My story may be quite different from yours. I moved to Peru to be an English teacher and ever since I arrived I have been on the most-wanted list. Girls drool over me on the street (a far cry from what I had in the USA) and I took advantage of it by the carload. Eventually one of them got pregnant and I decided to marry her.

There were a lot of reasons, but most importantly was because I really needed papers here in Peru. She's a really nice gal, too, and a good mother. It was never about love for me.

We've just had our one year anniversary and I must tell you that she seems pretty happy and I'm pretty unhappy. I enjoy our time in bed, but I don't feel sexually satisfied. I am a great lover and give her a good performance and she praises me afterwards like, "Oh my God, you keep getting better and better..." and I enjoy the appreciation, but even if I got off I usually find myself the following morning feeling a bit horny and my instinct is more to jack off than to seek her out. Additionally in bed she's got this domination fantasy that doesn't do much for me. If I'm going to fantasize, I'd rather imagine her and another girl going lezzy (typical American male fantasy, I suppose). Sometimes, late at night, I'll just reach over and rub her until she gets off. She enjoys it (although I think she'd prefer lots of foreplay). What I really want is for her to do that for me. Sometimes I'm just tired after work and just want to get off without going through all the trouble of making love. She can't really get me off, though, her arm gets tired and she doesn't go down on me (she has canker sores, so I do understand).

I love the attention the girls give me, but my wife is super jealous. Why can't I just enjoy the fact that some 18-year-old girl thinks I'm rich, exotic and handsome (even if it isn't true) and the perfect mate? Sometimes when I'm feeling depressed I go to the poorer areas of town because I know when I walk through that the sales assistants will stop what they're doing and whistle at me and blow me kisses. I guess I really need that external reassurance that I've still got it.

She always asks me if I love her and I always assure her that I do. I always kiss her good-bye before leaving for work (and our son). We may talk for a minute after that and then she wants another good-bye kiss. Then maybe we walk to the door again and she wants another good-bye kiss. I think she needs a lot more affection than I'm giving her, but when I am late and need to go it just isn't the time.

Since I was prepared to divorce after a few years and all my paperwork was done, it isn't the end of the world if we divorce but that will be kind of sad for my son and if it could be made to work that wouldn't be a bad thing.

I also have this other girl chasing me. She's married, too, got married to her boyfriend when she got pregnant. She often sends me text messages asking me to come to where she is so we can hang out. I remember finding her very attractive when we first met (and I chased her younger sister for months and months to no avail) so I went and saw her again hoping for sex, but she wasn't as attractive as she used to be (she had a baby y'know, and cut her hair) and she more wanted conversation and compliments than a hit-and-run hook-up. Anyway, an affair would be very bad for me because now that I'm married I've returned to my religion and I really don't need adultery.

Additionally, my wife and I are suffering financially. She doesn't work because she's taking care of the kids. I can't get any credit because I'm not legalized, yet, and she doesn't go get credit on her own account. I wish she were more independent. I've paid to put her into manicure school and she's getting great grades and the teachers are encouraging the students (now that they know how to do manicures) to start making money. They've moved on to the pedicure phase of the class, but my wife still hasn't done even one manicure. I wish she would help the family financially at least until I can get my 'green card' and get a better paying job.

I read the basic concepts of the site and started being brutally honest with her yesterday and the only thing that really happened was she got offended and locked herself in our bedroom. Maybe it was for the best because the real reason she was offended was because I hadn't told her that I was attracted to the bakery girl and I've been buying bread there exclusively for longer than we've been married. It might have been the feeling of being deceived that made her upset.

Oh, and her cousin just broke up with her husband and I could sense that she was feeling me out for if it would be possible to hook up with me. I was interested, but my wife sensed the vibe, too, and will obviously be on her guard. I'm too busy trying to make money to have enough time to have a second life and my wife knows where I'm at all the time anyway so it would be completely impossible to have a relationship (and anyway, with a family member?! It would surely haunt me for years to come).

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and my wife only speaks Spanish so there are communication issues. I wish I spoke Spanish more fluently. There are no classes here in Peru and I don't have enough time or money anyway.

You need to have your narcissism excised(and perhaps other parts). Then when that is accomplished ,come back for a serious discussion on how to save a marriage.

I don't know what to say!!! other than are you for real?

If you have truly returned to your religion and don't believe in adultery, you have just described being adulterous each time in your post when you were lusting after women who aren't your wife.

Cymanca, you ROCK!!

Feral,

Welcome to MB. Your details are a bit blunt and graphic but well.... you've asked questions so we will try to help you.

1. Marriage is a commitment regardless of your status or place of residence.

2. Sex is not all there is to an M.

3. You now have the responsibility of a W and child. Honor it.

4. You need to refocus and place your priorities to ensure a happy future. It may not contain wealth but you and your family can be happy.

Please go on-line and order the book: His Needs/Her Needs.

This will teach you to communicate better with your W.

Stay away from all those horny women who think you are their meal ticket to the gold country. If you are an easily had man, you will not be respected by anyone. Remember that.

JMHO,
L.

Feral,
Actually, I do know what to say, I am convinced you will be very succesful in marriage.

I'm thinking along the lines of at least 5 or 6 six of them, before your done!

Good Luck,
J

Thank you for your positive input (insert sarcasm here). I had thought that merely by finding this forum and having taken the time to read all about the doctor's radical honesty approach, etc. would have shown that I was at least willing to give it ye ol' college try. Apparently I am too narcissistic to bother with thinking about making the marriage a success least of all trying to make the next two years (because that's the minimum amount of time my wife and I are going to be together) as pleasant as possible.

I'd like to terminate with a quote from Dr. Harley:
"I'm in the business of trying to save all marriages, not just average marriages..." (see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html)

I had thought, based on the above, that Dr. Harley (obviously a busy man) would want my marriage saved. Since he is unable to help me and I'm not in a position to pay him, I had thought that likeminded people might be found on this site.

I have obviously erred.

Now for the only serious response I received, Orchid: Thank you for recommending the book. I'll see what I can do to pick it up.

I agree with a previous post..you may be fighting narcissistic personality disorder

Narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder in which a person has a grandiose self-importance, preoccupation with fantasies or unlimited success, a driven desire for attention and admiration, an intolerance of critisism, and disturbed self-centered interpersonal relations. They are often referred to as being conceited. They generally have a low self-esteem as well. They act selfish interpersonally, with a sense of entitlement.

I would seek a counselor if I were you. If you are unable to financially afford it. Go online and find as much material about this disorder and pray.

And remember: You are loved of God. You are valuable in His eyes. He calls You His own. He is the only One who can truly save you from yourself. He will NEVER reject you or call you worthless. He LOVES you.

Feral wrote:
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Girls drool over me on the street (a far cry from what I had in the USA)
================================================

I believe you. This is a well known phenomenon with American males in third world countries, that would otherwise have difficulty finding a mate in the US.

The problem is that you believe what you are being fed, stud.

It isn't real, and neither are most of the reactions you are getting.

If you want to have a good marriage. Get a real idea of what and who you are, not low self esteem, but not some bloated version either, and get with the program.

As long as you are thinking like you are, your marriage has little hope.

Read this part only If you are a troll - your parts are going to rot off in your hand.

Gimble

Feral,

You realize you came here and posted with the trailings of a WS? Well you did. Still I could detect there was more to your story.

So forgive our somewhat brash responses. There is a lot of hurt here. Your W w/b hurt if she knew how you really felt.

Now if you really want genuine good help, go read the books and come back to post.

I know we can help, but only if you let us.

take care,
L.

Thank you for the more serious responses. I'm not narcisstic, but some psychologists have told me they think I'm a sex addict. They even put me on Paxil to try to remove my sex drive for awhile.

Yes, I am quite hot stuff here in Peru and I am not worth a second look in Los Angeles (Hollywood) where I was born. I, of course, realize that these women think I'm exotic, rich, handsome, and a one-way ticket to a better life living in America. Unfortunately for them, however, I'm not going back to the USA and I'm so poor I don't even own a refrigerator or stove.

Thank you, Orchid, for your response, but I don't know what a WS is. I assume that W means wife and yes, I'm sure she WOULD be hurt if I told her the truth, which is why I balk at the RADICAL HONESTY premise. Would telling her that I only married her because she was pregnant and I needed to get legal REALLY improve my marriage on a long-term basis?

NO, making a commitment, understanding what a vow or covenant is and DECIDING to build a marriage with your spouse using proven techniques will IMPROVE your marriage.
Love is a verb, a choice, and marriage is an expression of commitment and loyalty. If you have personal problems (sex addiction, other) there are people that can help you.

sniff sniff - I smell a troll! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

you could be right but i don't think we should make that judgement call so quick, do you??

i see someone who needs to do some serious maturing.

Feral, you may have done just what you are saying, married only because she was pregnant and to become legal...

if so, are you proud of that decision now?

and the question is, what are you going to do about it now?

you made this bed and this family. are you going to abandon it? or are you going to start accepting the responsiblity that came when you decided to marry?

you have some serious soul searching to do.

what kind of person do you want to be?

I don't think there's a troll here. Rather a very confused WS in the making. Let's stop the Ws transformation before the mothership completes their morph process. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Feral,

Here's the link to the MB acronyms: MB acronyms

As for the RH 'premise' that is what you must work towards. Make it one of your goals. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If you don't get a handle on this now, you may find later down the line that you do love her and her love for you may wain. Then the tables will be turned.

You have the advantage now to make your M a good one.

Love isn't about all the hormonal feelings..... it is about life long commitments and doing things together and for each other. Love is an action which requires sharing good things.

Each of you should look for the inner beauty that makes you attractive to each other. No surface attraction. This stuff goes deep and it is only at that level that true love can be experienced.

To quote a famous scripture: "Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own intersts, does not become provoked. It does nto keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

To bear, believe, hope and endure 'all things' is about all the good things, not the bad. Love succeeds where logic fails. Love endures when there is no hope. Love believes even when all others appear to abandon you. Love bears the brunt of the truth and helps us accept it.

I could go on but I think you get the point.

Use this time to reflect on you, your responsibilities and your family. You can and will find love already there, waiting for you.

take care,
L.