Hi,

I just wanted to tell the story of a friend of mine whos husband is having an affair.

They've been married for 29+ years and she came to me for advise............I don't understand why <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If you would like to learn how it will NOT work, read further. I'll call her Betty and I'll call him Steve.

D-D came and Betty bashed Steve........he didn't admit a thing...........still hasn't up to this day. (4+ years)She threatened him, bad-mouthed him, Betty insulted Steve the worse you could believe...........he didn't admit.

Betty came to me and we talked for quit awhile and I explained Plan A to her..........well I tried to.....it turns out that Betty will simply NOT listen.
I told her that it would help if she would learn to "listen" what others have to say............

Betty came over to my place to talk MANY times..........I was still at the point where I tried to explain Plan A to her.........as it had started to get physical between Steve and Betty. Physical Fights!!!

I explained that it would help to calm down the situation if she would try to avoid contact with him............just until things had calmed down.

Well, it turns out that Betty didn't avoid anything........she'd run after Steve whenever she had the opputurnity to. They'd yell and scream and hit each other.......

Then she'd come raging to me.............she's even questioned me about why/how it was possible for my husband and I to work things out and why it is not working for them??? Duh.........she just doesn't get it.......

Betty has done just about everything possible to "push" the affairees together.............she has done the opposite of a Plan A and her WS is giving her a PLAN B because he can't take it anymore..............

So whoever might be reading this..............please if you really want to achieve a positive outcome in your marriage, stick to what is written in Marriage Builders.

It might NOT work all the time but if you honestly give your best with an "Open mind & Open ears" you can truely say that you "Gave it all".............

Betty believes she has given "everything" to save her marriage and she's still raging.............she just gave me a call to tell me that her WS slammed the door and her foot was inbetween............and she mentioned that this happened after she was running after him raging and screaming at him............

I'm sorry if this post might sound a little strange but I don't get it.

Why do some people come around for advise and they simply go on to do what they think is right, without even "thinking"???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

bb

Tell her to get a video camera, set it up, and let it run.

She might find watching herself "in action" to be worth more than a thousand words.

(((((blondblossom)))))

Forever,

that of course would be a "PERFECT" thing to do...........even I could use that at times. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

bb

I secretly video-taped D-Day #3. The 2 hour tape clicked into rewind just as WH left the room. (He knew I was recording the 'event' when I had to flip/change the audio 45 min. tapes twice.) I was surprised when he did not get upset, a sign to me he might be sincere this time in his apologies.

During our decades of detachment (with his permission) I often tape recorded his "bad attitude" sarcasm (which I later discovered were passive/aggressive habits we both are dealing with) and it did no good.

BB, Fog comes in many thicknesses so your friend might see the same externally (on video) as she feels internally in life. And, like my H, it probably wouldn't do any good, but it might be interesting.

Ace

I'm sorry your friend didn't give her marriage a real chance, BB. You gave her some tools that would help them, but it's unfortunate she chose not to use them.

You tried, BB.

Lori

This is very frustrating for me...........but "of course" I'll get over it. I just have to think of a way to "get over to her" that I don't want her to keep on "leaning on me" for advise.............. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She somehow believes that my marriage "recovered" without any effort............as if it just happens........... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

oh well............c'est la Vie!

bb

Betty's setting herself up for a major cardiac arrest. Does she know this? Is she ok with this?

Betty truly needs help but seems t/b too stubborn at it. Ask Betty, what else is she stubborn at and has it worked for her?

Then let Betty know that while she may be right, how she shows it is as important as being right.

Try to find BR's post about being right or being Married?

L.

Orchid,

Betty's setting herself up for a major cardiac arrest
sorry, I don't understand that one..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> (language problems)

I don't think that it's even worth finding that letter for Betty............I'd have to translate it and as you read, she doesn't listen anyways. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

bb

BB,

I'm not doctor and may have said it wrong. S/b: Heart Attack.

The woman is causing herself major stress with minor benefits (if any).

There are definitely anger management issues and if she doesn't watch out, charges c/b filed against her.

L.

Orchid,

remember........I'm not in the US...........it takes alot over here until anyone could file against her. But both Betty and Steve have issues with anger..........

She has NO benefits at all through her behavior. She's constantly getting herslef into more trouble. She now has to fight for $$$, she might be loosing her appartment, she might be loosing her car and she has limited access to the place where she lives.

She can't walk around where she wants to........Steve got this settled in court.

The more she rages, the lower she is going to fall..........and why???? This is so sad..........she will surely NOT save her marriage because it so down the hill, it's unbelievable.

bb