Folks, I think I'm done here. I appreciate the encouragement, advice and counsel. Unfortunately I do not have the patience or heart left in me to carry on this fight by myself.

I intend to give my wife an ultimatum this evening, and allow her until noon on Sunday to decide whether she wants to be a wife and mother or a single woman. I simply cannot take her lies and deception any longer. I don't know how I could ever trust her, ever again.

Unfortunately, I feel as if she's going to have a hard hard life, and that makes me a little sad. that little bit of sadness is what makes even pause for a second before calling her.

Has anyone else ever gotten to the point where they can no longer continue the one-sided battle? I just don't see any successful way out of this situation. I have lost hope.

And I found out today that the OM isn't 26 almost 27 as she's told everyone - he's 22. This is almost like some sick episode of Nip/Tuck. She's seeing a guy that is barely older than our daughter?!?

circumstances get even better.

found out today that 'the kid' is best friends with and used to date one of my friends' daughters... so... my wife is dating a boy that is in the same circle with my children.

I'm done.

FLB (if I may be so informal),

Sorry but I'm not buying the snit fit. I'm not buying it because I've done it - repeatedly - and I know you're lying.

You are saying you're done. But your reason for being done is all about OM, his age, who he dated, etc. I've told you (how many times?) that OM is not now nor never was your problem. Somehow you have been given new info on him and it has sent you into a rage.

Good.

Now get over it.

If you are done, fine. Boot her [censored] out the door. But just do it already and don't whine about it.

If you are just pissed off, go do some more push-ups and then decide what you want to do.

I said earlier that WW is making it easier for you to let go each day - but it doesn't happen overnight. Your abrupt change says you are angry and you want to retaliate against WW.

You said you would never be able to trust her again. No [censored], Sherlock. Why should you? Why would anyone? Blind trust is for the blind. Don't ever FULLY trust another human being again - ever. Nothing wrong with that.

I think you got triggered. I don't know by what or who but I recognize the symptoms. I think you went from calm to blinding rage over something. Well this won't be the last time either.

Can you let this go now and tell yourself that you are satisfied that you did what you could to save the M? Great. Let go.

Now is the time for a serious Plan B. She is at mom's? Cut of all contact except as necessary for the kids. Speak through an intermediary. Don't even exchange emails or SMS with her. Get her as far out of your mind as possible.

Whether the OM is 26, 22 or 12 doesn't make a rat's [censored] worth of difference. Okay maybe 12 is illegal. The point is this A is doomed from the start. Your WW will live in constant fear that this 2Xish OM will always be attracted to younger, prettier wives than yours. She will become psychotically paranoid. Maybe Demi Moore can pull it off but I'm betting your WW cannot.

The worst pain you could inflict on her is to give her to OM. Stop trying to protect her from herself. Start trying to protect your family. WW is not your responsibility.

all 3 kids are playing me against her.

I'm not an insane spouse.I'm not psycho. All I want is reconciliation. My wife has 'poisoned the well' and I feel like I'm going to pay for it.

My best friend and one of my closest employees came to me tonite to share a story about how his wife's younger brother had a friend that was involved with an 'older woman'... that was my wife. The kid is 22, makes all of $10/hr on a good day and my wife is throwing all that I've accumulated in 18+ yrs away over him. We're talking about close to seven figs here. Not chump change. Not even close. I am done. My delays in responding have to do with 'legal counsel' but I'm in a happy place now.

Any woman that will trade the opportunity to work front desk at your local Marriot for what she had is unstable, and I cannot allow my children to be raised with those values.

I have told her that I will deplete every asset I have to secure custody. When we're done, there will be nothing left for her but dust. And we'll move on, and she can start salting fries at the Arby's down the street, and I will make sure the kids riding lessons are on track.

Finis'

I would give her the Dobson speech that you love her, but aren't her jailer, that the cage door is open, and she is free to go.

The affair will never last, and she will look back and see how crazy she was. But it sounds like you are starting to lose your love for her. Protect that at all costs.

Post deleted by FL_Blindsided

deleted...

his initials are MF... how ironic...

Okay now that you have that out of your system, want to post your REAL letter?

Oh and Jim Beam? Good choice BTW.

K - another day, another rollercoaster of emotions. My Dad is here to help w kids and counsel me, and went over and talked to WW and the kids @ her moms house. I think that went well.

Ultimatums won't accomplish what I want. Either of the choices she would make would just be questioned down the road. I know I have to let her go emotionally, physically, everything. If she comes back, well, we'll see where I am when/if that happens. But what I'm doing isn't working/helping.

As much as I hurt over this, I still want her back. I'm not sure if i'm still in love or afraid of being alone. I believe I love her, but its going to take some time to figure that one out. She can be a great person, or my most bitter adversary. This up and down of emotions is wiping me out, and making me question basic stuff, like my love for her. I guess thats what plan b protects, right?

I appreciate the support and advice.

Which B are we talking to today? FLB or JB? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



The most intelligent thing you have said to-date. Good question. Having been in your position, I think you probably still love her but you are also beginning to see things as they really are. IOW your own fog is starting to clear.

Plan B will protect your feelings but will only work if you cut off all contact with WW. Plan B doesn't mean sending her to mom's and then calling every night to see if she remembered to tuck in OM with his teddy bear and gave him his chocolate milk.

Oh and avoid alcohol. It won't accomplish anything. Nothing good that is.

agreed. sometimes one needs to release some steam so that we don't blow up... Alcohol was definitely the wrong choice.

Seems from reading around here that 6 weeks is a little early for plan b, isn't it? If the purpose of the b is twofold... save some threads of emotions for WW, and also to possibly evoke some feelings of missing on her part, its probable too early to expect those feelings in her also.

My dad is here - he's a pretty wise man, and his advice all along has been to 'let go' - very similar to the dobson editorial... his reasoning is to take me off the emotional roller coaster, as every interaction we have seems to change my direction, what i want to accomplish, emotional level, etc.

Six weeks? You can hold your breath for six weeks.

Alcohols is not only the wrong choice but it is also a depressant. Please give yoursefl 24 hours to get it out of your system before making any serious decisions. JB is not a very pleasant guy to talk to. Take away his password.

Your Dad may be wise but he also has a vested interest - YOU. I recommend that you tell him to support you the best he can but to not advise you on whether to remain married or not. Parents are often well meaning but misguided.

Let the decision to stay or go be yours. Your dad only wants what's best for you. He is not thinking about your family. I can't fault him for that. if I were your father, I'm sure I would say the same thing.

When I was at six weeks, my mother and sisters told me to get divorced. I told them (lovingly) to shut up. They did. They still supported me and do to this day. Their opinion changed with time. I preferred to listen to MelodyLane. It was a much better choice - at least in terms of saving the marriage.

If I could turn back the clock, would I do things differently? Maybe. But I have two extremely happy little girls right now. Tough to give that up.

edited to add....
Think of it like you are Rocky Balboa in round 16. You are cut, bloody, beat to a pulp. You can barely stand up. Your father is your trainer. He sees how badly hurt you are. He demands to throw in the towel. He wants to end the fight. But he doesn't know your heart. He can't see how much fight you have left in your spirit. Only you can decide that.

I know that ultimatums won't get me to the right place, and I know that its killing me to be around her, and I know that its killing me to see her checking her cellphone every 30 seconds when she's around, and I know that she's still communicating with him.

I know that it will probably get worse before it gets better, and that the emotional ride I'm on won't slow down any time soon.

I am feeling more and more hollow and empty inside, every time she hugs me or says "I'll call you later" it hurts more when she doesn't.

You said I could hold my breath for 6 weeks and get through that... but what about the next 6 or 12 or however long this takes? How do you get thru the days and weekends and evenings sitting at home in an empty house? At what point do you decide to throw in the towel (sticking to the boxing analogy)?

I don't mean to throw my own pity party, but this is so depressing. It hurts to sit here and know that my wife isn't here, and doesn't want to be here.

Piojitos - you went thru this for over a year? How? How did you get thru it? How did you do it and not completely lose either hope for your future or love for your wife?

FL_B,

Have you done your MB reading yet? The pity party you mentioned is par for the course.

Think about what you had and where you want to be. Then see where you value your M. Don't depend on the opinion of the Ws. All WS' hate loyalty and commitment to the M. Know this and as long as she is a WS, she is the #1 enemy of your M. This also means your best support (your W) is not available to help you fight his #1 enemy. So you have t/b resourceful. MB c/b one of your resources. Another is your personal support group and there are more tools available to help you. Got a good MC familiar with MB concepts? Give Jennifer C. @ MB a call for a plan.

You've got lots to keep you busy so it will give you less time to have a pity party. Posting here is therapeutic also. You can get help and give help. Both can have a positive effect on your personal recovery plan.

take care,
L.

As long as my WW was continuing the A, I found that MC was not useful and the MC came to that conclusion as well. If you can get IC, I would. I didn't have that option available to me because of where I live. When we went to MC, WW lied to the MC equally as well as she lied to me. The MC believed her lies and this caused me great frustration. So much so that it eventually gave me great pleasure once the evidence was in to tell the MC what a complete [censored] she was.

Someone once told me you can stand on your head for six months as long as you know when it is going to end. I posted my running analogy here a long time ago and I think it is pretty much true. The biggest problem with being a BS in your position is that you have no clue when it is going to be over. So you are running on fumes and have no clue how far the next gas station is.

I think I posted this too a long time ago but here goes yet another analogy. Once on a long motorcycle trip down Mexico, I was faced with the fork in the road literally. I had the choice of going to Veracruz and down the coast or taking a road that was a dashed line on my map. I was running very low on cash because I hadn't realized before going into Mexico that almost every highway is a toll road. So I took the dashed line road believing it wouldn't cost that much. Unfortunately I had an old map. What I got myself into was a brand new highway just completed and the second most expensive toll road in Mexico after the DF - Acapulco road. More importantly, this road was about 260 miles long and had only one gas station exactly at the midpoint of the road. That first bit of information I was aware of. The second had escaped me until it was too late. My motorcycle had about a 140 mile range when traveling 60 mph. I was doing 90 on average. So I had a lot of things going against me.

So here I am not knowing if I am going to make it. Worrying about what I will do if I run out of gas. I am constantly checking the fuel gauge. I bleed down the reserve. I am really stressed. Eventually I got to the gas station without any problem.

The deal is that once I started down that route, I got to the point of no return. Once I reached that point, no matter how much worrying or stressing I did would never have any effect on the outcome. The outcome was a matter of chemistry and physics and my worrying could never have changed it.

So what I recommend you do is set a target. Pick a date on the calendar. Maybe that date will revolve around some significant event or maybe it is just a date. Mark the date. Then decide you are going to stand on your head until that date and then go to Plan B. Maybe that date is a few short weeks away or maybe three months. Then focus on the tasks at hand.

I went way too long. I went too long because it cost me my love for my WW. It wasn't easy. I had to set new targets for myself along the way. I had to change my focal point a couple of times. But knowing that there will be a definite end to your suffering one way or the other will help you survive it.

I have never been tortured. But I imagine that the worst part of torture is not the pain itself but the not knowing when it will ever stop. That not knowing, I think, is what breaks you down.

K - I completely understand the date thing. Your mental line in the sand. You've defined a finite edge for your own personal plane of he||. How many dates did u blow through before you set one for real, and stuck to it?

My wife will do what she pleases, when she pleases... my fear is that I have ZERO positive influence and a potential for 100% negative influence on the deal. If so, any contact is either neutral or negative... therefore, I should define the rules to make it plan B now...


Does the carrot of plan a really work? Do they really notice you being different when their boy toys are on the front of their brains?? Is the potential positive worth the risk of the negative?

Whichever way you decide to go, your absolute best Plan A right now is essential.

I went through probably three dates. I went through them because my WW made three major step changes which gave me renewed hope. In hindsight, that was probably ill-considered but I just could not make myself allow those children to be hurt. So I suffered instead. And suffer I did. No doubt. I think I'm paying the price even now when it looks like we may actually be beginning the recovery process.



That will never change. It's what she does that can be the problem. That can change. For example, my WW used to go to the pool every day and let pool boy help her with her breast stroke. Now she goes and plays golf every day with a women's group. She is still doing what she wants to do, she has just now chosen a healthier activity.

My belief is that the carrot does work but you need the stick too. Yes I believe that WW's do, in fact, notice the positive changes in you. I believe they notice it because it pisses them off. It pisses them off because you are refusing to reinforce their sense of entitlement to the A. What they want to say is they had every right to the A because you are such a jerk. And you are not cooperating. They don't like that. They say your changes are not permanent and that you will soon go back to your old self. That would reinforce their justification for the A so they cling to it.

If you are losing your positive feelings for WW, go to Plan B but continue your Plan A up to the point that you shut off all contact with her. Don't get angry and say you did your best but it obviously isn't working. That will serve nothing. I know this is all frustrating. I may have mentioned it. Plan A sucks. But it is the best way to try to recover your M which has been your goal. If you believe the statistics, Plan A only works 15% of the time. Plan B is far more powerful a tool and much more likely to save the M. But you need a good Plan A before you go to B. Six weeks is not very long. Personally I would have tried for at least 3 months. I have heard six months is the max limit for many people.



I don't understand this statement at all. Apparently you have not read anything on this site or in Dr. Harley's books.

My belief is that you cannot have any negative influence. I mean, according to your WW, the M is already over. How much worse can it really get? The only direction you can go is up. So you will either have no influence or a positive influence. There is no real downside.

I got angry a few times in Plan A. I had what I called my "crazy Ivans". A crazy Ivan lasts exactly 72 hours. Less than that and they think you are a vacilating wimp. More than that and they might decide there is no hope.

On fact you are overlooking. Your WW is still under your roof. There must be a reason for that.

nope - she's out at mom's - again. Been there since 5/25... over a week. (10 nights to be exact)

She doesn't respond to my plan A. She only responds more negatively when I lose my cool, or force a decision from her. That's what I mean by 0% positive, and potential for 100% negative. She doesn't seem to notice any of my plan A actions...