Id you get fed up with him and file for a legal separation, you can request pendente litum support - or something like that.

The Navy says everything is ok if he SAYS he is paying the bills - they aren't requesting/requiring proof?

LJP,

Have you talked to the JAG at a Navy base near you? The navy does not take kindly to this sort of thing. Further, they may be able to guide you to resources that will allow you make a move that will protect your children.

Is the OM paying any child support? If not he should be. I can think of many possible ways out of this, but I realize that I don't know your situation that well.

I must say, that having been in the military myself, I find you having an affair on your H to be the lowest of low. I find what he has done to his children so disgusting that I really have no comments fit for this board.

What a mess. Please consider seeking some help and guidance from the navy JAG on this.

God Bless,

JL

Ahhh, there are my 2x4s. Now all is right with the world, lol.

Many things to tell you all! It's been a busy weekend.

First, I must clarify that at no point did the children go without food. With such a large family, I am an accomplished manager and shopper. Emilie's birthday wasn't extravagant but there were brownies and a new arts and crafts kit I assembled from school supplies I have stored in the closet when they go on sale. Meals were basic and frugal; the only things the children actually had to live without were fresh fruit, chocolate milk and chips in the school lunches. I didn't eat much, and I had to ask for help from others, but the children were fine. Further, other than my eldest and him for only that three week period in Janurary, I didn't inform the children of what was going on with the finances.

I assume that's part of the reason why DH chose that weapon. He knew my children were my button; I'd do anything to protect them, including starving myself and keeping them from finding out what Daddy was up to, so he was fairly "safe" and still it would inflict the most mental agony on me.

As y'all might have gathered from the other thread, I took LousyGolfer's advice and asked DH to come home from work, sweet as could be. He was home in time for supper. I also had been reading links in, I believe, Longhorn's signature and waited until he forgot his cell phone somewhere and started checking for suspicious activity. That's when I found OW number 2. (You have no idea how hard it was to NOT immediately come here to beg for advice.)

OW2 is a former shipmate of his, she's in the Navy and a family friend for years. I don't know if I did it "right", but despite smiling as hard as I could he demanded to know what was wrong, so I asked him how long he and OW2 had been seeing each other. Oh, I was paranoid, they're just friends. So I quoted text messages at him. He didn't answer, and I dropped the subject and moved on to what would he like for supper tomorrow.

A while later he said we needed to talk. He admitted that he and OW2 had been carrying on. She was only being a good friend, don't you know; she made her offer to let him know that someone in the world still cared about him as a man, and she would never interfere with a relationship. Well, I sez, a woman who offers herself to a man she knows to be married is interfering. Yes or no? He hemmed for a few moments but admitted that, yes, a woman who offers herself to a married man is interfering.

We had a hard talk out on the porch that evening, centered for the large part around his notion that so long as he had not reached my level of adultery then it wasn't really adultery. I told him he was looking for a loophole, and so long as he could excuse his actions then I couldn't trust him to not do it yet a third time. He was setting the bar for "bad" at what I had done, and then reasoning that everything below that was acceptable for him. After a very hard talk, we were both able to agree that wrong is wrong and there is never an excuse, and that we had both behaved abominably.

I had mentioned the two versions of the no-contact letter I had written, and showed both to him after our talk. He liked the idea and approved one version, and then sat down to write two more for his two OW. I watched him send his and he watched me send mine. We've agreed that any further contact from these people will result in informing each other at the soonest possible opportunity. All emails/text messages have been deleted and confirmed by each of us. So today is our official Day One of NC. (Note: must make signature.)

We had another hard talk later, and this one was in regards to his treatment of me. This one was such a very difficult conversation, for both of us. It took hours and we wound up going on two breaks - not angry breaks, just "I need a minute" breaks. I'm not very good at this sort of thing, but I tried to keep physical contact with little touches so he might know that I wasn't calling him a monster but trying to correct a problem together. At the end of it he was able to hear me list the worst incidences of his behavior to me and respond with "I'm sorry" for each of them, individually.

It isn't a fix, but it sounds to me like a decent start.

I ought to add the caveat that, if it hadn't been for a long and happy relationship before all this trouble, I don't think I would be this hopeful. Until what happened in Texas, we had never fought. There was our "yearly disagreement" which still didn't reach the vehemence of an actual fight; it was merely a disagreement. I wouldn't say we were perfect but certainly happier and more compatible than 99% of everyone out there. Remember, six children and never a single fight. If it weren't for that kind of history, I wouldn't begin to imagine that a few talks could even start some sort of recovery. I might be being way too optimistic even WITH that sort of history.

We're not leaving it at just a few talks, either. DH has seen the MB site and approves; we'll be calling for an appointment this week. I'm not sure if he'll want to post to the message boards but I've told him where to find my posts and given him leisure to read them all. And we'll also be taking the EN and LB quizzes to see where it is that we failed each other along the way (I went to the bookstore but they didn't have copies in store; I'll be ordering them tomorrow).

That's all the updates I can think of at the moment. I guess you could say we are on Day Two. Please pray for us if you can.

ETA: Knew I would forget something. I must tell you all how much I am appreciating any comments. Thank you for taking the time to lend your experience and your opinions (and your 2x4s!).

ETA#2: I ought to have made a list, I don't know how I could have forgotten this part. I now also have access to the bank accounts and the family finances will be conducted jointly once again.

So if you are encouraging WH to read your posts, who will you be writing them for? You or him? At this stage of the game, from my POV it is a huge mistake to open this information source to him. I now believe all your posts will be slanted because you know he might be reading. If anyone gives you advice on what to say/do, WH will be way ahead of you.

There does come a time where BS/WS can benefit from reading each other's posts. In your case, now is not that time.

Good news is that you are seeking professional help.

Hmm. So how would be a good way to work this? I don't want to say, "No! Private, you can't read," because we're working on the whole trust thing now. If I rope off a section of my computer and label it utterly confidential, he might reasonably assume I'm woe-is-me'ing about how much I miss the OM, rattling off the OMs stellar qualities, and if we have a disagreement then I'm on MB privately comparing him to the OM and saying how much the poorer he is between the two.

How about this. Since he already knows about MB, I'll ask that he let this board be as private as if it were me talking to a counselor, that I need experienced opinions and support and I have to be able to speak bluntly at times. He knows the board has no patience with WSs, so I'll make sure to remind him if I ever dare mention the OM in a favorable light the entire board will immediately smack me over the head and make with the, "NO! BAD WS! Start over."

Not ideal, perhaps, but I'm having to walk a line between acting as trustworthy as possible and still finding means of outside support.

Well I do tend to be pessimistic. I will confess to that. But if I read your previous posts (don't know if they have since been edited or not) and this last one, you paint two distinctly different pictures of you and WH. I won't go any further than that. Given this new context, I feel you wrote that last post with the thought WH would read it.

This means you are compromised in that you cannot be entirely honest with the kind people on this forum who spend their time and souls trying to help others. Any advice they give you, WH possibly would know all about.

In short, I think you have neutralized what might have been a good resource for you. OTOH, as I said before, you two are way past what this forum can help with.

Anyway, I'll not even be reading your thread any more - much less posting.

I could see where you could get that, yeah. (On the editing: board software puts a little italics "This post edited by LJPalmer" notice if I've edited a post. I edited the last one, you'll see the italics at the bottom plus my ETA [Edited To Add]. No other posts have the notice, and so have not been edited.)

I would say the different feel comes from a different state of mind rather than from a different target audience. All my other posts were written when I was angry, frustrated, highly upset. Right now, I'm pretty chipper. I'm feeling as if for the first time since Christmas, I've really gotten through to DH and we've made some productive steps. At the end of a long tunnel there's now the possibility that we might actually pull through this (OMG!), and my predominant feeling towards DH at the moment are honeymoon warm fuzzies.

I have another browser window open to a link I just found about the emotional stages. Haven't read it thoroughly yet, but I'm pretty certain I haven't even begun for it all to register. In a day or two, or a week, I'll come down from this temporary rose-tinted warm fuzzy of Having Made Progress, and I'll be in shock or angry, I'm quite sure. What with fog and rollercoastering and withdrawals and everything else that's supposed to be going on, I'll probably be all over the map emotionally.

Question: do anti-depressants even that sort of thing out some? I've never taken them but I've read enough to know they're highly recommended here at this stage.

But anyhow, no hard feelings at all if you feel you need to restrict your attentions to other threads. One must be cautious on the internet, all sorts of folks out there and you just can never tell. If you decide to check back in sometime, I will appreciate your pessimism, though. A nice dose of pessimism is always helpful in the face of too much optimism.

FURIOUS FURIOUS FURIOUS. That lying little so-and-so. Ohhhh, and here I've been all perky and chipper because we had made PROGRESS and things were looking good and wasn't I being such an optimistic little moppet. I had been so awful and 07 was just full of consequences coming home to roost that I just had to buck up under, and it was my own darned fault so I ought to make the best of it and really put forth that old college try and now - NOW - we were Getting Somewhere and things were Looking Up and All My Efforts and Remorse and Restitution Paying Off and blahblahblah...

I'm a friggin' moron.

NC? HA. HA HA HA. He didn't last 48 hours. Sent the NC letter to her on Saturday. Deleted all emails and texts, deleted his MySpace accounts, deleted her numbers (and the other OW) from his contact list. Today I dig up her MySpace account and there he is, listed as her top friend. A new account, where she is his only contact and he lists himself as "single" under his status. And this is not an old account he's forgotten about long since (I thought of that, I did, that maybe the little twit just likes to stare romantically at his picture and sigh wistfully about what might have been), no, this is a NEW account and the software registers that he has logged onto this account as recently as today.

Blah. BLAH. I am so MAD and aren't I just an enormous chump.

I'm not asking for advice - at least, I don't think i am but I'm far too worked up to be thinking anyhow - I'm just... I'm yelling. I have to yell somewhere, because if I don't then I'll start yelling in emails directed at him and that is probably right at the top of the list of Things That Will Not Help Right Now. I am so fortunate that he's on duty today and I don't have to face him until tomorrow after he gets off work, because I'm sure I'd be just as incapable of hiding that I know as I was the last time I found out, and the latest discovery would probably involve me wielding something heavy, like a cast iron pot or my big rolling pin. Also probably not helpful (but at the moment an incredibly satisfactory thought).

GRRRRR. I've spent the last hour being as productive as I can. It makes me feel better to DO something about it. First, I called Steve harley to arrange an appointment. Got the voicemail and left a message as directed. Will follow up on that as soon as office hours open tomorrow. OW2 is in the Navy, a former shipmate of my WH who is also in the Navy. I've contacted her command master chief. Got his voicemail as well so i left a message telling him everything, her name, that they're having an affair, that I cnfronted WH and he agreed to stop and asked OW2 to never contact him again and that they are continuing their affair despite this. Gave him my cell and home phone number and said I would greatly appreciate any assistance he could offer me. I am also calling her family in South Carolina. I only know their town and last name, so it's pretty much paging through the phone book and asking everyone if they are the family of *insert name here*. No luck yet and no notion how well the news will be received, but by golly.

Graugh blerch snarl. I don't know whether to cry or throw things. Thank you for letting me screech and howl here. I'm going to go keep calling and take a few deep breaths.

(copied over from other thread on advice of mking)

Truer words have never been said on this website.

I feel this is a situation far removed from the context of this site.

JMHO

LM

LP I suggest that you get your OC's father to pay child support and open a bank account and withdraw a few hundred dollars from your H's bank account and put into your bank account so if he decides to cut you off again you will have money to support your family. He has a lot of issues. You obviously do as well for putting up with this abuse. Even if you guys were not fighting until this happened that doesn't mean he was happy. My H is passive as well but he hlods in things because he is non confrontational until he just lets it all out. It sound as if you both were doing that and not being very O & H with one another. How can you have a relationship like that? The fact that you were attacked means you should seek some counsel and his reaction to your attack means he needs some as well.

I don't know about you but my children make me want to be a better person and it is why I went to IC so I could be the best mother possible. I strongly suggest you seek some sort of IC and possibly FC for your children because with a father like him they will more than benefit from it. Just my .02

With all due respect, I do NOT think the type of counseling this individual needs (and more imprortantly her children will need) is anything that this site's creators ought to be handling.

If I needed a triple bypass, I would NOT be calling a podiatrist in.

This site and it's principles are no doubt excellent and proven, but advising this poster to call Dr Harley to "get a plan" is IMHO ridiculous. This is not about "emotional needs" or "love busters" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


Those 6 children will be paying a hefty price for this dysfunction.

LM

I think I would see an attorney to establish legal support. If your husband is in the military, the attorney will file papers and have him pay for it. Child support will be a tidy sum, and hubby will have it taken out of his pay if he feels like starving anyone out again.

I work for the military, and they have programs to send a wife and family home so that they are not stuck.

You need 2 shed the drama queen outfit. It'll get you nowhere.

I assume your WH is reading this, 2?

-ol' 2long

Ah. I should have taken the news of lying about an ongoing affair with a gentle smile and nothing more. Thank you, that is remarkably helpful.

I understand your pain, but being perky and chipper to a man who thinks it is okay to starve out his family isn't going to do it. Get legal help. The military will help you. If they refuse, see welfare. Someone WILL help.

LJ,

Here are some links that might help you get started in getting some temporary emergency support for your children and yourself.

healthfinder.gov

web page

Food Banks in Virginia

foodbank SE Virginia

aid for military families in Virginia

United Way Assistance Virginia

Social Services Virginia

Food Bank Virginia


NavyWives.com


I don't know anything about what services are available to you through the military but I have read enough posts on this site to know that there is help for military wives.

Also... contact your children's school. Go in immediately and speak to an administrator at your children's school (the principal, the vice principal) they KNOW what kind of services are out there. Schools DO NOT let children starve. Your kids WILL qualify for free or reduced lunch and breakfast. The school will also be able to help set you up with other social service agencies in your county.

Contact any church in your area... churches will HELP. They also know where and how to get services and FOOD for families. You don't have to be a member of a church for them to help you. Charity is part of the work most churches do.

Please start today. Make a list. Get your priorities in order. Food is a priority... a basic need and a RIGHT of all humans.

Shelter is a priority. If you are worried about where you are going to live... find out your options for housing TODAY. Don't wait until you are homeless. You have a choice. Start acting.

Your life is a mess right now...okay. You can't fix it all right NOW. You have to start with the basics... food, shelter, safety.

You have been dependent on your husband to provide for your children and you. He has proven RIGHT NOW that he is unwilling and unreliable RIGHT NOW. It doesn't matter why he isn't providing. It only matters that HE isn't.

Someone posted that you have to "Rocky Up". That person is right. You have to set your priorities in order right now. Your MARRIAGE is NOT a priority right NOW. Food is a priority.

The one thing I will say about your OM (and I know because I once believed this...) he is NOT going to rescue you. It will only be a temporary solution. Wherever YOU go... there you are. The problems that you have with your H... will not end by replacing him with the OM. You will still be YOU no matter what man you are with. My advice... NO man right now. Focus on your kids and you.

I get it... you are devastated about what is going on in your life, your marriage... the choices YOU made... the one's your HUSBAND made. You can't change him. You can change YOU.

Start today. You have 7 children. They are counting on YOU.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with the FIRST step. Take the first step... today.

If you found this website... you are capable of finding other resources as well.

You CAN do this. You are THAT strong. You are a mother of 7... no doubt in my mind you can. Start today.

Flippantly? Yes, you should have. That would have been a "good plan A" response. And frankly, are you surprised that his A is ongoing?

And so, the key is 2 respond in a productive manner, rather than react. Violent reactions 2 bad news are obviously counterproductive, but dramatic displays of emotion and sarcasm are not much more productive, they're just less obvious.

Hard 2 do, granted. But it does get easier with practice.

-ol' 2long

thankyou justjilly..
keeping my fingers crossed she takes a few of your links and "bites"

marriage builders principles do not work on un-acknowledged addiction...

and ABUSE...that is not recognized....but accepted by either or both parties...

ARK