Here's some background info..

My dh was having an EA with his ex/gf that he lost his virginity too. He hangs out with a coworker that has been known to have feelings for him. They go out to lunch together. He has stated his new secretary at work is hot and tempting. He has told me that he doesnt want to have sex with him on top because of my belly (thanks to 3 c-sections I have a little overhang). He said it turns him off. He said he wants me to get plastic surgery to fix it and enlarge my breasts. He's unhappy with my body period. His family has said to me on a scale of 1-10 I rate a 3. My dh and his family has been an insensitive judgemental asses since day 1 and I have done nothing but take it up until now. There's so much more but you get the hint.

You are probably wondering why I stay and put up with it. Why have an affair,why not just leave? Well it's not that simple. He has stated to me if I leave he will have no reason to live and will probably kill himself. If he doesnt kill himself he will quit his job,let everything go to ****** and not pay me a dime in child support (he claims he loves our kids but yet he threatens to not support them) he also threatens to take me to court to get our kids and not let me see them (I dont see him getting them permanantly but I see him making an attempt on that threat and making my life ******)

And now what I have done, I went out drinking with a guy I met online. I got drunk and ended up having an affair with him. I have cut all ties off with him and have not done anything since. It was a one time deal. But it's hard to ignore the fact that I love being with someone who appreciates me and compliments me instead of tearing me down. Someone who wants to be with me,not someone who goes to bed at 9pm and doesnt even kiss me good nite or tell me he loves me. He did this before my affair and he is still doing it. Nothing has changed at all.

I'm caught in a loveless marriage. I wonder during the rare times he is with me in bed if he is thinking of someone else just to get to climax. We dont even sleep in the same bed,****** that was going on long before the affair. It is hard to want to have sex with him when I know he doesnt like my body. And says it turns him off. It's hard to feel sexy period. I tried to work on things but he doesnt want to. He thinks everything is fine even tho' I've told him it's not. He claims it is my problem and I need to work on it. I just dont know what to do anymore. I stay for my kids, I stay because I depend on him for financial support and I stay because I feel I deserve this and I'm worthless. It such a sh*tty situation. I wish I knew a way out. I'm sorry to dump on this board yet again but today is a hard day. Thank you.

BellaBlue:
It sounds like you've lost some self-respect. It sounds like you need to be free from shame-based thinking. Shame-based thinking says, "I'm worthless", "I deserve to be dumped on", "I'm ugly".

This is not true. So many Christians never truly internalize their value in connection to their Father's love. Your worth brought our Heavenly Father to make a decision....and the decision was to send His Only Son to earth, experience tremendous physical torture so that, in the end, YOU could be free. Free from shame, low self-esteem, sickness and disease. The cross is a symbol of what YOU are worth. EVERYTHING that God held dear, He sacrificed for YOU.

Your husband and his family are abusing you verbally and emotionally. This is not right. You need to make some hard decisions. You need to put the value back on WHO YOU ARE.

There are so many great stories, ideas, and thoughts from thousands of people on this website. Keep searching. You'll find the answer you're looking for.

God bless you!

Bella, I am so sorry and sad for you. Your post just makes my heart ache...I can't help you with true advice, b/c I'm in a real mess myself.

I just wanted to tell you that you had this man's children and your beautiful body reflects that. Please allow these wonderminds to come on in and help you. They have helped me tremendously and I've only been here a week. I noticed your reg. date, so I'm not telling you anything new.

Hang in there...I will pray for you.