I was posting in just found out but it was recommended I post here. In a nutshell, my H of 14 years (living together 3 years before that) informed me Friday night 2 weeks ago that he doesn't love me, hasn't loved me in years and wants a divorce ASAP. After 5 days, he admitted to the affair. He is in love, she is leaving her H and they are moving in together.

I have weakly attempted Plan A - I wrote a letter. But everything else seems impossible. I am so utterly heartbroken and depressed. At first, I didn't eat or sleep for 10 days and since I have started antidepressants I've improved a bit but he's already all but gone. Everybody already knows about the A. The OWH knew before I did. Everyone at his work knows (they work together) and support them 100%. They were even the ones that advised him not to tell me about it. His family knows - MIL told me that he's not leaving me because of the A but that he's been feeling this way for a long time. I'm just sick with grief and I'm darn near out of time.

I barely see him - he doesn't come home until very late after he knows I'm in bed and leaves by 6 am before I get up. When I do see him, he won't talk about anything other than how we are going to divide things up. He has a network of support at work giving him advise on how to dump me and profit by it. I have some emotional support at work, but I commute so I have no friends nearby. My son is away at college. The weekends are killing me because I'm alone with my grief.

So given this state I am in and the virtual absence of this man who until 2 weeks ago I thought was my best friend and soul-mate, how do I pursue Plan A? Or is it a totally lost cause?

Tabby,

I'm sorry for your pain. I know words don't help. Many people here have felt exactly the same feelings you are experiencing. Exactly. Hang in there, Saturday afternoon may be a little slow, but some of the expert long timers will be along to welcome you to the board. You're in good company here. Do you have a church family?

"MIL told me that he's not leaving me because of the A but that he's been feeling this way for a long time."

Ho-hum - that is what all the wayward spouses claim. Your MIL must not know much about affairs. Don't confide in her, just be friendly and pleasant if you talk to her.

These affairs all end, so it will end too. You just need to hang in there until it does.

Is the OW still living with her husband? Does he want to save their marriage?

Was there anything you husband complained about before the affair?

Expose to his HR department and ask if that is company policy to encourage the break up of families.

Is he telling you his co-workers support him or are you getting it straight from their mouths? Put them in the hot seat with him until they all come clean.

I am furious. Personally I don't believe all suppport him. That would mean he works for a stupid company owned by the mothership herself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Go read Surviving an Affair along with Love must be tough.

Your's is a harder sitch if there is any truth to the work and MIL support. Make sure their support is based on the truth. Raise that question in their minds.

Ex:

BS: MIL, I hear you believe the WS had an A because of trouble in our M? You encourage affairs to solve trouble? Didn't know you that is how your logic worked.

First of all, the trouble must be on his side because I was not aware there was enough or any trouble to warrant an affair. So tell me MIL, what truthful information do you really know about our M that I don't? Or has the WS spun you in a web of his lies also?

MIL: Uh.... uhm.... I can't believe my son would lie to me.

BS: Your son was not known to be a liar until he started having this A, so you gotta wonder what kind of person the OW is and who else he has been hanging around to make him this way. After all, you c/b next on his list to target. OW's like to get other people's possessions and $$. She already wants my name, property and title (Mrs.), she may want yours next! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

NOTE: Put seeds of doubt in MIL's mind.

As for work, do something similar. Bring out the greedy and selfish side of the OW and how a character change has come over the WS. Would they trust him know with their lives as they may have before? Hm.....

Seeds of doubt in the A. It is a strong tool. Use it to your advantage.

L.

Please tell me how you know this. Have you spoken to him yourself?


Who knows and HOW do you know they know? WHAT do they know?


So she is a supporter of the affair? Does she also support the destruction of her grandchildrens family?

Do you children know?

What do you know about Plan A? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Here is something that will give you a good idea of Plan A:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

For your protection

Make a copy or just abscond with ALL financial records.

If he's been planning this awhile he may already be WAY ahead of you hiding assets. Look for a safety deposit box key on his keychain and make a photo copy of it.

Don't let him know you are doing this.

You may, in the near future be making a substantial withdrawal from your joint accounts to protect yourself.

YOU CAN'T TRUST HIM TO BE FAIR. YOU can be fair...later.

Mr. Wondering

I guess I don't really know for sure if OWH knows or not. I don't know who he is. H won't tell me his name. I know the OW's first name and there's more than one woman by that name at his work. I don't know his people at work at all - I've been introduced to some but I probably wouldn't recognize them outside the building. Funny - as I think back I recall things that fall into the whole picture that seemed innocent at the time. For one, he never went to his Christmas party - he hates social events - and then this year he did, but he didn't want me to come because he wanted to be able to leave early. His cell-phone rang one time and he silenced it without answering. And his mom hadn't called the house in ages (he's been telling her everything as it has developed and at some point, he began talking to her by cell-phone only).

As for his coworkers - I have already caught them covering up for him when I called and they said he was in the back and couldn't come to the phone but his truck wasn't in the parking lot. He goes out with "them" pretty much every day now. According to him, the OW has a 7 year old daughter who her H has agreed to award full custody. I'm sure he's out with her too, but I don't think it's every day. He says she has not moved out of her home yet - and this is about the only thing I truly believe because otherwise he would have a place to sleep other than here. He told me one of his coworkers has offered them a house on July 1 but they are trying to get a place before then. This was after I refused to let him take our house (original plan was to boot me out and move her in).

As for my son, he's from a previous marriage, so he's not a biological grandson. However, H has been his dad since the age of 1. When I spoke to MIL, I asked her to please keep in touch with him. She said she would but it's been a week and he hasn't heard from her. He is devastated. All his cousins are on that side of the family. He feels like he's been betrayed as well. H told him that he would always be his dad, but then turned around and told me he wouldn't help pay his tuition ($1100 per month) and if I tried to take him to court for it he would say he was never his dad - basically emotional blackmail since he knows I will protect my son.

And yes, he is far and away prepared. He knows the letter of the law here and exactly what he is entitled to. My credit cards were canceled even before he told me. I dug through a bunch of receipts and found he had made a giant payment on his truck. Meanwhile he was taking me out to dinner, being extra cuddly in bed etc. He's been planning this for months and I was TOTALLY blindsided!!! This is the man I've loved for 17 years!! What happened????

This is how they act when they are having an affair. The nicest person on earth turns instantly into a monster. Your best bet is to try to figure out who the OW's husband is, and let him know what is going on.

Realize that these affairs always end, so have some hope. In the meantime, start working on making a good life for you and your son.

Stay calm and in Plan A. I'm sure he will be back.

Tabby, the first thing that needs to happen here is exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy and exposure ruins the fantasy. The OWH probably does not know about the affair at all, but your H is telling you this because a) he has been lied to or b) he wants to keep you quiet. Exposure is like turning on the lights in the crack house. No one wants to smoke crack when everyone is watching. Exposure is a very effective weapon against affairs.

So your first order of business is to find out who the OWH is. THIS IS VITAL. You would then need to make up a list of exposure targets with him at the top of the list, that would include Human Resources, your H's and the OW's bosses, your parents, his parents, his family members, close friends, pastor, etc. Tell them about the affair and ask them to give you support in saving your marriage.

I have no doubt that your MIL has been sold a SPUN version of the affair. ["we were having problems and are ending our marriage, blah,blah, blah] Speak to your MIL, tell her the truth of what has happened and ask for her support. You may not get it because she sounds like the kind of mother that only wants to BE LIKED and doesn't really give a rats [censored] about her son. Even so, she should know the truth.

When you expose the affair, it should be done in one fell swoop to get the maximum impact. There should be no forewarning to the affairees. Doing it at one time will prevent the affairees from pre-empting you and will make it harder for them to recover from the blow.

And lastly, do not cooperate in any divorce or seperation schemes. I think you should contact a lawyer yourself to make sure you are protected. He sounds very strategic so you would want to protect yourself.

Get yourself a digital voice activated recorder from Radio Shack or Wallmart. I want you to have one for the day you confront him on making that truck payment, cancelling your credit cards, "hiding money", etc. Such confrontation should be carefully thought out so as to get him to admit doing so on tape and have him say it with prejudice.

Judges are people too. Divorce judges don't take so kindly to these types of staged "I've got no money to split with my wife of 14 years". The assets may be gone...but the judge can still award a nice alimony award (especially in lieu of child support).

BTW...are you certain your computer isn't keylogged??? If he has been carefully planning this stuff he MAY be spying on you right now. Check your phone lines...follow the cords all the way to the jack and look for anything odd plugged in. Check the phone lines coming in the house and the transfer box (often in the basement). Check the cords on your computer (especially the one from your keyboard to the computer tower) where a keylog hardware device may exist. Obviously, you can't be too careful (though I suspect you aren't in too trusting a mood right now).

I say don't allow him to manipulate you too much with your son and his relationship with him. IF he is going to cut your son out, then your son don't need him anyway. Don't allow him to manipulate you. Call his bluff.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Mr. Wondering

Get a trial copy of Spyware Doctor. It will tell you if there is a key logger on your computer or not. You don't have to pay for it to get that information. You will have to pay for it if you want it to kill the logger. I you find one, you may be able to go to add/remove programs and kill it there instead of buying Spy Doctor. It just depends on which program he used, if he in fact did so.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. My wife told me she was leaving, but she never did. So there is hope for you. Expose, expose, expose and the exposure "Attitude" that you read here is the right one.

Your MIL may be one of "Those" moms who "Just want their kids to be happy." And she hasn't a clue just how often an affair ends badly. Seeds of doubt everywhere; can the woman who has betrayed her husband and seven year old be trusted?

And don't believe a word he says and only some of what he does. Affairs breed lies like a hot day breeds flies. He is not exactly your husband right now, he is an alien in a human suit. Some companies have specific policies that preclude romance at work. Go to the company's web site and see if their ethics policy is posted. Ask their HR department if the company is large enough to have one what their policy is about office romances. Again, he is going to feed you a line of bull. Do NOT trust him to tell you the truth about much of anything. If he has more than just a very few co-workers, I find it hard to believe that ALL of them support affairs. Chances are real good at least one of them doesn't and hates affairs.

See a Lawyer quickly so you can understand what you need to do to protect yourself financially. He is already spending JOINT assets to favor himself. Keep records in a safe place. I really feel for your son. He is betrayed as are you.

I wish you well.

Larry