My H does not want or like talking about R stuff, especially way in the past R stuff.

well that's because really there is no point...
no one can change a thing that was in the past...
we can only work on the present...

I tried once to talk to and apologize for things I have done or said in the past and I was told it wasn't important any longer and just drop it.

why do you need to talk about it...why not just take full responsibility and speak your apology...lay it at his feet like a gift...and don't TALK about it....

just say...
you know it was really crappy of me to blah blah blah when you blah blah blah....and then kiss him and walk away...

drop the talk....

We have talked about it, but when I told him how his actions made me feel he completely turned it around on me and said thanks alot for making me feel bad about something I thought was a really great time in our life.

again he speaks the truth to you...
what did you expect him to do with that information long after he could fix or change....
why hurt him like that...because he hurt you....

rubydoo....we get the feelings of intimacy not in our words in a marriage but in our actions...

the more loiving environment we create in action not in long drawn out talks...ESPECIALLY from some men.....will create the bond you seek....

your husband told you he hates his job...
there's nothing to discuss.....
but there's lots of actions...

thank him for working so hard at something he hates to provide for you...

leave him notes on the dash board...wishing him a great day....

DO actions that lighten his burdon of a job he hates...

meet him at the door with a big smoooch and his favorite dinner..

etc
etc
etc...

I think you should seek out the post..

do you want to be right or do you want to be married....

ARK

Hey ark!


I get what you are saying about the past, but he doesn't want to talk about the present either. He sees no problems in our marriage and what I feel is wrong and I expect too much. These are exact words of his.



This is basically what I did. And again, I realize it was in the past and not much I can do about it now but apologize and go on. And although he says it was in the past and not important anymore, he will still bring it up as ways to lash out at me. How do I handle that if I'm not suppose to talk about it and I have already apologized? Should I apologize again? Or in one particular situation, he completely came up with a scenerio that was not true. He thinks I am lying to him about it and I'm not. I have tried to explain it to him, when it happened like 12 years ago and whenever he brings it up but he refuses to believe me. What should I do when he brings it up again in a way to lash out at me?


The reason it was brought up was because I was going to have our 2nd child and I did not want the same thing to happen again. Maybe I should not have related it to what happened the first go around and just stated what I needed from him this time around. Would that have been a better way to handle it?

When the first incidence happened with the birth of our first child, should I have talked about then? Or should I have just kept it to myself. I was very hurt and angry about it, so shouldn't it have been something for us to discuss at that time just not a couple of years later?


Like I stated, that was the first, and only time, he has ever said he hated his job. He has always, and still does, seemed to love his job. His actions seem to say he really likes his job. The way that entire conversation went, it was like he was throwing a temper tantrum because I didn't jump on the band wagon and agree that he should quit his job and pursue something completely new to him and that we had no idea if it would help support our family, or pay for the health insurance his job does supply, which as a young family we really need. I did not shoot it down, I just didn't think we should jump head first in to it. We should build it up. He didn't want to hear that, and completely stopped discussion on that topic. How do I handle a situation like that?


I do this, but I'm sure I could work harder on it.


This is a very good thought for me. Thank you!

LA's talk of resentment yesterday really had me thinking a lot last night. I realize I do have resentment built up and it is affecting how I act towards my H. I am just tired and frustrated of trying to meet his needs but he is not trying to meet mine. I've told him what I need, but he doesn't do it. So I'm getting the impression that was wrong, trying to talk to him about my needs. I shouldn't expect him to meet my needs. I should focus on trying to meet his needs because that is the only thing I can control, myself.

So my question is, how in the world do you have a happy marriage when you are not getting your needs met? When your problems and worries are dismissed? When you aren't feeling loved or cherished?



I'm not trying to be argumentative here. I'm at a complete loss and trying my best to do my best. I'm not trying to be right, I'm just trying to figure this out. I'm trying to figure out how I have handled past situations in a wrong manner so that I can handle future situation in a more productive manner.

Thank you for helping!

FinallyLearningT2H,

Yes, I do think it will/does help. We are just in the infancy stages of communicating this way. I am learning how to back off when the issue has obviously gotten too heated...and to give a drive by of how I felt without needing a big "discussion." This was a hard thing for me to grasp, but I'm finally getting it, and I'm getting it because it works. I've realized the issue/argument doesn't have to be resolved that second...but accepting that it will ultimately be resolved, because we are two mature (ok, mostly) empathetic adults and neither one of us are inherently evil!

This quote of yours...


works pretty well...I've used a slightly different version of it and he is getting the message.

What I'm working on now is letting it go and getting away from the urge to discuss it until the cows come home!

This is supremely great advice. Our last "fiasco" where we didn't talk for 3 days, had a lot to do with him feeling overwhelmed with my need to talk about feelings and analyze and discuss. After we talked over that issue and he agreed to MC, I did go on the feelings "diet." Hey, I was happy to get the MC! The funny thing is, he will bring up things on his own. Not in depth, but drive bys here and there, but they work. We can exchange feelings in a few sentences, no one gets hurt or offended and I LET IT GO. What I realize is that whatever issue is there, will still be there, but letting him handle it in doses, instead of all at once, makes it easier for him to digest. Gives us a better outcome overall.

He got an email from me today, detailing his "Recent Deposits into the Bank of MAZ" which he thought was cute and were little things I bet he thought I didn't notice. I noticed. Decided I should tell him I noticed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Shameless bump because I still need help. Ark, LA, Finallylearning, where are you? I have really thought a lot of what you all said and I so appreciate the time you have taken to help me.



MAZ, I am terrible about this too! I feel like if we don't discuss it in full length and come up with a solution right then and there, nothing will get solved. I have to work on that.

The "I'm feeling" quote you quoted is great. This is something I can certainly use. Thanks!

hi rubydoo and everyone else,

i'm still around. i'm sorry i backed away a bit, to let others talk.

i'm really no expert at all here, i mostly mess up in my own life. i am certainly guilty of over discussing/anaylizing.

right now i have heard about something that is weighing very heavy on my mind. not marriage related although i worry it will be marriage impacting.

my head is swimming a bit. i think i'm going to post about it and get some feedback here today before having any more interactions with my DH about it.

why dont' you go on a no feelings diet for four weeks...

start a journal everytime you feel a feeling that you want to go to your husband about for the first two...

write it down...
don't give it a lot of thought...
just write...

then at the third and fourth week...re-visit the list...

see how many of those feelings

have changed
are different
are fleeting


see how many are

things YOU could do something about
see how many are things are HE could do something about

you need some objectivity here....

you are stuck in

ANALYSIS PARALYSIS....

life is actuall NOT HALF as HARD as YOU RUBDYDOO...are making it...

life and marriage is about celebrating the person you are with daily...

not addding to their burdon...
not creating drama and chaos.....

give it a try....

journal your feelings that you MUST talk about....
and see what you are really seeing as critical right now stuff...
and see what is fleeting drama....to die for as teenage girls see life...

ARK

Ark, I probably confused you when I replied to MAZ about overtalking things too. I should have said I used to do that, I don't now. Not because of some big epiphany but because I stopped sharing my feelings with my H. I have been on that feelings diet for a few months now.

I know I must be frustrating the heck out you, but I honestly am lost here.

I get that I am making things more difficult than they have to be.

So, my problems are just my problems and I shouldn't burden my H with them? Deal with them myself and concentrate on happy positive things with my H?

I just don't understand this. I feel no connection to my H but as parents and friends. Nothing more intimate. I don't desire him. I don't feel cherished by him or special. Of course, I understand these are my feelings and not necessarily the truth, but it's still how I feel.

i hesitate to talk here but i'm with ruby here.

how can the advice of talk less be good advice?

of course i must make life too hard too.

Good morning everyone.

FLT2H please feel free to post here. Advice, experiences, questions are all welcome and very much needed!

I would like some feedback on how I handled a situation this morning. As we were leaving this morning for work, my H made a comment about me to me that I did not like. I said, with just an everyday tone, that I didn't think his comment was very nice. He said he was just joking. Since it was a "joke" about me, I didn't find it funny plus it hurt my feelings. So I said, again in an everyday tone, that it didn't feel like a joke to me but a criticism. He said he was sorry and I said, okay, and kissed him goodbye and told him to have a good day at work.

Was that a good way to handle it?

Also, what do I do with the feelings I do have over this. I'm hurt and a little mad. Even though he says he was just joking, to me it felt like a criticism disguised as a joke. I realize I can not assume that was what he was doing, so what do I do with feeling it anyway?

I know why it got to me because the joke was about something I am very sensitive about and consider a flaw of mine, which he also knows. And now, I wonder what he really thinks about this flaw and me, since he cracked a joke about it.

Just let it go, right, because he did apologize. How do I just let it go?

ruby, sorry your feelings were hurt. i think you handled it well and it was good he apologized.

so now, you forgive him for the "joke" (my husband also does the same thing, "it's just a joke" is something i have heard many times).

i don't think that will not change the sensitivity you have about this flaw you refer to though.

that might be something you need to work thru.

do you want to talk about it?

Thanks FLT2H.

There really is no working through it. It's just something I have to accept because there is no changing it.

It just hurts that he made a "joke" about it, knowing how sensitive I am about it.

It's things like this "joke" that push me further away and don't make me feel safe being vulnerable around him.

Today though, I will focus on letting it go. Just let it go will become my new mantra.

why do you call it a flaw then?

chances are he will "joke" with you again, continue to respond as you did this morning. be consistent. be clear. "your jokes hurt me, is that your intention?"

If a flaw is something that can be corrected, then it isn't a flaw. But it is something I do not like about myself and I am very self-conscious about it.

I think I handled it good this morning. Instead of acting hurt, pouting or shutting down, I just stated what I was feeling and kissed him good bye. Hope that was the right thing.

i think it was the right way to act.

are you feeling better now?

ruby..

are you and your husband spending fifteen hours a week together...

and if no why not

and exactly how much time do you spend a week engaging eachothner in time...

ARK

rubydooo...

at some point you are going to have to decide are you married to a decent guy..or an ogre.....

are you married to guy who is a good man that today said something off the cuff...
OR
are you married to cruel man who said it for no reason...
except to hurt you.....

you've painted a very sketchy picture of a caveman...that grunts little ...and says nothing positive or upbeat ever...

is that correct.....

I have no idea.........

is there mistrust on his or your part
is there an affair...I can't find it in your postings...

how long married exactly
and how many children...

ARK

Hello ark! I'll give you the short version of what got me here, at MB. If there ever is a short version.

I confessed to my H about 1.5 years ago that, I almost had a ONS. It wasn't something I was looking for, but I wasn't being responsible, alcohol was involved, and put myself in a situation I shouldn't have been in. When I realized what was going on, I had either passed out or blacked out, I made the man leave. I tried to talk with my H about it soon after, but I was very depressed, scared, didn't know how to handle it, and like I stated earlier, my H does not like talking about relationship stuff. These aren't excuses, I should have told him asap, but this was my state of mind at the time and I was a mess and on a destructive cycle fueled by self-hate.

I started IC about 6 months into it. I also started reading books and websites, trying to figure all of this out. Almost 2 years after the fact I finally confessed. I didn't know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I knew, if it were me, I would want to know. He told me I should have kept it to myself. We talked about it that night and a few other times, over an 8 month period. The last time he told me not to bring it up anymore, so I haven't.

My H is a very decent man and a good guy. What he said today was off the cuff, but not uncommon. It isn't an everyday thing, but it does occur.

I didn't mean to paint such a negative picture of him, but I can see how I did. I know how to handle the positives, it's the negatives I was looking for help on.

I've said before that we are good parents together, although we do have different parenting styles, and we are good friends. What I feel is missing is that intimacy between an H and W. Once I started looking at myself and our M through IC, etc, I realized that has been missing from the start. I also realize that that has been missing due to both of us, not just him.

So here I am, anxious to work on our M, to make it something really great because I do believe we have something really, really good to build it on, but he isn't interested. He thinks we are fine and I expect too much.

What I do know is that I am not happy how things are and since I can't control him then I need to figure out what I can do to be happy and really enjoy my M and desire my H.



No, we do not spend 15 hours a week. I don't know how we could meet that. We probably spend about 5 hours, just the two of us. The rest of the time is spent with our children, work, working on our house and yard, etc. And to be honest, right now, any time I get alone is like gold. I would rather be by myself, selfish I know, but that's how I feel.

And to be honest, right now, any time I get alone is like gold. I would rather be by myself, selfish I know, but that's how I feel.

RUBY,,,.I am begining to see a pattern....

it really is allll about your feelings........ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

you want marital intimacy...it is not through long talks about relationships and feelings...

it is in our acts that we build intimacy and the environment for it to occur....

look I give little credence to those who say they can't find the time...

you don't FIND the time to be together you CREATE the time...

maintaining the marital relationship is the key corner stone in holding allll the other stuff together.....

you plan it in to each day....

you do it....

because if you want a healthy family you need a healthy relationships..

and relationships take actions NOT words...

It isn't as hard as people think...you do date nights at home after the kids are in bed..
you do early saturday/sunday coffee together...

you rent a movie together....

you act like a puppy dog when they walk through the door after work and slurp your spouse up...
etc etc etc....

whatever it takes....

and quite honestly if you want to fix this feeling thing...
but want to be alone more...

it's not going to get better...

pulling away
and
withdrawaling have never been the route to fixing things....

it is the creating the environment of compainonship that in small moments great deep feelings and emotions are shared.....in the environment created through acts...

not hit and runs of I feel this
or I feel that......

you HAVE to make time for him.....

or else it will be the same .....

ARK

ark, I get what you are saying. Earlier, you said this


And it really hit home for me. I never looked at it that way. So did LA's comments about resentments.

So my problem, I want things to change for the better but I am angry, holding onto resentments, about some of my H's past and present behavior which make me not want to be around him, make myself vulnerable to him, or engage with him.

I need to figure out how to let go of these past resentments and not let his present and future behavior get to me. Which is why I was giving examples of his negative behaviors, negative to me anyway. How do I deal with them so that they don't affect how I feel about him.


The truth is I don't want to do these things because I am angry. I know that isn't right. I know the only person I am in control of is myself, and if I want things to change then I have to change them. My head realizes this, my heart is still holding onto resentments. How do I get my heart to let go so that I can do these things?