Do any of ya'll look at the wspouse and want them to hurt as much as you are hurting? According to WH he felt a great amount of pain during the affair, of course I was quick to point out that it wasn't enough to stop him. Our counselor taught me that this is very typical- they are in emotional turmoil during the affair and once the betrayed spouse learns of the affair, their turmoil is given to the betrayed. It just doesn't seem right!! Okay I get this, but gosh it just doesn't seem fair that life is rolling along fine, I look at my dear wh, and think, I just can't believe he did this to us. I get so angry when this happens to me. I wish he could feel the pain I have felt for just one day. I know he sees my pain, he will ask what's up and I simply tell him I'm having one of those days. He typically responds in an extremely supportive manner- such as saying he's sorry, he loves me, he'll come over an hug me.

I guess I'm dealing with it all better than when I first found out (6 months ago), I wanted to physically hurt him- tear up his close (thought when I was doing his laundry- I made him start doing laundry to solve that problem). I don't know how I mustarded up the strength then, I just remember telling him that each time I wanted to do/ say something mean or evil- I did something nice. Let's just say I was probably the nicest person to be around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I guess I still have my moments-
anyone else out there have them? If so how long till they are gone or will it always haunt me? Honestly, I don't know if I can bear to be haunted by them. I hope time is on my side as I have noticed initially, it consumed my every thought, and now it is a passing thought. It might stike me hard twice a week.

Just wondering if anyone else out there has these moments?

At first I did. I was so angry that I couldn't see straight. Even on AD's I was a mess.

One thing to do is to recognize your triggers. What makes you upset? Once you know what they are you can be better prepared to handle them.

Cute name, At 6 months, it was a constant thought process
for me, at almost 2 years it's seldom, but I can still trigger. Time makes it better, his support is key and you are receiving that. It won't consume you unless you alow it to, and it sounds like you are fighting against it.
Time wise, you are better than I was. God knew my hurt and was always with me, as He is with you. Talk to to Him about and he will guide you into happiness again. Good Luck

I have them under control. I just hate when an innocent situation takes place- husband and I outside chatting on the porch - after the kids in bed asleep. I'm loving every minute of out there- then my mind snaps- jerk, you were willing to give us up for a fling. Blah Blah Blah. That tape recorder runs crazy. I have to tell myself to stop, that was a choice he made, he is not making that choice now, he does not have that arrogant attitude (in fog) that he once had etc. I hate this. It is draining to me.

Sweetie, I remember those mind snaps and having to bite my tongue to keep from ruining a moment. Just remember your Love Banks.You withdraw huge amounts with one cutting remark. Its's so good that you can refrain and save a nice evening. Instead, envision yourselves in the same scenario in 20 yrs. It may even bring a chuckle.My tape recorder is now running out of batteries if that helps you any.

amartini,

I have two thoughts I'd like to share! #1-The anger/pain do subside as time goes by and good memories and good times spent together outweigh the hurtful, painful times. HOWEVER, I will let you know that I am now four years post-D due to my exH having multiple A's, and on the occasion I STILL get triggered by some little thing and get mad or sad about it...and I'm now happily, newly remarried!! My point is this--the pain and anger DO subside over time but they do not just "go away" and to expect it to "go away" is not truly realistic. I think it would be more realistic to accept that those triggers are occasionally going to come up (less and less often over time) and to learn to DEAL WITH THEM in a healthy way. Which leads me to my second point!

#2-Change the tape recorder in your head!! One of the strangest but most effective things I did to help me recover is to change the tape recorder in my head that said, "You were so worthless he was willing to give you up for a ONS" or "We had a good thing and he was willing to give it up for a quickie"...you know? THAT tape recorder that tears you down, makes you feel worthless, and brings up all those hurt messages again? Sooooo...here's how I changed the tape recorder in my head. I took a package of yellow Post-It notes and wrote positive things on them, and stuck them up all over the house. I took lipliner and eyeliner crayons and wrote on my mirror "You are smart, funny, beautiful and capable" and I wrote that sort of in a circle around where I would have been reflected in the mirror...so that when I went to brush my teeth and I was looking in the mirror, I would see ME and I would see those words. When I posted up the Post-It notes, every time I saw one around the house (just out of the side of eye as I walked by) I SAID IT OUT LOUD. Now, what happens is that after a while, your EAR has heard OUT LOUD... many, many, many times that you are smart, funny, beautiful, intelligent, capable, desirable, etc. and the tape in your head starts to believe it.

In my instance, I was a single lady then and had no one else in the house to say those things to me. Also, I probably made 100 of them and put them ALL OVER. That might be a little "over the top" for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> But feel free to adapt the idea to fit your sitch. Maybe you could put up a couple, in strategic places, and if your DH is willing to help out, if you see it YOU say it out loud but if he sees it HE says it out loud! Something like that!!

Anyway....have fun with it. Change that tape recorder!!!

Your faithful friend,



CJ

This is typical at the 6 to 8 month mark in recovery

The adreline has subsided and a little (or lot) of resentment comes to the surface

It's also the most vulnerable time for a BS to end up in a revenge affair.

If you can swing it ...you two should consider a MB Marriage Conference this summer (there is one next weekend in Orlando).

Finally, it is my contention that the BS's pain is obviously much more severe and intense around and shortly after D-day, however, the WS's pain of knowing what they did to you, your family and themselves endures for years. This is my experience...your mileage may vary.

Mr. Wondering

Oh honey, yes, yes, yes. At first it was every other day (according to hubby), then it was maybe twice a week, then it was maybe once a week, then it was maybe twice a month, etc. It does subside.

I finally had to tell my H, look there are things that come up that trigger me. I may have a question pop up or I may be reminded of something. I need to get these out. I'm not doing it to hurt you. I just need to say what I need to say. At first these would be 10 minute conversations (and I would warn H that "we needed to talk."

Now if I have a trigger, he looks at me and says, "What?". I say, "I'm just having a moment." He hugs me and says I'm sorry and I love you. I in turn tell him that I love him too.

But the key is this-- he has made it safe for me to express myself and I have made it safe for him to listen. That works both ways with us.

Believe me we all have those moments, I still have them even three years later. They are less often.

I remember back three years ago when my WxH told me about the A. It felt like someone kicked me in the stomach and I just wanted to throw up. I felt like such a fool.

Since that day I have had so many different feelings. From depression all the way to anger. Each day was different. Everyday for about a year and half all I did was cry, it wasn't a sob, it was uncontrollable belt out crying.

One thing was I was never going to have them control my emotions even thought in private they did. I didn't let any outside person,(family and friends) see my anger or tears. I held my head up high and took the high road. Exposed the affair with the hope of saving my marriage. I didn't do anything wrong, and I knew it drove the OW crazy knowing I didn't go bolistic and showed how anger I was. She was counting on that. That is my revenge.

So when you are feeling angry, I just went into the bedroom took a pillow and slammed against the wall as hard as I can or sometimes I would scream into the pillow. Never let the the WS or the OP see you anger, that's when they know they can control you. Let them know you are in control and do something for yourself. Spoil yourself, you deserve it.

Hello,
Wonder if we have the same counselor- I heard the same thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

6 months and 8 months were really hard for me.

I wanted him to hurt, too. I felt like I was the one that was suffering and I didn't choose to hurt.

I know it sounds like it is just words, but time really does make a difference. Last year I didn't feel like I would look at March and April the same way ever again. This year it was not even in the same ballpark.

Hang in there

I have heard about the 6-8 month attack and I did suffer it. I am going on two years and still have a lot of anger/resentment. I have never wanted to hurt WW like she hurt me but I have wanted her to understand my pain or at least acknowledge it and take ownership of it.

If you are angry, why are you angry? There is something FWH is not doing that you need done. What is it? If you can't get to the bottom of that, you might be angry for a very long time.

The WS doesn't know how close he came to have his BVDs cut. LOL!!! I actually had the scissors in hand. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

That was about the time I learned about the stages of grieving. Read my link and see if you can locate where you are and where you are headed.

It helped me and saved his BVDs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

amartini, what you are going through are the stages of grief. When you are raped or have a child killed, you must go through all the stages of grief in order to recover. It the same with adultery. I am sorry you are having to experience this, but it is a good thing that is part your recovery. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I've realized that being depressed and upset doesn't help at all. I know that acceptance is what it will take for me to move on, and for WH to come to his senses.

I am there, but sometimes you have a day where you say, "Am I doing this right? Can I do this differently? Will this work?"

Just believe in yourself.

I know my WH is suffering, just in a different way. Time really does heal all wounds. That, and patience. I've learned to work on that as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MMH,

What I picked up from the original poster is delayed anger. Maybe it is part of the grief process and maybe it is not. I don't like this "Arlington Road" philosophy whereby we name it so it is no longer a threat. I had anger very early on. That anger went away. What many people do experience is a recurrence of anger about the 6-8 month mark and, in many cases, for no apparently good reason. Some people say it is PTSD. Maybe it is. Just be aware that it might very well happen to you.

piojitos, that is exactly how it worked with me and that is how I see it happening with others here. It is almost clockwork around the 8-10 month mark. I believe it is because that is when the shock wears off and the RAGE comes to the forefront. And yes, I was ANGRY as he11 the first month but that gave way to SHOCK and GRIEF and SADNESS.

The RAGE came back around the 9 month mark, when the shock wore off, and I began berating myself for being such a "chump" for settling for a "low man." Now, keep in mind, this was in a marriage where my H WAS doing the right things and trying for the most part. After this short phase of feeling RAGE, all the symptoms: rage, pain, low esteem, triggers seemed to diminish more and more every month until it went away. For me, it was the climax of my traumatic experience and the last gasps of my most intense emotions.

I DO believe it is a normal part of the grief process and have seen it played out this way fairly often [color:"purple"] [/color] .