I need help sorting through an issue. Here is my story:

I am 24 years old, divorced and I have a two year old. My divorce was final last October and since then it has been my son and I in a two bedroom apartment. I started dating someone new and of course we have had our occasional fights learning about one another. He has two houses and just remodeled his theater room before we met. Because I have my son, we spend most of our time at my apartment. The nights I don't have my son we stay at his house. We are now engaged and are looking at a November wedding and moving in together early December.

Recently, a co-worker of mine came to me and confided in me a domestic issue between her and her boyfriend. She has a 6 year old daughter and I felt horrible that the poor little girl and my co-worker were living in such a filthy disgusting house. I told her that if she ever needed a place to stay not to hesitate to ask me. I would never turn my back on my friend especially when they are in need. Two weeks after I told her that she came to me one night crying and saying that she was going to need to take me up on that offer. That night she moved her daughter and her stuff into my two bedroom apartment. My fiance, my son and I have been spending time there and at his house. Everything was working out well for all of us. It was so nice to have her around and it was nice to have her daughter around my son too. It all started when she was playing on my computer. My co-worker managed to delete every picture and every bit of mp3 files I had on my computer. Everything gone! Had to take that as a loss. Then my co-worker was fighting really bad with her ex. She was painting this horrible picture of him and how he is a horrible crazy person. They both were just creating so much drama for one another. I told both of them that I did not want to be involved and talked my co-worker into putting a restraining order on him because he wouldn't leave her alone. She ended up putting the restraining order on him and never heard her talking to him after that. She was very depressed and I have done so many things in the past few weeks to cheer her up. We have had so much fun the past two weeks:) One day, her daughter went to my fiance and informed him that her dad (not the ex-boyfriend) had come over to my apartment. When I found out, I was just concerned that my co-worker never told me about him entering my home. I was really uncomfortable with that because this man just got out of jail and had been in and out of jail numerous times since her daughter was born. Not to mention she said that he has been looking "all cracked out". I was extremely mad that he was in my home but couldn't say much because that is her daughter's dad. The weekend following this news, my fiance and I went away from the weekend and happened to return an hour earlier than expected. We came home to find her ex boyfriend in my house! My fiance went into our room and found porn on the computer and my sheets changed. She swears up and down she didn't have sex in my bed. I don't care about all of that. What i care about is the fact that she is having these men in my home without telling me. I care about it is a man that has been in/out of jail knows where I live now. I care about her ex-boyfriend, who is supposedly crazy and not to mention the restraining order she has on him, knowing where I live!!! If she would have asked me first or just informed me about it then I probably wouldn't be so frustrated. She did it behind my back. I don't want drama in my home not to mention the risk it puts my son and my home in. My fiance was extremely mad and did not want her at our house any longer. He demanded that she move out. I knew that it was time and I agreed with having her move out. My fiance and I argued about the amount of time to give her. He wanted her out that night and i wanted to give her a few days. My co-worker had already made other arrangements by the time I told her that she needed to go. SO no big deal. There are a lot more things that play into her actions but trying to make a long story short. After all of this, I am extremely hurt and sad that she would do this to me. While I was being sad and questioning what the heck happened, my fiance starts telling me that his co-worker was extremely shocked that my two year old knows what candy is. He starts to tell me that we need to change his diet and how we need to do things differently. I don't feel it was the best time to bring that up. I kind of felt like I was being kicked while I was down. I told him we could talk about it at another time and he even mentioned that my kid was fat. My son is 41 lbs and has always been a huge kid. When he was two months he had tripled in size. This is a very sensitive subject with me as this is what my ex had said to me. He accused me of only feeding my kid sugar. Which I don't! This whole converastion made me even more upset and sad and even more defensive. So I just kind of clammed up and didn't talk much the rest of the night. First thing this morning he laid into me about another friend of mine that I haven't talked to in awhile and what I was doing with that situation. I let him know that I realize that he is trying to help me but I am feeling overwhelmed and needed him to back off a little bit. I made sure I was clear and told him that I was not asking him to stop just back off while I am dealing with the issue with my co-worker. Not dealing with what I will have to do but the aftermath of just losing a friend. He then started telling me that I was abusing him and my son by letting my emotions about my co-worker affect the two of them. I think he is being incredibly dramatic. I only asked that he lay off and not bring up other issues when I am trying to deal with another. he responded back with, "I don't agree with having to walk on egg shells when life gets too hard for you." I can't seem to get through to him that when I am a sensitive person and that my friend really hurt my feelings. While I am sad, please do not bring up other issues. Granted I will not be sad for days on end just needed a few hours to relax and come back from all of it. Is it wrong of me to take some time and relax and not talk about an issue and just sit and be upset for a few hours? Is there another way I can get across to him that its not cool to kick someone while they are down? Or am I being too sensitive? He is now turning to humor and actually making fun of me for "feeling sorry for myself, being sour, throwing a fit". What am I doing wrong?

R2,

What's the rush? You were just divorced seven months ago, and now you are engaged to be married. You are 24 years old. Is there a reason for rushing into relationships?

My intent to put some light on something important...I see you as smart, logical, capable, reasonable and aware person...what's the rush?

Do you know all the reasons why your first marriage did not succeed? I sense you have some healthy boundaries and are learning more about enforcing them...I think you've grown and more likely, are growing in a lot of ways...do you know what it takes to have a thriving marriage?

Do you want this one to last a lifetime? Taking your time to understand and know someone before marrying them...even becoming engaged...know and understand yourself...your choices...would benefit you greatly in the long run.

Have you read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley? Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend? How about The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans?

Understanding how healthy relationships work, what your ENs are...identifying your own Love Busters (LBs) and his...learning about the Four Rules of Marriage...would help you to answer your own question.

You asked for something reasonable...maybe you didn't state how long you wanted for space...a matter of hours...setting a time you would address his concerns, maybe. Other than that, your feelings are valid. They are yours. His are his...how about learning more about communication, boundaries and being separate and equal before becoming one with someone else right now?

If you want to post under Emotional Needs (ENs) forum, it gets more traffic...and I think your post is valid there, as well. There's a lot in what you've shared...I hope you find it beneficial being here. I sure have.

LA

Hi LA,

My husband left me after being married for 8 months. He said that he wasn't sure it's where he wanted to be. We got pregnant and married real fast and everything was great until my pregnancy took a turn for the worst and put me in the hospital for two weeks. After the pregnancy, i have had complication after complication. I ended up having surgery in January. After the surgery we started fighting about sex. The dr said that I couldn't have sex for 6 weeks. My husband was furious. Everytime we had sex before that it would hurt too bad. He said that was a big part of the relationship and it wasn't there. So he decided to leave and take a "break". A month later I was served with divorce papers. That is what happened in my marriage.

Do I feel like it is rushed? A little but I have met the most incredible person in my life. We aren't getting married tomorrow and we definitely are intune with one another. We just have a hard time communicating.

I will definitely get a copy of the HNHN book. I have seen so many people reference it on here.

Thank you so much for your response and recommendation to post under Emotional Needs.

rannie,

I can understand becoming defensive about your son. This is something you are going to have to come to terms with if you plan on having someonelse in your life. This person is going to be helping you raise your son, this person is going to want to have equal say- even though he is YOUR son.

My H is not my two daughter's biological father, he is however the biological father of my son. When we got together, three months after my seperation from my XH, he began noticing my daughters ran all over me- they were 3 and 4 at the time. I would get so angry when he would give me advice on how to control them.

I would think: who do you think you are, you do not even have kids so how do you know what is best for mine?

What I did not realize at the time was he was just trying out "daddy" shoes. I found I would take his advice and if it worked, great, if not, who cared. As long as the benifit was towards my daughter's all was well.

Your future H is doing the same thing. He is concerned for your son and although he was not there to see the boy has always been stocky, he just does not want him to develope unhealthy eating habits, the health risks coinciding with these habits, or face teasing from other children when your son gets older.

He is trying on "daddy" shoes. Believe me, I understand your sensitivity, noone will love your child like you. Noone knows what is best for your child but you, right? The idea is SOMETIMES even people who are not directly related to a child can have the best interest in mind. He is not saying your son is fat or you are a bad mom.

If he though these things he would not be wanting to marry you and help raise your son. He is just saying maybe slowing adding more healthy items to the child's diet may be benifical.

The next time he discusses this with you have a deep discussion with him about what he wants to accomplish as the role of daddy. Listen to him, do not cut in, and get an idea of what he feels a good dad is. Afterwards discuss with him items where you feel strongly about how you want your son to be raised. From there you each know where each stands and can comprimise- YES COMPRIMISE.

When two families join together both must be willing to make sacrifices and changes to benifit a family. Your son, your H, and you will have to work together....ALWAYS!!!!


Talk, talk, talk before you tie the not. The last thing you need for your son is to allow an attachment to be made with a father figure just to have it yanked away-again. I would even suggest moving out the wedding date a few months just so you two can conquer some of the important issues and make sure this is right for the both of you.

My current H and I have encountered so many problems which have placed stress on outr relationship- my X, raising the girls, having a new baby, and just getting to know each other. This is what happens when you rush a relationship. I am 25, my H is 25 and we have been together for 3 1/2 year and married for 8 months. I hiope you take some of my advice, and best of luck to you

Also, no you are not too sensitive. Explaibn to him when you need your space to allow for you to have some space- but do nopt leave him in the cold. Just sweetly tell him you have something on your mind and that you need a couple min. to restore yourself. Afterwards talk to him. Communication is the key to a wonderful relationship.