My husband told me about his affair yesterday nite. He developed feelings for this colleague of his about 1-2 months ago. She is everything he wanted. Nice, sweet, kind hearted, talented. He told me he could not stop his feelings. Though the girl did not encourage him, she did silently consent to all his 'advances'. She lets him pick her and send her home everyday, accepting his gifts, etc. One day, he decided to hold her hands and she let him. Though after that she told him that they should not go on. My husband was not a bad person. He was feeling very guilty throughout the whole period but during the confession he told me he 'couldn't help falling in love with her'. My heart was totally broken. First of all, I thought we had a good H/W relationship. I love him very much and have always thought the feelings are mutual. I suspected that something fishy was going on because he acted a bit funny on a few occasions. But I thought I was being overly sensitive which I was well known for. The good news is that he ended that affair. He didn't agree it was an affair because they did not go beyond holding of hands. But to me, it was devastating enough already. He had a good talk with that girl and they both agreed they'll remain as friends. He did not asked for my forgiveness because he knows he doesn't deserve it. But he did want me to not leave him. Since yersterday, I could not stop crying. The thought of him initiating the affair simply tears me apart. Had I not love him enough? How do I go on from here? Do I pretend that nothing has happened?

samsam, all contact between them must end for life or this is hopeless. This is an affair and it will only get worse if they stay in contact. He is addicted to her and cannot withdraw until contact ends TOTALLY.

They are not "friends" anymore and cannot GO BACK.

He needs to first end contact with her and then we can help you repair the damage here. And no, you don't pretend nothing happened; something very terrible has happened to you.

I am sorry you are here, dear, but this is hardly the end of the world if you let us help you.

But he cannot quit his job now. In fact he has been looking for a new job for the past 1 year and it hasn't been easy. He 'guarantees' that he will remain as friend with her from now on. The thing is he could have kept this affair a secret and end it quietly and I would not know about it at all. But he chose to be honest with me. Is there anyway around it? If I really want him to end all contact, it'll mean either one of them losing a job. Also, I do not know how to put it across to him without sounding demanding.

Can she leave?

L.

You mean he *won't* quit his job now.



Sorry dear, wrong answer. I could *almost* buy it if he said things would be business only going forward but "just friends?" That's a red flag, IMO.

Would you leave a bottle of (insert alcoholic beverage here) in the presence of an alcoholic?

Would you leave illicit drugs in the presence of a junkie?

It's the *same thing*.

I smoke. If I was wanting to quit, but there was a package of cigarettes in the drawer, sooner or later I'd be all over them. Why? Because I'm addicted to them, that's why. If there aren't any, I can manage without them, but if there are some to be had, I'm there.

It's the *same* thing. If he's still around her, no matter what he says, he's still going to have the warm fuzzies and the risk of relapse is just too great. No contact means NO CONTACT. One of them needs to go, and a NC letter written by him, to her, and delivered.

Is OW married? If so the A MUST be exposed to her H. And it should also be exposed to the employer. The more light shed on the A, the less likely it is to be resumed.


You already said something was fishy. Sooner or later you'd have figured it out. We always figure it out eventually.



IMO he chose to salve his guilty conscience by unloading his guilt on you.


Expose expose expose. There is no way around it if you want to save your M. If one or both's jobs is at risk, they should have thought about that *before* they got into an A.

JinGA

JinGa, what you said is so true. By telling me, he remove himself from the guilt and thus now he can 'openly' care for her since they are still 'friends'. But I don't know what to do next. Expose them? How?
He came home today and told me that he felt very sorry for what he did. Not only to me but also to the OW. This is because one of his colleague is quite close with me and could not stand this affair too. She had been very 'mean' (mean to him but to me I felt that she did me a great favor) to the OW by spreading gossips of the affair around the office. The only thing is that this colleague do not know for a fact that the affair really exist so she did not dare to come and tell me about it. About this OW. My husband felt that she is a victim too because of his actions and so he felt very bad to have her suffered through all the gossips. And so he wanted to stand up for her, talk to her, console her. To me, these are all actions of love. And it is tearing me apart. He said I should feel sorry for her too because she is also a victim. He hoped that I could meet her so that I will understand how 'pitiful' she is and maybe become friends with her so that she will feel better (she had been feeling very guilty for breaking up my marriage). She might truely be the victim and had suffered for the affair for all I care! I do not believe her pains are greater than mine in any way. Thus I now know that my husband is still in love with her. And thus the great reluctance to break all contact. So what do I do next? Expose the affair or ask him to chose? I love him very much and do not want him to go. But I guess if he is physically with me but his heart is somewhere else, then there is no point in keeping this marriage isn't it?

All psycho fog babble from your unrepentant WH. Nothing more. IF he truly got it he would see her as an accomplice to helping to destroy your M and despise his and her efforts and actions.

He's clueless and wants to keep the door open for their affair to continue in case you dump his azz on the front porch.

Contact the colleague and expose. The can be part of your support team if you wish.

As for the Ow, I believe she is quite the clever one. Be cautious. She paints herself as a victim. Could mean she's done it before. That would make her dangerous and your H a fool.

L.

I discovered more lies and thus more heartaches. I had 2 long talks with my husband since the day he confessed and thought we had sort things out. While he still refuses to stop all contacts (how can I make him!!), he asked me to trust him that he only treat her as a friend now. He will ask no more from her and will not make any more advances towards her. The reason for his refusal is that it does not solve anything. It will only make him not tell me anything in the future. He told me if he lies about him coming back to me, so what if he stopped all contacts with her? He can still see her behind my back or worse, start another affair at the new workplace.
Anyway, the lies that I discovered was when I asked if he had taken pictures of her with his handphone. I am 99% sure he did (knowing him). I wanted to know if he still keeps them and if so, how many of them. He was reluctant to tell me at first, said that he thought we passed that already. I insisted and he had no choice and told me he had 2 pictures of her. I wanted to see them and he refused. So I questioned him if he is trying to hide something. He had no choice so he did. But very secretively. He will move away from me while he scroll to the picture and will hold on to the handphone while I looked. This sets off a great red flag for me so I demanded for his handphone. So I found out that he actually had 4 pictures of her (lies!) and one of them was taken on a day that he told me he had to attend a religious meeting and thus will be coming home late. So he actually lied to me about going to the meeting but was going out with her instead. Oh my, the searing pain was almost unbearable. But he explained that he did had a meeting appointment that day. But he was very tired after work so he originally plan to come home. But she wanted to go somewhere to buy something so he drove her. And somehow decided to shop with her and took a picture of her with the toy display. And that was all before the confession so that was the time he was 'astrayed'. But he has confessed already and had decided to stop the relationship. So I should not keep 'complaining' about 'old' incidents. Ok, I told him, I will let go of this lying incident but I do not want lies no more. He promised. So when I asked him to delete the pictures, he refused. He said 'ok you do not want me to lie to you so here is the truth. as much as i had promised to come back and not leave you, i can't help but still have feelings for her. i cannot stop that feeling immediately. please give me time to heal also'. I asked him how can he heal when he sees her everyday and keeps her picture! He told me that he don't see what's wrong with keeping her pictures. He had pictures of his other female colleagues too. Does that mean he needs to delete them all? Does that mean he cannot talk to another female again? The thing is that eversince we got married or even before that, we were never the kind to keep pictures of each other in our wallets, handphones, office etc. So that handphone of his had no pictures of me but 4 pictures of her which he refuses to delete!
I think for now the affair had stopped simply because the OW had prevented it from going further. But I felt that he is still not fully repentent even though he will hold me and tell me that he is sorry for hurting him and please please give him time also to recover. I really don't know what to do now. Tonight he is going for another religious meeting again. I can't help but wonder how true is it. But what can I do to find out? I have no friends from his religious group and I can't possible tail him from office... If I asked, I can't be sure of the answer that he tells me is true... Argh... this is all so painful... Should I just leave him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The affair has not stopped and will not stop until all contact ends. He is with the OW tonight.

Did you read our advice to you?

It's much easier to shut off feelings when the other person is GONE.

No contact is the ONLY acceptable answer. No contact, no pictures, no working together - nothing.

He is playing you. He's lying through his teeth and you're OK with it?

NO CONTACT, period.

Contact his employer and expose the affair.

Contact his family and expose the affair.

If OW is married, contact her husband and expose the affair.

Expose the affair.

Expose the affair.

JinGA

Melody, thanks for putting it so simple. I am very sad to say I see that clearly now. I had been avoiding this, thinking that my WH is different, he will truely end the A and we will all be ok again. So what do I do now? How do I carry out a good plan A? By exposing the A at his workplace, what do I do? Call his boss or supervisor? Do I warn him that I am doing that? Or do I drop it like a bomb? How about our mutual friends? How do I go about doing that? I feel like writing him a letter to tell him why I will be doing this. Will I be wasting my time? Pls advice! Help is very much appreciated!

JinGa, so after I expose the affair what do I do? If he decides to move out then how can I carry out the rest of the Plan A?

Plan A is about improving yourself. More or less, it's making yourself and the marriage more attractive than the affair.

Read Plan A if you haven't already - it should be quite clear.

You cannot control what he does. You cannot fix him. You can only fix you and you can only control what you do.

Plan A will help you do that.

Meanwhile, exposing the affair will likely put an end to it. Drop it like a bomb. Wasn't it like a dropped bomb when you found out? Turnaround is fair place when it comes to saving your marriage.

If you feel like it's all a waste of time, move out and file for divorce. If you feel like saving the marriage, expose the affair, and start Plan A. You're more in control of this than you may realize.

JinGA

samsam, does your husband work for a school? To whom does he report?

Plan A is all about negotiating an end to the affair. You would stay in Plan A for a very short period of time, showing him your best side.

You would then go to Plan B if the affair does not end. You should not leave your home, but file legal seperation and ask him to LEAVE your home.

Samsam, go on the MB bookstore and order Surviving an Affair and read that book as soon as possible. That will give you a good idea of Plan A and Plan B. You would also want to read the articles on this website about adultery.

No, my H is a salesman. He travels out during the day quite a bit but he will definitely start and end the day at the office. He reports to his manager and also to the CEO of the company. It's quite a small business so the staff strength is only about 10-15 people. His manager, that CEO and a couple of his collegues had seen me before because I attended some company function with him. I suppose I can call the CEO and make an appt with him to tell him about the A. But what should I ask him to do? Terminate either one of them? I don't believe they have a company policy on dating co-workers.

The main purpose of exposing is to shine light into the festering dark hole where the affair is fermenting. Whether they get fired or punished is a whole other matter, and you should not feel one bit regret if that happens. They brought this on themselves, not you.

If they do happened to get forcefully separated because of it, all the better.

And yes, your husband is doing everything possible to continue this affair. His actions and manipulation of your emotions are very obvious to us that have seen this before. You will recognize this in time as well. A WS is very skilled in the dark arts.

Baby, I used to fear the repercussions of my H, too. But I had the in fight or flight mentality. I KNEW I would get in so much trouble with him when I called her, Ididn"t care.
It was done or it would work. It worked. He has never said one word to me regarding the exposure. He knew it was a necesary evil.

I had a good talk with my husband last sunday and told him about my decision. I am tired of feeling hurt and crying all the time. I am slowly turning into the person that I don't want to be - depressed, paranoid, sucidial (a demon that I constantly had to battle since young) and totally irrational. So I am going to let go. He wanted time to forget, I will give him the time to recover from his withdrawal. But in the mean time, I will improve myself and concentrate on making myself a better person. I will not cry over this anymore, I will try to be optimistic, I will start caring more for my family members (parents, grandparents, siblings) and I will cheer up! I miss my own smile! I will love him and treasure him still. But after all this, if he still decide that he could not let go of his feelings for her, I will let him go. And the most amazing thing happened. He came over and hug me and say he will not leave me. Let's work on the marriage. Previously, I had to beg him to hug me and he won't do it volunteerily. I felt peace at last. For the first time since D day, I was able to sleep well that night. And while I was debating should I expose the A (I know I should but I want to 'spoil' our talk), the A got out in the open, in his office at least. Not exposed by me. He had a colleague who is on quite good terms with me. She could not stand the A knowing how much I would be hurt. She asked him to stop but at that time (before he confessed to me) he didn't want to. So after knowing he confessed to me, she thought he will see an improvement in him but no, he continues to care for that OW. So she decided to expose the A to put pressure on the 2 of them. He came back very upset. He told me that he 'stopped' the A because he could see or foresee the damage that he could have caused. But the worse still happens. Now, the OW's reputation is damanged eventhough she was the one who asked him to stop and avoided him since. He asked if I could talk to this colleague of his and asked her to stop further damages because she may listen to me. I didn't want to get drag into this because also frankly speaking, I am very happy that it happened. I don't want her to stop. So what should I do now? Should I really go talk to this colleague? I did wanted to call her and thanked her. Should I also talk to the OW? I thought I should be thankful that she stopped the A in time and since my WH still has feelings for her, I should encourage her to continue to avoid him and hopefully, he'll get out of his addiction. Good idea? Bad idea?