Hi folks,

Just sitting her considering something that has been on my mind and heart for some time now. It's pretty much all about Plan A and Plan B. I think in so many cases that I've witnessed here on these forums, is that, in some cases there needs to be a plan B-.

So exactly what do I mean by that? How many times have we witnessed here, the false recoveries after the WS returns home? We find out about continued contact, months after the return of the unfaithful, in spite of their promise of NC.

IMHO, I think, as a BS, we are far too eager to allow a WS back into the marital home, without, having proven themselves worthy to be there! We wonder why the WS choose to return and whether or not it was because the OP dumped them, and they simply have no where else to go. So they have a lightblulb moment, and decide, "my BS still loves me and will take me back in a New York minute. All I need to do is ask, and, at least, I will have a roof over my head again.

Sooooooo, I have a different approach to that. **********DISCLAIMER***********
I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL, AND DO NOT CLAIM WHAT I PROPOSE SHOULD BE ACTED UPON BY ANYONE HERE, ESPECIALLY IF IT IS IN DIRECT CONFLICED WITH ALTERNATIVE ADVISE GIVEN BY THE AUTHOR OF THIS SITE!!

Weesh, Having said that here is the musings of an old man with nothing else to do(LOL).

It is MVHO, that a WS looking to return home, after leaving such, should not be automatic, and a free pass, or a get out of jail free card, that lays upon the table for them. We understand about the boundaries set forth in the PBL. But it is soo easy for a WS whose mind is still wayward, to simply agree to those boundaries, without ever intending to really keep them. It happens here all the time. Reinvented forms of contact raise to the surface all the time, whereupon the BS has to endure yet another Dday. It reaps another tundrent of pain on the BS all over again when they have poured their very life into Plan A. It can destroy any real progress they have made.

So, how about ST's very light grey (as opposed to drk) plan B-. This would occur when the WS calls and asks to come home and reconcile. At this point, IMVHO, the BS should say NO! If you want back in this M and this home, and the love of your children, you will have to EARN IT! I believe you should insist that the WS stay on their own, for perhaps, 2 to 3 months before allowing them back.

During this time, the WS should, if they are sincere, begin to court you and your love, just as they did BEFORE you were married. You didn't march to the altar without ever being courted, did you.? Then why should you be asked to trust your WS, and make your heart vunerable again, without Proof and Verfication. I think this 2 to 3 month cooling off period will speak for itself. Your WS will either persue you, or will look for ways to rekindle the A. You will know very quickly what their intentions are towards you and you can then decide for yourself, whether they are worth it or not. IT WILL PROTECT ALL THE PROGRESS YOU MADE IN PLAN A.

Call me crazy, but, I see merit to this,
JMVHO

All Blessings,
Jerry

Absolutely concur

Thanks for this. My WH moved out of OW's house and into another friends home, so this post was a great reminder to me not to back down from what I need.

I can completely agree with this. Make it clear that they're not YET entitled to move back home and act like everything's all ok. It drives home the point that they've got to make CHANGES...that ACTIONS are required to earn the right back into the home and heart of the BS.

This is an area that isn't clearly spelled out, IMHO. The plan B letter spells out those 'requirements to come home'...but doesn't spell out how to PROVE that they're being done, nor does MB have listed here a game plan for orchestrating that return.

Great post!

One other thing I forgeot to mention. During this "coolin off period" Insist that your WS be thoroughly tested for STD's and HIV.

Dr H insists that SF is prt of the reconcilation that has to take take place. But, nowhere does he mention the possibilty of STD's or HIV. I guess it doesn't somehow neatly fit into his plans.

As one who only found out about my W's betrayal from my doctor, I can tell you it is devastating. Don't be a victim to this! Protect yourself first, God would!!!!

All Blessings, Jerry