First time poster, at my wit's end and trying my level best to find some way to fix this. What you're about to read isn't pretty. There are so many issues, I don't even know how to prioritise which in a long list needs to be dealt with first. It's a huge, nasty jumbled mess and I am very much in need of assistance.

Since I can't tell what is the biggest problem, I'll lay everything out in chronological order. ANY comments will be very much appreciated.


My husband is Navy and in 2005 was set to deploy.I was expecting our sixth child, so the children and I moved to his hometown, with the plan of staying there for the duration of his deployment. Shortly after we settled in, a man broke into our home in the middle of the night and assaulted me. I survived, albeit with PTSD. My husband did not know how to handle any of that. He didn't know how to feel about nightmares, panic attacks, fits of the cold shudders if he startled me. He didn't want to talk about it, unless it was in the context of explaining to me that I ought to "try to understand how it [the assault] made HIM feel". Right around a year and a half ago, I couldn't take it any more and moved out. We didn't speak to each other for several months unless the topic was the children.

While we were separated, I slept with one of my best friends. It was a colossal mistake, we both recognised that, and it ended there. At least, that was the game plan. I became pregnant; my friend announced he was in love with me and wanted to begin a real relationship; I realised that I loved him, but I loved my husband much more. My husband and I spoke in great detail, I told him I was pregnant, and we decided to give it another go. I cut off all contact with my friend.

From that point until last Christmas, everything was pretty hunky-dory on the marriage front. DH apparently still had unresolved rage issues because he began Googling my friend’s name this past Christmas, found his MySpace account and sent him several nasty messages along the lines of “...and don’t ever even THINK about contact my wife again.” My friend sent me an email asking me to please tell DH to stop. DH wanted me to side with him and I didn’t. I told him that the OM had respected my request for no contact, and DH ought to do the same for him and just let there be no contact from anyone. This infuriated DH and there was a big blow-up. Both DH and the OM are Navy, and DH tried to get him brought up on adultery charges. The OM’s command didn’t feel there was sufficient cause being as we were separated at the time and the OM had not tried to maintain contact after my DH and I got back together. This made DH even more angry.

He piled the baby’s and my stuff in the living room, saying he was throwing us out. Then he changed his mind, packed his laptop and work clothes, and drove away in our only vehicle. For three weeks the children and I lived on what money was in our eldest’s piggy bank - $18 (I’m a housewife, I had no outside paycheck to turn to). I wasn’t contacting the OM in any way but my husband refused to accept my calls and told me that if the children had no food then I ought to go prostitute myself to feed them because I was a ****** anyway. We had just received our taxes back, a refund of more than $8000, all of which he kept. My Papa convinced him to come to our youngest daughter’s fifth birthday, but he never showed. Faith was turning six the very next week so he told me and the children to meet him at the store and he would buy her a present but he refused to see her on her birthday. At the store, I cried and begged him to stop, we had no food, he was ignoring his children’s birthdays just to punish me. He decided I had been demeaned enough and said he would come home that night, no promises.

It was not pleasant. He insists that he had every right to starve us into submission, I had slept with someone so nothing he did would ever be as bad as that and was therefore completely acceptable. I was not allowed any access to money and had to ask permission for everything, even to call my family. He would wait until I went to sleep and then he would have sex with me.

In the middle of February the Navy sent him to San Diego for three months. Things had not gotten appreciably better but he did leave the debit card for the bank account so I could pay the bills and buy groceries. Then I got a notice in the mail from the Navy that he had borrowed household goods and not returned them, which he had told me he had taken care of. When I called him about this, he asked what I wanted him to do about it seeing as he was so far away, I ought to just figure out how to fix it myself. I got angry and told him he was being unreliable. He responded by cancelling the debit card so the children and I once again had no money, and told me that this is what I get for getting mad at him, won’t I be sorry when the children and I are living on the streets. I let him know that we didn’t have any money at all, were out of milk and his behaviour was abusive. He hung up and we didn’t hear from him again for a week, when he emailed to say he was sending a money order for $120.

With no money and a late notice for the rent, I went to Navy Relief. They called my husband and he told them that he had paid for everything, and they said that as long as he SAID he was paying for everything and since our budget showed we had plenty left over in his paycheck after the bills were accounted for, then everything was fine even if the family wasn’t actually being allowed to access any of that paycheck. So I contacted his ship command. He began paying the bills again shortly before word finally filtered through channels to his command in San Diego (took several weeks). They told him he was to pay the family’s bills, if not then they would send him to Mast.

DH and I started talking again. I recommended counselling; he got angry for me “accusing him of being mental” and stopped talking to me again except for nasty emails about how everything was my fault and nothing he did was ever wrong, and threatened to stop paying the bills and have us thrown out onto the streets.

After he settled down from that, a few weeks later we tried talking again. During this time, I had a problem with my cell phone and logged onto the provider website. He had set up that password and it occurred to me that most people use the same password for everything. So I used that password on his MySpace account and it worked. There I found he had been exchanging messages with a girl in his hometown for nearly a year. She was telling him over and over again that she loved him, and he told her that he wanted to sleep with her. In his Yahoo email account I found pictures this girl had sent him, nude pictures of herself masturbating for him. In the cell phone provider’s website log of all activity, there were more than three hundred text messages they had sent each other in the past month alone. When I let him know I had found these things, he was furious. Said it was all perfectly okay because he hadn’t told her he loved her in return, hadn’t asked her to send the pictures, she was just a good friend and all friends on MySpace do things like say they love you, say they want to sleep with each other and send each other nude pictures. To punish me for having found the pictures, text messages and MySpace messages, he began calling the utility companies and telling them to shut everything off. He called to gloat which was a lucky break, I had enough warning to call the companies back and tell them to cancel the shut-off orders.

(Nearly at the end, thank you for your patience!)

So that’s where we were about April. Four months of the children and I being held financial hostage; if he thought I was “stepping out of line”, he cut off all money and waited to starve us into submission knowing I had no other funds. Sure, his command might step into the picture and make him stop but then again, they might not and either way it would take weeks to get a hold of them, weeks the children and I would spend without grocery money.

That was when I received an email from the OM. He had been deployed overseas for several months and was coming back to his home port in Florida (we had moved to Virginia, btw, several months before). It would mean a lot to him if I would meet him there and let him finally see his son. I accepted. It was an enormous relief to be where I was safe from DH. He could threaten and stop sending money for food all he wanted, it wouldn’t matter because the OM was delightedly paying for the groceries while we were visiting and the worst DH could do was shut off my cell phone - far cry from shutting off the water and electricity and food, and cutting off his nose to spite his face being as my cell phone was now the only means by which he could talk to his children.

Now that I had removed DH’s ability to manipulate, I had a very long talk with him. DH wanted me to go home. I told him that, yes, I had a very firm request from the OM that the children and I stay in Florida with him and begin a serious relationship but that wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted my husband, whom I loved, and I wanted to go home but I wouldn’t live with the constant threats and abuse. He had to stop his behaviour of the last few months; we would seek out couples counselling and go back to our normal relationship, where we act as partners who talk about their problems and try to resolve them rather than him forcing me to behave exactly as he said lest he make the children suffer. He agreed and I made him promise. I immediately left Florida and the children and I went back home to Virginia. DH and I were on the phone for almost the entire drive.

That was about a month ago and things have been stellar between DH and I. He was still in San Diego but due to come home soon, and we were emailing each other daily to chat. About a week ago, I asked him what the new password was for the bank account. He refused to give it to me, said that as long as I was getting money for the groceries then that was all I needed to know about the family money. I reminded him of our agreement, that we were going to go back to normal and work together, and “normal” for all the years we had been together was me having access to the bank account. He still refused, said the finances were none of my business and stop picking a fight. I told him he had PROMISED and I expected him to keep his word as I had mine. He said it wasn’t going back on his word and it wasn’t refusing to work as partners, he simply felt more comfortable being the only one who had access to money. He added that in his opinion I was trying to wreck the relationship, because if I really wanted to work on our marriage then I would have just been happy that keeping me from the bank account made him happy and dropped the issue, so leave him alone because the answer is no, period, end of discussion. He is now ignoring me, and he’s due to be back home tomorrow.

Good grief. Any ideas, please? (And yes, feel quite free to berate me for what I’ve done, you wouldn’t be saying anything I haven’t already told myself quite firmly and at great length. I’m not looking to be coddled, I just want a way to FIX this.)

Here, I'll kick things off. I've been devouring the threads and the articles on the main site, and my first thought is that the MB method would call for a reaffirmation of no contact via a letter. I read on the threads though where one ought to be careful implementing MB methods when one is unfamiliar with the process because it can make the situation worse, so if someone could confirm?

I have two versions of a no-contact letter I've been working on. The articles on the main aren't overly specific on whether it should be absolutely no contact when the A resulted in a child, or strictly limited to only discussing the child when absolutely required (or maybe the articles were specific and I've missed something obvious by trying to digest too much information at once, if so correct me, please.) Let me know if y'all find either of these suitable.


Dear OM,

I had no business contemplating a relationship with you while married. It was selfish of me and I apologise. It would be best if you were to see that you need to look for a relationship with someone who is available. In that vein, I will no longer be contacting you and I request that you respect this and do likewise. Either way, I will not be answering any phone calls and emails will be deleted unopened.

Dear OM,

I had no business contemplating a relationship with you while married. It was selfish of me and I apologise. It would be best if you were to see that you need to look for a relationship with someone who is available. In that vein, I will no longer be contacting you unless the subject is strictly Alex and I request that you respect this and do likewise. Either way, I will not be answering any phone calls - if you need to discuss Alex then please leave a message and your call will be promptly returned - and emails will be deleted unopened unless the subject header is Alex. If you insist on trying to talk to me about a relationship under the guise of discussing Alex, I will further restrict this to only contacting you with information pertinent to Alex and having my husband screen all return responses.


This is what I've come up with so far as a tentative first to an overall plan for recovery, and I'd like the board's opinions on it. Yes/no/maybe? If the board likes the idea of a reaffirmation of no contact and approves either letter, I plan to send it out to the OM with a copy to DH. After that... no earthly notion what would be a good second step.

I think the OM is most probably the least of your problems.

I suggest calling MB and making an appointment with Steve Harley.

Welcome to MB.

Where is the proof of NC with all the oWs? Does his command know of the nude pixes and other proof?

L.

BigKahuna~
Color me confused. I would have thought that the OM at least ranked right up there as a top concern, and since that is something under my control ought to figure in on what proactive steps I take. Yet you rank the OM as the least of the problems. I could do with clarifying, if you can. Why do you rank the OM as a low priority, and what are you judging is much more important specifically?

Orchid~
There is no proof of NC with the OW. DH maintains that he is completely blameless in all regards to her. No, I have not mentioned it to his command. First off, he would go through the roof for "me getting him into trouble". Second, if the Navy chose to punish him then they would most likely restrict him to the ship and cut his pay in half. He wouldn't be able to see the children, who already haven't seen their father since February, and us being a one-earner family we rely on his pay. It would be counter-productive.

Also! Just thought of this one. If it isn't obvious, we have seven children. For all those wondering why I don't just go get a job, I've been out of the workforce for years and childcare for such a large family is prohibitive. I did get a job back in February, and was in contact with all Navy resources I could get my hands on asking only if someone could find reliable childcare I could afford. They could not, and I eventually had to quit my job because after three weeks of work it wound up costing me more than $100 to work after deducting childcare costs from my pay.

I don't know why you are confused. The OM has pretty much left you alone. Your husband treats you appallingly and controls you. Where is the confusion here?

You had an OC - can't even imagine how hard that would be to deal with.

You need FAR more than an internet board in this situation, hence my recommendation to seek some counselling.

And your H is having an affair as well.

This is a huge mess. Get some professional help please - for your own sake and that of your 7 children.

Well... I guess I had myself psyched for the 2x4s. Aren't I supposed to be all foggy and in need of a few good 2x4s? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> My DH's treatment of me - all the threads (which I have been reading) say he is rollercoastering and in emotional agony, and the WS must be understanding even if the BS acts out inappropriately, because there is enormous pain that the BS is having a hard time coping with. Or something like that.

I dunno. I just assumed from reading the threads that everyone's would harshly or gently take me to task so as to not leave any doubt that there is no excuse for my behaviour, then move on to trying to recover from the effects of my A, then deal with the rest of it as all side-effects of the A and thus brought on by my own actions.

You very probably are foggy and are re-writing marital history somewhat but I still stand by what I said to you OK?

And see, honestly, you do already know there was no excuse so no need to bash you for that.

But if 5% of what you say is true you need some external help.

Your husband does have an OC to deal with and I can't even imagine that.

But you need a professional to guide you through here. This is a horendous situation.

It sounds to me like your Husband has always been controlling. Has he?

I agree with BK that you need to get serious help. The fact that he is punishing your children is unacceptable. For a parent to be able to let his children starve shows there is a major problem here. Seek counseling ASAP!!!



This tells me he is trying to hide something from you. I would at this point seek legal help. Not necessarily for a D, but you need to know your rights and have an advocate on your side to help you get access to these accounts. I know that it is tough because most lawyers need a retainer which you cannot afford, but I would investigate what legal counseling you could receive from the Navy. Even though you do not work, this is YOUR MONEY TOO. The fact that he will quit paying the bills and cut off money for his children to eat is more reason to secure your finances.

If he refuses counseling or to change this behavior, I would recomend seeking a legal separation so you can focus on taking care of the children without the fear of having no food,water, or electric.

Of course I am. Not that I mean to intentionally rewrite history, but we all do to some degree. Perception is everything. That's why there's always three sides to every story: his side, her side and the truth.


Define "controlling". This behaviour is not only new but a 180 degree spin from his normal. I maintained for years that his one and only flaw is that he is too passive. All decision were left to me, when what I wanted was for us to work together. He reasoned that if he made no decisions then nothing would ever be his fault, so refused flat-out to participate in family discussions. Of course, this now meant that he could (and did, and does) freely blame me for everything that has ever gone wrong in the history of ever.

LJ,




While this may be true, none of us BS here condon this type of abuse. Yes, it is difficult to be a BS, but what is he thinking he will accomplish by starving his children and ruining his credit by failing to pay bills etc.

Also, agree that he is also a WS, plain and simple. He may think he is justified because of your infidelity, but again, his infidelity isn't going to help your marriage recover. Your problems are legion here, you both need IC before you contemplate MC. I am in the military so I know that counseling is available. Please get it for the sake of your children.

Who

From personal experience the fact that he waited until you are asleep to have sex with you in sexual abuse...you are not able to fully consent to it.

I recommend that you read up on sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc...

For years, I "seemed" to be in control on the surface, but my STBX was really in control...he was very passive until I started standing up for myself after he confessed to having an A with OW seventeen years older than himself.

I requested NC, cell number change...useless, then he starting throwing things, burning my possessions, tracking me down, coming to my work to argue with me, he started to really scare me...

I visited a women's shelter and started making plans to leave...the day after I gathered the kids and I's clothes he somehow found out that I had filed for D and showed up as my work again...

My boss called the police and informed them that I had filed and there was a restaining order in the works...the kids and I have not been home since, that was a little over two months ago...

STBX had threaten to burn the house down, come to work to tear the doors off...this was not his normal behavior until I standed saying that I would not tolerate him treating the way that he was...

I'm just sharing my experience...I've had to gather my courage and it took almost a year for me to come to terms with what was really happening...

For me, I made a great decision, I haven't felt this good even with the ups and downs of the D, in years!

I accepted the blame daily from my STBX...I understand the feelings that you are having and you are not alone...this is normal for your sitch...

Only you can decide what you need to do for you and your children...just my opinion but you need to think about protecting yourself and your children...starving you guys becasue he wanted to punish YOU...this is not a sane man at this point...

I am SOOOO sorry that you are having to deal with all of this...

Get a lawyer...

Get court ordered automatic withdrawal support
garnish his wages...

this way to far gone to play with six childrens lives...

this is pathetic sick grownup behavior....

the children deserve better...

some things are not fixable until there is plenty of time and space...

seperate to divorce.....
NO DATING ANYONE ..you got six children relying on YOU to be the grownup...not messing with messed up men....

sorry to be so blunt...

but these control issues do not resolve themselves...they are sick and deeply seeded in warped brain processes...

they are unholy in action to deny children basics when the resources are available....

sick sick sick behavior...

quit contact with the OM
quit contact with husband cept through your lawyer...

move in with your parents or some other safe family

ARK

get all legal aide and action in your court...

keep documents and paper trails of everything...

I agree with ark^^...

... and will add...

You are being sexually and emotionally abused. You need therapy for yourself and for your children, who need a healthy, strong mommy.

PLEASE SEE A PROFESSIONAL and DO NOT rely on THIS BOARD for your support. We'll support you as you move forward, for sure, but it should be ALONG WITH -- not -- IN LIEU OF...

Please get HELP!

At the risk of sounding negative and entrenched, I agree with all those ideas but they are much easier said than done.

I have no safe place to go; no family, no friends. We recently moved to a new state. My name is not on the bank account, none of the assets have my name on the title and I do not have a power of attorney. No prospects for a job.

Trust me, I have certainly explored every possible avenue to defuse this financial hostage-taking. No one goes through four months of ****** with their children without trying every possible means of escape (unless they're complete pansied martyrs and I've certainly never been accused of being a pansy.) I've called ombudsmen, the command, Navy Relief, opened a Family Advocacy case with MWR, called Legal, called the chaplains - I called everyone and made a great fuss so they knew I wasn't going away. FA with MWR was real big on me filing an order to compel support but when I asked them they conceeded that it would probably only make him mad, we would not get enough to cover the bills and it would take weeks just to get on the docket even if FA pushed it through as an emergency.

Leaving sounds very logical and simple. When you factor in that I will be putting the children into a situation where I have no chance of providing a place to live, it stops seeming quite so logical.

Neither counselors nor lawyers will take it kindly for me to schedule appointments knowing I have no means by which to pay them. DH agreed to counselling, I have no idea if he plans to keep his word. If he does not keep his word, I can do nothing about that.

That is, essentially, why I am here. I've exhausted all the typical options and they aren't working. I'm down to taking up the OM's offer to move in with him, which I do not find an acceptable option, or staying in my home while DH continues his behaviour, which I do not find an acceptable option, or staying in my home and working to fix what there is that I can fix. I would be DELIGHTED if someone can think of more options than those, or ways by which the last could do some small amount of good.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel, I was in the same sitch...well, almost, when I decided to leave the first place that i went was to the local women's shelve...

They helped me with a plan for us to get out...it was the hardest thing that I have ever done...I was in so much fear...here I am two months into this and it was the best thing I ever did!

I will be here for you...I will support you all the way...the shelve can help you find a place, a job, offer counseling, everything that you and the kids need...

Once I went for a counceling session and they were handing out fresh vegetables...at least pick up the phone and call them...that was my first move...

((((LJ))))

Man... LJPalmer, your story breaks my heart! Mainly because your H is doing so much harm to your children. They did nothing to deserve being "starved out". My God... and this man is in the military??

He basically blamed you for the fact you were attacked. I personally know someone that was attacked like that and it's not something you just get over. It takes years and years of healing. She was lucky to be left alive, so were you!

He sounds awful... I hope you do find a way to get some peace. I wish I had the answer, I'd gladly give it to you. Sure, maybe turning to the OM during the seperation wasn't wise, but it wasn't the end of the world. It doesn't make you a ****** or scum of the earth. If he took you back, he took you back aware that all this had transpired. It's not fair of him to cry foul and treat you and the kids so poorly on a whim.

I think I'm gonna go curl up in a ball and cry... this post really depressed me!

your H is an abusive cad... no doubt about it.

YOU have made matters even worse with your handling of this. If I read your story correctly... you screwed around, got preganant by the OM and then at some point went to stay with the OM with your kids... is this correct?

You and your H are both immature. In all honesty neither of you deserves to have these children if what I have read is true. BOTH of you are being abusive to your family.

All that being said, get professional help immediately. Abuse is not to be tolerated in any form at any time. I can tell you that if I were your H I would be seeking divorce on the grounds of adultery... the OC is the proof. If I were you I would be seeking divorce on the grounds of abuse. Your marriage is a sham at this point and I see nothing in terms of maturity from either of you that will right this ship.

I feel sorry for your children as they did not ask for this.
Do everything you can to protect your children and yourself from further harm. Forget about finances... let the lawyers handle that. Get somewhere safe if this story is accurate.... you need protection.

I can tell you as an ex cop that I would be worried about your safety and the safety of the kids...but even with you, if I read this story correctly, i would be worried about the safety of the kids with either of you. You have also proven yourself to be an unstable parent if you did indeed take your kids to the OM's home. There is NO excuse for this type of behavior. I am about as hard on abusers as possible... but abuse cuts both ways and your behavior is nothing to brag about either.

This is all just a mess.
MEDC

I feel like Apollo, yelling at Rocky "Eye of the Tiger, Woman; Eye of the Tiger!"

Rocky up woman. You are a mother of seven children and you are NOT going to let them starve just because some man wants to hurt them. No way, no how will a real mom let this happen!

First: Call a women and children in crisis shelter. Financial abuse is recognized as spousal abuse. Get food, clothing and shelter away from this obscenity NOW.

Second: Get financial aid to do on-line independent study - get state and federal help to get you a degree and/or a job - something you can do at home - like medical transcription. Many college professors have text books, research papers, dissertations, etc. that they need typing. Do any and all free-lance work you can for them so you can keep a roof over your heads and food and clothing for your children.

Third - get referred to a pro-bono attorney by the shelter. Make sure he's a junk-yard dog attorney since he doesn't want to use them in a responsible way... He will owe his entire paycheck in child support so don't imagine that he wants to push to to a divorce - he does not believe you will do it. DO IT ANYWAY.

Fourth: do not back down; get a sponsor, whatever kind of crowd of support around you - the shelter will help you more than you can imagine.

Remember - Eye of the Tiger, woman. Now. Your first responsibility is your children - not your husband.

P.S. Until he grows up, he is not fit for the marriage builder treatment you could learn to give him here. Learn it, in the event that he does, but don't count on it - he's mental to the 9th degree. Will probably end up getting a dishonorable medical discharge as a result - eventually. So get what you can out of the courts from him now. For the forseeable future, he will not be able to afford to get off the ship!