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What do you make of a couple who have been dating for 15 months and exclusive for 7 months and have never said those three little words outloud. She has said them in emails and offline messages but never outloud in person, on the phone and never while online together. He has never said it offline, online, in emails, on the phone or outloud while together. She is very tempted to blurt them outloud but is afraid of the reaction she will get due to past rejection and insecurities. She has wanted to start a conversation about the subject but can't seem to find the right comfortable words. She knows without a doubt that he cares very deeply for her and her children and she knows that he came from divorced parents who didn't openly show affection to one another. (btw he's an only child)

What would you do?
single choice
Votes accepted starting: 05/15/07 10:06 PM
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Me, 43
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Perhaps he is not yet ready for that phase of the relationship. Whether they are 'acting' in love or not, he may not actually be in love.

Those three little words say so much more.
Commitment
Devotion
Exclusivity
Can't wait to see you again, to talk to you, to hold you, to touch you.
My heart beats faster and my mood brightens when I simply think of you.
Those three little words transcend the relationship to a whole new level.

If he's not ready, I wouldn't push the issue.


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If you mean it after dating exclusively for that long, then say it. It could be that he is just waiting for you to say it first. However, don't expect him to just spit out the words in response.

I remember when I was dating my X and he first said those words to me. It was almost a month later before I could say ILY.

ILY means different things to different people. To me, it is a very deep level of commitment. Just because I'm not ready for that commitment, doesn't mean I don't love or care for the person. Also after going through D, I will be much more hesitant to make that commitment again.

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what are the three little words?

you mean - Paper Or Plastic?

Tell this person to make sure to not say them in bed. They don't count in that area of the house/hotel room/apartment/VIP room. Have her or him say them while they are in a car stopped near a passing train so that when the other person responds "what did you say?" they have an out.


I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be (my) style.
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.
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Thanks everyone...i'm in agreeance with you. it does mean different things to different people and if she's feeling it..she should say it and be prepared for the good or the "bad" that may come with it. and I didn't think of the bed thingy...i'll be sure to pass that along.

gekko...i prefer paper...


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VIP room gekko??

hehehe

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

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How does a couple begin dating seriously if the sentence "i love you" doesn't come into play at some point? I think this is nuts....I wouldn't even be dating the guy.


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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Quote:

How does a couple begin dating seriously if the sentence "i love you" doesn't come into play at some point? I think this is nuts....I wouldn't even be dating the guy.




Yeah, I've been biting my tongue, aeri, seeing as this board is littered with ladies involved in 1/2/3 year relationships with guys who cannot say "ILY", but I also for the life of me cannot see why it is so hard to say the words.

I know the standard response is "well, I'd much rather have someone who shows it rather than says it, and Biff does show it", but IMHO, if a grown person cannot say the words, then there are deep rooted issues at play, deeper than just "oh, he's been hurt before".

Just MHO, of course.

AGG


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Quote:

How does a couple begin dating seriously if the sentence "i love you" doesn't come into play at some point? I think this is nuts....I wouldn't even be dating the guy.




Isn't that what dating is for? First comes dating, then comes love...maybe. There is not enough info posted about how much they date. Once a week, twice a week, once a month. It sounds like much of their communication may be electronic rather than in person.

They 'dated' for 8 months before becoming exclusive to each other. That alone tells me that they were not too wild about each other from the get go. Maybe they decided to settle for each other.

What's wrong with simply liking someone...a lot? If they are going to share ILY's, they should damn well mean it. I think if someone actually feels 'in love', they are going to have a pretty hard time not expressing that emotion, verbally, physically and in their interactions with that person.


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Quote:

What's wrong with simply liking someone...a lot?




Nothing wrong with that, but that wasn't the poster's question.

Quote:

I think if someone actually feels 'in love', they are going to have a pretty hard time not expressing that emotion, verbally, physically and in their interactions with that person.




Well, but the poster stated that she said the words:

"She has said them in emails and offline messages but never outloud in person, on the phone and never while online together. He has never said it offline, online, in emails, on the phone or outloud while together. She is very tempted to blurt them outloud but is afraid of the reaction she will get due to past rejection and insecurities. "

It is the lack of reciprocation, and the concerns about "past insecurities and rejections" that I find troubling, not just that the person is "not ready".

AGG


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Quote:

Isn't that what dating is for? First comes dating, then comes love...maybe.




Absolutely. I agree with you 100%...but there has to be some kind of limit as to HOW LONG you're going to hang around, waiting to hear how the guy REALLY feels about you.

Allurin said this:

Quote:

What do you make of a couple who have been dating for 15 months and exclusive for 7 months and have never said those three little words outloud.




That's enough information for me. I think that's PLENTY of time to make up one's mind.

Quote:

They 'dated' for 8 months before becoming exclusive to each other. That alone tells me that they were not too wild about each other from the get go. Maybe they decided to settle for each other.




Right..so it's not about him "SHOWING" that he loves her. In this case, the whole "actions speak louder than words" thing doesn't apply. I don't think any woman is stupid enough to think that a guy doesn't THINK about these things. We live in a society that embraces love and romance. If a guy isn't saying "I love you"...he doesn't feel it.


Quote:

I think if someone actually feels 'in love', they are going to have a pretty hard time not expressing that emotion, verbally, physically and in their interactions with that person.




Right, so if it hasn't happened in 15 months, it's not going to happen.....


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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Quote:

I know the standard response is "well, I'd much rather have someone who shows it rather than says it, and Biff does show it", but IMHO, if a grown person cannot say the words, then there are deep rooted issues at play, deeper than just "oh, he's been hurt before".




I guess it's better to have someone who SHOWS it rather than SAYS it, but the idea situation is to have BOTH. Why settle for anything less?

This is my big beef with the women's liberation movement--we've taught women how to stand up for themselves, but we've forgot to mention that self-respect involves the people who choose to spend our life with. A woman who is willing to settle for second best doesn't value HERSELF very much.


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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Quote:

A woman who is willing to settle for second best doesn't value HERSELF very much.




That may very well be the case here since Alluring said...
She is very tempted to blurt them outloud but is afraid of the reaction she will get due to past rejection and insecurities.

She seems to be insecure or she would have no problem with blurting it out. He has rejected her in the past but she still fell in love with him, so maybe her judgement isn't up to speed either. I'm assuming that she is in love with him and not just saying 'i love you' because I'm dating you and it seems like the thing to say.

I guess I just don't see it as HIM having a problem. He probably doesn't love her so why should he say he does?

She on the other hand, loves a man who rejects her.

Either way, it doesn't appear to be a match made in heaven. I don't see a lot of hope for them Alluring.


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Allurin, I don't agree that he doesn't love you. I don't know, but I think dating exclusively for 15 months says something. I suspect that he's as insecure as you say you are, based on past rejections ~ something I can totally relate to, BTW! Based on looking at your sitch from the outside, as well as looking at my own past mistakes, I think it's time to find a way to take your relationship to the next level by telling him how you feel. Worst case scenario is, of course, another rejection, or maybe it will help you'll decide not to settle for someone who can't express his feelings in words, but maybe he just needs you to lead by example. It's time to find out if he's "the one" or not.


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Quote:

I know the standard response is "well, I'd much rather have someone who shows it rather than says it, and Biff does show it",




So is this a generic Biff, or are we talking about someone specific...?

ugh... I needed that laugh today...


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Quote:

Quote:

I know the standard response is "well, I'd much rather have someone who shows it rather than says it, and Biff does show it",




So is this a generic Biff, or are we talking about someone specific...?

ugh... I needed that laugh today...




LMAO... This is the generic Biff, not "JtFB's BF" Biff .


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Quote:

LMAO... This is the generic Biff, not "JtFB's BF" Biff .




You forgot the "X"

(OK... so you forgot the "I" too, but as of today, that "X" is much more important...)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled thread.


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