Well. My worst nightmare has happened. WH was in the pool this afternoon--while on company time--so OW didn't know he was at home.I was inside because I can't be in the sun right now. I just happened to walk by the window and look out there. He had his linc up to his ear and was cleaning the sides of the pool. He kept glancing at the door like he was watching for me to come out. I watched for about 5 minutes as he continued to do this.

My heart was pounding out of my chest because it was very obvious that he didn't want to be caught by me. So I snuck out the side door and walked around to the other side of the fence so that he couldn't see me but I could hear him.

As I listened I felt sick to my stomach. Even though he had the linc turned down low and to his ear I could still hear that it was a woman's voice. I heard him say"Well things have slacked off, there getting back to the way they used to be" Then he talked about going to an out of town court date and ask something about what motel she and someone else, who I found out later was a work partner , would be at. Then he said something about "you aren't getting joining rooms are you" and then well how do you want to work this.

I know there was more but I just can't remember it all anyway, it was enough to let me know that he was planning on meeting her at some point in the motel room. I couldn't stand it anymore so I walked around and went out the door to the pool and he started saying stuff on his linc making it sound like he was talking to someone from work.

I walked up to him and said"you a**hole. I never cuss but I was fuming. Then he was like "what's the matter" So I said you know what's the matter. Anyway, he tried to deny everything and then was speechless when I told him that I was on the other side of the fence. Lots more was said but he is swearing that he hasn't done anything with her since last year when he told me about the A.

For a long time he tried to act like all they were going to do is talk. I told him that I wasn't a fool and to just listen to what he was saying.

He said that he wanted me--not her--and that he guesses it was just the thrill that made him set things up. He says that they probably wouldn't have even done anything--yeah right.

He told me that he wanted us to stay together and what could he do. At first I wouldn't even consider it then I told him that he would have to break all contact with her, he would have to remove her as a contact and tell her that he couldn't talk to her even as a friend anymore( which I thought he had already done). I also told him that he had to tell her that he was trying to work things out with me, etc.

I told him that I wanted to be there but he said that he couldn't do it with me there.

I don't know if I will be able to believe that he really tells her. I haven't decided what my next move should be. Part of me wants to kick him out and let him go get her out of his system as screwed up as that sounds, but I don't think there was any closure before and I just feel like he's always going to wonder what it would be like with her. He says that he doesn't want her and he knows that they wouldn't work out. He admitted that he was wanting his cake and to eat it.

He says that he won't stay in the motel next week he will just drive home everyday.

What should my next move be?

Have you exposed at work?

It looks like you have known about the A for about 6 months. I wouldn't really call this Dday #2. In my case, it took about six months to finally establish NC and it also took extreme measures.

I haven't read your sitch. What are you willing to put up with? It can take time to establish NC. In some cases, you just have to put up with it. You do need to be very clear about your boundary conditions.

Does he need to go on the trip? Can he cancel? Can he send someone else? Can you go with him?

You need to decide what you are willing to do in case he continues contact and deliver that message very clearly to him.

Say your WH is an alcoholic. Tell him you will divorce him if he takes another drink. He will probably take that drink even though he doesn't want a divorce.

It takes time to get the A out of the blood and the clock starts ticking at NC - not Dday. Every time he talks to her, the clock goes back to zero.

((( insecure3 )))

So sorry you are here honey.... but, under the circustances - you are in a place of growth, support and understanding.

Did he send a NC letter yet ??

You need to see a pro-marriage counselor together. In another post you said he cheated before you married. Now he broke his vows, you gave him another chance, and he is getting ready to cheat AGAIN.

Work with a counselor to see what needs to be done to make you feel safe with this man.

bye bye to this chump... three strikes and you're out! You gave him another chance... and bet your life he has been screwing around the entire time.

Polygraph
Post nuptual

he will not sign the one and will fail the other.

Thanks for your suggestions. I am totally in a fog right now because I thought we had come so far and he says we have. He keeps focusing on the fact that he didn't do anything with her. I continue to say that planning on doing it even though plans were interrupted by me is as bad as doing it. If he is committed to me and our marriage shouldn't he be able to tell her so instead of jumping at the chance to rekindle everything at a phone call from her?

To answer some of your questions, yes he has to go out of town, no I can't go with him--it's jury duty--hers is other business but in the same town(how convenient!)

No, he hasn't written a NC letter. I suggested that and said that we could even write it together because he isn't good at writing letters, but he doesn't want to do it that way. He wants to tell her face-to-face or linc-to linc when she calls him Sunday--that was part of the plans I overheard too( them talking Sunday). He has to work Sunday so they would be free to talk on the linc all day and even meet up(he's a police officer).

He says that he doesn't want me to hear because he is embarrassed about everything. What a joke! He's never been embarrassed a day in his life.

I just don't know. I keep thinking about how far I thought we had come and how close I thought we had become during this past year since the affair was revealed. It makes me so sad.

I'm also mad! I hate the fact that she feels like she has the power to reel him back in away from me after 15 years of marriage. I am so tempted to call her and tell her off myself but that's not my personality. I am so sad.

Yeah, the old face-to-face breaking up. My ex did it in a hotel room. He also refused to write no contact letter. He said it was pointless. He was right about that - contact continued.

Get some counseling. Planning to meet is just as bad as any other adultery. Your husband prefers to have his wife at home waiting, and to be able to do his own thing.

With his history, he should be begging you to go to counseling, and be willing to do ANYTHING to save the marriage. But I think he is just going to continue on, cheating when he is able, and if he gets caught, saying he's sorry.

The first lesson I had to learn was that a wife should not have to compete with any other woman because the husband voluntarily made a vow to forsake all others.

Looking back now five years, I wish I had booted him out for a minimum of one year.

I was in my own fog, thinking I could convince him that he was wrong. He thought that an affair was not wrong because this woman (married herself with small children) cared for him and I didn't. I wish I had let him think what he wanted and kicked this two-timer out for a minimum of one year.

Cherished

I was just reading Dr. Harley's advice about resentment. Boy do I have some! After his affair was revealed to me I found this sight several months later and wondered if I should have let him move out like he planned instead of practically begging him to stay and doing everything perfect for him. I am so angry at myself for taking all the blame.

He truly made me feel like I had pushed him into the arms of this OW so it was like I had the affair and was doing everything possible to make him forgive me. This is the appreciation I get from a whole year of treating him like a king. I thought that since it was my fault(or I thought it was) by not giving him much attention emotionally and physically that I could prevent another affair by giving him all that I supposedly lacked in.

I told him yesterday after catching his plans that I felt hopeless. I told him that I had done everything that I could do this past year and he agreed that I had.

He couldn't seem to answer my question about what I was lacking in that OW had. I ask if she was prettier, better sex, better personality, etc. but he answered no to everything.

He keeps saying that he doesn't know why and that probably nothing would have happened. I say yes it would. If he was willing to risk everything again for her, is there anyway that I can possibly trust what he is telling me about breaking all contact and that he wants to stay with me. He asked me to give "us" 6 months before making a decision. I feel like i am being made a fool of again.

The OW isn't prettier, sexier, better in any way than you. She is AVAILABLE.

I promise you something would have happened with the two of them if you hadn't caught him.

I have a feeling that he cheats because he enjoys it - probably a character defect from family of origin issues, not because something is missing in the marriage.

I really don't recommend more Plan A, because that didn't seem to make any difference at all to him.

I suggest you get counseling, and he get counseling to figure out why he is willing to risk everything for some sleazy sex.

I was just thinking the same thing today---about the counseling. I guess I always figured it would be a waste of time because I don't know if he would put any value into what a counselor said to him. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope though. I told him that there was nothing left for me to do. I have been the perfect affectionate, loving wife this whole year. I feel like I have nothing left to give.

I told him that there was nothing else that i could change to affair prove our marriage. So he says that maybe it's him that has to change this time. That's where the "give it 6 months to see" comes in. But how do I trust anything that he says?

I ask him how he could possible love me and want our marriage to work if he was willing to risk it all for her.
He said that he figured there would be no way that I would find out and that there wouldn't be a risk.

I just don't get it at all. In my mind, if you love someone and want to be married to them, you wouldn't want to be with anyone else. He has always admitted to having a weakness for sex with other women. He says that he just likes the butterflies and the excitement of the chase.

He says that he was faithful the first 14 years of our marriage(like he deserves a medal for that or something). Supposedly this was the one and only fling he has had.

He says that he guesses once he got started up its easy to sway again. There were just so many promises made this time last year that were broken. I don't know if he is sincere and can resist the temptation if it arises with her again.

I am very nervous right now because she is suppose to contact him today(he's working) and he is supposed to tell her that the plans are off for next week and that he wants to work things out with me. He is also supposed to tell her not to call him anymore so we will see. I wanted him to record the conversation but he wouldn't so I don't know if I can believe that he will say everything that is planned.

I worry that he might make it out like--we've been caught this time but maybe we can try again later. I guess I just don't trust him.

Insecure,

It sounds to me like he wants to save your M, so you have him pretty much over a barrel right now. You call the shots as to what it will take to save your M. You set out boundaries that he must follow. This includes exposure to work, a NC letter (he should never speak to her again, even if it is to break up), MC, IC, O&H, accounting for time, and anythings else you want in your M. He'll try and bargain you down, but stand firm. He thinks he can manipulate you into dropping some of those conditions, but if when push comes to shove, he'll cave on every one of them. When he first resists, kick him out if you have to and go to plan B. He won't last long, I promise.

If he has jury duty why can't you go out of town with him? The governing body responsible for the jury will not pay you, but why not you or your husband pay your way? If you are working, call work and say that you have a family emergency. Also, check to see if it is too late for your WH to get out of the jury duty. I can't believe that jmwc95 didn't think of this, since he is great at throwing a wrench into the wayward's plans.

That part is solved. He has decided that he will just drive home everyday after duty is over.

insecure3,

Before I go any further, let me just reassure you that choosing to have an A has NOTHING to do with the OP being smartier, sexier, or prettier than you. Halle Berry's H had an A. Nicole Kidman's H had an A. They are the most beautiful women IN THE WORLD!!! So your OW does not have anything that you don't have, AND MORE because you also have memories together, a home together, dreams of a future together, and finances and children together. Soooo...don't go down that road, okay? This is about WH being addicted, not about anything else.

Second, what I am about to say might sound kind of harsh, but I want you to consider my words seriously and calmly. You have done everything you can to win back your WH and save your M...it's up to him now. And I'll be blunt: either he wants to end the A entirely, fully, TODAY...or he is stalling and looking for a way to continue it, no matter what he "says." Here is what I would like you to do: you do nothing more because it's not some problem that YOU have...it's HIS problem. I would strongly suggest that you go to him, as calmly as you can, and say, "What are you willing to do, RIGHT NOW, TODAY to save our M and keep me in your life?" If his answer is not, "send a NC letter that we write together and mail together, quit my job, give you my linc and all passwords to all my emails, and have complete accountability to you and some 3rd party (like a pastor or male mentor)" then I say that you calmly pack his things and have him move out UNTIL he is willing to do those things ON HIS OWN, WITHOUT YOU BEGGING, NAGGING OR REMINDING HIM.

At this point, it is 100% up to your WH, IMHO. Yes, he is going to feel embarrassed to have you HEAR him tell OW that he can't have anymore contact...because HE chose to act in an embarrassing way! He needs to suck it up and feel the embarrassment for acting poorly! That's the natural consequence of acting like a jerk! Yes, he's going to feel like his "privacy" is invaded...because HE chose to break trust with his spouse via "privacy." He turned "privacy" into "secrecy" and has therefore lost the privilege of "privacy" until he has proven himself. Furthermore...he misused "privacy" TWICE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> So now not only is he accountable to YOU but also to a mentor, pastor or counselor!! Finally, he specifically used his linc (that's the ear-cellphone, right?) to facilitate an A, so because of his choices and his decisions, he now has lost the privilege of having/using a linc in "privacy." Yep--he needs to give you his linc and only use it with you in his presence!! I don't care if it IS "for work!!" He misused it!!!!

insecure, I know what I'm talking about. My exH had 13 A's that I can prove and probably several more that were more hidden...and each time he'd make promises and then not follow through. Each time he'd use his words to charm me back, and I'd believe him because I did not want to be divorced and I so much wanted him to mean it! But what I've learned over the years is that actions speak louder than words...and if words and actions match, then a person is trustworthy and deserves trust. Right now his actions (WH's) say that he wants to continue the A and does not care how much it hurts you or the M. Either he is willing to put actions behind his promises...RIGHT NOW...and take active steps to end the A in front of you -OR- his actions have told you what he intends to do.

It's really rather simple. It's up to him. Either he sucks it up, deals with the embarrassment of HIS CHOICES, and ends the A today (don't let him put it off) -OR- tell him to move out.

Now...I want to point out to you that I'm not encouraging you to divorce or end your M. I'm encouraging you to demonstrate to your WH that you are unwilling to be part of a harem. Use YOUR actions to show him that he will not be able to have OW and insecure too. If you pack his bag while he's at jury duty and change the locks...he will get the message LOUD AND CLEAR and it will speed up his thinking process!! He may try to "blame you" for "kicking him out" but you let that roll right off your shoulders--HE CHOSE to no longer have the privilege of being with insecure by choosing to not send a NC letter, not turn over his linc, and not be accountable...not you!!!

Okay? Now please consider what I have said.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Nuff said on this......this is a black and white issue. Too many well intentioned enablers (and there are MANY) here make this a gray issue when it is NOT.

Well said CJ.

LM

I guess I have done all that I can. I pretty much said that to him, but I still have this worry that I am not doing something as I should to keep him from wanting to have another "fling" w/ OW.

I know that the NC letter is the best idea, but he says that it's just not a good idea to have it in writing. They are both in the field of law enforcement and he says that people(OW) could turn things around to make it as though he is harrassing her or chasing after her, etc. I know, it's another excuse, but it just aint happening with the letter. So.... He has to wait on her to call because I don't want him to call her. That should be today because the planned "meeting" was to be for tonight. She doesn't know yet that he isn't staying in a motel and that he is coming home. So, the plan is, when she calls to see what motel he is in or whatever, he is going to tell her about coming home and continuing to work on our marriage, they need to break things off--not talk or see each other anymore, etc.

Now that's the plan. Whether it will work out that way remains to be seen. I am nervous and I know that this is not a good way for him to end the contact, but it is what it is and that's that.So.. all I can do is hope for the best.

That kind of thinking of hopng for the best has been your problem all along. It "is what it is"....is what your going to continually get. Your situation is NOT different. Your issues are NOT different. Noone is relishing telling you "I told you so". But that is what it is going to be.

Garbage in...garbage out.

What is different this time?

LM

Your WH is in law enforcement, so maybe he understands this analogy.

He is a repeat offender. Who seems to think the appropriate punishment and deterrent is "I won't do it again."

No jail time.
No remorse.
No restitution.
No restrictions on his freedom.
No parale officer.
No statements from the victim.

Not acceptable. He is going to have to be accountable.
He needs to PROVE himself to you.
He does not deserve your TRUST.

Unless he lets you listen to his call with OW, I would assume its 100% bogus.