like LB's or EN identification...

DDay was April 20 - wife continued contact. After committing to break contact, reestablishing contact, moving out to her mom's for a week, she finally had a breakdown and came home - crying, verge of hysteria over what she had done to us, kids, etc.

That was Sat. night...

It's now Monday. She's much calmer now, and while she's not as adamant about 'whatever it takes to work on our marriage' as she was when she came home Sat night, remains committed in words to working on it.

Ive discussed a couple of the topics from SAA - things like identifying LB's, both our EN's, but she seems resistant. Doesn't want to do any paperwork, fill out forms, read, etc.

Should I back off and allow her to continue to calm down, or press forward for this? My fear is that she will crack and return to relationship w OM... or that as time passes she will lose any sense of urgency or dedication towards working together on this.

She's stated repeatedly prior to the big emotional break that this was 'her problem' not mine, and insisted that only she could work it out - refusing couples counseling but instead opting for individual counseling... when she returned on Sat she agreed to change approaches, but seems she's returning to making it her issue...

advice?

Has she ended all contact with the OM? Will she send him a no contact letter as outlined in SAA?

As far as pushing the MB principles, I would let her get through withdrawal FIRST and then carefully introduce them in a way that does not come across as educating her.

she says she has terminated contact for good this time. She ended it with him on Sat. before coming home to me. This is the 2nd time she has told me that she's ending it with him, but she says that 'this time she really means it...'

So its been since Sat.

She can't send a letter - claims she doesn't know his physical address - only his email. I don;t want to encourage her to use that... I had discovered part of the A thru email, and they had since stopped it and rolled entirely onto cell and txtmessages. So I'm hesitant to encourage her to email him, for fears that he might restart communication that way.

It is a good will gesture on her part to write the letter together. It should be mailed by you. That will help her EARN TRUST with you. Doesn't he live with his parents or something?

I thought OM lived in your neighborhood. How big is your neighborhood?

Go to Yahoo or hotmail and sign up for a free email account. Have WW sitting with you when you do it. Pick a good name. Something like "deathtojockitch@yahoo.com". Okay maybe not. Anyway, when it is time to enter the password, have WW turn away and you enter the first half. The you turn away and she enters the second half. Repeat when you confirm the password. Then you will have an email account that neither one of you can use alone because neither one knows the whole password. I did that with my WW's secret email account.

Or else have ML send the email on your behalf. She'll scare the bejeebers out of him for you.

On a separate note, it took a long time for your marriage to get to this point. It looks like you are salvaging it. But it won't be overnight.

FBS:

Reveal HNHN and SAA when YOU understand them....

And I'm not trying to be harsh

You really need to understand whats in HNHN and SAA before you really start really working with WS.

Why? because she's not interested right now, and you need to go with plan A, to bust up the affair and to make the enviornment of you M better so that when you start talking HNHN and EN and what's in SAA. THe priniciples you start living by, by understanding HNHN and SAA w ill make quite the impression on you WW. And when the ground is fertile enough, you can introduce them.

LG

neighborhood has ~1200 single family homes, >100 condos and just recently opened a 400 unit apartment complex that is part of 'the neighborhood' - so yeah, its kinda big.

I ride my bike at night for clarity and time to think. If I do the "ride every road" loop, where I keep turning left out of my street its > 10 miles, and thats not including the condo or apt sections.

He's in here - and the funny thing is I never thought of it until I came home after a 5 mi run last night. Walked in, walked up to her and asked if he lived in the neighborhood - she said yeah,but didn't know where. Claims to have never seen him once in here - with this size place, its possible.

Now I freak every time a truck drives by my house.

Yes - he lives at home with mommy. 26 and still at home. Gotta love it.

I'm chilling - starting HNHN tonight. Just finished SAA this afternoon. Won't press it.

We talked a little just before she went to bed (just now). I told her I'm going to stop asking 'how was today' with that look and tone, but that I am counting on her to tell me if/when/how contact EVER occurs, ever again. Right away. Any less is unacceptable. She agreed.

I'm a great guy. I struggle with impatience (true type a male, problem solver, workaholic, etc) so its real tough just to 'sit' and talk about everything else but the big elephant in the room - but I'm working on it.

Gonna enroll us in dance lessons tomorrow. She has said she wants to learn how to salsa... I cannot STAND dancing, so hopefully she'll see how serious about this I truly am!

Well at least not as big as Alpha Centauri is in the neighborhood of our solar system kind of big.

Stop seeing OM in every shadow. He is not your problem. Some day you will understand that. Today obviously isn't that day.

LG was right. It probably took me at least a year to truly grasp what Plan A was about. ML will tell you it took me longer but don't listen to her (I don't).



Right now she is going to tell you what you want to hear. Stop asking. You won't know if it is tru or not. I had a conversation a long time ago with my WW while we were in MC. She promised to tell me if OM ever tried to contact her. Long story short - she lied.



At least you don't have any problems with self-esteem. That's a plus.



Take estrogen. Seems to work for the women.



Look at this as an activity that WW likes and time you two can spend together. If you present it to her as "see how much I care about you? I'm doing what I hate for you", you're not likely to win many points.

What you need to do here and if you truly understood what Plan A was about and how to apply SAA is you need to learn to like to dance. Period. That is changed behavior.

I'll tell you some of my experience. After Dday, OM was still around and we have a VERY small neighboorhood. They also had intermediaries who would pass letters, cellphones, etc. I worried myself silly trying to keep all these people (including OM) away from my WW. Paranoia will do that. Maybe at first that was helpful.

One day WW was in the store and a friend of OM's gave her some letters. WW took the letters and read them (the ones I found much later). So what was wrong or who was at fault? Was the person giving the letters wrong? In a sense, yes - because he was an enabler of the A and as such deserves to burn in he!! forever. But that is between him and God and I think I know which side of the fence God will fall on that one.

WW never had to accept the letters. She could have said "no". By accepting the letters, she kept the A alive in her mind, she encouraged OM to send more letters and she encouraged the soon-to-to-be-burning enabler.

I love my WW. I don't blame any other man for finding her attractive. I don't blame your OM for wanting to continue the relationship if your WW is as wonderful as you say she is. I blame her for acting on that information. I blame my WW for crossing the boundary of the A.

If your WW wants to cheat on you, she will cheat on you. No amount of vigilance can stop that. The only thing vigilance will do is make you aware of it.