I have been to this site now for almost a year. I started reading just after my W confessed, after 25 years of marriage, that during the first 6 years of our marriage she had affairs with two separate men. I was told that the reason was during that time, I neglected her and was not nice to her. I just remember working very hard for us to survive. For all those years, I had suspected something was going on but could never prove it. I had asked her several times over the years but it was always denied. For many of those years, sex was a "neceassary evil" from her point of view and I only had sex on the mind. A year ago, I confronted her about the lack of intimacy in our marriage, that I needed her. I had reached a point that I was considering leaving, to the point of me actually talking to another woman. I told her that. That's when she confessed. I should say that during the last two years, I had been tempted several times but never went through with actually being with anyone. I am not proud that I even let my thoughts go there. So now a year later, I believe that she does love me, she has stayed with me all those years between, raised our children. I have told her that I will not leave her, that I just want to be with her. But I am still struggling, with the images that she did find two other men and was willing to give herself to them, but unwilling to give herself to me. I feel completely inadequate in all regards. I have been told that time will heal, but it doesn't seem to at this point. I keep struggling that she held this secret, and I wonder if other secrets, so long. She will not talk anymore about it, saying it is behind her, that she has dealt with it. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses. I am still struggling with this. I apologize for the rambling, and realize that I am not alone in this.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us. It is unfair of your wife to say that she has dealt with the affairs and just wishes to move on as if nothing happened. Even though it was a long time ago, it hurts just as much as if it happened yesterday.

I think you are going to have to talk to your wife and let her know that you need help getting through this.

There are several other men here working on the same thing - old affairs suddenly revealed. It is not easy, but your marriage can recover and go on to be better than before.

I am in a similar situation, I told my H that I needed to know the dynamics of the relationships so that A. this dosen't happen again and B. there is nothing to hide. I figured my h had so much to hide that the intimacy was tough for him. imagine having to watch what you say to avoid suspicion all the time. The barrier was huge. She needs to answer any questions you have. It might be behind her but its not for you. we are seperated right now because he continued to lie. Before it gets to that you need to figure out what you need to get passed it and she needs to cooperate

Thank you both, Believer and Doingfine, for the encouragement. I realize now that I did not question enough right after the confession. I was also dealing with the fact that I had almost crossed the line. Now, from her point of view, I should be getting over it, it's been almost a year. I know she does not want this exposed, no one else to know, as she has been so resistent to even the idea that I get counseling. The last time we did talk, she told me she was so very sorry, that she loves only me. She told me that she just doesn't want to relive the details. Am I asking for something that will not help either of us in the long run? The reality of our relationship for a long time has been that I feel I am walking on pins and needles all the time. She gets very angry when I try to talk about our past.

After25,

I don't have much time right now but please read Joesph's letter and show it to your W. Just click on the bookmark Joesph's Letter

God Bless,

JL