Immediately after D-Day, my WW moved out to "get space", & other fog-alese reasons. During all this time, she's been allowing me to meet her ENs, and has been w/ me and our kids almost all the time: having dinners together, going to the beach over spring break, spending Mother's Day at the park, etc. Basically, she's acting the good mother & wife at her convenience while she lives away from home in her own apartment as a bachelorette.

She refuses to come clean about this guy she works with (of course, she's a WW). She claims they're just friends, and recently started working for him on the side to help him with his business. It is painfully obvious she's involved w/ this OM, as her cell ph. records show calls b/w them all day long, some for an hour or longer, and some in the middle of the night (2am just this past Saturday!).

So I'm just about ready to go into a dark Plan B, as I really cannot take this any longer. I've read SAA and HNHN, and just don't see myself putting up w/ this for another 2.5 months to meet the 6 mo. minimum. Since my WW separated from me anyway, is it time I move forward to Plan B?

Updated to 3.5 months, not 4.5, guess I forgot to count from the anxiety I was having yesterday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How full is your love bank? Are you losing all your love for her?

You filed for divorce a month ago. What is her reaction to your filing? To your getting full custody?

SadPunk,

You need to expose to OMW and OM employer (he's using a company phone to carry on an affair) before you go to plan B. A PI can get his number for around $100. Once you've exposed, let your WW cool off for a couple weeks, and then, boom, hit her with plan B. Exposure is your greatest weapon, and I'd hate for you not to have used it before plan B.

Hard to say where my LB is, today after seeing the 85 min. cell ph. call yesterday evening, and a 2am "booty" call this past Sat., it feels pretty empty.

She still hasn't been served yet. When I brought up filing for custody, she was initially furious and said she would never ever let me win custody. A couple days later when I told her I actually filed, her initial reaction was she was not surprised. She says she doesn't want a D, but if that's what I want, if that's what'll make things easier for me, to go ahead and do it. She's basically apathetic.

Since I told her I filed, we've still been doing the part-time family thing, and I believe I've been meeting her ENs well. The few times the D petition has been mentioned, she has also said she will probably get a lawyer. She's also skeptical of me filing, as she's yet to be served.

I'll admit, I've had so many mixed feelings about filing, that I've repeatedly told WW that I would have the D dismissed, that I regret filing it. What I do know is that I regret filing it so early during Plan A, as I know now her threats were empty. My dilema now is that if I have it dismissed, I will never be able to use the evidence I submitted w/ it (photos, emails, etc.), thereby never having the upper hand again that I have now.

I've tried to expose to OM's W, but the PeopleFinder search only brought up OM's parents. I did expose to them, as well as WW's parents whom I kept the A from for almost 3 months to give WW a chance to come clean and not shame her. WW was livid, and her reaction that night is what drove me to file for D.

OM co-owns his business w/ his brothers, so I did not feel it worth the $ to find out how to contact them. I do want to expose to OM's W, but I do not have the time or $ to continue exposing any further, being a single dad and getting virtually 0 financial support from WW (we were a dual income family).

If you want to save your M, you need to expose to OMW regardless of the cost (likely only $100-150). Put it on your credit card. She'll likely have to pay half of it as well. No excuses, SadPunk, just do it!

(((MB 2x4)))

Thanks Jim, that's just it, maybe I'm starting to not want to save my M. Hard to follow Dr. Harley's Plan A according to the book when WW moved out. What really has me in a bind is the D I filed...according to my lawyer, having it dismissed means I will not be able to file again on the same grounds of adultery and reuse the evidence I submitted (double jeapardy I guess). Then again, she hasn't even been served yet, so maybe I can drag this thing out longer to do more Plan A before going to Plan B.

I'm at such as loss as to what to do, filing for the D really screwed up my ability to follow the plans... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sadpunk,

Because of the children and to protect your financial interests I don't believe you made a mistake in filing. You would have had to file something for protection since she moved out.

I don't understand why if you know who OM is you cannot expose to his wife, though. Is he separated or something?

I would continue to Plan A until she is served and then I would do a complete 180, where you are no longer meeting her needs. You are meeting your own needs and showing her what she is losing. The others may feel that Plan B would be more effective but as you say you have already filed for divorce. Hopefully others can weigh in on this.

Also make sure that she is to pay child support. Hard to live the single life when you are supporting the care of your children. She should be paying temporary support already. When will this happen?

Thanks Weaver.

I hate being all over the place, it's so hard to stick to a plan.

Ok, maybe I'll continue Plan A. Last night WW and I had a long phone conversation, and it went pretty good, no LBing by either of us when R/M talk came up. She sensed something was bothering me, and I reluctantly told her that I'm still not comfortable about her relationship to this OM, and that I'm struggling w/ trusting her. Her basic response was that she understands how I feel.

I didn't push the issue and asked again for the upteenth time if she's having an A. She didn't offer any more denials or further explainations on the things about this OM I've confronted her with before. I'm done with asking her point blank as that's gotten me nowhere.

She again suggested we spend some time alone, like a day trip somewhere. After that conversation, it's harder now for me to go dark when she's still so willing to at least allow me to meet her ENs. Granted, I'm barely getting mine met as she's only giving me crumbs, but still, maybe I should take advantage of this?

Since the D is taking a while to even get served, I like your suggestion to continue Plan A until she's served.

I have looked into a PI, and will probably go ahead and see if I can get a ph # for the OMW. Lord, I know exposure is the right thing to do, it's just so time consuming and emotionally draining, as I would much rather be expending my energy towards other things.

Yes, I filed for primary custody of my kids, and child support from her.

Do the day trip with her, and have a really great day as a family unit.

If you are going to to do another month or so of Plan A, make it a good one.

Part of Plan A is showing a new and improved you. It is creating attraction as well.

Throw a little mystery into the equation.

So many guys on this forum do not understand the power of a little mystery. And I don't mean jeoulousy kind of mystery as you have affairs of your own under your belt. Not being so obvious and no neediness whatsoever.

Sad,

I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing that you went ahead and filed for D. In some states (and they will tell you this doesn't matter but it does) it is better for file first with cause.

Divorce is just a piece of paper. If she truly wants to be part of "the family" she will not let a piece of paper stand in her way. I never got to do plan B because like your situation my best opportunity for custody of our young son was there and then. The timing would never be any better with what she was doing, had done and the person she was linked at the hip with. I don't regret it. She knew up until the Judge gave his judgement that she could change all of this but she chose OM over everything else in the end and is on a path to destruction as we speak.

I quit trying to save her and saved me and my son. I hope for our kids (we had a step daughter who was "my little girl" for all practical purposes) sake that she gets it someday and becomes a better mother, mate, friend, etc. Right now the problem that had her begin her affair is the same problem that keeps her where she is, selfishness, stubborness, pride and entitlement.

Protect your children first. The door is open to the WW until you close it.

We've already been doing a lot of activities together w/ the kids since she moved out, and it wasn't until recently she's agreed we should spend some time alone together w/o our kids. So I guess that's a good thing?

I would really like to hear from FWWs on their take on my WW's behavior. Is her openness to spending time w/ me and allowing me to meet her ENs a sure sign she's not in an A, OR could she be struggling w/ being "in love" w/ 2 men, OR could she simply be failing to see the danger in having such a close "friendship" w/ this OM???

My lawyer told me the same, that it would slightly help me by filing first w/ cause.


That was my rationalization when I filed. The night I exposed to OM's parents, WW returned to the home after she left for the evening. She was fuming, and after her rant, she demanded to see my kids after they were asleep. I refused to let her, as she had no valid reason to check on them, and I wasn't going to let her anywhere near them in the state of mind she was in.

Sigh, I guess I have to get my priorities straight and continue putting my kids first. I have told WW when I filed that I'm only giving up on our current crappy M, that I'm not giving up on us. I have heard the stories about couples getting remarried after divorcing, so maybe that's the path my WW will put in front of her.

SP, remember filing a petition for divorce and getting the final decree are two well-separated events, and your attorney can make sure they are stretched even further if that's what you want. There can be plenty of time between filing and finality for her to come to her senses.

Hang in there, pardner. The road gets bumpy now and again, but you're going to make it through.

Huh? I've never heard of such a thing and I've been a paralegal for over 15 years. Double Jeopardy usually refers to criminal matters. You CAN refile using the same grounds and evidence, however, SHE could use the fact that you dismissed the first one to try and weaken the impact of the evidence you currently have on file.

If you began having SF with her again and maintain the same household, there's a concept called "condoning the adultery." In such circumstances, I understand one cannot use information from before the resumption of SF and the marital home. Could that be what the attorney is thinking of?