Background:
My letter to MB Radio Show:

Dear Mrs. Harley:

I am a listener from Texas. Thank you and the good Doctor for your
wonderful radio show.

My wife of 26 years and I have been really struggling with our marriage the
past 4-5 years.
I found Dr. Harley¹s books three years ago and read them little by little,
however my wife
didn¹t want to read anything suggesting a possibility of saving our
marriage.
During this time I also visited the MB website and found tons of good
information,
basically informing me that I had failed, in a big way to meet my wife¹s EN,
starting with the
first year of marriage way back in 1980. My number one failure was time, I
worked long hours
away from home, and I wasn¹t a good listener, and I made demands, etc.

Also I noted that none, not one, of my top 3 EN, have been met by my wife on
any kind of consistent basis
in 15 years, or more. Of course my work schedule is part of this issue.

I need your help, actually I need answers.

Here are some facts for a quick ³snapshot² of our marriage:

In 1994 she did speak to an attorney for advice on how she might end the
marriage. Consultation only, no action taken.
Of course, ³His Needs, Her Needs² was in print, and I regret not finding it
then, but I got busy again and took few
steps to change for her or us.

4 years ago she said ³I don¹t think we should be together.² (More on this
later)

We have 3 daughters, one, 19, in college, and two (twins), 17, juniors in
high school. Wonderful
young women, largely because of their mother being at home and in their
lives since birth.

We are Baptists and attend church as a family frequently.

I have been in Plan A for about a year, with occasional slip-ups, angry
outbursts, requests for affection (sex), turned down 100%
of the time, frustration, etc.

We have not made love in 19 months, and it was 6 months prior to that the
time before. My wife was passionate prior to marriage, but within the first
two years
most of that was gone. Though when she turned 40 she became more daring and
willing to try new things with me.

We do not sleep in the same bed and have not since the second year of
marriage,
her choice. I often snore, and she grinds her teeth, and she can hear an
ant walking at fifty paces.

I felt a real disconnect between us about 5 years ago.

I am the sole provider (small business owner), my wife has not worked
outside the home in 20 years.
My business allows us to live very well, but, alas, sadly alone... together.

I married her out of her father¹s house. She has always been provided for.
This was a mistake I know now.

My wife¹s recreational companions are two women (single) in their early
fifties, and two males (single) in their early thirties.
Every Saturday they meet for lunches, dinners, movies, ballgames, etc. I am
not included in these outings, though often I am working.
I know all of these people, one of the women for 30 years.

My wife is 49 and still a cute and beautiful woman.

My wife was an only child, I am one of four boys, no girls in my family
growing up

Two years ago she wanted me to sit down with her friend from church, an
attorney, I agreed, if she would agree
to MB phone coaching with your son, Steve. She agreed and we had 4-5
sessions. When it came time
to ³chart a week-at-a-glance² of what or how we might meet each other¹s EN,
she told Steve, she did not
want to, and did not continue any more sessions. (More on this below.)

She has filed for divorce as of Thanksgiving 2006. I now have an attorney.

A little over a month ago, I confirmed after years of believing her lies,
and she doesn¹t as a rule lie, that she has been in an emotional and sexual
relationship with one of the single RC men, above, for 8-16 months starting
in fall of 2002. Though ³nothing is going on now.² However, they are still
together socially a few times a month, as friends, with the other friends.
She said, she was going to ³take that to her grave.² But I snooped for a
year, and confronted the single man, and he did not lie to me.
I don¹t have all the details, but she did admit it. These meetings mainly
happened when I was out of town on business, or so I think. Then she would
come home to our
daughters as if nothing had happened. Unbelievable, if you had known her
when we were dating. Fog, indeed! She says she does not love him or me.

Got though the holidays, again, and are often very friendly to each other,
though I feel like a Dad or brother in her eyes. She is occasionally a bit
playful.
I am trying to apply all MB changes to my life, and support her in
everything, but she hasn¹t come back, though she did recommend your MB
resources to
another couple we know who are struggling. Odd??!!

So here are the Questions:

1.) Am I stupid to continue to hope in a hopeless situation? Over
two years of this.
2.) I love her, though she does not meet any of my top 3 EN
anymore. Is it time to quit? My love is fading a bit every week.
3.) Is there something I have not done, or should do? My heart
says ³Try,² but my mind says maybe not.
4.) Do I want this women? I have heard you ask this on the radio.
29 years together, 26.5 married. I don¹t really know anymore!
5.) We are moving towards divorce in the next three months. Is it
too late for Plan B? What might it do to the situation?

Hope that wasn¹t too long winded.

Regards,

J

Texas

PS: Keep up the good work, you help thousands of couples everyday. I get
it, now!!!