I am 29 years old and my w is 28. We have 2 DD 1 DS ages 11/7/3. We have been married 11 years and like every marriage have had our problems. I had an extremely bad temper and anger issues since about 22 and about 4 months ago took the initiative to do something about it myself. I did not like the person I was becoming and realized I needed to get control of myself for me and my family. A lot of our issues stemmed from this I have never abused my wife physically but I realize my words and anger have hit her sometimes 10x harder than any fist could have. I have always been loving and physical with her that’s part of my personality and have always given her attention.

Roughly 2 ½ to 3 months ago she tells me “She loves me but is not in love with me.” She had told me this in the past and I changed for a little while but we never developed a plan to move past this and I just let the issue go. She also told me that for the past couple of years she has been having sex with me not out of her needs but to satisfy my needs as a husband (man). This was an extreme blow to me as I felt an extreme amount of guilt like I had been taking advantage of her and it really gave a dose of reality as to how I have treated her over these years. After she told me all this I was even more determined to get my own issues under control. I never once tried working on us I strictly have dealt with my own issues as well as be supportive of her and school. About 3 weeks after she told me she stayed at a cousins house a couple days a week to get a break from us and the kids. I never once objected or called her and allowed her to have her space to figure out her feelings and such.

She recently graduated college May 5th and has been home every since. Some days she is affectionate and we have great rapport with each other. Other days she wants nothing to do with me and I give her space (try to not associate myself with her bad attitude). I am always positive and pleasant when we speak and do not show any attitude, temper, or frustration when we are around each other. I can tell she is in withdrawal as she avoids questions or subjects she does not want to address. She wants to spend more time by herself and with friends or her cousin. I do not believe she is having an affair as there are no signs she is emotionally or physically connected to someone else. I personally believe she is in limbo as to what she wants to do in the future. It feels like she is in conflict as to whether she wants to work this out or walk away. I have suggested counseling but she is not open to that idea right now. I just ordered the books HNHN and LB.

I am not sure quite how to proceed. She has indicated if we separate she wants me to take the children as she believes she doesn’t have the patience for 3 children by herself. I do not react when she makes comments like these (she does here and there), and she has made no threats of divorce. I love her dearly but I am starting to feel my own feelings slipping, not really giving up I just want some kind of resolution. I have read the forums on here for about a week now and the advice is pretty much always dead on or in a really good direction.

Currently I am not focused on the negative. I have forgiven myself and her for the things that have happened in the past and I am only focused on solutions. I am just looking for a little guidance and help. She has also told me she wants no one to know about us yet has discussed out problems with her mother and cousin ( I particularly do not like this as her mom is in a non loving relationship and her cousin has cheated and separated from her current BF numerous times – not exactly the best people to give you advice). I have asked her to speak to me about our problems if she wants to talk and she has yet to address a single issue. Thanks for listening.

My "A-Detector" lit up on the "I love you but I'm not in love with you", but that line above just tripped its circuit breaker. Very few mothers would want to separate from their children, under any circumstances. Of course, if they're caught up in some A-Fantasy...

For the record, I was absolutely SURE my FWW wouldn't let herself get caught up in an A. But she managed to do so - for 2 years - without me catching on.

I have looked and snooped and can't find any definitive evidence of an A. I have had my suspicions but it could be insecurities or it could be dead on. I have asked her a couple of times and she denies it (this is no suprise very few admit it). I just keep my senses keen and continue to look out for signs.

I would have to agree with MIM here as no sane mother would want to be taken away from her kids.

Is she dressing nicer?
Has she been buying new lingerie?
Is she excersing?
Does she want to get cosmetic work done to her?
Is she starting work earlier and working later?
Does she have unaccounted time?
Does she talk about male friends more often?
Does she hide her cell phone?

You mentioned she told you the ILYBNILWY statement in the past...how long ago?

Keep digging as this has all the trademarks of an A...sorry to say.

She and I both have lost weight the past few months as we have been on a health diet and both bought a lot of new clothes, hers have mostly been for work although some personal.

She dresses about the same she is a business professional nothing to extravegent or any different IMO

No knew lingerie I have checked this as well.

We are both excersising and have always been generally healthy again nothing here

Consmetically she is going for Accupuncture face treatments she has always battled acne and it is stricly for this purpose

We work together and I am a network admin so I have checked her email and phone records nothing out of the ordinary

The only unaccounted time she had was at her cousins house when she took a 3 - 4 week break a couple days a week, this was one of my red flags. since then has been home every night.

No indication of talking to male friends more often as we both have similar friends

I have checked her cell phone and seen a few numbers unrecognized I called them and they were doctors (OBGYN she had her yearly checkup and told me - and chiropracter) again nothing out of the ordinary I check it every few days

She stated this about 3 1/2 to 4 months ago. I am keeping my eyes open and have had my suspicions. I am not just letting it go but I will not let it eat me up too, if she is she's doing a damn good job of hiding it. I am not defending her these are just my observations. The comments she drops like leaving the children with me almost feel like she testing me, seeing if I will explode or what my reaction will be. I have been pretty indifferent like I said and don't take anything personally anymore when she tries to get a reaction.

UPDATE

Sunday night my wife, 3 children and I took her mother out for mother's day. On the way out my wife took out a pen and paper and then put it away I didn't pay much attention, on the way back home she did the exact same in roughly the same location and I asked what she was doing? She stated she noticed a place for rent and was writing the number down, WHAM hit me like a ton of bricks. I stated in a calm voice she could have had the decency to tell me instead of me holding out hope.

I got home and called my aunt. I asked her if I could stay at her place for a couple of weeks she said no problem. I have far to many emotions right now and I am still in love with the woman. I need to get my head straight and I will go back home. The whole situation is not right as we rent a place on her parents property and I don't feel right staying with her parents if she is trying to get her own place.

I talked to her some briefly Sunday night and asked if she truly wants to be on her own and she stated yes. I also asked again if there is someone else or if she is emotionally involved with anyone and she says no. She is very very indecisive and said she doesn't know what she wants. She is very scared and petrified of being alone but she needs some time to figure out who she is and what she wants in life.

Right now I am not doing well. I want to go home I miss my wife and kids. I was very hurt by her disregard for honesty with me. I also believe it is best for her to spend some time with the kids and see how this is going to effect them (I grew up in a broken home from and early age so I can empathize - she didn't) her choice is going to have.

It SMELLS to high heavens like an affair situation. I suspect an old boyfriend, say from High School as it doesn't take much for them to rekindle the flame and then decide to take it underground until she can extricate herself for the marriage. Asking her is worthless...because if she is having an affair SHE WON'T TELL YOU.

Regardless...by moving out...YOU are jeopardizing your custody case right off the bat.

Regardless...she has NO BIBLICAL reason to divorce you and relegate you to a every other weekend (and maybe Wednesday night) father.

Don't make divorcing you an easy comfortable option by being the one to move out. She gets the house and inlaws right there to help her through what otherwise should be a hard process. I HIGHLY recommend moving back home NOW. If she wants to move out, rent an apartment, whatever...that is HER choice. In such apartment, she will have an much more difficult time winning custody of the kids. If being on the inlaws property is too difficult...then after she moves out...I suggest you and the kids immediately begin to look for your own new place to move to. If you are at home you'll very likely end up with at least 50-50 custody...if it ever gets that far. You must be prepared, on the backside, for the reality that this might not all work out (though it VERY often does).

Mr. Wondering

I think there is an affair too, and probably someone from her college. I would do a little spying when she is at her cousin's house. That may be the excuse she uses to get time for the affair.