Truer words were never spoken.

Repentance and remorse are evidenced by actions.

I knew my wife was "morphing" back into the person I once knew when she met with our four children, one at a time, to talk with them about how wrong her affair had been and to seek their forgiveness.

This is the hardest part for most people, shouldering the FACT that "I" am the guilty party and "I" am the one who caused your hurt and "I" was WRONG.

holymoly asked the most pertinent question, Chrisner. The "way of the world" is set and you will soon be divorced.

You wife appears to be "finally" be facing her "bubble of infidelity" bursting....and if she is....she will be too scared to say anything figuring you would never take her back. So holymoly's question is VERY relevant because once the bubble bursts....REALITY slams home with a vengenance.

IF you see a change beginning what do YOU want to do?

Either way, you have become much more stronger and clearer about yourself, your marriage, and "whats truly important in life."

Semper Fi

God bless.

Amazing, chris. (picking up jaw off the floor). I've been out of the loop, trying to find some resoltion in my own soul.

I sincerely hope that when the time comes, I will have the same grace, strength, confidence and acceptance in my heart to act as you did post FU.

You are without a doubt an inspiration to all of your fellow Bees.

In terms of the "pertinent" question, I have absolute faith that you will make the right call at the right time.

(I admit my favorite part was the big FU, because it's fun to sort of experience that vicariously...but the rest was wonderful, too. BC's was great fun to read, too.)

He does not have to "decide" right away

he can/should

relax and circle the wagons for awhile

Hi everyone. Thanks for all the kind thoughts. Sorry I did not respond right away but between DD19's apartment disaster and the somewhat unexpected turn of events with Wayzilla it has taken a little time.

Holymoly did ask the million dollar question. My answer is I have always been willing to take back my wife but not a wayward. She is still a wayward. A hurt, confused, crumbling wayward perhaps, but still wayward. She may be in the fall to "rock bottom" but is not there yet. Will she hit like a superball and have rebounds or is she a ripe tomato? No one knows. Certainly not her.

BC mentioned remorse. She was not expressing remorse when she said, "I never meant to hurt you." Or, "I didn't want to hurt you."

If a terrorist is hiding in an orphanage and the Air Force determines that the value of the target is worth the lives of the children around him, they would not be expressing remorse when they truthfully say, "We did not want to hurt the children." But the fact is they fired the missile anyway. She fired the missile. She believed she could live with the consequences of the collateral damage. Time will tell.

In addition her, "I never meant to hurt you." was most likely a reference to the divorce not the infidelity. Her wayward mind and conviction that the divorce and the affair are unrelated remains intact.

A dark Plan B by definition removes you from tactical knowledge of your WS situation, but I think the following is happening:

The affair is on the rocks or has ended. Certainly giving her the knowledge of his serial affair past will not help that. It seemed to hit.

Her company really is in trouble and her job in jeopardy sometime post divorce. That must be scary.

My Plan FU made a few penetrative hits. In Particular, regarding DD19 which was mostly the point. My Plan FU focused almost entirely on DD19 and the OM's family. If it had been all about me she would have hung up. It was a brutal hammering.

The best I can determine her mid-life crisis fantasy was: Her, living a nice fun new occasionally wild single life, independent, in charge, pretty little house, pretty little yard, DD19 at her side when she wanted her, and Gollum for frequent sleepovers. Sounds good but..

Reality bites.

This all can not sort out by next Wednesday. Pep is right. There is time. As I sit on my beautiful flagstone patio garden I built for her last year, sipping coffee, watching birds and typing this, I realize there is plenty of time.

If a relationship is ever possible again with my wife it will have to be post divorce. She has a long way to go on her journey. A very long way. Her recovery is not about our relationship. It is about her. If she does not fix that she is not going to be capable of a healthy relationship anyway. Not with me or anyone.

I talked to DD19 yesterday and told her that I believe I am finally coming out of the worst 7-months I will ever expect to live through in my life. And her mother is just entering hers. And hers may be much longer and much harder and she may not ever get out. I told DD it could ultimately involve abusive relationships and addictions. And I told DD that it may fall to the two people that WW hurt the most to help save her. We can't change her. But I think we will know what to do when the time comes. Until then, we have each other.

So..

It is time to go to swank art festivals with Cajuns, party with beautiful television news reporters, visit with fruits and nuts in California, coach the best freshmen boys basketball team in Jeffco next year, continue to watch my daughter grow into the beautiful independent adult she is going to be, continue to grow as a father and a man and someday if I should be so blessed again, maybe get the privilege to show someone what an incredible husband I can be. And none of this is a fantasy. It's my life.

There is time.

Chrisner,

You've called me one of the most upbeat residents of Betrayedville. I think you are the most inspiring resident of B-Ville.

Thank you.

Ace

How could any woman leave a man w/ such wisdom, compassion and integrity?

Must have lost her mind.

I pray she finds it.

~ Marsh

chris...let me say again...reading this is amazing. I am in awe.

ditto marsh...but let me add...DD19 is also learning a wonderful lesson about what to look for in a man...one with wisdom, compassion and integrity.

Like her dad.

Let's hope she finds one who can measure up.

Good approach. Carry on.

**** URGENT MESSAGE FOR PEP ****

Don't Stand Behind Cows That Just Ate Cabbage!!!


and Chris,

Bon Travaille Mon Frere!!

merci

bienvenue

Chris, you've got the right on, man. You are going to be A okay. It's a strange feeling when you KNOW the worst of it all is behind you, isn't it? It's liberating and reinforcing. If you can weather this, you can be stronger and happier than ever before.

You are right about WZ, I'm almost positive. She is spiralling downward. It can be a terrible thing to see of someone you've cared so deeply for. Hang in there.

Your plan to continue to grow and live and love is most excellent. I hope that WZ finds her way out, even if the end result is that she has a good relationship with her daughter someday, that is a very important thing. Daughters and mothers have a tough go at it, many times, even without the pain of infidelity.

Your behavior through all of this has shown DD19 what a real man is like, what he DOES. Let's hope, when the time comes, that she finds a man like her dad

Chris-
I have been reading your thread, and I just want to say that you are a WONDERFUL father. Your DD is lucky to have you.

Your WW was lucky to have you.

It is good to see a man stand by his vows, and what he believes is right and good.

Your plan FU was great. Your meeting at the bank was great! You seem to be in control of yourself, and in charge of you.

You do not need the batmobile! Not that it wouldn't be cool to have around... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The agreements were signed, the paperwork submitted on time and at 7:30 AM today the magistrate reviewed, approved and signed the agreement ending our 26 year marriage.

May 8th 1981 to June 13th 2007.

It is done.

My first call was to DD19 to let her know. She told me, “Daddy I love you. I am so proud of how hard you worked and tried to save our family. Dad, if you could not do it then no one could.”

I got a great kid.

I did fine for the settlement but if all I ended up with was a pair of gardening jeans, an old Drum Corps tee shirt and two dimes I would have still been fine as long as I still had my relationship with my daughter.

Not exactly my goal when I came here just six months ago.

There went my chance to get a bronze bust in the MB Hall of Fame.

But I want to thank you all for the encouragement, support and advice I have received these past months. I really do not want to know just how more devastating a blow this all would have been without the knowledge and compassion I have received here. You have all helped to cut months out of my personal recovery and understanding of what has happened.

Jim95: You were my first poster to my original thread in JFO. I know everyone here will be amazed and surprised when your advice was EXPOSE!!!

Bitbucket: The only one here who gets references to Color Sergeant Bourne.

Believer: You jumped in to help me get the woodchipper thread locked in 24 hours on a weekend. That has to be a record.

Star*fish. I wish I could have been there to go to the old Saenger Theater with you in N.O. You would have forgotten Neal The Real Deal! I GARONTEE!

The Iowa Class Battleships of MB:
Pep
Melody
Mortarman
Big K
The Wonderings
Marsh
Orchid
Graycloud
Just Learning
Lousy Golfer
Ark
Frog
Dealan-de
Weaver
Schoolbus
Longhorn

All the Killer Bees.
stillhurting01
InHisCare
Ken313
lunamare
Jayban
Dogfood
HopeThisWorks
fightingback
reachingout
ForeverInLove
missingmyhusband
PUD
MarriedForever
holymoly

All those who passed through my threads or whose threads or sage advise I watched, read and learned:
Shattered Dreams
Skylite
RLT
Eph525
Hopeandpray
Newbegining II
Larry
Mark1952
Mopey
Sadmo
Moveforward
Togetheralone
Princessmeggy
Foreverhers
Crossroads2007
Brokendreams
And to all I have forgotten.

Bugs, Sis and Rin: The Charlie’s Angels of the Killer Bees. I will be looking for a Goddess someday. I hope I can be so fortunate as to find one like you three.

Ace: A ray of sunshine in the darkness.

CJ: What a magnificent woman you are! It is time for a coronation! You are not the Mama Bee, you are the Queen Bee.

And finally my Amigos: SDguy, Silent, Cowgirl, and Beau. You guys have meant the world to me.

Thank you all.

Well, you fought the good fight. I hope you now take some time to recover. Our MB men get snapped up like hotcakes, so be very careful. Don't fall in love with the first woman who smiles at you.

chrisner,

You're welcome. And the feeling is mutual.

Hope you're doing okay today. It's tough, no matter what your thoughts are for Wayzilla right now. There's a lot of chapters left in your book of life. A new chapter is just beginning, will Wayzilla be there in those pages somewhere? Hopefully not, but I'm positive the woman your W used to be will be. The question is in what capacity will she be there. Simply as your X, only as DD19 mother, or after the A bullchit is gone, a friend? Or more....who knows?

Remember....there is still breath in both of you. I'm not saying to wait for her, I'm not saying to stop living your life or to stop moving forward. Make your life what you want it to be. Just know that if you want to still hold a fraction of hope, that it is okay, it is still there. But don't stop living for you, either.

You ARE a prize. I agree with believer, be careful who you honor with that prize. Make sure she deserves you and take your sweet time finding her. There are many fish out there, just don't end up with a bottom feeder!

(((((chrisner)))))

Now, one last warning. PLEASE be careful when you are out with the crazy Cajun! BUT HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Fox (aka Cowgirl)

WW will be in for a rude awakening when she realizes she is more unhappy divorced than she was married and her relationship w/ OM continues to deteriorate even though she's now made it "legitimate." The only problem with your plan B was that your state granted the divorce before she could hit rock bottom. Don't worry, it won't take long now. Just remember to continue the plan B, and I'm sure your WW will be sniffing around you and your daughter around the holidays.

There are more bronze busts in the MB Hall of Fame than you might imagine. No one said the marriage "had to be saved" to qualify!

When you fight the good fight, use the MB principals, and focus on personal growth and healing, you come out a winner regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

You earned your stripes. Now quit gazing at helicopters and get on with your new life!

Best wishes,
SD

So are all of these people sunbathing topless or do they use the spary on Tan. The busts I have seen are usually quite pale. Bronze Busts sounds like a novel idea.

Chris all kidding aside success is not measured by saving or not saving the M.

To me success is measured by being a different better person when everything is said and done. I beleive that is true in your case. Making you a success.

For me my main thing was to try everything I could to save my M. At the end of the day if I did that and it failed I could say I gave it my all. Looks like you did that too.

You held your head up high and have garnered the respect of your DD. You have set a stellar example of what love really is.

I think it will help her in her life. When she gets married one day and things get tough I think she will follow the example you have set.

Good luck.

Chris,

You just might get in the Hall. You see the purpose of this site is to give the marriage the best chance to survive and you did that. More importantly you provided some amazing lessons to your DD19 and I think you will find in the years to come, that what she has learned from you during all of this mess, may well get you in the Hall. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know as well as I do, since you also coach basketball, that with kids learning the game it is the effort that is more important than the outcome, it is the growth, it is the willingness to step and learn more. I don't see any difference with you. You showed all of the characteristics of a winner, and I do think in the long run YOU will be very happy with your efforts, what you have learned, and what you have taught your daughter, this may well be your best coaching job.

God Bless,

JL