Where to begin..

I'm at 25 year old female, who got married when I was 22 (or 23? I don't remember), and to put put it bluntly, I feel like I am dying inside.

I got married as kind of a split second decision; I was at a bad place in my life, and along came this guy who was stable, cute, and someone my mom would love. However, I now know that I am NOT in love with this man. Don't get me wrong, I love him as a person, as a friend, as someone to talk to, to depend on. But that intense love feeling.. it's not there. I am not attracted to him at all.. and I feel like I am walking through this marriage doing the things I am supposed to do, you know, to be a good wife. Lately I feel like I have been slipping away. I feel like I'm becoming someone that I'm not, as if I have been muted and silenced. I feel like the person who I was, who I love is slowly fading away due to lack of use. My husband is a high strung man who lacks self confidence, and it seems we are constantly fighting about the silliest things, things I don't even want to fight about, but he will follow me around and pursue these ridiculous arguments that stem to his lack of self worth and understanding. To put it plainly, I'm just not in love with him, and though people have said "seek counseling" I am just doubtful if that will be helpful, as it's not one particular thing that he does that can be fixed... I'm just not in love with him, is that even possible? Maybe I am being selfish and just want to giveup but I feel like when it's time to move on, it's time. I have often asked myself "would you still be with this guy had you not married him"? The answer is no. I would not be. I would have left ages ago due the fact that we are just not alike. He is needy, jealous and has attempted at times to be controlling. When he is around I don't hang out with my friends much because they honestly have told me that I am changing (and not in a good way) and while they like him as a person, they do not like me as a person. They say I'm different around him; nervous.. as if I'm waiting around to see what he'll be mad about next. I don't want to be that person.. I want the old me back. He is in the military (we met on a similar boat when I was in) and he is away on deployment. What scares me is the fact that I do NOT miss him at all. I feel free.. relaxed.. alone.. and it feels good. He asks me if I miss him constantly.. and I don't. I tell him I do.. but I don't. I think to myself how happy I am that I can do whatever I'd like around the house and not get lectured about not immediately washing a dish after use.I've talked to everyone I could think of talking to (except professional counseling) and honestly I get one of two responses: you made the choice, deal with it (mother), God won't forgive you for divorce (religious friends), and then you've changed, you need to leave, you're unhappy, I'm watching you shrink away (friends). I have no clue what direction to turn to, my mother saying what she said was complete shock. I guess my question is, when do you decide to make a decision for yourself, or do you do what is better for others? I feel like I am walking around with a 80 lb wieght on my shoulder with the word "guilt" enscribed on it. I have never been unfaithful, but in the last month it has tempted me like no other, and I don't know why. I mean I suppose I'm searching to fulfill those gaps that I am missing, but I would never want to disrespect him.

I'm sorry if this is a long ramble but this what state of mind I feel I am in.. please any thoughts would be appreciated, otherwise thank you for the chance just to vent.

You first need to inform your H of your feelings.

Will it hurt... Of course... But not as much as finding out this information, and topped off with infidelity.

You basically lied to yourself and your H. Selling a life long commitment, that you can't or won't fulfill.

You either attempt to connect with your H, or end it. But do one or the other before you go shopping for a replacement.

I would also recommend you lock yourself down until your H returns from Deployment. You are aware of the sitch your in, and also what this would do to him.

Best wishes to your and your H.

JKT (USN ret)

Welcome to MB, Caligrrl.

A couple of things jump out at me. The "I love him but not in love with him" bit is something that wayward spouses often say. Later you say you've been tempted to stray but haven't.

Are you in an emotional affair with someone?

Another thing - that infatuated, "in love" feeling comes and goes. A permanent relationship is not filled with that butterfly feeling. Real love is deep and abiding, and it does wax and wane from time to time, but it is constant in that it is always there, whether it's up or down.

So you need to ask yourself those questions - are you diminishing what you feel for your H because someone else is pulling you in another direction? If so, then you need to take a step back and re-focus yourself. You *are* married, so unless you can make a clear decision to divorce, THEN move on, you need to stop whatever you're doing that is pulling you away from your marriage.

You are also laying a lot of blame at your husband's feet. That's also something a wayward spouse often does to justify leaving or having an affair. What parts of this do you own? It's hard to look in the mirror - but it's necessary. Sure he's not perfect, but none of us is, and the first place to start is to take a look at oneself and see what we should be doing.

I do think seeking counseling is a good idea. Read the articles on this website if you haven't already. Please do not stray from your M. If you are involved in an emotional affair, STOP.

If you are unwilling to stop that and be the best wife you can be to the man who pledged to spend his life with you, then you need to just do what you need to do and get the divorce and let this man move on with his life. Nobody needs or wants to have somebody stay with them "just because". If you can't commit to being a good wife and loving your husband, then you'll have your answer.

Since you came here - to Marriage Builders, I have to think that in some way you want to repair things before they hit the point of no return. This site and its articles and counseling is a good place to start.

Good luck on your journey.

JinGA

Cali,

I'm glad you decided to post here. That took some courage and it shows that you still care.

I'm no expert, but let me offer one thing to consider as a betrayed spouse...

You are at a crossroads in your life. There are many choices in front of you, and you can make choices that you will look back on and be happy with, or you can make choices that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

I want to encourage you to be very careful.

If your marriage does not survive, please let that happen without bringing the pain of an affair into the situation. The pain will not only be for your husband but for you also. I glad that your withstood your temptations last month. That speaks highly of your character.

There are many people here with a lot of great life experience. I hope that you will take the advice you get to heart.

Cali,

I'm speaking to you as a BS who's wife cheated on him while he was deployed. I'm sure she could have written your message exactly as you wrote it.

Here's the things. I didn't know she was feeling this way and she brought it all up in the worst possible way and time you can imagine.

Infidelity will kill you with guilt if you go down that path. Don't let it tempt you.

Here's what I would do.

Wait for your H to get home and write him a letter expressing exactly how you feel. Write the letter so that it doesn't lead to a fight and an argument.

I would make sure you put on there that you want to find a solution to this and you want to do it with him. I would make it clear that you are very seriously thinking about divorce and I believe it is ok to admit that you are vulnerable to an affair because you are so unhappy, but that you don't want to disrespect him or your marriage, your vows or your family.

You need to understand that we men see what we want to see in our relationships. We think, "she's not complaining so everything must be ok". Or, "that argument is behind us and she hasn't brought it up again. Must have been hormones/stress/depression/insert excuse here".

We will see things when we get walloped upside the head. Otherwise, we think they're ok.

Trust me, if you H cares at all he will take what you write him and listen.

It's obvious that he does things you don't like and those things make big withdrawls from your love bank.

I married my W at your age. She was young as well.

Don't be fooled by thinking love is the high you get when you meet someone. That's not love. That's hormones and chemicals and they wear off.

I'm so glad you came here and this will be the best place for advice. The people here know what they're talking about and I'm sure there's tons of women that have been in your shoes, are in this forum, and would give anything to have done what you did instead of having an affair.

You did the right thing by coming here.

Good luck and listen to what others have to say.

My husband is in the reserves, and I used to feel the same way when he'd be gone for his weekend drills or AT.

I thought that there must be something wrong with me, that maybe I didn't love my husband. Why wasn't I like the wives I'd see in the movies, running to meet their husband, leaping into his arms and crying?

How horrible would it be for me to tell my husband that I actually enjoyed having time alone sometimes? What was wrong with me?

Then I read Dr. Harley's book--His Needs, Her Needs.

It was like a lightbulb went off.

Dr. Harley says that it's almost impossible to retain feelings of intimacy for a spouse that is gone often.

There was nothing wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the circumstances of our relationship.

Before you throw in the towel, please read that book.

Those in the military have the deck stacked against them. In order for military marriages to survive (and thrive), they need (IMO) even more work than a "normal" marriage, due to all of the time spent apart and the constant anxiety that surrounds a deployment.

In my situation, I also fell into the trap of thinking my husband needed me to be the stoic military wife, never putting up much of a fuss when he'd leave. After all, it was an obligation and it was also something he loved--who was I to rain on his parade?

Well, turns out he took my stoicism as indifference.

He wound up having an affair during the deployment that is still ongoing.

Wow, thank you for all the response. Very in depth and thoughtful. Thank you very much also to all the military members/dependents that responded. I am former military and the things you all reminded me of helped with a clearer perspective on things.

JinGa- Point blank, physically, no, emotionally, sort of. I think I do sometimes want from others what I can't get from him emotionally.



I guess another way to put what I'm feeling is perhaps possibly I'm just let down all together by marriage. I feel like all the dreams I had of what my husband would be like when I was young.. well it's just not there. I feel like we just don't have much in common. I want to goto the museum, to the park, here, there.. he wants to watch tv. I just don't feel like we motivate each other. I know that when you get married it's not the infatuation feeling 24/7.. I know.. but, I just expected more. I dated a guy once for two years and I felt there was more attraction and passion in that relationship.. Forgive me if I sound selfish, I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts as I type them. I'm also sorry if I came off as laying the blame at his feet. I guess it's just my disappointment flaring up. I know he despises the fact that I don't pay enough attention to him. He always wants to cuddle, needs constant attention, and me on the other hand.. I always want to be left alone. I don't want to sit with him out in the living room for hours while he's watching some show about building cars.. but if I don't.. he gets mad. But why should I have to? I'm a very independent person and I enjoy my alone time, and when he comes home I feel if it's a constant nagging at me, like a child pulling at a mothers sleeve. I know he wants attention.. but how do I make myself not annoyed about it? I don't know how.. I don't. A part I left out.. he's from Kentucky, and his parents.. oh man. I do NOT like his parents. I've tried for years now, but I just cannot accept the way they conduct themselves, as it is the exact opposite as I was raised. They drink at every chance, they are loud, rude, and very "in your face". I believe they also have addictions to prescription pills as I alway see them sliding eachother pills at the dinner table. I shouldn't judge.. but all I can think is, "these are going to be the grandparents of my child?" His dad beat him as a child, beat his mom, and has just recently overcame his violence. He can still just be a complete a**hole to his mother now, I remember when they came to the airport to pick us up once, she was crying. She started to tell me how he kicked her out of the car about her not taking his side about something. It terrorified me. In his defense, he has been pretty good about not repeating the patterns of his father, but I see alot of similar traits. He likes to drink alot and cannot drink without putting himself in a complete stupor. It's gotten to the point if we are going out socially with our friends we cannot decide who's turn it is to drive because I can't count on him not to overdo it. God I love him, I do. I just feel like part of me is not committed to this anymore, and I'm worried that there might be a period of intentional self destruction (and I do not mean that in the cheating sense, I just mean emotionally trying to destroy the marriage). The military life has def. put a strain on it. I'm used to being the one in the military, not being the military wife. It's a hard position to have. I see so many of these other wives that are just sad and easily fall back into routine when their H's come back. Me.. I feel strange. I feel uncomfortable.. almost dreadful at times.. like I have to put on this fake side of me, to pretend like I enjoy spending ten straight hours around him. I don't know.. I just don't.. I also know that his father wants him to move back to KY to take over the family business, which I do not want at all, but I do not feel I have the choice to stand in his way... but again, I do not want to go. His father stays out working until 2 am and then sleeps til 5am, then back to work, and his mom is fine with this. I'm not. As bad as it is to say, I want him far away from his parents. Do you know we took a vacation to MX and when we were eating dinner his dad told him to goto the restroom with him, and his dad ended up buying some illegal substance (ryhmes with boke) and even OFFERED it to him!!!!!!!!! My H said no but he came back and told me, and said "don't tell my mom". Okay, so that's okay to keep secrets from spouses like that? I'm just so wary of what the future holds...

Cali,

I lost a long post yesterday. So here's the cliff notes version.

You need to shut down all contact with the OM who is pulling you in a direction you need to avoid! Please listen, and read thru these threads, as well as order the books.

Fall in Love, Stay in love.
His needs her needs.

Be very thankful you are not like most who found this site after the damage was done. believe me regardless of M survival, it is painful destructive for ALL involved.

You have a great opportunity here.

I suspect you have told the forum more about your feeling, than your H is aware of. Probably best to keep this one under wraps until he returns.

I would suggest you focus on yourself immediately. I.E. Independant Counceling.

I also sense your In Laws "IL's" are a big concern when you think about your future, and it sounds like you have reason for concern. But... This should be a backburner item that is put on the table AFTER you get your personal feelings out, and begin the process of correcting what is wrong or lacking under your own roof.

Keep reading and posting!

-JKT

Cg,

Your emotions are all over the place. You may have married him on a whim but the commitment was for a lifetime. Don't forget it.

Instead of telling him how you feel (since your posts are even confusing to read), it may be best to ask him how he feels about the M and his thoughts on improving it for both of you.

Read the book: His Needs/Her Needs.

If you can, schedule a call to Steve H or Jennifer C @ MB.

You need some direction and a plan for you and then for your M.

What you have maybe worth saving but you both seem a bit immature and already have baggage from your individual childhoods which you both need to individually and as a couple deal with.

It will take effort and work. Best t/d it together. You may be what he needs to bring balance back in your life and visa versa.

JMHO,
L.

Hi guys

Again, very sorry about the "all over the place" feeling of my posts, but like I've said, that's truly the thoughts that are flying around in my head. Imagine my thoughts as a chaotic kindergarten class; one thought running this way screaming and another the opposite direction. Thanks to those who tried to tread through them though, much appriciated.

I've given much deep and long thought over the past few weeks and I have realized and agree with you all that I must not let myself crumble in the light of temptation, and try to focus and put my all into this.

I do not just want to give up, if it fails, I want to know that I tried my hardest. Obviously the path of which I was thinking a few weeks ago is NOT the right way, and I couldn't ever imagine hurting him.

Of the inlaws.. I'm still lost on that subject. I do predict future headaches and heartaches where they are concerned. I do know that the time will come when he is ready to move back to KY to run the business, which I do not want. One step at a time I spose.

Thanks though.