I started with one issue, but buy the time I got done I realized that I really had three, so here it goes;

1) My wife and I have been married for 16 years and we have always had one misunderstanding (well three really). We do everything together, with one exception. I go over to a friend’s house and hang out every other week from about 9pm till about 3:00. We don't drink or do drugs, it's just sitting around and visiting and we have been doing this since junior high. They actually get together every week, but I figured that I could drop it down to every other week (I’m not always appreciative of this arrangement, but I try). My wife does not believe that I should be doing this at all. Despite this we have lived uneasily with this arrangement for a while now. I have given up watching sports and other activities unless it involves her (I'm not claiming these as big sacrifices though). When it comes to doing things together it is either for the kids or the house. We don’t really have anything for us or ourselves and she really doesn’t have anything.

Last night it came to a big head. She invited one of our daughter’s friends over, who is special needs and really requires that both of us be there. She didn't ask me, and even told the mother of the other daughter, with me standing there, that I would cancel my plans and stay home. Then she got upset at me for being angry.

Am I missing something? I must be.

The argument has exploded into “You always go out with your friends”, “You never help around the house” (second misunderstanding) and “Why am I the only one who has to stay home and give up my life” (third issue).

2) As far as the house goes, I work 10 hours a day, come home make dinner and coral the kids into bed. I make it a point to not sit down unless she does, and that is not easy because she hates to sit still and I like to. On the few days that she works (or rather sleeps since she works nights) and I am home, I tend not to accomplish as much as she wants. I’ll admit I don’t work the whole day, but I do spend at least half the time doing chores. I really think this issue just boils down to the house never getting clean enough to satisfy her and that there is really no way I can ever win. It’s not unsanitary, just a little bit of a pit sometimes (most people laugh at us when we apologize for the mess and tell us that we should see their house). So when ever this comes up I listen, agree and try to redouble my efforts. She has also recently started working, about 30 hours a week on the night shift (ugh), in part hoping to increase her exposure to adults (good for her). Obviously this hasn’t helped this issue at all.

3) With regards to her not having a life, I agree. She needs to get out more, even if it is every other week. In fact my friends would be willing to come to my house if she wanted to use the same day (although this is complicated by the fact that she works every other weekend at night). But she claims that she can’t do that because the kids and I don’t let her.

I think one of my biggest problems is that I fail when it comes to communicating with her when she is angry. She shouts and I shut down and this only makes her madder. I just can not think or articulate in that environment. When I try I only make it worse… like last night.

Aaaaagh. Any thoughts would be welcomed, including telling me that I am off base.


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Welcome. You are off base. The suggestion here is to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, just you and your wife. If you can't manage that, you need to skip seeing your friends. Having your friends over to your home doesn't count.

You might also discuss the Policy of Joint Agreement here, where neither person does anything unless both agree. She might realize that she needs to consult you before signing you up to care for a child.

I don't agree with believer above. I don't think that you are off base at all. Each of us needs time to decompress and you do it with your friends. That is perfectly healthy. It seems to me that is what your wife is missing. She needs to go out on her own or with friends and find a hobby or something to that effect. She stays home and builds up fustrations that then explode when you do something. I mean, it seems you are making an effort to help her around the house and with the kids. there is only so much one person can do without the support of the other. Both of you do need to spend time with eachother, alone. But if that's not possible designate a time everyday, (maybe 30-45 minutes), where only you and her are alone together and you ask about each others day and how things went. It may not meet the 15 hours, but now a days with work and children this may be all you have and it's a start. you have to start somewhere. The kids can be sent outside to play or to their rooms to watch TV. Just enough time so that you know what the other is thinking and feeling. She must absoluting not leave you out of the loop. That is very unconsiderate of her. i think she wants to have the upper hand and a marriage should not work in that manner. It has to be a 50/50 partnership. My husband goes out every now and then on his own and that's okay with me, because i know he would do the same for me. Both parties involve needs time to decompress. I do not agree with you shutting down when she begins to shout. I understand why you do it, but don't. I'm not saying shout back. this would make matters worse. What you can do is listen while she vents and then politely tell your side of the story and offer a solution or compromise.
Try to surprise her. One day leave the kids with grandma, and kidnap her for the day and go out to dinner, a movie, bowling, dancing, or somthing you think both of you might enjoy. but don't tell her. See what her schedule is like and work around that. A note on the house, a mess will always be there especially with kids. You can never get it clean enough. she may have an obsessive disorder and needs to seek medical advice on that. may I suggest spiritual guidence or even a therapist or councelor. I think you are doing just fine in trying to solve this conflict. With the exception of not communicating with her.

I appreciate both answers, especially since I am not looking for the right one, just the one that keeps our relationship healthy. I agree that spending time together is important and we try, but as you know it takes constant vigilance. I will definitely redouble my efforts here. I wish I knew how I get her out to unwind whether it was with me, friends or by herself, but she just sees that as turning her back on the kids and the house. By the way, if I suggested help I would need a big object to hide behind, but there may be a subtle way of doing this.

Unfortunately things have turned worse. My wife has decided to become the martyr. She insists that I don’t care about her or the kids and that she doesn’t need me to help out. Instead of me coming home to make dinner, she now has it ready when I get home (This is a big red flag because she hates cooking), the house is immaculate and she does everything she can to insure that I don’t have anything to do. If I try to help she gets angry and says that I am only doing it because she is angry. If I forget to do something or to clean up after myself, the attitude is “See”. This whole situation makes me very angry and doesn’t help me to communicate. I am trying to do what I can and trying to reach out, but after an hour or so of this I just shutdown and do what I can as quietly and unassuming as possible.