My husband and I had a "discussion" yesterday. I was pretty upset, being that it was mother's day and I hadn't received a card from him. Prior to this day, I asked what he would be getting me, and of course I was kiding. I am happy with a card. Well, he said nothing because I was not his mother. He lived up to it. i went to work at 12p.m.on mother's day and didn't get a card from him until 7p.m. that afternoon, along with a dvd. He wasn't even home when I got home. he was with his family having lunch. Well, I told him that his girls and I should be the most important thing in his life and he suggested that the most importatnt thing in his life was his mother and i was in second and that was not going to change. What do I do? I feel like I am not important at all. how do I change his mind. Or there is no hope. I mean we made up, but nothing was settled. Just the fact that I come in second to his mom.

Well...

this is a difficult one, I can see his perspective, and yours. On one hand, he does spend more time with you and perhaps felt a "duty" to spend time with his mother (she did give him life, after all), and you aren't his mother..

however, you ARE the mother of his children, and I feel that maybe he should of been considerate to your wants as well. Maybe you could ask him in the future to split the day with BOTH of you, instead of a full day pledged only to his mother. Or you could try to get the day off and you guys could goto his mother's together?

You have to ask yourself, when you are older and your children get married, would you want them to not come see you because they are too busy with themselves? Or would you want them to spend half the day with you, and half with their families?

I'd suggest re-opening the conversation with him, and try coming of non aggressively. Ask him to try to imagine himself in your shoes, or ask him how he'd feel if you and the kids went to your dad's house for fathers day.. for the WHOLE day. Maybe he'll understand more.

well, I don't mind him seeing his mother. That didn't bother me. What bothered me is that He is married now and his family should be his priority. I spend more time with family than I do him. A few weeks ago, she (His mother) sent an e-mail to all her kids that she wanted flowers sent to her job for her b-day, in addition she wanted all of them to pitch in for new windows for her house. what gives. Of course, they were sent, but I drew the line on the the windows. A week later she needed her yard mowed. Well, there he goes after working a 40 hour week and not seeing his daughters but a few (three) hours a day. Those weekends should be spent with them, not doing manual labor. Don't take me wrong, i love my mother-n-law and she's always been kind to me, but he and she needs to understand that there are other priorities in his life. he came home that night tired, a mess at the house, and the girls went to bed late. Might I add that he used to be in the military. Who cut her yard then. she is not disabled, or old (she's 55) and he is not the only child she has. I mean I try to help him at home and every now and then and I mow our lawn so he doesn't have to or do yard work. I did it even when I was pregnant. I just don't like it when I am not consulted about things.

Ah don't fret too much. If he's a wonderful son he will, eventually, be a wonderful husband once he reorganises his priorities. Just don't fret if you can avoid it.
Would you like your H if he was scum with his parents?

Incidentally, you should be married to my H and see what in-laws interfering can do to your M: my children and I have spent Summer vacations alone for a number of years because H spent his vacation leave ... with his parents. They took him on trips and stuff and I was not even invited.
If I wanted to go I had to:
1. get someone to take care of two toddlers for 1 or 2 weeks (yeah right);
2. pay for my own travel and accomodation expenses (impossible for the places my in-laws picked).

On the other hand, H was not even there when my (his!) first child was born. Possibly because I was just his wife and not someone very important like his father, his mother or his siblings.

I confess, I let resentment build up.
It has taken me to the verge of divorce.

So don't do that.

Tell your H you admire him for being such a loving son but that his family needs him too and to please reorganise his priorities so that everyone is happy.
Then, try to be as accomodating as possible, BUT NOT TOO MUCH!!!

good luck

BB