for instance;

Level 1 - Your spouse who you love and trust more than anyone else decides to betray you with another person, conducting an emotional affair with that person. You don't recognize this person anymore.

Level 2 - Add in the passionate giving of one's spouse to the OP on a sexual/intimate basis. Bad dreams that will not go away, thoughts, nightmares of your WS sharing themselves intimately with someone they barely know in most cases.

Level 3 - After applying MB principles, other marriage saving ideas, pleading, prodding, begging, whatever, nothing works and the WS will not make any effort to work on saving your M. No matter what you shared that was good, great, bad, etc they will hear nothing of it and make no effort to stop their affair, new lifestyle, etc and work to save the marriage. The WS's fog has turned into permanent state of waywardness. They are leaving you and the children for a person that in many cases they have known less than a matter of months.

Level 4 - Add in children to level 3, particularly young children that you have to stare in the face each night mommy or daddy doesn't come home.

Level 5 - You are left with no other options but to protect yourself and or your children and file for Divorce

Level 6 - The divorce process and child custody battle ensues. financially costing your tens or hundreds of thousands of dollars and yet you were the BS. You see less of your children and yet you were the BS.

Level 7- You are divorced and your WS is still with the intruding OP that helped lead to the demise of your M.

Level 8 - After the OP's divorce is over, the WS marries the OP and wants to pretend that the new step dad/mom is part of the family. This legitimizes everything. They are in church together, planning family vacations, reunions, at child's events together, etc. and angry and mad because you don't just move on and accept that they are happy and the
fantasy is great. Get with the program BS the WS and OP are happy togther. They have to be since they gave up everything and scoffed at those that told them they would regret their actions. Even if they are miserable they have to prove people wrong. Your children are confused, jerked around, exposed to bad influences, and selfish parenting, etc.

I just think there are levels of pain from all of this devestation. As bad as it hurts for your spouse to betray their vows and cheat. It is altogther another item to be faced with the other steps listed above. I think the healing process for the BS takes infinitely longer the further down the list above you get.

Anyone else feel this way.....

This hit me last week when I had a huge falling out with ex WW. We had an agreement about extra time (my time) that I allow her to see our son and she had always adhered to this agreement (not to involve POS OM in extra visitation granted by me). For some reason she was going to show me that she didn't have to do this and apparently was putting on a show for OM at the time. It ended badly with me telling her to have my son back to me at the original time since she could not honor our agreement and my boundaries. She did but didn't like it at all........Some LB'ing from both sides. We have had another occassion for this just this week and she must have gotten the message since she did as I asked in order to spend extra time with DS.

I may be wrong but I don't see how it is my job to make her feel better about losing custody of her son and choosing POS OM over her family and life. I will not legitimize her choices for her. ****** will freeze over first. POS OM will NEVER be an important or influential part of our son's life if I can help it. I will promote to a degree (ultimately it is her responsibility) the R with his "mother", but I don't see how I have to cater to her desire to legitimize her choice of OM over everything important to her at one time. Unless someone here sees if differently and can explain to me why I should I will never attempt to make POS OM part of the "family" so to speak. He will always be an intruder.

I agree. Go get'em.

agreed 100%!!!!
You are on the right track. Stay there!

All blessings,
Jerry

H&P,

""She did but didn't like it at all........Some LB'ing from both sides.""

I find this kind of humorous that you consider this LBing with your exW. How brainwashed with MB principals we can get.

""
I may be wrong but I don't see how it is my job to make her feel better about losing custody of her son and choosing POS OM over her family and life.""

You are not wrong and it is so wwwaaaaayyyyy not your job. BUT, just like above where you were "LBing", it is very hard to step back and view your ex as YOUR EX!! Ya know what I mean??

The years of being together permently imbedded the husband/wife feelings into you and it is hard to change your reactions to her in this new dynamic. You owe her NOTHING! So stick to your guns on this one.

POS OM ??? I must have missed the memo on this one.

kirk

never been past level 2 - cant imagine the the depths of ****** you have experience.

I agree with your take 100%.

You have been shining light of strong conviction and focus for others now struggling.

I'm at level 6 right now.

The levels fit me to a T, unfortunately!

I think Kirk makes a good point in that it is so very difficult to break the expectations we have for each other even after seperation and divorce.

hap, you owe her nothing, however I completely understand how you feel. I try to view it like conducting business so the emotions are kept to a minimum and you look out for your interests only.

You are NOT being a jerk by maintaining your boundaries.

Have they not been continuing this A for over a year now? Their time is almost up my friend...we both know how this story will end.

Thanks for the feedback, encouragement and confirmation from you all. Sometimes we all get confused while working in the confines of this devestation and our mind does funny things.

Krusht, you are right. I owe her nothing and in effect don't know this new person she has become so what I say to her shouldn't bother me in the least. I will ultimately become completely unemotional about interaction with her.

By the way .... POS OM = Piece Of "Slang for manure" Other Man

HTW,

There affair is on about 16 months from exposure. I have already heard they are miserable together and have to delude themselves into believing this was "meant to be" in order to live with what they have done. In an argument one night a few months back, I point blank asked Ex WW "do you love this man?" She got quiet and did not respond. I said "well, I think we both know the answer to that one". But she is so stubborn and prideful and has given up so much that to turn back now would be to make a fool of herself, betray the OM (is that possible), to have no one to cling to, etc. She has to make a try at this or be told "I told you so". She will not allow that. She will marry, cheat, be cheated on (which will happen since he has had 13 workplace affairs), and divorce before she just walks away and figures out what happened to her.

She is not my responsibilty anymore. I only care how she treats, interacts, and parents the children. On that I will be the big bad wolf as I will hold her accountable at every turn. AND POS OM will never be anything but an intruder and family destroyer, nothing else to our kids. I will see to it. Lastly, it is the responsibility of EX WW to nurture her R with our children not mine.