Hi,

I am new here and today I reached a point were I do need to share with someone what I am going through, and ask for opinions. Some backgroud: Me 39, Wife 38, Married 12/1995, Children 10 & 8.

I do not know if this is the better forum, but I feel closer to divorcing than to "with problems".

We have had a really hi-lo relationship, easy periods full of friendship, love, bumpy ones with lots of arguing, yelling never physical violence or aggression but definitely with emotional aggression on both sides. We never had marriage counseling or openly discussed and looked for help for our lows, we always tried to fix it ourself.

Two years ago we moved because she started postgraduate studies and we thought that it was the opportunity to re-launch our relationship.

As We moved from a city with a lot of traffic (ie. use to take me 90 min from home to work) and my new job allows me to work from home now I take care of activities that I formerly did not participate, pick up the kids at school, do homework with them, home duties, etc. Overall I think my life had improve as well as my relation and closeness with my family.

My previous job allowed me to create a solid economical base to fund her post-graduate studies, get a better job in the same city where she planned to study, etc. surely I was out of home from 8 to 8 and missed a lot of thing but I am catching up since two years.

During most our relation I had felt under appreciate by she, maybe because I am a very emotional with her (tease her, touch her, huge her) and she is the opposite, nevertheless I use to think that we have a great marriage.

On the other side I accept that I over react, I explode with angry for things that looks unimportant for her (definitely very important to me) and this eroded her feelings towards me, she also accuse me of being bossy, I recognize that my suggestions usually sounds more instructions than suggestions, but after many years failing to change my behavior but always saying that were not instructions but suggestions maybe she could help a little accepting it and believing me.

My main complain is that things that are important to me she had been repeatedly careless and we have to go over and over the same, my bad, I did not know how to let this go and live with it.

Last December after a huge arguing she asked for a divorce, she moved to another room in the house and is not willing to talk about Marriage Counseling or anything, she wants to divorce but she does not do anything about it. She told me that the divorce was something in her head for a long time and she had not found the strength to tell me until then. She says that she does not love me anymore, although there are plenty of shared moments during the last two years were I know we loved each other, I think she is really hurt and under stress because her studies, and the chain always breaks in the weakest link, our marriage at the moment.

I had tried all this months make her at least consider to review our situation, to go to counseling without success, now we live like roommates, each of us with our duties, we attend as a family to our friends house, gathering etc. Nobody knows about our situation, but her sister that is far away from us.

No I felt I am being used, she lives here, I take care of the kids (which I love doing it, she takes care of the kids also, I am not saying she is careless with they) I support her in her studies by modifying at her request my Agenda to give her more self time (ah! last November she got a grant so I not longer pay for her studies), etc.

So now she have all the benefits of a married women without the commitment that comes with it, and I am not talking about sex, I am talking about affection, friendship, everything, I lost my best friend, my spouse.

I think that after many Grey professional years (she was not appreciated in the research institute where she worked) she is on the spotlight (A+ student, everybody at the University says how smart she is, got the grant, etc) she is overwhelm for the success and she wants now to go solo.

I do not want to leave home because I love my children, but now I am thinking to fill the divorce my self, I am not willing to abandon my children so I will request their custody and will take care of them, I know she will request the custody too, so it is a situation where she does not act towards the divorce (she is in a real comfort zone), and I feel I should do something.

I would like to go to Counseling, I would like to fix our marriage but it is a two people work, so I do not know what to do. As I said she is very introverted and does not talks about this with anybody but her sister, but the only thing her sister says is she will support whatever decision she makes.

I do have friends on our old city, but I do not want to share anything with them anything about this yet.

Any suggestion?. How may I convince her for the Counseling? Do you think the time to fix this is over and I should act?

BTW: I do not know what all the acronyms mean, really confusing.

Thanks

Welcome to MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You might want to post this in General Questions II it will likely get more response. I don't have much advice to offer you - I'm divorced and still trying to reconcile with my XH, but I think your situation is fixable if you want it to be.

Start by reading the articles on this site about Emotional Needs and Plan A.

Is it possible she is having an affair?

JinGA

Thanks for you care, I will post in the other forum.

I will look into EN and Plan A more carefully, I am just new to all this.

An affair? only she knows, I had not looked for or found any evidence of it, she is at home after work every afternoon and weekends, does not have suspicious attitudes when we are together, neither she gets odd phone calls, if I randomly call her, she is at her desk most of the time, really I do not know.

Absolutely she could have an affair with a co-worker but as women are smarter than man (at least than me), obviously she could be playing me, so although I am alert to any sign I will not (and do not know how) search for evidence, I trained myself to not be a jealous person (at least on the outside).

You say that my situation is fixable if i want it to be, but how do I engage her in the task? this is not a solo work.

Thanks again for your care.
seti

I would look for signs of an affair. A lot of what you're telling us that has happened, is typical behavior of a spouse that is involved in an affair.

People *generally* just wake up one day and want a divorce. Something, or someone is pulling them away. Do some checking - but prepare for what you might find.

It may well be that she's not having an affair, but I'd say the odds are that she is.

And you're right. It's not solo work. The only thing you CAN control is yourself. Plan A involves a couple of strategies. Firstly *if* there is an affair, expose it. Tell the other person's spouse if they have one, tell their employer, tell your family, her family - basically you shame the affair right into oblivion.

Then you work on *yourself*. How can YOU be a better partner? This part of the plan is to make the marriage more attractive than the affair, which loses its steam once it's exposed. Sort of a double-whammy. Work on your own shortcomings, attempt to fill your wife's emotional needs - make the marriage a place she *wants* to be.

If you haven't read the articles yet - please do read them. I wish I'd found them years ago. I'm doing things backwards now - I'm divorced, but I would like to reconcile with my XH so I'm trying Plan A with a few modifications (there is no affair and we are no longer married...but the psychology still applies).

JinGA