DH has been in San Diego since February on Navy business. His ship just came back to port today, but he says he will not come home unless I ask him. I told him that he's looking for validation that he is always right, and I won't engage. If he wants to come home then he comes home, if he doesn't then he doesn't. His response was that if I won't ask him to come home then I must not want him home.

The kids know he's due back today, if he doesn't show up then it will be "because I didn't ask him to" and it's my fault. I think this is a passive-aggressive power play; I must submit to him and ASK him to do something as basic as come home after work. He says he just wants to know that he's wanted at home and he won't know this unless I ask him to come home.

Am I handling this adequately by refusing to engage, or am I perhaps overreacting? He's been off the ship since 8:30 this morning, it's been six hours and he still won't come home because I haven't asked him to.

LJP:

Your WH is engaging in a power play.

He is also hooking up with his OW.

One: You could have each of your children call him and ask him to come home.

Two: You could call him up and invite him home. Be as sweet as possible.

Three: You ignore him and let him do what he claims he wants to do.

If you do #2, What happens? He comes home, or he doesn't. His choice.

He could then also state that "you need to do XXX and YYY for him to COME HOME.

And you could jump thru those hoops as well.

Or you disengage.

Can your M be saved?

Yes.

But as it is currently operating, this M is doomed. And you being the mother with 6 kids with this H and 1 with OM, are in a whole heap o' trouble.

And your H being in the Navy gives him fewer options then him in a regular job.

Your H being in the house with you gives you the best chance of you recovering your M.

So invite him home.

Who cares if it's a power play.

Mulan around here will give you plenty of info on Passive/Agressive behaviors. Your H seems just typical wayward.

So. Invite him home.

LG

I thought of this. Then I realised he would tell them "he can't come home because Mommy doesn't want him to". Whoooo, can of worms.

I care! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm stubborn and aggressive and not at all suited to being dominated. It makes me want to screech and throw things.

But, really, you're reading my mind here. He'll stay on the ship and tell himself that it's all my fault he didn't come home, all my fault the kids don't get to see him, he is completely without blame because ALL I had to do was exactly as he said and everything would have been fine. It's all me me me and, hey, what's a poor guy to do when his wife wants to cause trouble by not doing simple things like he says. Right?

Not playing the game will defuse the power dynamic but it will enable his sense of self-righteousness, confirm in his mind that he is doing everything in his power to be reasonable and the troubles are all due to me being uncooperative.

As you have pointed out, it's a touchy situation what with us each being a WS as well as a BS. I need to get him home first, get him back to thinking not in terms of "not my problem what goes on at the house, her fault" and thinking instead "MY house, MY children, MY wife". I'm thinking what I need is to institute a Plan A, like Pep says, I need to put out a WELCOME HOME MAT.

I'll hate it like fire, but hey, I've birthed seven children and handled the house through three overseas deployments. I'm tough; I can take it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Post deleted by ManInMotion

LJPalmer,

I'm going to speak to you very bluntly, and I hope you'll listen to me. Please take the time necessary, as soon as possible, to read the link in my signature that says, "My Story." You will see, after reading all that, that I have been where you are and I know of what I am talking.

Here is the reality of your situation. You are married to a severely abusive man who is actively engaged in a physical, sexual affair right now--it is ongoing and he shows no indication of ending it or wanting to. You were weak and in your weakness you had an affair too, but you saw the error of your ways, did what was right, cleaned up your mess, and took care of business. In my opinion, your past affair has been taken care of and is over. And RIGHT THIS MOMENT you have six children who are dependent upon you for their lives and to provide for them, and because you are married to a severely abusive man, you have arranged it such that you are COMPLETELY FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT UPON HIM. In fact, at this time, you are completely dependent upon him socially, emotionally, and mentally as well from what I can tell. You have been isolated, not so much by not being near other people (like neighbors, etc.) but because he "won't let you" have friends, see family, etc. Right now, you are in his complete control.

That is where you are RIGHT NOW. And right now, your Abuser has you in a corner--either "ask me to come home" or I will abuse you and withhold food for you and the children. At this time, for your relative safety, you may have to do what you have to do in order to feed children. In other words, i am advocating that you ask him to come home, sweet as sugar, just for the reason of getting your kids some food. Period.

While you are, for now, going along with your Abuser's DEMANDS, I suggest that you begin to create a safety plan and being to start planning how you can get out of this mess that you have participated in creating. I do not know where you would LIKE TO BE, but I'd like to suggest that you consider things such as becoming financially independent...becoming socially independent...becoming emotionally independent...etc. I don't know for sure, but I suspect you can see the wisdom in getting yourself OUT of the situation you are in now, because the situation you are in now is intolerable!!

Sooooo...how do you become financially independent? How would you deal financially if you were a single mom? What would you be doing if you were raising the kids alone that you are not doing now? Let me give you an example. If dad left/divorced/died...where would your money come from? How would you care for your kids? Would yo work? Would you get foodstamps? If you and your kids WERE kicked out on the street today...right now...how would you feed them OTHER THAN BEGGING HIM FOR MONEY?? Now, LJ...you are a grown, responsible woman. How would you do it? Could you pay some of your older kids to watch some of the middle kids...and only take the youngest ones to a sitter? How would you look for a job?

Right now, you have a responsibility to your children and as their mom you have set it up so that you have to beg their "dad" in order to feed them...so swallow your pride and beg him. Get them fed. Avoid his abuse any and all ways you can while he's in dock and at home. And while he's buying you groceries, you start thinking about how you are GOING TO GET financially independent. FIND a way to get your own money that he can not withhold from you, so that he can not control you via money. Set up your own savings account to which he does not have access. Put YOUR money into YOUR account...not the "family" account. It is your safety ace-in-the-hole if he ever starts this "I'm not going to feed you or the kids" [email]cr@p[/email] again.

Another thing I would recommend is that you start writing a journal or something where you can document the times that he has pulled abuse such as "starving you into submission." That is parental abuse and neglect of children, and if this becomes a pattern and authorities are made aware of it, they will HAVE TO notify Child Services. Not only will he lose his children, but they might be taken from you too because you had no way set up to provide your children the basics of life. I'm not trying to scare you here--I'm just trying to tell you the way it could be if you don't snap out of it and DO SOMETHING.

Finally, please go to Domestic Violence Safety Plan and while he is away/out to sea, begin to get together a PLAN. Begin to set up yourself and your life so that you and your children can escape this abuse and get away safely. This is not a plan to divorce nor am I recommend that you divorce him. I am recommending that YOU as a grown, mature, responsible woman start to plan your own safety so that he can no longer "force" you into submission. Think of a plan to safety, and begin to implement that plan.

I know it will be hard. I know it will be painful. I know it will be scary. But I DID IT, and if I can, you can too! We will be with you every single step of the way, and no matter how many times you stumble, go backwards, and do it wrong, we will not leave and get sick of you, but we will stay until you and your children are SAFE!!

AFTER you are safe, then your H can figure out if he wants to end his A and work on his severely abusive behavior or not. Okay???

Your true and faithful friend,



CJ

Lady, were I you, I'd go over your husband's ship's captain regarding the matter of support. Take it one step higher in the chain of command and this time, provide more information and proof. A bank statement from these periods showing their extraordinarily low balances might do the trick. If that won't work, your husband's home port has a function which acts as a mechanism to handle complaints outside the regular chain of command. I don't know what it's called in the Navy but in the Air Force, it's called the Inspector General.

I'm retired Air Force and have little knowledge of Navy institutions, but all military organizations have that function. Also, you might visit with the base chaplain to see if he or she might be able to get some attention at the command level. The thing is, always work with each step in the chain of command, or with the IG, but don't be afraid of bucking things up to that next level.

I hate to say this at this moment, before any of Dr. Harley's program can be initiated, but if your children are going hungry, you should find a cruel, mean-spirited bulldog of a lawyer and file for legal separation and force your WH to support his dependents.

Study what CJ has said? I know it seems impossible at the moment, but you need to find a way to get out from under your WH's thumb.

Hang in there, okay?

I second what CJ and Longhorn have said. Your number one priorty right this minute has to be securing food and shelter for yourself and your children.

After that, take a good hard look at what you are dealing with here. As another poster said, this is far more serious and complicated than the "normal" cases of infidelity we see around here:

1) The trauma of rape, both to you and your husband. While not to minimize what happened to you, he will have his own feelings of guilt and violation that must be addressed.

2) Your affair resulting in the worst possible outcome - a child fathered by another man. And this was heaped on top of a man already suffering psychologically by the thought of his wife raped by another man.

3) His affair, which was clearly done out of revenge in an effort to punish you for the rage he no doubt feels over the rape and your affair and your child by another man.

You both need serious professional help for all of these. Unless your husband was raging and abusive before all this started, he has clearly just lost it completely and is doing horrible things like threatening to starve (and actually starving) his own children. He has shown that he is totally unable to deal with these multiple traumas and is not really in his right mind right now.

Besides the danger this puts you and your children in, don't you think his commanding officer might want to know that he's got a man serving in his outfit who is all but out of mind with grief, rage, loss and violation?

In many ways your husband is suffering far worse than you are, but you seem blind to that fact. You have been able to deal with multiple traumas in your own way but clearly he has not been able to cope with these things at all.

You must get the most serious of serious professional help before something really tragic happens here. This is the stuff of which murder/suicides are made.

You could start by calling the Harleys here at this site, but I think you are going to need more than even they can give you.

And yeah, I have info on Passive/Aggressive behaviour in my sig line but please don't mess with that right now. That's trivial kid's play compared to the reality of your situation.

I don't discount your suffering at all, but you seem able to cope with it. Your husband is suffering terribly but he is 100% unable to cope. Please help him, if only to stop him from hurting the rest of you very, very badly.
Mulan

I'd call Dr Phil, He thought he had seen it all with abuse with that Idiot Jeffrey in my book he sweeps Jeffrey. He would help you and put that maggot in the light of all America. And the plus is that he would probably put your H in a treatment facility which he NEEDS. My Daddy & brother served our country and they weren"t unwound like your H.
Hate to sound cliche' but if not for yourself, do it for our country, he is a loose cannon.

LP..

marraigebuilders principles...do not work in the cases of addiction and or abuse.....
Harley is clear on that...

there for engaging in marriage builders techniques...
by you is doomed to fail...and you don't have time to waste.....

both of you are two emeshed in this.....to be processing things normally...

truth is without such a history...
my advice would be....
your husband is asking do you want him home so you validate your love....and you should be slurping him up and down...

but that simple question in a healthy marriage is a loaded weapon in your and his hands...

know can even know what it really is..
is he asking cause he wants to know you care
or
is it manipulation and power....

who knows....

you need all legal aide and support in your court to deal with this...

you both need time and space with monitiored supervised interactions to even begin to communicate....

do you understand neither of you can process anything the other says without great confusion...

this is not without hope that down the line this will get better..
this is about safety safety safety first...

period


safety first....

seperations divorces can be held up and rerouted...

the issue is safety...

ARK

From what I have read, you two have created a huge mess. You really need to get some serious professional help right now. This web site will not cure your ills. Maybe a MB weekend. I don't know. But you two need a serious intervention. Both of you. If you're not careful, you may get your 15 minutes of fame on CNN.