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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 36
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 36 |
Discovered 3 months ago my wife of 14yrs (& 3 kids) was having an 18month emotional, mostly email/phone affair with a non-physical sexual element (she describes as very inappropriate flirting). I believe this.
She immediately terminated which I have verified certainly (snooping all comms).
Interim time has been very rough. At first, she said I didn't know her and couldn't meet her needs like he could. Since then, she has come to realize the relationship was fantasy and not real.
All the while, I have been difficult to be around... alternately up & down, caring and mean to her (to make her feel bad about what she did), stable and crying. I've been stable and caring for 10days now.
She now says she doesn't feel close to me and hasn't for a long time. She loves me but sometimes it feels more like a friend. She feels I can't meet her emotional needs and says she has 'turned off' the part of her which wants those needs met by me.
I think I've convinced her I can meet her needs but now want to heal our marriage and rebuild our closeness and loving feelings.
Any thoughts or words of encouragement?
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Become an expert at meeting each others needs. Order Fall in Love, Stay in Love and Surviving an Affair. Those books will help you understand what has happened here.
There are some questionaires online you can both take to help you understand the others emotional needs.
I would also suggest spending 15 hours a week together meeting each others needs, without interruption. This will help you fall back in love with each other.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
p.s. if you can afford phone counseling with Steve Harley, that would be an enormous help. He operates as a marriage COACH and can assess your situation and tell you how to get this back together. I think he charges $185 and is worth every penny from everything I hear.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,715
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 2,715 |
Mel's on the money.
On that 15 hours/week...that's 15 hours of recreational time...spent doing fun things, talking, etc... that does NOT include talking about the marriage, relationship, affair, etc...
Do the emotional needs questionnaire, see where you can start working to fill her love bank. You CAN meet her needs...you need to re-learn how. I know this is painful to consider, but think about what OM was doing for your wife...what attracted her to him, what kept the A going...and take actions to meet those needs too.
The bottom line is to let your wife see that the changes you've made in yourself are real and long lasting...and to court your wife back into falling in love with you.
Get a copy of Surviving an Affair...it's a great start for you.
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 36
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 36 |
Thanks... I've read a lot of the material and totally agree with what you say. The problem is, she doesn't seem to want to do these things.
She says she is trying and is committed to working this out but then she hasn't filled out the EN questionnaire or read the books I've purchased for us.
I don't know what she means by 'trying' if she won't do these things. I can't press b/c she feels like I am just telling her that she isn't doing this right (a core problem is she feels I don't appreciate her and view her as not capable).
In the past, I have 'required' us to spend lots of time together... maybe I was too strong-willed in my approach. Either way, she now views that as controlling behavior so again, it's difficult for me to try to force this.
Also, physical relationship has not been great for some time and has now ground to a halt. She also doesn't seem to be willing to try to be physical or even affectionate with me. This is really tough for me.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 982
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 982 |
Probably not a good idea at this time to "make" her fill out the emotional needs questionnaire or read the books that you bought.
You could go over the needs questionnaire on her behalf and use anecdotal evidence to guess what her primary emotional needs are. Notice, I say "guess" because if she is in a fog and still not willing to fill them out, it is only a guess. However, you say that a core problem is that she thinks you don't appreciate her and you view her as not capable. Go through the emotional needs questionnaire and look for matches--certainly it sounds like she has a need for admiration. Look through your info and find other matches and begin meeting those needs.
What do you mean you have "required" the two of you to spend lots of time together? In what way have you "required" it and what do you mean by "time"? What was it that you "required" her to do with you? Take a look at the actual behaviors that you think were a problem. Keep in mind though that much of what she says right now is very fog-ridden and not reliable. Look back in your mind a her concerns expressed to you before the fog set in.
Have you fully exposed her inappropriate relationship? Are you certain there is no contact? Have you looked at the "carrot and the stick of Plan A?" It is important to implement both the carrot and the stick. Lake
Lake BW-53 FWH-54 H had EA 3 weeks 06 Married 1977
N C 4-10-06 3 DSs In Recovery
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 982
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 982 |
Here is a good outline of Plan A:
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
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Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.
Lake
Lake BW-53 FWH-54 H had EA 3 weeks 06 Married 1977
N C 4-10-06 3 DSs In Recovery
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