I am 43 years old. After 19 years of marriage, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. We have been separated for 2 months now. My wife has just ended an affair that started almost three years ago. During those three years, I used alcohol to cope. By the end, I was drinking a half pint of Jack Daniels every day.

After we separated, I was able to get my drinking under control. I began to immerse myself in articles on Drinking, separation, divorce, infidelity, etc. It was almost an obsession with me. I have always loved my wife, and once I understood the dynamics of infidelity, I decided that I wanted to try to work things out.

After two months, and a lot of work, my wife has said that she would also like to work things out. The problem I am having is timing. She just broke off her affair a week ago. I want to get into counseling and begin to work things out, but my wife is going to individual counseling, and she says she is not ready to go to counseling as a couple.

We have been spending a lot of time together. We ride bikes together, we jog, we share meals, and we visit. The only rule we have is that we are not going to discuss our problems (drinking/infidelity) until we see a councilor.
This arrangement has worked for the past few weeks, but my patients are running out. My feelings for my wife have grown, and I want to move forward, but I don't know how to proceed.

I would appreciate any advice.

The best thing you can do is to do kind things for her, build her up, continue what you are doing and avoid the problem topics until you see the counselor or coach.

Remember, this may be your only chance at a second change. One wrong step and it could be gone forever. I know its hard. This is a lesson I need to learn myself as I fail miserably at this over and over again.

But if she's worth having and worth fighting for, make yourself be still for a bit. It takes time to rebuild the affect. Keep making deposits into the love bank. I'm not saying to ignore the problems or push them aside, but be patient, no matter how difficult that is.

And consider using the Coaching Center at Marriage Builders instead of a local counselor. I believe strongly that coaching is better than counseling. See the articles here and elsewhere on this topic. The couching will focus on getting past the problems and reconnecting rather than on digging endless as to what the problems are. You both know what is wrong. You may have some work to do to understand and identify why things happened the way they did, but if that's what you focus on right now, the problems and the causes, you will be dwelling in the hurt when you desperately need to be reconnecting and dwelling in good times together.

Does that make sense?

Welcome, Losinit, to Marriage Builders.

Would you consider moving your post to Infidelity General Questions II forum? It gets the most traffic on MB and can answer your question, give you insight and support, from people who have been where you are.

There's a whole recovery forum, as well. Thirddivorce gave you great advice...my suggestion is like an invitation for the long haul.

You get to pick your goal...and I got that you want to save your marriage. Stick with it because it's your goal...and your patience will be added to...you're not doing this for anyone else but you and your marriage. You are already doing a lot that Harley advises on recovery.

If you cut and paste your post to the other forum, will you also include if your WW has gone no contact? Has been transparent with where she is, who she's communicating with (offers you cell records, accountability and other ways which she used to have her A?).

This is important for you to choose how to save your marriage...there are plans...Plan A and Plan B. They are covered in Harley's "Surviving an Affair" and I hope this is one of the books you read.

LA