Post deleted by reba1975

Not sure really how to give you advice when you are not willing to be honest with your husband.

However, some say if you cheat and it was a just a one time thing, that it's better not to tell the other person, because alot of times people tell the other person to lift their own guilt.

Sounds like perhaps what you wanted was some self gratification, although you went about it the wrong way. I think you need to put yourself in his (husbands) shoes, how would you feel if he decided to meet up with another woman from his past and be intimate with her? Would you want to know?

I think you need to figure out why you cheated in the first place, why you initiated the meeting between you and an old flame, and start from there.

Reba,

If you arent willing to come clean with your husband, then all of the other advice we can give you would be useless. He has to know. In fact, he probably already knows. BSs deep down almost always know something, even if they dont know the details.

And in most cases, the details will come to them some way. He will either catch you, or someone will say something to him (maybe even the OM). You may think you are different, but we have seen it all here. And believe me, you wont be!

The good news is if you are willing to be honest with your husband, to establish no contact (NC) with the OM and have your husband help with that NC...and the two of you begin to learn the MB principles here and apply them, then your marriage can and will recover and flourish.

But, if you wont even do tha basic thing of being honest with your husband, then your marriage will be forever based on a lie. And he will know in some way or another. And there will always be a wall. And you two will never be as close as you can and should be.

And your marriage will most probably fail.

It is your choice. Honesty is the best route. Dishonesty almost always leads to a bad ending.

When you are ready to be honest with your husband, come on back here. We CAN help you and you two CAN have a great marriage.

Until then, we will pray that your husband does find out on his own, as he has a right to know.

You will not be able to cut it off with the OM as long as your husband does not know. You are an addict (just like people are addicted to gambling), and you need his help to prevent you from relapsing. It is MUCH better to tell him than for him to find out on his own. The longer your A goes on, the more difficult it will be to recover. You need to rip the bandage off quickly and get it over with instead of prolonging the agony. You aren't truly sorry for what you did if you don't confess. Trust me, he'll find out anyway. He probably already suspects something and is in the process of snooping.

Reba:

Just so you know, I have been there, done that.

But mine went on for 4.5 years.

MY W knew for sure about 3.5 years in. Even had who she thought it was.

But calculations on her part were wrong. Cause it was worse, much worse.

You are into this thing for 2 months.

You can stop it now, or later, doesn't matter. It's a choice. A choice I didn't make for 4.5 years.

What made my choice for me?

My W discovered this website 4 days before discovery day and told me to check it out.

She did alot of reading, and so did I, but we were reading in totally different areas.

With my realization that my affair wasn't special, and HOW I needed to change to become the H I was capable of being, I finally had the gumption to tell Other Woman (OW) that it was over.

What did she do? She called my W. AND told her what was going on.

Before Marriage Builders, that would have been all she needed to Divorce me.

After finding MB, we both knew what we had to do.

And we set out to do it.

Read His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) and Surviving an Affair (SAA) Just get them from this website. And YOU should read "This AFFAIR is OVER" A very slim volume, but oh so powerful.

Just order HNHN and SAA from this website. It will be the best investment in the rest of your M that you EVER make.

So.

You can think that it was an instant connection. It isn't. It just something new.

You can continue this until the OM calls your Husband, or the OM's wife/girlfriend calls your H, or someone sees you together and mentions it to your H.

You can continue to disrespect your marriage, and harming your children, (YES, YOU ARE! I didn't think I WAS, But I did!) your husband and what you really think of yourself.

And, my W came through like a trooper. SHE really saved this M. Yes, I stopped all contact with OW. I changed my behaviors and really, really finally opened up to my W.

And we are in such a better place now. A better Marriage than I had prior to the A.

You can to.

It starts with ending the A.

Then you tell your H.

Will he be angry, sad, disappointed, vengeful? Yes, and worse.

But if you do the right thing, and you do it now, then this time will pass.

Your old Boy friend? No further contact. ITS the only way.

And come back on. Others have done it. You can too.

It will get ugly, but it will not ever be as bad as you think, or as bad as it can become by continuing the affair.

LG

Post deleted by reba1975

Reba, I think that, on some level, you did know it would lead to this. You wanted it to lead to this. You wanted to feel wanted and desired.

Here's the thing though: It has already reached its peak. It wont ever be any better than it has already been, only worse. So, in some ways, it's already over between you and the other man. You're only going to hurt yourself, your husband, the other man, his wife, and all the children from here on out. The damage has been done.

Do you have the strength to clean up the mess and begin to repair the damage? If not for yourself or your husband, do it for all of these poor kids. They deserve it most of all.

Thanks for listening.

-Chris

do you take your 3 children to the motel with you when you are commiting adultery?

probably not ... who watches your 3 children while you are commiting adultery?

your husband?
a baby sitter?
your parents?
your sister?

after you finish commiting adulterous sex with a man who is not their father, do you hug and kiss your children with those same arms & lips that you just used to betray their father?

you are not only betraying your husband and yourself

you are betraying your children ~~~> BECAUSE you are putting your need to have sex with a fantasy ABOVE the safety and security of their home/family

each act of adultery puts YOUR sweet children AT RISK for growing up in a broken home

not to mention that there is probably another family (wife? kids?) who are also being put at risk .... this OM, is he married? does he have kids too?

adultery is cruel, not wonderful
adultery is dangerous not romantic

you must stop NOW or face some really awful things about yourself .... are you willing to risk your kids' happiness in order to feel like a teenager again?

methinks not

If he doesn't know now, he will. Waiting until he finds out will only make it worse. Lying by omission to your husband is just as bad as cheating. They are both in the ten commandments.


It obviously isn't over because you are still talking to him. Isn't that how it got started in the first place? You couldn't control yourself before, so what is different now? Even if you don't tell your H right away, you need to tell someone to help you overcome your addiction.


Let me try and give you a 2x4 to help you snap back into reality. You need to see OM for what he truly is. He is a POS who is cheating on his W and is willing to desert his own two children for an affair with a married woman. He is perfectly willing to tear two families apart because it "feels good." What does this say about his character? Don't you realize that if he does this to his wife, he'll do it to you as well? He's probably become disconnected from his wife by all the long hours he works, and instead of doing the hard work to reconnect with his wife, he has taken the easy way out by starting a new connection to someone else. There will be a pattern to his relationships. Ride out the high of the relationship until life and reality set in, and then move on and find another. You are not special to him. The feeling he gets with being with someone other than his wife is what is special. You were just a convenient target because of your history. Let me tell you this from a guy's perspective. Anytime a guy wants to meet up with an ex-girlfriend, it is to try and hook up. You could have come into this with the purest of intentions, but he didn't. He was unhappy in his marriage and was looking for some *ss. He identified you as a possibly willing target. He was right.

OM may be in a better financial situation NOW, but if he gets divorced, he'll lose most of it. There is no way that you could have a good life with OM after all the lives you destroyed in the process. His parents, your parents, all your children will likely disprove of the relationship. It wouldn't last. Over 95% of affair relationship don't make it past 5 years. Statistics don't lie.


You need to turn away from this addiction, otherwise it will destroy your life, your family's life, and his family's life. He makes you feel wanted and desired because he has alterior motives - to sleep with you. He is not your friend. He is an enemy to you and your family.

Do you believe in God? How can you reconcile this with Him? ****** is full of unrepentant adulterers. It is simple. Adultery is a sin. Lying is a sin. What you are doing is WRONG. You need to repent and ask forgiveness for your sins.

Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? You have been totally disrespecting and humiliating him. By the way if the OM was willing to cheat with you you can bet he would be willing to cheat on you. If your husband is such a great man then maybe he deserves the truth so he can decide how he wishes to live his life now and in the future. You made your husband look like a total fool. How sad for him - how sad for you.

Reba

honey

you can "delete" a post

but you cannot "delete" your adultery

come back when you are ready to become a loving wife to your husband and a devoted mother to your children

take care

get checked for STDs
do not become pregnant by OM

Pep

I don't understand why people post here for advice and then run away at the first sign that people aren't going to tell them what they want to hear.

If you want someone to give you bad advice but tell you what you want to hear go to gloryb.com. You'll fit right in there.

I feel so awful that is WHY I deleted my posts. I can not read what I wrote without feeling like I want to throw up. I also am having a very hard time reading what some of your are posting. I am a loving mother to my three children. They have NOTHING to do with what I have done and they have not be cast aside while I was fulfilling my own needs and desires. I can take the heat that some of you are willing to spew my way, but please do not talk about my children in a hateful or disgusting manner.

I have not talked to the OM and I am not going to. I am going to look at myself and change some things that need to be changed. Then I will look at my marriage and fix what I have broken. I know there are cracks that need repair, but if I can be 1/2 as devoted as I have been through the last 11 years that I have been with my H (3 dating-8 married), I will succeed. I guess I need to seek support from people that are not so willing to judge. This apparently is the wrong place for me and for that I am sorry. I am an awful, disgusting person that deserves the hatred of many, but I guess I also need the understanding of a few.

Reba,
I was an active wayward wife when I found MB. It really helped me... I was lucky in that I had several "understanding" people helping me as well as the more harsh ones. I hope that you continue to at least read the information here- it really does help and did save my marriage.

I read your first post before you deleted it. There are some things that make former betrayed spouses very angry, and they will come out swinging. Most of the people here are "betrayed" spouses. There are several former wayward spouses too, and they have been there done that. They understand you (like me). You are not an awful person; you made an awful choice. And you can fix it.

When you're ready, please come back. Do not write about how wonderful your affair partner is, or how your husband hasn't met your needs. The betrayed spouses will beat you to a pulp. And please do not suggest you will never tell your husband. One of the major MB principles is "radical honesty". It is necessary, and the people here will help you with that step. When you write for help here, focus your story on what you've done, and what you would like to change about yourself. The key here is that affairs come from inside. There is something that you're missing, and you need to find it. When you do, you will be on the road to recovery.

Blessings,
~Saturn

it is not as if you took the afternoon off without your children to go to college classes .... let's be honest

you are the enemy of the OM's wife and children BECAUSE what you have done is put THEIR security at risk

it does you NO GOOD to pretend that what you have been doing effects you and you alone

be honest

OK?

Pep

PS

I have no reason to "hate" you ... I don't know you

I do HATE adultery and the hurtful chaos that follows in the wake of such thoughtless pointless unnecessary actions ... for no damn good reason

it feels soooooooooo good to the adulterous to be in bed with someone else's husband or wife

and to everyone else it represents a death of hope, a hand grenade in the heart .... and the poor children do suffer

YOU and your marriage have a chance .... but not until you look at your choices without rose-colored glasses

the affair is garbage, nothing more

reba,

We wouldn't post on your thread if we weren't trying to help you. Yes, you have done a terrible thing, but I'm glad that you are here trying to help yourself. We are here to try and help you get through this. If we help you see that OM is a POS and what you are doing is hurting your children and husband, even though it may hurt to realize it, it will help you end your affair. It is called tough love. I know you don't want to hear all that we have to say, but we are saying it because we want to help you and your family. Telling your husband (although you can't see how it will help), is probably the best thing that you can do to end your affair and save your M. Trust us. We've been through this. My W cheated on me last summer and fall. I would have loved for her to come clean and end it on her own, but she couldn't. It made recovery a heck of a lot more tough. We are trying to use our experience to help you. Whether or not you choose to accept our help is your call. Adultery is ugly. I'm sure you don't like hearing some of our responses. Good, this means that you are starting to realize what you have done and might take the steps to atone for your mistakes. I wish you the best. Please listen to the posters here. We have so much experience in the subject. Just look at Pep's post count. She has like 18,000+ posts. She's helped a lot of people.

Reba,

I read your orginal post and when I read it seems like you are very confused in what to do. I'm a FWW and have recently ended my A. I also, posted on this sited below your post title Just Had Affair.

I believe posting here helped me to end my A. The people here said some things the hurt my heart, but then how do you think my husband must feel?

Throughout my post I took the same stance as you to never tell my husband because of the fear of losing him and breaking up my family, but with all the excellence advice that I recieved. I am now considering telling my H.

What I have learned since this A is that nobody's exempt from having one. Before I was so gun struck on never cheating and looked down upon anyone who did. I thought they were the worst people who existed. Now here I am.

The lesson is to never look down upon anyone because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. You and I made a mistake and you must start right now making it right. I can't tell you to go and tell your husband because I have not told mines. But I can tell you to stop all contact with this OM. Yes it is hard, but it's much harder to lose your husband and break up your family.

You are still a good mother just one who made a horrible mistake. I too had affair with married man with children and became emotionally attached the physical part was also not good. Which made the situation even worst because my husband and I have an awesome sex life and here I am putting that on jeopardy for mediocre sex. Shame!Shame!

Please Keep posting these people care and they will help you they. Think about it if you can't take there responses how do you think you husband is going to respond. It will be a lot harsher then theres, so tough through their comment and learn and get rid of this OM.

How horrible for a man to walk away from his family for sex. This man character is as small as an ant.

Nlf

NLF. Great to see you on the forum again. I hope you keep us updated. I was going to post to "Look at your posts", but you beat me to it.

Understandable, Reba. It is the fact that you are feeling these things that gives all of us hope for your marriage. It should give you hope too.

No one has done this, Reba. No one has said anything about your children. What they have said is what you have been doing to your children. Pep is right. You cant have adultery and not affect EVERYONE in your family. Your family is the security of your children. It is what gives them life, direction. It is where they are always accepted. It is where things make sense, after a day where they are out and nothing makes sense.

And then one day, because Mom decided to get involved with another man, their lives are shattered. Their security gone. The moral basis of their lives is now in question. Many kids even start to believe it is their fault...if only they had been better or done better.

One thing you need to do above all else in this is to accept what you have done. In its entirety. And it isnt just your husband that you have hurt and risked. We dont say this to "bash" you. We are saying this because truth and reality is what will put this in the past. It is what will allow you, and your husband, to be able to build the marriage both of you want and deserve. But without truth...the whole truth...then the marriage will be built on lies and half-truthes). And it will forever be handicapped! And like I said, we have hope for your marriage. But without truth and honesty...to yourself and to others...then it is rather hopeless.

This is good...but only a first step.

Good. Hopefully one of those things is to begin to have complete, and open honesty with your husband. There are no secrets in good marriages!

How can you? You werent the only one that caused the marriage to get where it is. So, without your husband's help, your changes will mean very little. The ONLY way to fix your marriage is for BOTH of you to do so. And in order to do that, BOTH of you need to understand everything that has gone on, why it has happened, and what needs to be done to correct these things.

Too many "I's"!!! Not enough "we's"!! As I said, you cannot do this alone. And your husband cannot help until he understands exactly what has happened in his marriage and where it is now. I say this with absolute certainty!

Okay, the pity-party is NOT what you need! No one is judging you, Reba. Some of the people that will help you here are ex-WW's. And guess what? They will tell you the same things everyone else is telling you! We dont cut any slack here. Dr. Harley is the world renowned expert on marriage and especially on building loving marriages. He is THE expert on recoverying from adultery. Read his books. Read the other parts of this website and what he says. He is saying exactly what we are telling you. Now, you can go off and try to do things on your own...in your won way. But that is what you did in the adultery. That is what you did before the adultery, so that your marriage slid to the point where you went out and did what you did. So, how is that working for you? How is doing this your way working for you? Reba, we are hard on people, especially WSs that continue to justify either the affair or justify continued inaction and lying to their spouses. Continued disrespect. Everyday you dont tell your husband, is another day that you heap disrespect upon him.

No one hates you here, Reba! But we also do not enable people here. Sure, we understand. We have all been thru this. Dr. Harley understands!

Where you give love and understanding here is when you are willing to do the things that need to be done to make things right...and for your marriage to recover. If you have ended contact with the OM, then that is one step. But that is only the first. If you are to choose to skip many of the other steps to save yourself embarassment, hurt, etc...then I can promise you this...

Your marriage will not fully recover. There will be walls...and both of you will feel that something isnt right. You wont feel close...not as close as you need. And then who knows? Maybe your husband will head out and find someone and commit adultery?!?! Maybe he will feel the need to get close to someone else...because he doesnt feel close to his wife. Or maybe you both will just decide to divorce. Or maybe you both live in a king of perpetual numbness, too afraid to be honest and not willing to divorce.

You want these things for you? For your husband? For your kids?

I say again...honesty is the ONLY way out of this. You NEED your husband. You need him to get it. You need for him to understand everything, so that he can meet your needs properly, as well as you meeting his.

Reba, you can choose to leave. But the words you have heard here will haunt you as you go along. You will wake up many days and go "they were right." We have seen many leave and then come back later saying "I made a mistake...I should have listened!"

We would love to help you and your husband and kids. We know that your marriage can be saved and be what it should be. And we know how that is accomplished. If you want to go another way, then so be it. We can only help the willing.

But if you choose to stay, you will receive counsel that is based upon sound principles. You will get a hug when needed...but also a kick in the pants when needed.

It is your choice here. You have made poor choices as of late. Why not start making some good ones? We can help with that. And we want to help.

It is your call.