So much has happened. We have had a rocky 17yr marriage with 3 sons. The first 13+ yrs of our marriage was filled with lies from my husband. We went to counceling at one point to get help for his emotional affair. Years later he started asking me to be with other men as it excited him. This hurt me greatly and I let him know this. Eventually it led to me having an ongoing affair with his brother. He was hurt, but at the same time he encouraged more as he felt it was somewhat exciting. This really confused me and hurt. Eventually I started to have some feelings towards his brother and ended the affair. My husband kept encourageing me to go to the bars and meet someone for "fun". I would go with friends and eventually I met a nice guy.We didnt do anything physical but started having alot of phone conversations. I was getting many emotional needs met by this man. Eventually my husband found out and I ended conversations. A week later my husband thought it might be fun for me to meet this man for FUN. I was very reluctant but went. We never did more than kissing and talking. I ended conversations with him as husband started to act jealous etc. I have many other issues with my husband and brought them up to him the other day and felt like I couldnt continue the marriage if things werent fixed....including his wierd sexual wants. He agreed and we founf Marriage Builders. Well yesterday he looked at my phone records and said he never realized that I talked to this other man as much as I did and he is severly hurt! He is devastated! Last night he didnt come home until late and he was sobbing and crying and felt his world had ended. I feel horrible, but at the same time feel it wasnt just my fault. We are seeking counceling also and we are in the very very beginning stage of recovery. he said he is empty inside and feels like he has nothing left to live for, but he is also talking about things he wants us to do such as spend 15 hours alone time per week. I dont know what I am lookingt for here except that our whole world has crashed and we are both in pain. I hurt that I caused him so much pain also. I dont even know if I posted this under the right category other than I think we are about to begin recovery. Any help, advise, thoughts, anything could help at this point. [color:"purple"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

It's hard to feel sorry for him if he tried to talk you into doing this. I think it would be natural to develop feelings for someone else when your spouse was treating you like that.

However, you are still married.

I can tell you from personal experience that the marriage builders program works if you follow it. Get "His Needs, Her Needs" and read that, but also get "Love Busters, habits that destroy romantic love." and read that. Between the two books, you will both learn what went wrong, and how to make your marriage into something wonderful.

I think your H needs to understand that the requests he has been making are HUGE love busters, and that if he was to continue along that direction you won't want to stay with him. I believe counseling will help, if you get a good counselor.

How about you - what are you feeling about all that has happened?

SS

I agree, I felt like I was being pushed away. However ultimatly it was my choice to do what I did. I feel sick over it. We are planning on buying the entire Home Study course and I am hoping it will help alot. So far the site has been extreamily helpful. We are planning on both taking the emotional needs questionere tonight or tommorrow night.

You asked about my feelings. Well I do feel upset still that he ever wanted to share me like that. I never intended on even participating in such acts, however I was getting some emotional needs met by these men and that made me move into that direction.

I have since told my husband that I never ever want him to request anything of that nature again, because I simply cannot handle it. He agreed. Today has been a much better day. Yesterday was absoluetly horrible. I didnt know if I was still going to have a marriage as of today.

We have many other issues to tackle, such as he verbally uses me as his jokes and puts me down in front of others alot. He also does this to many of our friends and noone appreciates it at all. He also was diagnosed years ago as being addicted to sex (porn) and it seems like he has replaced that addiction with spending. We are in serious debt from his huge purchases.

Thankyou for posting back to me. This was very hard to post especially since I was the one who had an affair. However our circumstances are so different than most......not that I am trying to legitamize it or anything. It (both affairs) were wrong, even the emotional affair was wrong.

I hope to stick around here as we have a really long road ahead of us and I need all the support I can get right now.

Thanks again - J

The thing I like about Harley's book "Love Busters" is that he defines those kinds of mean things that we do that destroy the love our spouse has for us, and he explains it well enough that our spouse "gets it."

He also explores how we SHOULD be acting as opposed to how we are acting. It was most helpful for me, and provided a road map for me to change so my W could love me the way I wanted her to.

One mistake I made was thinking that things would change quickly. We took years to get on each others bad side, and it took about 3 years before we could relax and know it was OK.
Not to say it didn't get better all the time, but we had doubts for quite a while.

The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) will go a long way to solve most of the problems you two face. It sounds like he is helping at least, so you have that much going for you.

Settle in for the long haul - it's a rocky road, but worth the bumps.

SS

Ya I understand its going to be a long haul. I figured either way would be a long haul (staying married or Divorcing). We have 3 kids together and have been together 19yrs(married 17). I am only 38 so I feel like I have only known HIM more than not being with him.

The thought of D devistates me however I have lost much respect for him and well as I dont feel like I am "in" love w/ him right now.

I feel really bad for putting him through similiar pain that I experienced after his EA. My A and EA hurt him greatly. I still do not understand why he was so alright with pushing me towards other men sexually and thinking that I would not develop feelings or some sort of emotional attachment. Then getting upset that I did. I even warned him that this could possibly be a great risk, but the sexual excitement he was getting from it seemed to overpower the thoughts of reality.

Whats hard right now is that I blame him and he blames me. I do take responsibilty for what I did, but I would have never ever went into that direction if it wasnt for months and months of constant pressure from him. He would even go as far as sending me personal ads from men seeking one night stands and really wanted me to act upon them. CRAZY!

Right now I need to heal and somehow feel safe and protected by my H, instead of pimped out (does that make sense). I want so badly to have a H that would never let anything hurt me, physically, emotionally or mentally. I cant believe the risks he knew was involved (diseases, aids, pregnancy, rape, or even worse) werent enough to make hi think twice. I would even tell him these concerns and he didnt seem concerned much.

Now I am supposed to believe that he truley loves me and cherishes me as his fragile flower?? I feel like he doesnt respect me and thinks I am some sex object!

Ok, sorry I know I rambled here much longer than intended. Last night was a good night for us. We did some talking and even wrote some things down on paper. I still hurt (both my own pain as well as pain from hurting him). How did this get to be such a mess?

This is more common than you might think. Your husband seems to have a thing for what is called "cuckolding", which EXACTLY describes your husband's behavior. I think it is sometimes related to swinging, but not necessarily so.

Me personally, to each his own. BUT, in this case, there are genuine hurt feelings and that is NEVER a good thing.

DISCLAIMER: I usually resort to humor in my posts. Not here. I don't want you to think that I am some sicko. Its just that I know what a "cuckold" is, and I recognized it right off the bat. NO, I have never participated in that. Ever.
Do a search and you can read about it. Be warned that there will be a lot of porno sites come up. Maybe start with Wikipedia first.

I am so, so sorry. I hope things get better. Your husband has a lot of problems. Also, I apologize for the sordid tone of this post.

Oh that word "cuckolding" is oh so familiar. YES thats exactly what he would like, NOWAY!!! Thats not me.

Now when we went to marriage counceling 5 yrs ago the therapist suggested that he was sexually addicted. He gave dh a book and dh read it and agreed that he was. Since we graduated that counceling he "supposivly" quit all the behaviors that brought us there in the first place (porn, magazines, online newgroups and forums, posting ads for one night stands, looking up old flames and having 7 months EA as well as a planned meeting with her.......the list can go on).

However dh said he dropped all that and learned how to communicate and eventually we graduated out. Well the acts that he was asking of me (cuckolding, sleeping w/other men and telling him about it etc) are actually his addiction. I didnt realize this until I talked to a councelor today and they are definatly sure its that (as its also extended into a spending addiction). I started reading on sexual addictions and OMG is it him to a tee. I am also the exact textbook co-addict!!!!! I now realize why he didnt care about my risks or relationship risks when it came to this. However he would waver back and forth at times, but always the addiction took over and he wanted it again.

I was feeling unloved like he didnt care about me at all!!! I am really messed up inside as reading today told me that co-addicts tend to do whatever it takes to try6 and please their addict, even if its against their values, morals or even dangerous!! Now I am not making him take full blame but its OH SO TRUE! However because my needs werent being met I allowed myself to get emotionally attached to these men. If I would have gone on with the last EA it may have led to a full divorce.

So what I am wondering is this...............do you think the Marriage builders information and home study courses would still be helpful? I think it will as I need to regain trust and love and overcome alot of pain and confusion. I am just sick at how the last year went and I cant even believe some of that was really me.


Oh and I talked to dh tonight about it and he 100% agrees. With reading the materials we read and the feelings and thoughts he has been having we both agree that its back..... now what??? Can this ever go away??? I am so confused here
SIGH

J <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I get a lot of flack for humor in my posts, but when it is serious game time, then that goes away. So here goes.

I see it like this. Marriage Builders can't hurt anything. If he is willing to go through with it, then great.

I see a problem with him coming to terms with the addiction. I don't know if Marriage Builders is geared towards that, what you are dealing with is kind of far out there. I've never dealt with this before. My family members are academics, and they have done research into deviant behaviors. I'm in the Criminal Justice field, so I have seen and heard of some of this stuff myself, just never on a personal level. So...

Perhaps you need to find a therapist for him that specializes in sexual addiction. For pointers, as WIERD as this sounds, (god I hate to even mention this so please forgive me) consider finding a LEGIT website that is in the subject area of cuckolding and swinging, maybe "polyamory" to boot. Some of those stories are sordid, and I am 100% certain that there are women out there that have been in your shoes. Maybe you can contact one of them and see how they handled it.

There are sex addict groups scattered throughout the nation. I don't know where you live, and don't need to know. Just know that there are open groups that meet (often in a church) for sex addicts.

To you and every member of this forum, once again I apologize for the sordid nature of this post. There really isn't a clean way to discuss it. Keep us updated.

Thankyou reprobatemind for so many responses back. Yes I would like to apoligize to everyone who is reading my posts as they are fairly graphic.

You say you see a problem with him coming to terms with his addiction. I am curious what you mean? Its always nice to have others see a different perspective on things.

Do you think that sexual addiction can ever be overcome? I know your not an expert in this field, but...........I am just so lost right now.

I need to find a website with others in my shoes. Its so appauling and embarrasing and I feel so ashamed having to discuss it, especially when I am sure I am dropping the jaws of many reading my posts.

If I remember right Polyamory has an emotional attachment and he wanted me to have absoluetly NO EMOTION, keep it all NSA and just have sex! I am such the opposite person than that. I am a people pleaser, I have a hard time saying No (exactly why I am such a d*** co-addict). I am one of the most emotional people ever, so for me to have even thought I could try to go in that direction was nuts!

I cant believe I never really placed this odd request of his into the addiction. I should have known. I should have known that he has never even left the addiction. Yesterday (before I relized this was his sexual addiction), I wrote a list of things I needed from him. The odd part was almost everything was ended with "in a non sexual way". Such as give me affection in a non sexual way, socialize with our friends....in a non sexual way, etc etc. Dh will just blurt out some really nasty really inappropriate comment out of the blue at times and everyone just looks at him like "where in the world did that come from?"

I am getting way off topic here and rambling too much. I feel the need to find people who understand what I am going through. I need to talk and get it off my chest. I just need to talk is all...................

so sad
J

What I meant was is this...I can see the value of Marriage Builders. What I do not know is if both of you go though MB together, whether that will properly address his sex addiction.

Think of it like this...Lets say me and you are married, and are going through a horrible rough spell. We both decide that we want to work on our marriage, and are willing to go through Marriage Builders exercises and books. The problem is, well, I have a heroin addiction. Maybe I should deal with that as well, huh? Dealing with my heroin addiction most likely wasn't entailed in a Marriage Builders program. I need some outside help with that, as well. Now substitute "heroin addiction" with "sex addiction", and maybe it will make more sense.

I have no personal experience with swinging, cuckolding, or polyamory. What I do know is that while some women are cool with all of it (to each his own), some women feel used and victimized if they are pushed into it. The women's stories are out there, and I would like to know how they dealt with it. That might point you in the right direction.

I would imagine that sex addiction can be overcome like any other addiction, but that is something that HE is going to have to do.

Think out of the box. I don't know where you live. Is there are large college/university around? If it is big and prestigious enough and not some diploma mill, call up or email the psychology dept. and see if they can't at least point you in the right direction. While they probably can't (or won't) personally help you, they might say something like, "Dr. so-and-so knows about this stuff" or "There is a program in_______" or "I can't help you, but I know who might know someone who can..." you get the picture. I've done things like that myself.

Do a web search for sex addict groups. I KNOW FOR A FACT that they are scattered here and there, just like ALANON.

Please keep us updated.

We are going to try marriage builders. We figure it cant hurt. Our weekend went alright. We did lots of talking about everything (which is something we rarely do). He is being very nice to me and says he is trying very hard.

Our first intake marriage counceling apt is Wednesday evening. I am hopeing we can get some answers then. I definatly think he needs to find an addiction specialist for himself. The lady we are seeing Wednesday is qualified in relationship issues etc, just not sure how well she is with addictions. Guess we will find out then.

As for me.....I feel kind of numb. Everyday is different. Life just continues to go on no matter whats happening in our relationship so its hard to spend too much time "thinking". We have 3 kids so we are always running around and stuff. I am trying to take each day one day at a time and really not think much further.

I think my main goal in counceling is to heal myself and get myself so I am not such a codepenent/coaddict and see where that takes me. It seems as though I am great at knowing what everyone else needs or wants, just not myself.

Also OM hasnt called me since I told him no more on 7th. It's been wierd not talking to him anymore (we had an EA after dh pushed me to have sex with other men). Anyways, my dh asked me to please turn to my "girl" friends right now if he isnt meeting my emotional needs. he said he will try and is trying but if I am feeling like I need more to please turn to them until he can get it right.

We still have our other issues of him putting me down and using me as his jokes. he did a little better this weekend, but we have pretty much quit having or going to many social events with friends right now until we can get a little stronger. Thats hard for me because I am very social and enjoy having get togethers/BBQ's etc on weekends. It seemed strange this weekend to have it so quiet. I am sure dh and I need the alone time right noww though so.........?

Anyways, I will try and update more as more changes. I am sure after our counceling apt on wednesday I will have more to say.

Hurting inside for many reasons,
J

more from me..................sigh. Everyday is so up and down. I am getting tired and frustrated! All weekend long dh was being very remorseful and loving....almost too much. Now this week he seems to have pulled away. he seems irritable about having to do anything for us (me or kids). Right now my little guy is sick and he refused to go to store to get stuff we needed. He said HE IS TIRED and went to bed leaving me to take care of our older 2. I was up all night with my sick 4 year old too.He just seems selfish. So this morning I had to wake my 13 year old early to go to store for me on his bike before school.

Also every year we go see my family across the state over memorial weekend. It takes aprox 5 hours to get there. Dh says he doesnt want to go this year. He says for the last couple years he hasnt had fun and doesnt feel like he fits in. He says its boring. This hurts me because I get to go see my family ONE time per year and he cant go? I just feel like he is being very selfish lately and it almost feels like he is trying to "pay me back" or "teach me a lesson" or something.

He blames me for what happened and well although I take responsibilty for my actions/choices I feel that I wouldnt have even gone in that direction if it werent for him. I guess in a way I blame him too. Tonight is our first marriage counceling apt and I couldnt be happier that its tonight. I need to vent and get some of this off my chest before I explode. I am just so angry right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J

JS & RM:

Just a hint. Marriage Builders CAN NOT help you if you are addicted to something. Dr. Harley is very specific in this. IF you have a real addiction, then that has to be addressed BEFORE true MB concepts can be applied. You CAN learn of the concepts, but they are wasted on someone in an addiction.

I jokingly asked a TRAINED Addictions counsler "The addiction I would want is a sexual addiction..."

He said: "No, you don't. The very nature of an addiction is that one keeps doing it over and over again, trying to get the same feeling they had the first time, but are unable to succed in that. And then the addiction become painful."

I just said "WOW"

JS: Was your WH (YES, WAYWARD HUSBAND) diagnosed with a sexual Addiction? reading your posts, I sense that the MC you were using suggested it. But he was not diagnosed with it.

I thought I had one. But I was wrong. Really. Kinky is one thing, ADDICTION is another.

How was your SF with your husband for the duration of your M? Would you describe it as a:

Quick rise and then a fall off through the M?
A steadily building, growing stronger and better through the M.
Lots of Ups and Downs? Lots of SF followed by periods of limited or no SF?
Just here and there, not really hot and exciting? Duty Sex?

H's can persue fulfillment of thier desires through porn. (so can W's, that ain't happening here, however)

But it truly distracts the H from the natural desire they should have for thier W. Because they are getting that emotional need, SF, filled elsewhere.

Thier sex drive may be signoficantly higher than the W. Nothing wrong with that, but if the W is dissatisfied with her Marital Relationship, she in turn will withhold SF, or at least, not truly participate.

Nasty circle that one. Not saying this dynamic exists in your M, but parts of it might.

I reviewed the porn sites, never truly bought in, because I am cheap, but I could get enough from just the welcome and intro screens. And sometimes stumble into something very explicit without controls...

Your H did join, including dating sites and other areas. And thats different.

And that's why I describe your H as Wayward. Because, if he isn't in an Affair right now. He was recently. And not wanting to go 5 hours away, for the W/E? Means he has plans with the OP.

Don't know much about "cuckolding", will review some info on it, but your WH is using the events that did transpire, to say that it's all your fault. I could believe this, if your H was minding his own store, but he wasn't. He opened a storefront. And when someone sampled his merchandise, (YOU), it validated his behaviors. Because "look what you did" But he's not telling you everything he DID/DOES.

So, I recommend Radical Honesty and a whole lot of Openness. Because WH seems to be hiding alot.

JMVO.

Maybe I will wait to purchase the home study course then. The addiction part is whats overpowering everything!

Yes my dh said he never got attention love or afection from his parents. Then when he discovered masterbation (sorry for being so graphic) that he was addicted to it and soon was ito magazines and toys etc, by 14 years old. He has repeated this in our marraige so many times that I hate to even leave him alone for 15 minutes sometimes because I feel like he is going to go off and do that.

My WH was not offically diagnosed with sexual addiction, but the councelor said more than likely thats what it was and tried to give WH different ways to cope with stress etc.

Describing SF (I am assuming thats our sexlife...right?) I'd say its between Quick rise and then a fall off through the M? and ust here and there, not really hot and exciting? Duty Sex?
It seemed like he would intoduce me to something I felt was really kinky. I would have a hard time with it, but after awhile I would eventually give in, and it would be a part of our sex life. Then something a little stronger in the kinky dept would be intoduced and the pattern would go on and on until we are where we are.

I do feel like him not wanting to come with us over the weekend is his way of satisfiing some sexual desire. Probably with himself, but it still upsets me because that has gotten between our marriage forever! There have been many times when he did masterbate/watch porn at the most insensative times. While I was in hospital emergency room with gallbladder attack. I happened to find the video tape in VCR the next morning - OOPS! When I was 5 hours away comfortinmg my mother after stepdad passed away - dh rented videos and recorded them for future use....again I found them. This all sits inside me still. I think about how insensative those times were and others and its gut wrenching!

I agree that he hasnt told me everything he has done or does and as much as he thinks I have been dishonest (because I kept the EA from him) he is also being dishonest. I can just feel it. There is more there. I dont know where to turn for help with this. I feel so alone and sad. My dh is raking me through the coals over the EA I had. he said "I I told you that you could have SEX only and not get attached". Well I kissed, didnt have sex and we emotioanlly attached through phone conversation. My dh said well once you gave it too him he would have left you anyways...............isnt that nice.

I am just feeling awful right now.........hopeless.

J

JS:

SF= Sexual Fulfillment The term used by Dr.Harley to describe sex between H & W.

Can mean the entire sexual repetoire.

You have Affection as well. Is, or was, your Husband Affectiate to you? Did he tell you ILY, touch you? give you hugs?

Your H may have been abused sexually as a child. I'm no expert. But some of the behaviors he is exhibiting can come from youth sexual abuse. (Just a thought)

From your description he may have a SA (Sexual Addiction) And for this, he will need professional help.

Or, he just needs to get a hobby. Besides mastrabating or porn.

You say that he has pushed your sexual boundaries?

How would you have described your sexual persona when you got married?

Where you:

1. Well aware of sex and methods?
2. Rather Naive and without much knowledge of kinky stuff
3. Not willing to try kinky stuff?

Because from your description, how your H pushed your sexual boundaries, is a reflection of his porn fetish.

He watchs something on TV,Video,Tape, etc and gets excited.

Asks if you would do that.

You refuse, he asks again and again, and you eventually give in.

And then he sees something more graphic, or kinkier, and he asks you to do that as well.

Your H is engaging in some forms of physcological and sexual abuse against you.

There are women, and men, in porn that are doing the most horrible things to one another.

And porn addicts keep climbing that ladder to the more explicit, ruder stuff, and expect someone, (YOU) to do the same things that they have seen on the screen.

And that can be healthly, sex can be very fun, and kinky, but you should do it willingly and with your full informed consent.

Meaning, you are not Drunk, Forced, or Pressured into doing something you are not comfortable with.

Your husband wants you to try "cuckholding" Ok, Fine. Your really not interested.

But he keeps insisting. And that is where is becomes abuse. It's your body, not his.

To encourage to perform with a brother in law, or a friend, is serious abuse. Because then he has shared you with people that you know.

You could agree to this, go find someone together that is completly unattached to you and have a "cuckhold" experience. Not recommended. But at least, then there would be no "emotional attachment"

Which is what he finds so offensive now.

No matter, he is crossing your sexual boundaries. HE may not understand what these boundaries are, his may have been stripped away by someone else in his youth.

Sex Addict? Perhaps. But certainly an abuser.

What was the rest of your M like?

You describe it as rocky. Not an unusual term around here.

Give us some more info. How you met. Courtship, kids ages, your financial position, your ages, how is your R with in-laws, and his R with your parents. How many outside friends do you have, does Husband have good friends?

Answering some of the above helps us to determine what is going in your M a little better.

Obviously, many issues in your sexual R. Now, lets find out a little more about the rest.

LG

Thanks for the help with the initials/accronyms....?

H is verrrrry affectionate towards me but not in the usual way. Instead of kissing me goodbye, he will grab my "private areas" instead. I have asked him over and over to please address me the person and not just my "private areas" - of course I am completely detailed in what I mean (trying not to be too graphic on here). I rarely get hugs, a hand on my knee, hand holding without some sort of sex grope or sex talk.



My sexual persona when we got married was:
Rather Naive and without much knowledge of kinky stuff
So he would intoduce me to things (light things). My jaw would be dropped for awhile, but after weeks or months or years of the pressure I have given in. Some I am still somewhat uncofortable with but do it because I know he likes it.

For a very long time I barely drank. H would be so annoyed with me and put me down in front of others because he said I was prude. he always wants to get me drunk. You can imagine why. I have done many sexual things that I normally wouldnt have while drunk.

Yes before I did anything with his brother he talked to me about it during our sexual relations. He would say "your thinking about him doing _______ or _____" and "I know you want him to F*** you and its okay if you want this". he would say this over and over and over again for months (like over 6-8 months) until I eventually did.

I was so scared to tell him about it for fear he'd leave me but I cant lie worth a darn so he got it out of me. He was upset at first but then got excited about it afterwards so he actually encouraged me to seduce his brother again the next night while he watched (secretly of course). After I was done he was very turned on and I would have sex with my husband. I cant tell you how much I felt like a horror and it disgusts me to look back. Of course I was pretty plastered drunk before I ever did it with his brother. For months afterwrsd H would call me and ask if brother was here. Id say yes. he would say "put kids to bed and I will work OT. You f*** him and call me to come home when your done". This went on for awhile until I started having feelings for his brother who by the way was unaware that H knew about us.

So when I eventualloy met OM, I went for a couple drinks with a friend. H always said "be sure and get laid". It would make me sick! I started talking to this man whom I ended up telling him what my H was asking me to do. I gave him my phone number. He called me the following week and we talked. he was mortified that H could treat me so badly and it just went from there.
we met cruising at 19 years old, moved in together shortly after and were married at 21. He started hiding porn magazines before we even got married. This continued forever on and off. I got real good at snooping. I always found stuff. Then it escaladed to internet porn, which everytime I would find out I would cry, feel hurt, betrayed etc, but somehow he would convince me it was normal but he would stop. He was fired from his job for sexual harrassment when our first son was a baby. Since then has had some other issues with women and sexual language etc .

All our friends our friends that were my friends and we got together as couples. He has only had oe friend since I have known him. Does nothing with guys and never has. he gets jealous whenever I talk on phone, go out or whatever with my friends. I dont care much for his parents but have never led them to believe so. I am respectful and kind and always welcome them into our home. He has a horrible relationship with my mom because he has made her cry so many times by his disrespect.Everyone who knows him, accepts his rude behavior by saying "well thats just him I guess". Our friends husbands complain to them after we all get together about the way H was. He is even sexually inappropriate with others at times. Example of what he's done to me: Grab my hair, shove my head in his crotch and say SUCK IT B****!" then laughs it off as a joke, while everyone is standing there stunned!

We have 3 kids and everytime we have one he gets very distant and says he feels ignored. It has almost seperated us with each child. After our last he got a vasectomy because4 he felt our marriage couldnt take another child. Although he completely wanted to have each one at the time.

Pretty much all contact and communication Iget from him seems sexual too me and not sincere. He knows I feel this way. I feel like we lose friends because of his social inappropriatness and friends and family have told me how they dont appreciate his rude behavior towards them or me and it makes them uncomfortable. H says he doesnt know any better that he is trying and cant change his behavior overnight!

Now he is trying to say I am a love addict since he is a sexual addict. Its as if we have to compete/compare/blame/ and somebody alwy6s has to be right....usually him

Hope this helps for now.
j

JA:

OMG.

OMG.

Please find the Sexual Addictions Anonomous (SP?) web site.

Fired for sexual Harrassment?
Inappropriate sexual behavior around other Women with you present and thier Husbands?

Never affection, only sexual groping?

OMG.

There is something wrong with your H.

If he was a drinker, you could get in touch with Al-Anon. The group for spouses of alcoholics.

There is a similar, but smaller group for sexual addicts. You may be married to one.

I'm not a trained person in this.....

But you need to consult with someone who can properly discuss with you what is going on.

You need to get stronger to shield yourself from his abusive behaviors.

ANd for that you need a support net that is strong and aware of the circumstances.

Can your Husband Change? Overnight?

You betcha. If he understands the consequences of not changing. (He might not understand consequences, IE, the job loss/loss of friends.

You state that he only has One friend. Describe that relationship...

I'm glad your here. You might get some help. Your H might see what he has become, and start to change as well.

You have slipped far down a slope, that your H just seems to keep putting grease on. You need to stop sliding.

And that will not make him happy.

Ok. Have you read the basic concepts?
Have you read the information on His Needs, Her Needs?
Order that book, it can help alot.

The full home study course? Not yet. We need to address some of H sexual issues first.

But you can start on parts of it.

LG

update: We saw a councelor last night and he does need to see a sexual addiction therapist. Our marriage councelor said what he did was a form of abuse. He is hopefully going to start counceling asap and we will begin seeing the councelor we saw last night as soon as our insurance kicks in.

I am not sure how I feel right now, numb, confused and very foggy. I do have a sense of relief as well. I need to figure out how to heal myself and try and get an idea of what it is I want/need.

H seems to be shocked. I do feel bad for him in a way, but right now I am such a confused mess that I really need to concentrate on getting myself through each day.

As far as him going with me and kids next weekend to my moms, well I want him to go because I am not used to doing things alone, but somehow I feel like maybe it would be better at this point to let him stay home and me go. Maybe I can somehow clear my mind or something. I feel like I need time to let it all soak in, and I think he may too.

I somehow wonder if us seperating for awhile would help. Possibly still doing things together with the kids on weekends or whatever, but him sleeping somewhere else and us seeing less of each other. Right now it feels very awkward. I do love him and do care about him and feel sorry for him because of it.

I dont know exactly where this will take us, what roads we will go down or what kind of boxes will end up opening. I am scared to see what happens but I know I cant keep living the way I have.I just cant. I have hit rock bottom completely! I am considering going back to church to see if that will help me somehow. H believes in evolution and doubts the bible, so thats another thing we differ on.

I will post more later.
J

I agree with LG about you (as a copule) being far down the slippery slope.

Your H can change IF HE WANTS TO CHANGE.

If he does not want to change, I suspect he will give lip service to change, but then place more and more blame on you, and continue to put you down, and hide his behavior if he can get away with it. You will know soon enough which it will be.

You mentioned separating for a while. I think it would be good for you, and give you peace you haven't seen for quite a while, but I am not sure if it would be good for the marriage. I am afraid you would realize you didn't want to reconcile, and it would be all over.

What does your MC say about it?

I understand why you would be numb, confused, and foggy. You have endured too much for too long. I believe you would recover more quickly on your own without him around. Speaking of you personally, not your marriage.

Going to church should help. God can do things for us that we cannot do for our selves. Healing is one of these things. I encourage you to pray also. There is help there - and this is from personal experience, not from reading about it.

May God bless you to find your way to the happiness you seek.

SS

Just letting you know that I'm still around watching and reading. Hang in there.