I'm reading SAA after my co-worker loaned it to me. I thought I'd check out this site because I feel so hopeless and alone. My husband and I are both 30... have been married for 9 yrs and have a 1 yr. old daughter. We began as best friends and soul mates. But after years of family tragedies, miscarriages and infertility, we withdrew from eachother. By a miracle, we were blessed with our daughter in April 2006. I was so caught up in mommyhood... I lost sight of my spouse. I failed to recognize that any issues he had with me during the last 9 years were becoming magnified, now that he had such massive responsibility. I started noticing a change in him in November '06. I comfronted him and ofcourse he adamently denied anything. He withdrew more than ever. And in Dec. I asked if we could go to counseling. He agreed, but I could tell he wasn't in it. He was so bitter and would clam up in sessions. He had this hopeless sense about him. I couldn't figure out why... but now I know. Around this time, I found his cell phone records and discovered the same number numerous times. It belonged to a 19 yr. old girl that worked with him. I asked if he was having an affair and he shot me down... totally denied it. Said they were only friends. All winter I would comfront him... but he would always make me feel guilty for thinking he could do that. We stopped therapy because it wasn't getting us anywhere. Week after week, month after month I would approach him for sex and emotional support... I would get turned away. He just kept saying he was "going thru something"... it wasn't me, it was him. Last Sunday, 6 months after he began acting strange... this girl came to my door and told me she was having a affair with my husband... that she loved him. My entire body shut down. How could he do this?! I can't even believe I'm typing this! Anyway, he came home after he found out she had come over... he looked like a deer in the headlights. I agreed he could stay in the house... in our guestroom. He agreed to start counseling with a new therapist the following day. For the first time ever, when asked why he was there, He said, "I want to save my marriage." Before, in therapy... he wasn't "there." Now, we muddle thru each day for the sake of our daughter. We've talked some... but he gets so defensive. He says he ended it, he agreed in the counseling session to completely end all contact with her. I've been checking his cellphone, email, everything. But I don't know what to believe. I guess I just need support in how to deal with this... how to go from here. I don't know how not to grill him and scream and cry when we're home together in the evenings. But I can tell that this is already pushing him further and further away.
I need help and advice....
Thanks

Welcome. You might want to copy and paste your post on General Questions, as the weekends are slow.

If he is working with the girl, he needs to change jobs immediately. Also you can expose the affair at their work, and to her parents and his family and yours. Shedding light on an affair usually cools it.

In the meantime, read all about Plan A which is the place you need to start.

She quit working there in Dec. She is a student in town though. My family and his have been made aware and are devastated.

Thank you, I will post this on General Questions as well.

See if he will agree to write a no contact letter, then you approve and mail it. Although the wayward spouse could agree to write it and then contact the other woman anyway, they usually don't. If they are in doubt about whether they want to work on the marriage, they usually refuse to write one. So I use it as a litmus test of whether they are serious or not.

It should say that he made a HUGE mistake and regrets it, loves you and wants to work on the marriage, that he wants no contact with her forever for any reason. THE END.

I will see if he will. The day after she came here and told me about them, we met with a therapist. She said she had one rule. He must end any contact with that person immediately... email, calls, text messaging, anything. He agreed. So, he called her and said, "It's over." She started crying and hung up on him. I saw on his cell records where that call was and it was less than one minute. I'm realistic though... and I know not to let my guard down. He could be borrowing anyone's phone to call her since then.
Thanks for your advice....

Sounds like you have an excellent therapist. You would be surprised to know how many know nothing about affairs, and think it is fine for the adulterors to stay in contact.

Look back before the affair, and start working on changing things that he may have complained about. The affair isn't your fault, but the state of the marriage is half your responsibility.

We talked last night for one hour. The therapist suggested we set aside scheduled appt times to talk. And for me to write down questions for then. Before that, I would just start ranting and questioning and crying. It was getting us no where, as he would shut down and get angry. I'm trying my best to follow Plan A and my therapist's advice. Anyway, he answered all of my questions very well last night... was very open. But this morning I regressed. I went into the guest room where he was and started asking questions again. I've really got to work on that. He got upset and defensive. Said I was using what he had said the night before and throwing it back in his face. It's so hard....

Yep, it is the hardest thing you'll ever do. The trick is to get your questions answered - which is a MUST - without having him think you are going to throw it in his face, and question him the rest of his life.

You will also want to explore the meaning of the affair together. When an affair gets swept under the rug, and you move on like nothing happened, it leaves room for another affair in the future.

Often the wayward spouse will hold back on honesty to try to protect the betrayed spouse. That just makes things worse.

See if you can limit your sessions, and leave the rest of the time for fun times.