I have been here for a few months and have posted on the Emotional Needs board with my sitch. I have also read everything on this site and have even shared words of encouragement with some of the wonderful people here that are going through so much!

A little back ground: Me-43(prior marriage 22 years ago, then H cheated with his boss's 16 year-old D) H-46 (first marriage) Married 14 years. 1 absolutely, fantastic son- age 9.

We have been having "difficulties" the last few years. Alot of resentment, not meeting each others needs, etc..
H has been sleeping in the spare bedroom for about a month now, he says it's because I've been such a B*tch. I agree, but I have alot of resentment that has been building up, and despite my efforts using MB principles for 4 months nothing has changed. So, I just let him sleep there.
Comminucation is less than zero.

Then today, I was checking the history on our computer,
(my son goes on "club penquin" and I want to make sure no pop-ups or erroneous web sites have been visited)
When I see a website called webMD in the history. I was curious because I know I have not visited this site. What do I find? My H has obviously been searching "Penile problems"; mainly gonorrhea and syphyllis, and HPV!
The search on the web page was "white stuff on penis"!

We have not had any SF since March 16th! I am not experiencing any female issues.

Can someone tell me what this might mean?

PGA

It means you need to get yourself to your doctor AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN and get tested for STD's.

Thank you Longhorn,
I know this. It's just so hard to take!
I would have never thought this of him, yet here I am. Lost, yet it all seems to make some sense. EEWW! I think I'll go throw-up now!
Thanks again,

PGA

So,
Whet do I do now? Confront him with the search engine results?
Not say a word until I get tested ( Which I know for a fact will be negative) I'm very hygenic!
I was feeling very suspicious about a month ago, but all angles showed no activity, until now.
I feel like a lost puppy.
Stupid Stupid Me!

PGA

Plans,
I would start snooping some more. Find out all that you can.Check emails, phone bills, etc. Cheaters lie. If you confront him with just this he will deny it. Get all the intel you can, then confront.

It makes sense that he calls you a "b**ch" as an excuse to not have SF with you, which is usually a red flag in any M.

Also if you have been trying to meet his ENs and there has not been a good reaction, an A is usually the reason. I think you know all this.

I would get tested ASAP. I would snoop. I would read up on Plan A and B.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you have to be here for this reason.

Thank you MichleG,
Thank you!Thank you!
I have been "snooping" through his cell phone calls,
(online) but the calls he makes frequently are mainly to his normal accounts (he's a salesman). There has always been a big volunme of call to all sexes, I just don't know!
Anything else? I really appreciate all everyone has to offer!
PGA

I would recommend a PI. I didn't want to at first but it was the answer for me. I got her name, telephone no., address and type of car from him in 24 hrs.

Are you sure that it wasn't your son looking for information?

Believer has a good point.

Snoop some more before jumping the gun and getting the PI...

But keep that thought in your back pocket...

Thank you Mimi,
It is just soooo painful. Do I want to know, or do I not want to know?
I think we both know the answer to this, it just hurts.
HURTS, HURTS, OW!
Wow, what a differnce a day makes!
I have revered your advice for everyone who has needed it! I have agreed most of the time, yet facing this I, I , I am a blubbery mess!

I hate crying, yet it seems to be the only thing I'm good at!
YUK!
PGA

Dear Beleiver,
My 9 year-old son could not spell syphyliis if he tried.
Hence. it does not spell like it sounds.
Anyhow, I have read plenty of your advice to others, and I am absolutely blessed that you would respond to me!
Thank you!

PGA

I certainly know how much it hurts, PGA...

But, if there's an A, now you can REALLY get to work on your marriage.

All is not lost.

It's taken years and lots of hard work since my D-Day but today I can truly say that I am thankful for that day.

Little did I know it then but that day marked the beginning of the end of my H's affair.


Like my Grandmother always said: "THE TRUTH IS THE LIGHT"...

Dear Beleiver,
see, I couldn't even spell it, and I tried!
Yikes, I feel sick!
PGA

Check credit card invoices and look for unusual motels, meals, gifts you didn't receive, clothing, lingerie, jewelry and the like.

Check his vehicle and sports bags and jacket pockets. Swap cars with a friend and follow him one full day. Purchase a voice activated recorder and place it well hidden in his vehicle. Purchase and install a keylogger for your computer, and you can capture every keystroke.

These are things I did, but still only had 1/2 the picture. If I had it to do over again, I would hire a PI, and get concrete evidence in a much quicker time period. If he IS innocent, you will find that out too. If he finds out, use this to open lines of communication to find out what he's thinking about your marriage, and suggest counseling with the Harleys to get things on track.

You must be clever and not get caught at the snooping, because if he is involved, he'll go way underground. You need to find out all you can about the OP, so you can fully expose the affair, if indeed there is one.

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, and all the advice you get here will make more sense to you.

Sorry you find a need to be here...

SD

Mimi, If I may call you so..
It is so hard to detect what is the "professional" relation-ship from the the sales "relationship" on his phone.
I think? everyone agrees? that the web site search engine is not key?.
Why look for something you don't have? Right?
My poor son has no idea!
Funky question here, but I must ask....Does anyone think my H has some sort of disease, and would rather let me die of it, instead of admitting it? Me heart says so!

PGA

Who knows what the website stuff was all about?

You ARE suspicious of him, though. Right?

You would have been even if you had not found the website information.

If you are like I was, you have that suspicion but you don't want to admit it to yourself.

You know that your H is not likely to go that long without having S with you.

Shattered has great ideas.

Start with looking everywhere..without him knowing...in his wallet..in his gym bag..in his secret hiding places...

Look for anything that seems odd, out of place, out of sorts.

By all means, do not share your suspicions with him now. He will go UNDERGROUND.

He will not admit to anything.

SD:
Oh My Gosh,
This is all so over flabergasting (sp?)
I work alot, mostly out of town, so I agree, the PI is the only way to go. I quess I'll have to give up on pedicures, which means every three months now!
Maybe someone in sunny so cal can recommend?
Seems like the dark ages to me...

PGA

I guarantee you that the money that you spend will be worth it to you.

IF he is wayward, you cannot listen to your heart regarding how to proceed. You must deal with all of this in a cerebral manner, and put what your heart is saying on a shelf, at least until you get bottom of what is going on.

The MB program is designed to help you make a difference based on what YOU do, because please understand that you cannot make your H do anything but what he chooses.

So listen to the sage advice you receive here and PLAN your course of action. Don't react in haste to anything that develops until you are extremely familiar with the MB program. You could make mistakes that make a long process take even longer.

Best wishes,
SD

I have 2 sons, and tracked their internet usage when they were younger. YIKES! But I was thinking about the search - white stuff/penis, and being such an expert (ha-ha) on penises, was thinking of that stuff that uncircumsized males have - forget what it is called.

Anyway, hubby could have a yeast infection, or something like that, but it is a red flag if he isn't going to the doctor about it. Looking it up on the internet is foolish.