mebbe some of you hairy legged men type critters can give me some advice here...

So we are officially 1.5 years into TRUE recovery.

While I understand that most here do not have OC to worry over, the basic question/conundrum we are dealing with is something that ANYONE who has children would face in this mess.

What do you say to your fWS when they wonder aloud and worry over what they've done to the children?

To give you a fer instance, yesterday OCDD was sitting in the Wookie's lap watching TV. The Mickey D's ad comes on that has the ladies doing interprative dances representing pieces of the veggies in a salad. OCDD covers the Wookie's eyes with her hands and says, "Don't look Daddy." The Wookie asks why not and OCDD answers, "I don't want you to look and leave Mommy. I love Mommy."

Okay. MY first thought was, "What are they telling OCDD 'over there' that she thinks he's going to stray?"

The Wookie's first thought was, "What have I done to my 4 year old that she has to worry that I'm going to leave her mommy that she loves?"

Similarly, DD used to be very upset when Daddy would take extra part times....upset to the point of crying. Consistantly telling her Daddy isn't going anywhere and his CONSISTANTLY backing up his words with his actions have since aleviated her fears.

But HIS worry...what do I do? What do I say to him? I realize this is his to own...but how do I help him?

Faith has a quote on another board...something about if a woman forgives a man, she must not reheat his sins and serve them to him for breakfast...

I'll ask this on the other board, too...but I thought maybe some of you "more healed" persons could help...cos for once, I'm at a loss for words.

- Kimmy

My opinion

some damage cannot be repaired 100%

this is an example of the nail-hole story, I'm afraid

There once was a little boy who had a bad

temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

and told him that every time he lost his

temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

of the fence. The first day the boy had

driven 37 nails into the fence Over the next

next few weeks, as he learned to control his


anger, the number of nails hammered daily

gradually dwindled down. He discovered

it was easier to hold his temper than to

drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't

lose his temper at all. He told his father

about it and the father suggested that the

boy now pull out one nail for each day that

he was able to hold his temper.


The days passed and the young boy was finally

able to tell his father that all the nails

were gone. The father took his son by the

hand and led him to the fence He said, "You

have done well, my son, but look at the

holes in the fence. The fence will never be

the same. When you say things in anger,

they leave a scar just like this one. You

can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm

sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

wound is as bad as a physical one.

When the kids are old enough .... tell them the nail-hole story....

this is why we need to be careful about our choices .... not everything can be fixed the way we wish it could be fixed

Pep, thank you for posting that story. I'm sure i will need to find a way to express this to my son someday, and that story will fit well with what he may go through.

Thank you Pep.

Am forwarding this to the Wookie.

I wish...well...I wish I could pull a rabbit out of my boohooba and say the magic words (not nec. in that order) that would cause him to see that it's not the past that will define how the children behave and grow...but what we DO today.

(does that make sense?)

Argh.

I know. I know...it's his to deal with...but in a way it's mine too...

In reality

this is most likely to cause problems when the kids become teenagers

and

I don't think there is much you can do to prevent it except lay a loving foundation today and live your lives in a way that sets the example of what to do AFTER a huge error in judgement