Events: Last week I sent him a letter telling him I was l was stepping aside. It was not meant to be a Plan B letter. Tuesday I called him on his cell, did not leave a message and he never called me back. Last night Wednesday, he left a voicemail saying he just saw where I called but was on his way into town (to be with her) and would call me in the next day or two. I sent him a text message "Don't Bother." He called me 3 times last night. The first one asking why the attitude and the second one saying "fine, if that's the way you want it, I won't be calling you anymore." The third one had no message. Today he has called me at my office almost every hour followed by my cell. He may even be calling my home. Never any messages and I haven't been answering. I didn't go thru the whole exposure, my family and his family knows and I don't know about her family but I don't think it will make that much of a difference. What do I do now?

Try to tell her family, Ky is the buckle of the Bible Belt.
They will give her grief. Her cousins will even have a word with her, most likely. If they are church going folks, they won't be accepting of this relationship as told by her.

He just called again. I'm starting to think I should answer because maybe it's something important. But if it were, he would leave a message. This is really hard. Today is our wedding anniversary.

((TWBD)))
My advice would be to stay dark while you figure out what plan you are actually following. Check your other thread!

TWBD, mojodiva is right. Take a breath of air and read through your prior threads. You received some very good thoughts from some of the very best at this forum. Take an honest inventory of where you are and what Plan you are really in. Take notes as you read. Reflect on what you have already been told.

I am sorry about this being your anniversary. I know how that feels. My 26th anniversary was on Tuesday.

((((TWBD))))

I know the suspense is hard but you are holding up well. However, I understand the need to know.

Since you really didn't execute a proper plan B letter, can you send an e-mail? Often that is less painful than a conversation.

I resorted to e-mail with my WS because it took the emotion out of the communication equation.

C/b something like:

WS,

I have been receiving many calls with no messages. Could be something wrong with my voicemail, not sure. Let me know via e-mail if you have a message.

Thanks,
BS.

JMHO,
L.

I did read everything and I have done nothing but think about everything said. I tried to send her mother an email but it came back as no longer being valid. I'm stil too emotional to call. I didn't plan on doing this, I was hurt and angry last night when he called and said he was going into town and will talk to me sometime in the next couple of days. He just called again. He doesn't know how to use a computer. If it were indeed important, he would leave a message. Maybe he got my letter and now that I'm not answering calls, he is starting to think that maybe I'm serious about letting him go. At least I like thinking that. I'm not a strong person; I know if I communicate even once, I will break down. Now that I have gone dark, I have to stick with it. I may have done all the wrong things in the beginning but during the whole time I stayed supportive and loving - He knows how much I love him and everything I am willing to do to start a new relationship with him. Now he needs to know that I am not willing to accept sitting in the back of the bus anymore. I wasn't ready for this but I cant back down now; it will just be giving in again.

You mentioned his mother, right? Do you have her phone number? From what I understand with Plan B, it might be wise to have a conduit between you two for any sort of emergency communication. I think that's the recommendation when kids are involved. Do you have a mutual friend who would be willing to act as a go between? Someone who could call him and say, "TWBD says that you keep trying to call her but she's not getting any vmails. Is there an emergency? She has asked that any communication be for emergencies only and even then, strictly through me."?

His family doesn't want to get involved. He just called again - Office then Cell. I know it's not important because he would have called one of our daughters. I was just trying to convince myself to answer the phone. Now I know that I must not give in. I have taken the first step, gotta keep moving forward.

TWBD, you are doing the right thing, and don't sell yourself short, it takes great strength to even begin to deal with a WS, much less go dark on them.

Keep it dark; you can do it.

But you are today!

He is really trying to kick in the doors here. How many calls in 24 hours? Good Job TWBD!!

He is calling because he believes you will cave in and he needs his fix.

Stay strong TWBD. Go to the Killer Bee thread if you have any questions now. All the Plan B folks check there a lot.

You are doing Great!

Ok, so plan B w/b a safe place for you, right?

If so, then execute a good one and stick to it.

What are your boundaries for this plan B? What communication instructions have you given him?

I realize you don't feel strong enough for a convo with him. He needs to know this in order to give him a start on how to work his way back to you.

L.

No communication instructions - if he really needs to talk to me he can leave a message or call one of our girls and leave a message with them. I told him a couple of months ago that as long as he was seeing her that it hurt to much for me to see him so when I go home once a month he is to be gone and not return until I leave. Here is the letter I wrote to him but I didn't mean for it to be a Plan B letter.

Jim,

I love you, I miss you, but most of all I miss us.

The past 10 months have been the worst I could ever imagine. The possibility of facing life without you in it is just more than I can bear. I cried when the minister said "Till death do you part" because I knew we were forever. I am still in shock that I didn't see our relationship unraveling. As you know I have made a lot of improvements in mysself and in my priorities. I know in my heart that if given the chance, we can have a wonderful new relationship as man and wife. I realize that my past attempts to reconcile have been a one-sided effort. You have told me many times that you are not sure if you want a divorce and as long as you feel that way, you will not be able to choose to join in the effort. However, you did choose to turn away from your vows and be with someon else. Obviously, I have to let you go because coming back has to be something you want to do just like you wanted to do when we got married. We have always been good friends and I want to remain that way for as long as we can. This entire experience has been extremely painful but I am going to make it. I have loved you for so many years and even though you say we didn't have any, I have many great and happy memories to remember. Find what you are looking for Jim and remember I am here for you. I love you no matter what, Bobby

He knows what he will have to do. When he is ready he can leave me a message.

He just called and left a message.
"Don't really have a message.....I know this isn't the happiest day for you......I do remember. Maybe things will work out....I'll talk to you later.....I hope you are alright....don't know what's going on.....I'm sure you are doing whatever.....and I'll talk to you later, bye-bye."

"Maybe things will work out" He's casting his line out to reel me in. I thought I didn't have any more tears left, now my eyes are all puffed up. Why am I crying, why is this hurting?

You are crying because you want him to back up what he is saying, but he isn't. He needs to WANT you. You know that, and, right now, he's losing any control or he's losing the illusion of control.

DO NOT CALL HIM. Don't do it. You are strong. Everytime that phone rings, ask YOURSELF "Do I want my husband of do I want crumbs?" The answer will tell you what to do.

Is this another type of withdrawal? How many days before the panic leaves? He hasn't called since the last - he is either in ...........no, he is calling as I type. I thought he might have gone into town to be with her. He usually does on Thursday nights. Lord give me strength! I haven't watched TV for a long time but I have it on tonight - anything to help me focus on something else.

Yes maam! You have your own withdrawal, or more likely, detachment to get through, and it takes some time. AT first the phone rings and rings, and you hang on for any and every message that they leave. Then you check your email incessantly, waiting to feast on the crumbs, and scraps that are being left for you, old faithful.

Then, and this is when you must trust in the Plans and whatever higher power you pray to, the phone stops ringing. Once this happens, you will go into a panic mode and try anything to contact him, find even the most insignificant EXCUSE to break the silence. That is when you come here.

I don't know if you have ever been a smoker or had to quit something that was addictive, but I liken my withdrawal to what I had with smoking. Initially, I was fighting the horrible cravings, and was actively finding things to take up my time to avoid those cigarrettes. After the nic fits stopped, I was missing my long lost ciggy pal; the one that sat on the couch with me and filled all of my empty time. I had to learn to live life again in the absense of those cig's, and I did.

This is withdrawal and rebuilding/detaching. I'm not posting this to scare you. I'm posting to point out that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. There is serenity and enlightenment. You will get there, but you have to choose to break the addiction that you have to WH right now.

You are doing well, not answering the phone. Start counting your darkness in 15 minute intervals, then hours, then days, then weeks and so on. Reward yourself. Pray.
Be with friends, supporters. Come here for all of those moments that you must fill. Read about relationships.

(((((TWBD)))))

Listen to the others here.
Do not call him or respond.
For someone who doesn't want his wife, he sure is trying to keep her hooked, eh?

Its time he feels the emptiness of his choices.

Put this on the Plan B How Long thread. Meant to put it here.
Been 3 days since last post. He is still calling, I haven't answered the phone. He has left a couple of messages, the last one being "I guess we can consider this as being over, when I get back from NY we can start proceedings." I want to send a text message saying "I love you, as long as you are still with Sarah we have nothing to say to each other." Would this be OK?

It seems he is trying to manipulate you out of Plan B with this comment. He knows you are deathly afraid of loosing him and may be trying to play you on this. Please remain DARK.


This is not Plan B and he already knows this as you stated it before going into Plan B...yes?

If you are in Plan B there should be absolutely NC with your WH. No phone calls, no TM's, no emails...nothing.