I couldn't agree with you more Frog Prince. Truer words have never been spoken. However let me say this even though you feel good doing the right thing it doesn't make any easier to do.LOL.

If anything fear of the consequences will keep you from make the same mistakes again or consciencely maing any more mistakes for that matter.LOL

Ok I have to know if this is gaslighting or independent behavior. Ok yesterday I went to a friends house with the kids and invited my H to come along but he said he was to tired after working in the yard and stayed home.

When he saw that I was getting the kids dressed and washing and combing there hair he responded in kind.

Mr DIG: Are you finally ready to go after getting the kids primped for an hour?

DIG: No I still have to get dressed. Would you mind watching the kids while I get dressed?

Mr DIG: Go ahead.

DIG: Thank you.

I go and get dressed and when I come out and he sees what I am wearing this is how he responded.

Mr.DIG: You sure are showing alot of clevage.

DIG: When I asked your opinon on this dress before you said you liked it. Why are you responding to it like that now.

Mr. DIG: Well I can see your bra.

DIG: If you want I can take it off.

Mr DIG: Do whatever you want to do Mary that will be between you and your kids. They are the ones going out with you.

So I leave my bra on and give a kiss goodbye and we leave. I stay at my friend's house for a few hours then I call to see if he is hungry and he says yes so I fix him so food and we leave. When we get home he is being cold and distant. I ask him what's wrong and he says nothing and he stays that way for a few more hours then he starts to talk to me again.

I want to know since I asked him when I first got the dress and he said he liked it was he gaslighting me and if so why? Or if it is Independent behavior and if so why?
I don't think it is innapropriate at all. That's just me though and maybe I am wrong. Please advise

DIG....YOU'RE MY SISTER!!!

But..if I were you, I wouldn't broadcast my picture on here in order for you to maintain your anonymity and to feel free about what you post since you are sooo brutally HONEST sometimes..I'll talk to you about the dress in a minute..

It's your choice..but DELETE it..OK?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

He isn't able to be HONEST with you and wants you to read his mind..

He didn't want you to leave him yesterday and especially didn't want you to DRESS UP before you left...

I suspect that he wants you to DRESS UP only for him...

He wants you to spend your FREE TIME with HIM...I BETCHA...

Ok Mimi I can sense that he has a hard time being honest because he doesn't like conflict, and I am sure he thinks if he is that is what his comments will cause. Yes he wants me to look nice when I am with him and probably not when I go out without him. What do I do and what do you think of the dress? Also yes he wants me to spend all my time with him other than when the kids are bothering him and he wants me to take them out.

BTW how are you doing Mims?

Some important WORK to do...

Work on being HONEST with each other...

For now, sensing his concerns about this, I wouldn't have gone...

You did look SEXY and he prolly was concerned about who would be EYEING you at your friend's house..that's understandable to me..especially if you were looking grungy around the house...

If your H wants you to DRESS UP FOR HIM, DO THAT for HIM..

Your job is to make him happy...the main source of his HAPPINESS...

His job is to do the same for you..but YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF..you make sure to do the RIGHT THING...

Are there any changes that YOU can make to make him feel more comfortable in being HONEST with you...

Did you used to SCREAM and SHOUT when you didn't get your way?

I used to be like that BACK IN THE DAY...

Now my H knows that I will not engage in ANGRY OUTBURSTS..no matter what...

I ENCOURAGE HIM ALL THE TIME OUT LOUD TO "BE HONEST WITH ME..TELL ME THE TRUTH"..."I CAN HANDLE IT"...

Thanks for always asking how I am doing. That's so SWEET of you. I'm doing GREAT....

Yes Mimi I did you to get really angry when I didn't get my way. What's funny is I stopped doing this a while ago and because I didn't react when he would try and push my buttons he said he didn't understand me anymore and that we couldn't read me anymore.

How can I get him to be honest with me? Yes I look nice around the house for him. Since I am looking and feeling better I want to look cute and it's because I am proud of myself. I can tell he likes the changes I have made but only when I am here with him. So should I only dress up at home and dress down when I go out without him? Or should he realize that he married a beautiful woman and know that I only have eyes for him and people are going to look just like he looks at women he finds attractive. All thought I have been tempted I have never given him any reason to not trust me because when I am tempted he knows about it.

Just the other day I was angry with him because I have been doing things around here to make it better for him. I had been going to bed late with him and getting up early with the kids and letting him sleep in and then I would take a nap when they did and the baby woke up and he was down stairs on the computer and I thought he would get her because he knew I was tired and he let her cry until I asked him to get her. She was only sleep for an hour an he was playing the music loud and it woke her. Then he had the nerve to tell me maybe you need to start going to bed when you put them in bed. I said maybe I will do that. Thank you for getting her. Then that night after I put the kids to bed I was like Mr. DIG I would like it if you would consider how I feel after taking care of the kids all day and you have a chance to help and how it would endear you to me if you did.

DIG: I was tired after going to bed at one with you and getting up early with the kids.

Mr DIG: I didn't know you were tired.

DIG: Do you think I take naps for lack of something better to do. I have been keeping the kids busy all week so you could have some quiet time. I would love if were to at least offer to do that for me.

Mr. DIG: I can't be like you.

DIG: I don't want you to be like me I just want you to get the baby when you know I am sleeping instead of letting her cry.

Mr.DIG: Ok I will get her from now on I don't want to talk about it anymore.

DIG: Sweetie I am sorry if you feel like I am attacking you. That is not my intention I just want you to help me more when you know I had the kids the whole day. I am not trying to make you feel bad. How can I tell you how I feel without hurting your feelings. Even if you didn't think I was tired how about maybe she could use a break after watching the kids all day. I just want you to consider me and my sitch more.

Mr.DIG: Try writing me a letter.

DIG: Ok I will do that the next time.

The best you can do is to continually ASK HIM to be HONEST and to ASK HIM WHY he is NOT BEING HONEST? Talk about this issue with him.



No don't dress DOWN! But do ASK him what he thinks about how you look. DRESS TO PLEASE HIM both in and out of the house. Better said, DRESS in a way that is PLEASING to the both of YOU....come to some JOINT AGREEMENT...but for me, I mainly like to LOOK GOOD in a way that my H finds to be PLEASING..that makes ME FEEL GOOD....



I think there's DANGER in saying what he SHOULD REALIZE...he has the right to his OWN OPINION about this..what's important is for YOU TWO to come to some agreement about what is APPROPRIATE and WHAT IS NOT in YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

The key is to learn to OPENLY COMMUNICATE ABOUT THIS..and it may vary from day to day..time to time..occasion to occasion.. he may want you to dress differently on a visit to a friend's without him than when he's taking you out with the TWO OF YOU ALONE..You get me?

Mimi I am sorry it took me a while to get back. I was running like a chicken with it's head cut off after my last post.

I understand the need to work on getting him to be honest with me. The day of the gathering at my friend's house he was supposed to be going to the mall with me and I told him we were about to get ready to go and asked him if he still wanted to come.

Mr DIG: You are getting ready to go now?

DIG: YES. When I get us all dressed then we are leaving.

Mr. DIG: Yeah I would go get dressed but you take forever to finish and someone has got to watch the children.

DIG: Well if you want I can stay in here with them while you get ready.

Mr. DIG: Not really it might take a while and I don't feel like having you rush me.

DIG: I won't rush you I can finish getting them ready while you get ready.

Mr DIG: I really don't feel like going.

DIG: Why didn't you just say that in the first place instead of trying to make it seem like it was my fault you couldn't get ready? I would understand you not wanting to go alot better than you trying to make me feel bad. Next time if you don't want to do something just say that instead of trying to make it my fault. I will really appreciate that.

Mr DIG: Ok if you say so.

Sometimes I swear it's like pulling teeth with this man. I talked to him last night and I asked him if he had a problem with the way i dressed and he said no. I asked him if that was the case then why did he respond the way he did when I put on the dress the other day even after he told me just before that that he liked it. he said he still liked it, it just seemed like it was lower than he remembered the last time. I asked if he had a problem with anything else I wear and he said no he liked what I had on yesterday. SO I guess I will see.

I also so understand what you are saying when you say it could be dangerous when I say he needs to realize. When I said that I didn't mean that I was thinking of doing some independent behavior. I meant that because I look the way I do no matter what I wear or if I have on makeup guys still hit on me. I am not saying that to be vain. So I don't know what else to do.

I remember one night we went out to dinner and I wore what I thought was a nice dress and he said how come everything you wear shows your breat and I replied everything I wear does not show my breast. I am sorry if you don't like the dress but I was trying to look nice for you.

So the next day I put on a wind suit and went to the store with all the kids and three guys hit on me and I was covered up and I told him then it doesn't matter what I wear it doesn't stop me from being me.

I have to say at first when I would have all the kids with me and guys hit on me I was very surprised because with 4 kids I would exspect them to run in the other direction.LOL

We can't help it if we are PRETTY? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />..just kidding...

I've learned to give the clear message.."DON'T HIT ON ME"...because it is crossing a boundary for guys to do that to you/me, IMO...

How do guys "HIT ON YOU"?

Your H sounds INSECURE so I don't think you need to necessarily TELL him when it happens and you need to learn how to put a stop to it if you can. There may be some sort of message that you are sending out unconsciously.

He is insecure. I used to be to. Now I know I am good enough but it is after a lot of counseling. I know he would benefit from it greatly but I can't make him go.

I could be I would being lying if I said it didn't make me feel good. However the one man I want the attention from in that way for whatever reason doesn't want me to know when he does look at me like that. After all this time I still don't understand him.

If have to say even when guys hit on me I am quick to let them know I am happyily M'ed. I am a free spritied person and I think because of that people find me easily approachable. I mean I talk to people and they start telling me their life's problems and I just met them. I could never figure that one out.

It's NOT SAFE for YOUR MARRIAGE to allow GOOD FEELINGS about yourself to come from OTHER GUYS.

Even though I LOVE to stay in the GODDESS/DIVA MODE, I do this FOR MYSELF and FOR MY HUSBAND. I'm aware that makes me ATTRACTIVE to OTHER MEN so I do not make myself APPROACHABLE by OTHER MEN. I put up walls, do not engage in conversation with STRANGE MEN in STORES, AVOID EYE CONTACT, etc...Interesting conversation..but come to think of it, this is what I have to do TO ENSURE THAT I AM NOT HIT ON...I have to give DIRTY LOOKS which say "I DARE YOU TO CROSS THAT BOUNDARY"..adds to my feelings of PERSONAL POWER..actually I love it...I start conversations with OTHER FEMALES in the store all of the time....



I seldom IF EVER get this far in a conversation with a STRANGE MAN...some of them don't care if you are married...



Don't talk to MEN, DIG...

NOT SAFE..NOT SAFE AT ALL....

I'm back. I had to go work out and get a quick nap in. Ok Mimi I know why you say don't talk to men and I can now understand how it can be dangerous but I have to say because my H has been doing more to met my needs better and I him our relationship is better than it has been in a long time.

Even Dr. Harley said that it is not uncommon to find others to meet your EN. It's dangerous if your S is doing a poor job at it. Why since I know if I felt anything for anyone I should flee should I not talk to anyone of the opposite sex. I think that was more of a danger when I believed that could never happen to me than it is now because I now I can be tempted as well as the next person. They have people I talk that I would never imagine being with how can they be a danger?

Lots and lots of reasons...not to talk to MEN..even if you are not interested, HE can be interested and get the WRONG MESSAGE...my H's HO was NOTHING like ANYONE, including HIM, would have expected HIM to be interested in..their R started with him seeing her occasionally as a RECEPTIONIST at a professional's office that WE frequented....I don't even want to think about it today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by DIG

Ok everyone I have to say I have learned alot about having a happy marriage from coming here and I have grown alot because of it. Now however I am starting to wonder if I should just give up on my DSH. I love him dearly but I have to say he has again fallen back into his old patterns of being unattentive.

I have been doing my best to met his EN and not LB but he has fallend off tremendously. I know it's because he thinks everything is ok. All I want is for him to take time out and give me a break everyone once in a while from the kids like I do with him when I know they are over stimulating him and for him to ask me about my day and tell me he loves and appreciates me. I have been cooking dinner almost every night. I have been keeping the house up. I have lost 20lbs and look and feel a lot better. I have stopped most of my independent behavior. The only independent behavior I do now is buy gifts for our family for special occasions like Father's day and the like. Things he doesn't feel like being bothered with. I forgot to add this. He did mention that I wasn't talking to him enough and I apologized and tried to do a better job of talking to him and when I tried for the first few days he said he needed some time to himself.

The only thing I did that made him angry as of late is having someone come and clean the carpet and they changed the time to a time that I had to take my son to soccer practice and I asked if he had anything to do and if he could stay here with them because I couldn't. He got angry and said if the next time I scheduled something and it conflicted with my schedule I needed to cancel and I said ok and I was sorry for intruding on his time and that it won't happen again. Then he asked me to plant some flowers in the yard and I did and I did some other things out in the yard that needed to be done like pulling some weeds and putting out fertlizer and watering the grass. He got mad at me when I thought I was doing something to help him out. He said I was taking over and that if I was going to do more than plant the flowers I should have told him because he thought I was coming right back in when I finished planting. I told him I was sorry that I stayed longer than he thought I was going to but I needed some quiet because I had the kids all day and being out in the yard working was relaxing. Also I wasn't trying to take over I was only trying to help him because before he would always complain about how I never did anything in the yard to help and I was doing it to be nice. I have been trying so hard but I shouldn't have to keep begging my DSH to met my EN's. The other day I asked him if there was anything I could do to be a better W to him and he said stop asking him questions like that. I am pretty sure he only answered this way because he didn't want me to tell him what I needed from him to be a better H. I just feel like I have been doing so much to make our R better. He seems a lot happier but yet he still isn't giving me what I need.

I don't know what else to do. I guess I can say he has really cut back on the critizism and that is a plus. However I still need the family commitment and admiration. I asked him how I could address issues I was having with our R in the furture because when I tried before he would take what I was saying personally and felt like I was attacking him even though I was using I statements. He knows our IC told me to use them when I needed something so he feels like I am trying to manipulate him. So I just feel like I am at a lost. Please Help!!!

Ideally, if you were magic, what would you want your H to be DOING/SAYING?

Mimi I could get him to do/say what I needed it would be thank you for taking the kids off my hands when I need a break I really appreciate that. How about you let me watch them for a little while, so you can have some time to yourself. Oh and BTW how was your day? Also I have to tell you girl I thought you looked good before losing those 20lbs but now I think you are all that. I love you and I think you are a great W. Thank you for cooking dinner tonight it was great would you like it if I did the dishes? Or maybe we can do them together.

That's all I really want from him.

Did he do any of those things in the past?

When we were dating he did everything but the things I mentioned with the kids. Now they are few and far in between.