Hi everyone, I have not posted before, so here it goes. Any comments you send me are greatly appreciated, I feel so alone.

My husband and I have been married 5 years and after our sex life recently stopped, I got him to be honest about his feelings. He said he doesn't love me anymore. (Happy 30th Birthday to me!) This isn't the first time we've had trouble. He had an emotional affair a couple of years ago, and he begged me to forgive him. We did work it out with some help. I forgave him and thought we were doing okay. I have very high expectations for life, and he is much more laid back, aka: un-motivated couch potato, I have fallen into the very bad habit of nagging(a very rough summary of the root of our conflicts). Up until 6 months ago we were planning for a family, trying out baby names etc., so this turn of events has me in turmoil. He has been feeling this way since December 06, while I am just learning all of this in the last 8 weeks. We have been seeing a councelor who has shown us how his lack of honesty about his feelings, and the way I was making him feel, is the reason things are so bad. I wish he had felt more comfortable in addressing this between us months ago.

I feel like my husband has put the responsibility of saving the marriage on me, which I have taken on, at least as much as one person can do by themselves. I have acknowledged the changes he has expressed I would need to make, and have been implementing them the best I can. The problem is, he seems to have his mind made up to divorce me, no matter what changes are made, and has not offered any of his own changes I have expressed I need. Anytime I do something nice or try to talk with him I get the cold shoulder.

I feel like he is purposely keeping me at a distance, and tries to pick fights so I will yell or fight back - anything to give him more reason to leave me, or to make me file for the divorce myself. I refuse to do that, and am trying to keep my sanity as my best friend seems to be changing personalities so quickly.

We have always had problems with his lack of honesty to me, so I don't know if there is already another woman or not. He says there isn't but does admit to flirting with a married coworker. Given his behavior I think there must be somebody else who has his attention. He says there isn't, but he denied his last affair several times, and only admit it after he was caught.

Divorce is not an option for me, but I am starting to come to terms with the reality that my husband may go through with it, and I will need to be prepared. He has admitted that he is very concerned about being considered a jerk by friends and family as the one to end our marriage, which maybe why he hasn't filed already.

I have told him that I will lighten up on the little things, but that loyalty and honesty are two things that I will not compromise on, and I will always expect from him. I said if he isn't willing or able to committ to those two things, then he should divorce me so I can find somebody who will. That is where we are at now. I am implementing the no-nagging rule, and waiting to see if he chooses to work on our marriage or if he will leave me.

A large part of my struggle is re-assessing my convictions to stay married to a man who has repeatedly lied to me, and has not always been loyal. A side note is his lack of ambition to do much except play softball and watch TV. As much as divorce is not an option for me, I feel myself yearning for a partner who loves life and pursues it with as much zest as I do. I don't know if my husband will ever be that man. The cheating and lying is hard enough to deal with, why should I put up with it?

I have come to terms with the possibility of being single again, and am grateful for a good job so I could be on my own if needed. I would hate to lose our house though, and have no idea on how assets are divided in divorce.

I have not told my family of our struggles in the hope that we do make it. I guess I am protecting him from their resentment. It all adds up to my feeling very alone in my problems, which is why this website has been so helpful. The tools it provides and the chance to network with others who are facing difficult issues also.

I hope to hear from you, and thank you for taking time to read my post.

BBL

Sorry to hear of your sad situation. However without true honesty and absolute loyalty you will not want this marriage forever, maybe now, but not forever.
In fact a business partership lacking these fundimentals will always fail in time.

Sorry too, because this is my situation, only reversed. One person can do alot,
working on patterns and issues with self (meeting Emotional Needs, eliminating Love Busters, etc.), but if the other wants something (or someone) else, or worse, won't choose after months or years, there is little hope. Plan B may be an option, planning for your future is essential.

Hang in there, be smart, go slow. (I am actually giving myself this "pep talk" daily) Best of luck!

You seem like a very intelligen person with high expectations. If he can not be honest and loyal to you, then (as cold as it sounds) move on without him. Ask youself, is this the person I want as the father of my future children. Don't try to make excuses for him or save face for him. This is his doing and he must be held accoutable for his behaviors. If you have a feeling that there is someone else, then more than likey there is. Trust your intuition. you have tried to make it work, but without his help, it will not be possible. Yeah maybe you might get a "D", but don't see it as a mistake. See it as a way to learn for the future. There is someone out there for everyone, and we may not always get it the first time. The good thing is in the end, you survive and become a stronger person for it. Just don't feel alone, everyone has come to hurdles like this in their marriage. Just remember that their has to be absolute trust, honesty, and loyalty in your marriage. If he is not willing to give these, he is not worth keeping. You are worth that and more. Remember that!!!!

Thank you for the encouragement. The truth is painful sometimes, but the deceit is far worse. I know that if my husband is unable to be faithful and honest with me, I deserve much, much more. I have to do my best and give us a chance or I won't be able to move on without regrets. Thanks again for responding to my post.

BlueBlueLagoon