There are a lot of posts explaining the Carrot of Plan A, but can we discuss perfecting the stick of Plan A?

I needed to stick last night, and am looking for posts on how to effectively whack the WS without ruining what has been a really good Plan A.

Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm not the expert, but the stick of plan A to me is two parts. First...exposure. It brings out the affair so that everyone is aware of it, and if done right it will put pressure on the WS to end the affair. Hopefully the people that you expose to will HELP you to end the affair, by not allowing the affair partners to use them to enable the affair, and by putting pressure on the WS to end it and reconcile.

The other part of the stick is to allow the WS to suffer the consequences of their affair. If they moved out, the BS shouldn't finance the move, shouldn't assist in their move out. The WS should be the one to 'explain' to everyone why they're moving out...but the BS should make sure that the story being told is an HONEST one. The BS should also not shield them WS in any other way from the effects of the affair...if it was a workplace affair, then the WS should face the consequences there without interferance from the BS. And the BS should make it very clear that the WS is responsible for all the emotional trauma caused by the affair to family, friends, etc...

And they should make it clear that there is a path back...and that they'll work hard to ensure that they are willing to work with them to repair the damage done by the affair with everyone...it shows them that getting out of the affair is less painful than staying in it.

My thoughts at least...I'm sure you'll get other more expert opinions.

The stick is exposure, defending your boundaries, and making the WS face the consequences of their actions.

I began the "carrot/stick" movement years ago because I was sick & tired of newbie BS's saying "I've tried being NICE, it did not work."

There was a common misconception that Plan A meant being "NICE" in the face of insulting/humiliating/mean WS behavior.... in other words HELPLESSNESS and VICTIMIZATION

and I was sick of it

so I wrote carrot/stick to help the BS who needed to add more "meat" to their Plan A

and a way to act on behalf of their own best interests while still meeting the waywards' REASONABLE emotional needs

does that help?


Pep

The other part of "the stick" that has been kinda mentioned as part of "consequences" is "confrontation". Stopping the lovebusters doesn't mean being dishonest about how hurtful the affair is to the BS or the children....even the extended family. Stopping lovebusters doesn't mean you need to remain quiet while your heart is being ground into the cement. It is very possible to express, expound, expose....confront....without demands, angry outbursts, dishonesty etc. Confrontation is about honesty and assertiveness....and too often it's neglected. It's exceedingly hard to be calm and composed during these painful times. Exposure and Confrontation create those consequences that others have spoken of.

OK..this helped me A LOT. Thanks so much for the clarification!

*Star is exactly correct ... the confrontation with dignity is VERY difficult to pull off at first ... but certainly not impossible in the weeks following the initial discovery