Found out WH is having A with a colleague attched to their office in a neighbouring country. Our 20th wedding anniversary will be in June. We have 3 children aged 19, 16, and 13.
Since I found out and he has admitted, we have not been in talking terms for last 2 weeks. He blames me for the problem in our M.
We works out of town, comes back weekends but did not come home last weekend. I know he was with OW then.
I don't want to throw this M away and still love him. He is coming home this weekend. What do I say/do? Give him the ultimatum, Me or Her?? Do I question him about the weekend or be nice and affectionate? I would like to have intimacy to maintain the relation whilst I work towards PlanA but I cannot forget about A and OW. Help!!!!

Hello SadButNotOut,

Sorry to hear that you are suffering the same as I am.

You really need to read everything on this site and get a copy of Surviving An Affair. It will help you understand what's going on in your WH's head to give you context and give you a way to behave. It will also give you specific things to do and focus on. Specifically avoiding 'Love Busters' and trying to get agreement to no contact between your H and the lover. Both of these are well described on this site too.

You won't have intimacy until some time after he agrees to no contact and follows through. When he does, he will be in withdrawal and likely to be angry toward you because of it. I'm getting that right now. My WS even uses the same language as the book to describe how she is feeling.

I've found it helpful to re-read the parts of the book relevant to the particular stage you are at. The first time I read it, it was a revelation but I missed many of the important messages. You can always come back here for more help later.

Good luck!