Hello all,

I've posted my story on another board. My question is now, should I file for divorce.

We have been seperated since the beginning of January, but not living apart until March.

Recently my wife gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, and I thought that maybe this would help bring us closer, but it has not. I called her the other day to talk to my 4 year old son, and after talking to him, I had asked her if her feelings for me are changing at all, and she said "NO". I told her that I don't know what else to do, and she said that she doesn't know either.

I feel that I need some sort of closure. She doesn't talk to me about what she is feeling or thinking. We do not communicate with each other at all.

I feel so alone without her, but each day gets a little easier. I don't know if I can wait forever for her to make up her mind. Does she want to be with me or not? And right now she does not.

well, any insight will be helpful. Any questions, just Ask?

I'd read books on reconciliation and forgiveness. Also there's some good books out on separation. I don't know your situation but if you think you can save the marriage there's a process that you can go through, even if she doesn't appear to want to talk to you, you can be the one taking the "high road" apologizing and asking for forgivness. Ask her specifically what you can do to help her. If she has a young baby she's likely tired with some post partum depression. This isn't the best time for her to make a major life decision if she doesn't have to. I left my ex after a new baby, I can see looking back that I was tired and was a mental wreck. But he didn't do his part even after I left to make things better. It's not a matter of "waiting" around for her to make up her mind, it's a matter of you working on yourself during this time, being the best person you can be, improving your own faults, and even if you don't like it - being humble and apologetic, over and over again. As you grow and change during this time she'll see it, she'll see how you listen to her, help with the kids, say you are sorry, ask how things can be different, what you can do... You have only been separated a few months. Give it some time if you can. Separation can be a healing time. As Dr. Phil says you owe it to your marriage to turn over every single rock possible before ending it. You have children with this woman. A marriage is still a marriage until divorce...

Just quickly skimmed some of your other posts. There is a good brand new book out called How can I Forgive You. The same author wrote After the Affair. Both books might help you sort through your thoughts with your wife. I just read How can I Forgive You? and it has very specific ways that you can "help" someone forgive you after you have wronged them. Although you say your affair was before your marriage, you wife has trust issues, you aren't the person she thought you were, she lost some of her innocence. As I said it's not a matter of "waiting" for her to change her mind, that might be too late. The author of these books is also an expert on affairs, although you dont' think you wronged your wife as much as she does, it'll do wonders for you just to really listen to her complaints, empathize with her and really show her how things will be different. Again the ideas in the Forgiveness book are really good, I'm sure there are others out there as well - there's a very good Christian book on Separation you might find too. Dont' give up.

Thank you for your help. The last thing that I want to do is give up, but I am so tired of trying to work this out with nothing in return. I am still in counseling and she doesn't go. She has given up on us, and no matter what I do or what I say it all falls on deaf ears. No matter how nice I am or how much I help her, I get no where with her.

I think the only reason she hasn't filed for divorce is because I am still around and I still help out. She's having her cake and eating it too. (this is my personal thought)

I told her I will be here waiting for us to start over, but the more and more we are apart, the less I feel sorry for anything and actually start feeling resentment for her leaving and breaking up our home.

I know I have a ton of my own personal issues to take care of, but that's why I'm still seeking professional help. Why she doesn't get help is beyond me. She only went to 2 sessions and that was it, I've been to 6 so far.

oh well. Only time will tell

My advice... Stop working for an specific outcome. At least w/re to your M. What I mean is, don't focus in on the things you need to do to save your R with your W. I know this sounds counterintuitive, but doing that only band aids the real problems.

Work on making the changes you need to make to be a better you. Don't work on making changes to be the man you think your W wants you to be.

I did that 2 years ago, and the fix is only temporary. We're now worse off and my W is filing for D without any interest in MC because she feels like we already tried it two years ago and it didn't work. Even though I feel that I have a much better understanding of what needs to change this time, she's giving up.

It is hard to remained focused on changing for yourself. It is hard to do it knowing that you can't expect or even look for a reaction or response from your W. But I have come to believe that it is the only real way to fix things. I am working from the point of view that no matter what happens between her and I, things will be better for me because I will be better for everyone else.