
hurt....
to your husband...
right now you two are locked in a powerstruggle over her and contact and job...and it creates a nice smokescreen for him and even you on some levels....
to not deal with other issues....

here is a post about speaking your pain...in a different language...

feel free to say to WS in contact....


problem is you need to launch this less often then others since their pretty much might be contact every day...

but you must change your language so that when he says you won't be happy till we never speak..

you say back..

no my love I won't be happy till I am able to fullfill your heart unlike anyone else on this planet....as I desire you to fill mine....

or whatever...but change your language...

so you need to read on plan A
and you need to understand it..

so that you attract your husband back to you on many many levels.....

what are his "reasons" for the affair...
what does he say how and why he got to a place to have one....

what don't you understand about plan A as well...get as much information here

also consider calling the harleys....
they are good at talking to WS...

ARK

I just don't believe this. Because your enabling is the most likely thing to cause a divorce. Your H has no motivation to end his affair because you are enabling him.

If you really are concerned for your children, you should go get a legal seperation agreement and get him out of your house. Then hand him a Plan B letter tellng him not to contact you until he has ended ALL CONTACT. As it is now, he would be a FOOL to give up such a great situation where he is getting his needs met by TWO women.

But make no mistake, your appeasment plan is the MOST LIKELY thing to cause a divorce becuase it only entrenches the affair.


How is that working for ya?

Ok, I have a question, you say that my H is doing nothing to end the affair...he claims that he is feeling that he has ended the affair because he no longer talks to her after work, they no longer go out to dinner, talk at lunch...I am confused and scared...

You talk to me like it is so simple, like I should just give up him because he is not doing everything that I demand for him to do.

Maybe you are right, my H really doesn't care about me, but do my children need to grow up with out a dad because we can't get along?

where was this?

what were they doing?

what did they say?

loving..

you are not being told to give up on him..

I'm telling you to plan A your husband...
give it your all so that there would never ever be a reason for him to even want to talk to the OW...ever ever again...

those in TRUE recovery...
flee the other person....not because they still have feelings...but because there is NO point in seeing them or talking to them....

they see the great disvalue contact with the OP does to a recovered marriage...and they are doing all and everything in their control to never ever hurt their spouse like that again...

what's your every day like...

tight feeling in your chest and stomach
thoughts of him talking to the OW at work..
the two of them discussing how whiney and annoying you are still demanding no contact...
fearful of another battle when he comes from work each day

feeding right in to the controlling little woman...talks they can use to bind them together....

wouldn't it be nice for YOU to be free from that...

why arent' the two of you in pro-marriage counseling...

does he refuse...
why does he refuse....

confusion and scared feelings come from lack of feeling empowered....
feeling in control of what you can...

you aren't close to leaving him...
you need to get close to fighting for the marriage you and he are worthy of...

if you want a co-habitating relationship till the kids are eighteen...you can and have every right to go for that...

but marriagebuilders...strives for much more...
AND
it assists the person in finding themselves and their self...no matter the outcome...

ARK

At his work..

She was hiding in the closet with no pants.

He was in a hurry to get rid of me, until I seen the pants...than OW decided she needed to tell me everything I have done wrong...

Is this a large or small company?
Is either of them a supervisor above the other?


Is she married?


well of course he was ....



and what did your H do while this was going on?

Its the school district.
No she is not married

and he didn't do anything while she did this, she even told him a couple of times to talk up and he didn't say a word.