Ok, there was a very, very cute boy that lived next door to me growing up. I was a young skinny cowgirl, he was a little older, wiser and I had the biggest crush on him growing up. I turned 18 and found out it was mutual, he invited me on a trip that I declined but we started up a five year romance. Partly I didn't want my conservative parents to know so we "ran around" I guess you could call it. I went off to college and he wrote me letters, during summers we'd get together and even he said there was such an amazing chemistry. During a time when few college kids traveled I went off to Asia riding motorcycles and hitch hiking at the age of 20. He thought I was cool, others thought it was crazy.

He said he'd marry me one day, I told him I needed a college degree first. I took off to Alaska the summer before I graduated. He wrote love letter to me, telling me I was adventurous but still his long legged cowgirl. He thought I'd get it all out of my sytem and come home. Of course we both had others in those years and then came summers... I ran off to Europe, wrote him some postcards somewhere between the biggest world celebration in Berlin of the wall coming down and pre-war Yugoslavia. On a train I wrote in my journal that these days would end and one day I'd be home with children and Good Housekeeping rather then sitting on a backback traveling for months. Finally I came back to finish my last semister, I packed everything I owned in a red mustang and headed to Washington DC to change the world. He claims I never came home and said goodbye. I had a degree in political science and journalism, where else would one go with that degree? What was he thinking, my small town? Just a month before we'd ridden horses together in the lush pastures and the romance... nothing's ever quite matched, he was right about that. I sent a few letters from Washington DC, something about meeting people like Sam Donaldson and Andrea Mitchell because of some major event in congress. Watching Senator Kennedy stand just a few feet from me. Hanging out with reporters who'd covered the previous war in the Middle East - remember the milk factory reporters - I met them... But one day I looked up at the sky, there were no stars, I couldn't breathe, a lobbyist had told me recently at a bar there's no changing the world in Washington DC, lobbyists rule the town, idealism is no more. One day I packed everything back in that red mustang.

I never made it back to my home state, I went to another. This state I've been in over a decade. I worked for a top lobbyist that was a crook, then worked for the governer. I wrote a letter to my first love, he said he thought I was going to be state senator myself. He asked why I never said goodbye to him when I moved to Washington. He said I was still a cowgirl at heart. There was a Judd song about that but in reverse, what about me? What about the girl waiting at home for the cowboy next door to realize she was the one? I thought of us when I heard the song. I moved to be a journalist in a small town, started up my own publications, made money, flew to Europe a time or two, met a banker and married. My first six months of marriage I even told my ex, this isn't it. It's not. My ex had been married before so went comfortably into "husband/wife" mode that I knew nothing about, to him it meant constant nitpicking. I hated my life. He cheated. I drug him to counselors, my old boyfriend was right, I was the cowgirl I was raised to be with country values, I wasn't raised to get a divorce. Marriage became violent, I still stayed. I left, and while gone a month I called HIM and didn't have to nerve to talk to him, just hung up like a 16 year old girl would. I think I had to have a lot of drinks of wine to even call him that night.

The other night I called my cell company asking how to block a cell call phone number to caller Id. I did it again, I called him just to see if a woman answered the phone. Like a 16 year old girl, called and hung up. He answered. I was shocked to hear his voice, I haven't talked to him in 10 years. Only contact was the hang up call my first 1-2 years of marriage when I left my husband. That night I had a dream that I moved home and we ended up together. It was so real I woke up shaking all over. I can't even imagine what would happen if I really called and talked to him - ok I'll admit last night I did a background check on him, found out his new address, that he likely doens't have a wife, every speeding ticket and even that he didn't wear his seat belt. I found out neighbors. I googled his sisters and learned about his family as they are quite public. One reason I think he never married is all of his older siblings have been divorced over and over again. He said it years ago, he was afraid from what he'd seen, and he didn't think there were many happily married couples out there (now I have to agree with him, soul mates are rare).

So ok, should I call him or not? I really am going to finish up this pathetic divorce process. I've been separated for 2-1/2 years, there's been no reconcilation efforts by my ex - he lives two states away. I wont' even travel home to visit family for 2-3 months. So by the time I do see him if we do decide to meet up won't be until this divorce is really on it's way. But I'm almost 40, not 20 and skinny. I'm sure he's just as cute as ever although I'll admit even 10 years ago he'd aged himself. So I wouldn't be the only one right? Just wondering what it would be like to see him, if I should even call him. I'm half tempted to get it over with tonight after a few more glasses of wine. The neighbor that I told the story to said at the very least he'll be flattered, he said to tell him I have all his old letters, he claimed he would be happy I called.

I don't know. Guess I need to know I've been obsessing about him a week now. I hope it's not because of a horrible divorce. But through the years I've thought of him, and the strangest thing is there's been so many recurring dreams about him - over and over again - about us getting together. Sometimes we are young, sometimes we are older. But it's always a happy country setting. I wonder if he's ever looked back. Why did he write all of those letters and follow me around the world like he did? My friend says we were both avoiding commitement, we were both commitment phobic and I think she was half right. So in the back of our heads we both had someone. Yet there was always something - another country, my business, whatever that I had to do, I don't know that he really thought I'd move home or not. What if I had, would he have run anyways? Would I? It doesn't seem like we had anything other then romance and some bond that went on year after year - I don't know what it was really. I have journals where as a young woman from 18 through my early 20s he was alal I ever talked about. On and on about him and every meeting, how cute he was... young girl "stuff." What would it be for a 39 year old woman?

Horsey,

The Road Not Taken. I am your age, and I, too, wonder what would have happened if I took a different path. It's easy to conclude that I took the right path because I have my children. Thinking about what might have been is a pleasant diversion. But it shouldn't be all-consuming.

If I were him, I would be thrilled to hear from you. To be honest, however, you seem down (for obvious reasons) and understandably needy. It's not the best mentality for starting a relationship. When things mellow out for you, that would be a good time to call. Right now, you have Cinderella, Castle in the Sky kind of dreams about this guy, and no one can live up to that kind of expectation. There is good and hopefully not too much bad about a relationship with him, and when you can see both, you would be better able to create a great relationship.

Others might not agree on that advice, but I hope that most would agree with me in -- "Go slow"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Giles

Yes it's true I might come across as "needy" yuck! I'm so NOT the needy type. Yes the Cinderella idea is wonderful isn't it? Someone to take me away from this mess? I just called my mom, she said I could indeed stay for free with her in her home in my old state for a year, she lives in CA half the year anyways.

I just wish I could go home, have him save me, that's that.

Maybe it's a "sign" from God that I shouldn't call him tonight as my cell died.

I DID NOT TAKE THE RIGHT PATH because I wouldn't have my boy, you are right. That couldn't have been the right way. My boy is MY LIFE. But what if I had my LIFE with my BOY? Do you see the DREAM? My celll won't work, it's the only phone I have, and I've charged it in my car - I have no internal charger as my boy ate that at about 1 years old - so how about a "sign" not to call him?" I drank too much wine besides my cell not charging. Desperate woman. You might be right.

*sigh*... the dream <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But then if the dream was real, we wouldn't call it a dream would we? We tend to idealize people, particularly that we don't have and when we are lonely and when we are in want.

Of course, perhaps there's some therapy in living the dream for a weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But I suspect if you attempt to live the dream, you're likely to get a cold hard slap by reality one day and you'll suddenly wonder what happened to your dream and you'll wonder who in the world the man you find yourself is and where did he come from and where is did your dream boy go...

Am I making sense?

Yes some "dreams" are meant to be just that... dreams.

It's sort of like the saying "don't go back".. I fell in love with Prague before it became the second Paris, right when it opened after the wall came down, I was there when most from Czech hadn't left their country and grew up under communist rule... me and a friend walked the streets of Prague, admired the castles, listened as musicians played guitar on the famous bridge, beer was 2 cents, meals were 30 cents, we were rich there, young and in love with life. I bought crystal and other things to ship home. The mistake was going back about a month later, the leaves had fallen off the trees, it was cold, I was tired and it wasn't the same city.

I think relationships are like that in some way, we idealize them looking back, but to go back? What would happen? I did get a small taste of trying to go back to this "boy" about 10 years ago, he had a girlfriend so I only stayed a little while at his house, he was so stuck in the past, still wearing his Wranglers like he was 25, his hair had gotten quite grey, he had Elvis on his wall, his lived next door to his mommy, he still couldn't cook a meal for himself that didn't come out of a box, he talked about the good old days... you know it really was rediculous. Reality. And just think about 10 more years later what it would be like? He lives in an $800k house according to the background check I did on him, he inherited money, but you gotta know he has the same mentality as before don't you? A real thrill for him would be to cross the county line. And even with his inheritance he's likely still driving trucks, the same route he's had for 30 years. Can you imagine the reality of this? What would we talk about for goodness sake? His horse that died 20 years ago that he still is sad about? The elvis records? The 1970 something truck I'm quite certain he still drives?

I think you are quite right, this little dream of mine is a nice one isn't it? Very safe and harmless? I think seeing him would be a cold hard slap as you say, very cold. I don't think he'd have a clue how cold it would be - he'd still think everything was "cool" and his long legged cowgirl had come home. Likely he'd cheat on whoever he was with as I don't think the guy's had a monogamous type of lifestyle.. and now that he has money, you can imagine the women he's lined up. Oh well, bye, bye little dream.