Hi

My wife told me on May 2nd that she doesn't love me. It came as a total bolt from the blue. She says she told me as soon as she realized it, but it has probably been coming for a long time, but she didn't know. Initially she said she would like to try to love me again, but on May 4th she said she didn't want to love me again, and wanted to finish. The reasons she has given, I 'parent' her, asking her to tidy the house (it's a tip), asking her to mow the lawn while I'm at work (she works about 2 hours a day). I don't show her affection, and compliment her on how she looks. My fault, she is lovely, and I realise NOW that I should compliment her more. She doesn't compliment me, but I didn't think I needed it. She is overweight, and about 3 years ago, lost a lot of weight and felt great because of it, with much more energy. She put it back on, and I've asked her regularly if she's going to try to lose it again (I'm worried sick about her health). Sometimes I've used reverse psychology, and said nasty things about her body. Boy, what a mistake. These things have really hurt her, and she's only now telling me. She says she's told me lots of times, but never forcefully enough for me to understand how much I've been hurting her. I realise I've said nasty things to her, but I've only asked for one chance, because that is all I need. I will NEVER say these things again, I'll be more loving and complimentary, but she wants it to be over. After 17 years together (15 married) she wants it to end so quickly. There is no-one else involved, I know for a fact. We are still in the same house, sleeping seperately. Our 2 daughters (11 and 9) know Mummy doesn't love Daddy anymore, and are probably the only thing keeping me going right now. I have nver felt so many emotions, the hurt is unbearable, not just for me, but also for the hurt I have put my wife through. We went to a marriage counsellor May 10th, but she says she can't help unless we both want to make it work, and my wife said at the session that she doen't. Can someone suddenly realise overnight that they don't love someone anymore after so long? How can I make someone who doesn't love me anymore and says she doesn't want to, love me again. Everyone who knows us(both sets of parents, close friends) thought we were the perfect couple, and so did I. Everyone except my wife is in a total state of shock. I am getting deperate, as my wife wants to move things on so quickly, and love her so much

I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage is at its end. It sounds like your wife has been hurting for a long time, and now she can't handle it anymore. Most men would throw in the towel and try to force visitation rights for the kids, but you want it to work.
Do you want it to work for the right reasons? Do you really love her? Or, are you afraid to live without her?
If you really love her, tell her everything. Tell her how much you're hurting just thinking about her leaving. Tell her that you'll try. Try anything. This is the most crucial part of your life so far. It is life changing and you should push for it!
But, if you're just afraid... Maybe its the best thing for you... Would you rather be miserable and together? Or happy and alone?
I hope this helps you. Take care and GOOD LUCK!!!

SJ,

I don't think your marriage is at an end.

I think you guys have reached the place of awakening...sounds like you woke up with a shock...

Consider moving your post to Emotional Needs forum...gets more traffic, btw.

If you want to save your marriage...make it your goal and do it. It's yours. You're half of it.

Your wife has decided to live her life from feelings...determine to act so she gets the feelings she wants as a result.

She's focused on feeling love, rather than acting from love. Love is a belief...we choose to believe we love and act from our love. We let the outcome go.

Heed well that your owning step by step, choice by choice what you will not do again (read Love Busters and eliminate them)...read His Needs, Her Needs; Fall in Love, Stay in Love, both by Dr. Harley. Get to know how much resentment covers over our signals of love...that she loves you, it's there, and garbaged up with anger, frustration, resentment and lack of respect. When we act from love, we receive loving feelings as a result. Great result.

Focus on your own resentments...find out where you stopped cherishing, listening to know, not to judge; sharing your own stuff and where your thoughts have dwelled...change your focus.

You can do this...no reason on earth for your marriage to end. She hasn't filed anything...and you are fine with not filing anything. If you choose to save your marriage, do not do so. Don't base your choices on her feelings or lack thereof. That would be both of you living from HER feelings.

I don't advise it.

Your incredible pain and fear right now is valid. So was hers when she wasn't telling you how much she hurt from your words, or lack of them. Feelings are temporary...they are signals to us about us, from our beliefs. Change yours.

Live well and build a marriage which thrives with intimacy. You can do this.

And get a new MC. One that believes that making decisions from our feelings or lack thereof is living backwards.

LA

Still so tough. The hurt is unbearable, for both of us. Neither of us has moved out, but my wife never talks to me unless I speak to her, or it is essential. My 9yo daughter has noticed this, and is upset, but has only spoken to me. I don't want to push things by being 'too nice' as she has said already 'toolittle too late', and anything I do when she's in the wrong frame of mind count totally against me (flowers etc). We keep going out as a family (bowling, restaurant), but it's like I'm not there in my wife's eyes. I love her so much, otherwise I wouldn't put myself through all this hurt. I know she's hurting too, but why is she putting herself through it? I think it's because she's scared and doesn't know what to do next.

Wish I was in your shoes. My situation is far, far worse, but I'm not giving up. So, don't you quit. Work hard for your marriage, be patient, endure, bear all, read 1 Corinthians 13 over and over, read Psalm 51 over and over. Read His Needs, Her Needs. Read, read, read, wait, think, then do.

steviejohn, could be any of three things or a combination.

1- Passion fizzles out of every relationship over time unless you make a deliberate effort to keep it alive. Sometimes women mistake this for falling out of love.

2- Maybe she doesn't feel very loving because she's angry. You may think you are being helpful to tell her to clean the house and mow the lawn while she's not working, but would you like it if she looked over your shoulder at work and told YOU how to do your job? (And I'm only calling it her job because she works only part-time otherwise, not because she's a woman.) Not to mention that harping on her weight didn't help.

3-She could be clinically depressed. Depressed people often feel like sitting around doing nothing. It's often confused with laziness but it's not. You literally just don't have the energy to do anything. Taking a shower leaves you exhausted.

This lack of energy can cause some people to overeat in order to "get" energy but it often has the opposite effect. Overeating makes you tired and sluggish, which makes you want to eat more. Breaking the cycle usually requires both anti-depressants and a restricted calorie diet with lots of sugarless gum to cope with the hunger pangs. When your metabolism eventually slows down, then you eat slightly more and exercise more. But ideally she should hear this from a doctor, not you.

Steve - you still around? I have some thoughts on your situation that you might find helpful. My W and I went through a very very similar situation and we more than survived. We are better than ever. It almost killed us but it has been worth it. If you're still on I'd be interested in sharing what helped us and may help you.

BTW - what your wife is experiencing is called withdrawal. Your lovebusting and abusive behavior has so severely depleted your account in her lovebank that she has fallen out of love with you and she doubts that could ever change. She is wrong, but of course she doesn't realize that.

Withdrawal

You really need to buy and read LoveBusters. Just the little you shared about how you have abused your wife is very telling. No offense man. I've been there. But, like you, I'll never go back.

LoveBusters

Don't mean to kick you while you're down, but sometimes the perspective from a lower altitude is what we need to see things clearly. You were above the clouds in an apparently blissful union. In fact there was a terrible storm raging just below the cloud line, out of sight and very deadly. Keep your seat belt on. The ascent is going to be bumpy.

Yes I'm still here

Any help would be appreiated, although I think it's too late as my wife has now filed for divorce