Someone on this board once mentioned the Secret to me, the so called "new thought" book about positive thinking. I'm exploring the book and the ideas more lately, and it's actually helping me. I've been so focused on what my ex did wrong rather then my own positive self growth. So I've had some "relevations" recently... the book believe we attract people for a reason. So many of us wound up in very disfunctional marriages, but what were we doing to attract this in our lives? And if we continue to think negative thoughts and dwell, then we are going to attract only more negatives in our lives. How can we turn the crisis of divorce around, heal and learn to dwell on the positives, focusing our ourselves.

I'm wondering if in my marriage - I hadn't constantly focused on the negatives in my ex - and I'd focused instead on his positives if I would have brought out the best in him? I think that I came from such a conservative home, where expectations were high that I may have expected too much. At the very least I was so focused on his weaknesses rather then strengths. Even today in dealing with him for our son's sake I'm going to try to reverse this - for my own sake - think about his "positive" strengths - try to ingore the bad or at the very least stop dwelling on it. And then become the best, most positive person I can be. If the Secret is right, then he'll either be attracted to my new thought process - or he'll be repelled by it.

Anyone else been reading the Secret and learning about the Law of Attraction? Nicole Kidman said that this book was important to her repairing her marriage with the nimwit country singer that drank and cheated on her. What do you think she meant? She could have focused on the worst - as I did in my marriage - and she'd be divorced. Or she could "believe" that this man would quit drinking and cheating, ignore all of the thoughts of others, and just look - she saved a marriage that no one thought could be saved - in front of millions who followed this story of her and Keith Urban (is that the right name?)... This goes against modern psychology - and I've been to a few of those shrinks lately that want me to dwell on my childhood for goodness sake to "heal" myself. I could spend hours and hours doing this, but truth is I likely had one of the best childhoods of anyone I know, every family has it's disfunctions - and according to the Secret we are to let the past go - and focus on what it takes to be happy NOW. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I have a feeling that this journey of mine (coupled with yoga, mediation, eating better, exercising, meditating, etc) is certainly better then dwelling on the negatives - whining forever about what my ex did to me. According to this thought, it doesn't even matter what he did to me, who he is, if I'm positive, dwell on the positives this will either attract or rebel him. If I dwell on the negatives, the Secret or not, certainly nothing positive can come out of it - but more negatives, more distrust in my own life - with or without him.

Hi Horsey - I have been thinking about picking up"The Secret" too.

I don't believe that positive thinking can change someone else. I do believe it can change the "thinker".

I was positive about loving my WH, I was positive that our M would last and last, I was posititve that he was a good man with many good qualities. I was not negative in thought or actions against him. We were a couple that never argued, (but probably because I was a stepford wife).

The negativity only began AFTER I caught him. I agree that my negativity towards him, created many arguements that didn't exist before.
There is no way I could think positively about a serial cheat. For a long time, I kept thinking positive thoughts, that our M would recover, that he would stop cheating, that he did love me, and he was just caught up in the drinking, strip bars, etc. and he proved me WRONG.

I am shocked that for all you have gone thru you would say this:


I do think letting go of the negativity towards him is great for your own healing and moving forward with your life, and maybe attracting a good relationship your way. But, if you pick up the rug and sweep all he did to you under it, you give him the opportunity to do it to you AGAIN.

HUGS

ITHURTS,

I don't think it's the idea that positive thinking changes someone else, but it changes us. It changes the way we treat the someone else. And that causes a different behavior in the someone else.

I have always been a very firm believer in that principle (I've not read the book yet, I intend to).

There's always the story that is told of the woman who bumped into the pastor at the grocery store who had been counseling her marriage. The pastor asked her how things were going and she said they were horrible and she was getting ready to divorce him. She said she was so mad she wanted to hurt him as bad as she could on the way out. The pastor told her in order to hurt him the most, she should do the following. Before she leaves, for one month she should say nice things to him every morning when he gets up and every day when he gets home and every night before they go to bed. Before she leaves she should do everything he wants, wait on him hand and foot, serve him to no end. And he told her, that way when you leave him, he won't see it coming and he'll realize what he's lost.

A few months later, she crossed the pastor at the local shopping mall. He asked her if she had left her husband yet. She responded, "What, leave him, I have the best husband in the world."

Now... I'm not suggesting that woman should wait on their husbands hand and foot, day and night. And I am suggesting this applies equally to us morons of men that hurt the woman we love (I'm not referring to physical abuse here) and don't realize it until it's too late (and often don't realize it then either).

But I do know first hand that being consistently nice and building your partner up and displaying affection and doing sweet things even when your partner is not deserving of it goes miles to improve and preserve a relationship. It's not the cure all and doesn't by itself make a marriage work, but I assure you, whether you are the man or the woman, if you consistently build your partner up and treat them with respect, in most cases, they will respond in loving and caring ways and you will bring a completely different personality and even person out of them.

And if they don't, then you can know it's not your fault.

In my marriage, though it's no excuse, things really went down hill when my wife stopped speaking to me and gave me the cold shoulder all the time (this started 2 months in). This treatment was over a disagreement about money. Two hours later I forgot we were even disagreeing. She remembered for weeks forward. It was so oppressive to me that I used the word "intolerable" to describe the living situation with a woman I adored and worshipped even in the midst of it. But it wore down on me. I became severely depressed (not because of that alone and I don't blame her for it). I withdrew. I became grumpy. Each attempt I made to show affection was rejected. I regularly brought flowers and gifts and cards and before they were appreciated, now they were just set aside and I'd get an insincere thanks (sometimes). I slowy became more critical. I begin pushing issues that weren't important just to get an interaction with my wife. I self destructed in the midst of it and I have only myself to blame, but I do know that it was an action/reaction situation. I didn't know how to deal with it and so I just made things worse.

Horsey,

I'm going pick up the book tomorrow while I'm in town. You've caught my interest on that particular one and I can't wait to read it now...

Thirddivorce, if you are a geek you can read it in a day. Let me know what you think. I do think you are right, treat someone with respect and kindness and they'll typically show it in return. Be a psycho Bit#h and guess what? You get a blankity blank husband in return. Ok, he was already blankity blank in some ways but being a bit#h made it worse, trust me on this. It takes two. If one person can be positive even with a jerk, things change. People either are attracted or repel from positive thinking. Read it. Hurry. I need your thoughts. How's life with you by the way? Are you winning at poker? Have you seen the new Drew Barrymore poker movie? I'm nuts for new movies, it was quite good although I still can't figure out what game they were playing, some version of poker....