Things aren't going very well with me and my wife right now. She can't really see that there is any advantage to coming back to the marriage, as opposed to being with the other guy, or even noone at all right now.

To everyone who has been successful, why did your spouse decide to stay with you, try to make it work, get rid of the other person, however you they decided to word it?

My wife asked me this today, in the same conversation where she was talking about moving out.

Thanks,

Ron

In the long run

my H realized that marriage was part of his value system

adultery was not

he recognized his self-betrayal

he wanted to be married
he did not want to be adulterous

he felt his life & his soul were not right with God
and he wanted to be right with God

of course, there is moi
he hated thinking about me with anyone but him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

((( Ron )))

The best that I can figure - is a darn good Plan A... they see the changes you have made and you are making the marriage more desirable than the affair...

Oh - and exposing the affair to the light of day, while putting your very best foot forward...

Hi Ron,

Fulfill the WS's ENs!!! This is the big one.

Drop anger and demands, those only make it worse, not better. The WS thinks anger and demands are good reasons to have an A or continue with it.

In place of anger and demands, tell the WS that it hurts and don't be afraid to show it. This isn't wimpy behavior, it's honesty and brings up guilt rather than the WS's perception that you deserved what they did.

Get more socially active. If the WS is leaving, you leave too. Go out and do FUN stuff. Start exercising, cleaning stuff up, general things you'd do for dating. This gets the WS thinking about what's going to happen soon if they're not with the BS all the time rather than out with the OP. Granted this only works if you're the better catch, but typically the WS is trading down with the OP while having a low self esteme issue.

Remind the WS of your good qualities. In the WS talking to the OP, she's found out recently what the OP's qualities are, remind the WS of yours either through talking about them with her, or showing her in what you do. This one's tough to do, but does work if the WS brings up the OP.

Although it's bucking the trend, buy stuff or do things for the WS when they're with you and not seeing the OP. The OP is either doing the same, or isn't. You want to be sure you're at least keeping up with the OP, or bettering the OP. Don't do it all the time, just when the WS attitude has diminished somewhat.

Get lots of sleep and eat right.

Time, and the WS being around you. The OP will hate that and they'll start to fight over it. Take your time, enjoy your time with the WS. The OP will be fuming over it and the WS will start doing the fog talk to the OP too.

Spend as much time as possible with the WS, not in a hounding manner, but as a good friend and marriage partner. Don't let the OP outdo you on this if you have the opportunity to do so.

Remind the WS that it's not morally right and it's against what God said to do. Even if they're not the most religious person, they might still get the message. This won't mean much to some and may make them mad.

Occasionally trust the WS, openly trust them. This tells them that you think they can have integrity again as this passes. You can't control the WS anyway, monitoring them and trying to control them is a waste of time.

Tell your WS that you forgive them for what they've done and don't want it to happen again, but that if it happens again you don't know how you'll feel then. You just don't want it to happen anymore, you want them back as they used to be. This gives them hope that they can return to the M.

To some, those above seem like they wouldn't work, but they have worked for me. The WS said she was sorry 6 weeks after the A started and has been becoming the W again ever since.

My expectation is that some A's won't respond to anything, and that really depends on what the WS thinks, and thinks deep down. Don't do anything fast, take your time, try to remain positive, and keep working on the plan A. If you feel your love is about gone, go to plan B.

God bless,
CS

Ron,

Many reasons

She wanted to end the kid's pain
She thought I deserved a second chance
She could not turn her back on 27 years of history and marriage.
She had an encounter with God

Great feedback folks - I'm still trying... XH isn't entertaining thoughts of coming home yet (we're D, but I'd like it if we could reconcile...)

This is very encouraging for those of us working on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

JinGA