I've got a thread going about my personal journey lately. The thread is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ID=#Post3225028

But I have a more general question or two about withdrawal.

In my case, I'm divorced and trying to reconcile with my XH, whose GF recently left him but they are still in contact. All the gory details are in my thread but I won't repeat them all here.

My question is this - once the spouse begins withdrawal from the OP, is it normal for them to withdraw from the BS too? Do they sort of crawl in a hole for a while to lick their wounds, or typically do they draw closer to the BS?

Or does it vary?

My XH's GF left him a month ago - moved back 2000 miles from whence she came, but they are/were still in touch, at least as of last weekend (she calls him often and we work together sometimes at the business we own together - he comes in part-time).

If/when that contact fizzles (and I'm sure it will sooner or later), should I expect a change in his behavior?

I've been doing sort of a modified Plan A with a 180... building up some deposits in the Love Bank, and biding my time to see if/when I should tell him the door is still open.

I just don't want to misinterpret what he does if/when withdrawal from the OP starts.

Things have been very good between us - strictly as friends (my thread will give you the play-by-play...) and now isn't the time to tip my hand... so I'm just taking it slowly and sort of doing a "wait and see" for the moment.

If anyone can describe what they've seen or experienced with withdrawal, I'd appreciate it.

JinGA

JinGA,

Withdrawal is not always the same for each person and therefore there can be exceptions and variations on behavior that are usually & generally the norm amongst most FWS’s in withdrawal. For instance, there are cases where FWS's sometimes don't experience any withdrawal. But from what I’ve personally experienced as a FWW and from what I’ve read here on the boards and from Dr Harley’s teachings, it’s very common for most FWS’s in withdrawal to withdraw from the BS until the most intense withdrawal symptoms has disappeared.

The following is from Dr Harley’s Q & A columns:

[color:"blue"]”As soon as a victimized spouse decides to stay married and struggle through reconciliation, he or she usually sets out to meet whatever needs the lover had been meeting. If it was sex, the spouse offers more and better sex. If it was affection, it's more affection. Both M.S. and R.J.'s wife were willing to do whatever it took to regain their wayward spouses' love.

But it didn't work for either of them. That's because both of their husbands were in withdrawal. They were both addicted to their lovers and separation from them caused them to suffer from depression. That, in turn, made it almost impossible for their spouses to meet their emotional needs. So all of that love and care that was being extended to them was being wasted. Until they would recover from withdrawal, the efforts of their wives to please them will be very disappointing.

Sometimes I tell spouses to just avoid each other until the withdrawal stage passes because all the effort to be kind and thoughtful is easily wasted until they start feeling better.

It's the stage of recovery after withdrawal that gives spouses the best opportunity to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and overcome Love Busters. Spouses should save their most tolerant mood for that stage, where they could both be receptive to each other's care. And that will be the subject of next week's column: Learning to meet each other's needs after an affair.”[/color]

I personally wanted to move closer to my BH during withdrawal, but at the same time I didn’t want to cause him more pain & hurt by being honest & open about things he didn’t want to hear, so mostly I had tried to cope with the depression on my own and the only way I could sometimes do that was to (as you described it) “crawl in a hole to lick my own wounds” for a while.

Please also read the “Withdrawal guide” link in my signature. More info and quotes from Dr Harley on withdrawal is also included on that thread.

Thanks for posting, Suzet. I had read the article you quoted as well as your guide. I was looking for additional anecdotal accounts of this - but re-reading that passage and thread again has been helpful.

I posted a new thread tonight - new information and was looking for some quick feedback... It's worse than I thought...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3242205

I don't think it's withdrawal he's in - or maybe he is. He's planning a vacation to see the GF who just moved away, and when I asked, he admitted he's considering moving out there.

Inwardly I'm in a panic (more over the kids, than myself)... but outwardly I didn't love-bust or over-react, but I did react in what I believe to be an appropriate way.

His vacation is at least 6 weeks away - much can happen in that time, and I'm not bringing it up again, nor the possibility of moving.

IMO he's still stuck in a fog. If he was honest with himself, even if I wasn't part of the equation (even if he hated my guts), there are plenty of practical reasons why moving would be a bad move for him. I just hope he examines all of those before he comes to a decision. It's all in that thread I just linked.

I think he's still in a "denial" stage, and his GF is trying to manipulate him. If she loved him she wouldn't ask him to choose between her and her kids. I know if anybody asked me to choose between themselves and my kids, it's a no-brainer - kids trump anything, everything and everyone.

We'll see what happens. I told him for the first time in a long time, last night, that I still love him. Don't know if that will help or hurt, but now I've got it out there, I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. I'll keep making love bank deposits as I can, but not push.

Time will tell.

JinGA

I don't post much anymore, but I've been following your situation as it rings very similar to mine....

My XWH and I were separated for approx. 2 years and then divorced, and have been reconciled very happily for 2 years now.

Before recovery, the A was in it's death throes, WXH was crashing and burning and then slowly he began to pull his head out of the sand and started taking care of his health, finances, employment situation etc.....at his lowest point I did reach out and lend him a hand and then tried to lay low.....

Eventually he began spending more time at the house and although I was hopeful at the way things were looking, he was not sure that he wanted a "relationship" with me.....he saw OW another time or two(long distance by this time)and it did not go well....

I had to step back and realize that a lot of positive had happened in a very short time....but he was not "relationship ready"....and so I just enjoyed the time we spent together and let it just happen from there....there were several emotional episodes where he tearfully expressed his regret at hurting me and the kids...we continued to move forward...

Within a short period of time he asked me if we could be "girlfriend and boyfriend", lol, and we became a couple again....there's been no turning back....it's been great....the kids are happy, even one of the older boys who was outwardly angry with his Dad......

So my advice to you would be to be patient....I think it was good that you let him know how you feel....let that sink in for awhile....you continue to be the "lighthouse"....even if he visits OW this summer it will probably not go well and could be the final nail in that coffin....

You seem to have a good handle on this....be patient and cautious....

Thank you, Sugah, for posting this. It sounds like your situation and mine are very similar.

I'm a bit calmer about it all this morning, and I'm praying for help and guidance, and it seems to be coming to me.

It's all out of my control, and I accept that. I'm going to just keep on doing what I've been doing - making Love Bank deposits when I can, avoiding making withdrawals and take one day at a time.

I am relieved in a way, that I was able to just tell him how I feel - no pressure, no expectations, just tell him in no uncertain terms that I still love him. What he does with that information is up to him.

I think if he was going to actually make the move, he'd be doing it. He's had time to consider it since she announced she was going back home, and he's only had 4 weeks of long-distance (although their courtship began that way) since she left. There's still at least 6 weeks until his vacation (unsure of the dates but it's in July)... and much can happen between now and then.

I'm praying for God to guide me through this, and for God to open XH's eyes to ALL of his options and the consequences that will occur for each possible choice he can make.

God has got me through some tough times, and He has sent me some incredible friends, both in person, and online - I've had tremendous emotional support.

One way or another my kids and I will be fine. I hope for XH's sake that he makes the right choices for all concerned, even if his future does not include me as his partner, his children are way too important to cast aside.

Patience - boy that's a hard one and that's a lesson that it seems God is always trying to teach me. I'm learning - slowly... good thing God is patient with me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story - it keeps the hope alive in me.

JinGA

I'm sort of resurrecting this thread. I may be premature about it, but my XH behavior the last couple of days suggests he *may* be in withdrawl. In my other thread I mentioned that he invited the kids and I over to use the pool in his apartment complex but declined to join us, even at the kids' urging. That was Monday. Yesterday he took a sick day at work, which he used to do a lot when he was depressed.

He never called yesterday to say he wasn't coming by our business - again not typical - usually he'll at least let me know if he's late or not showing up - he didn't do that, so when I began to worry and put 2 and 2 together, I called him.

Today I sent him a brief email asking how he was feeling, telling him I hoped he was OK, and thanks for allowing us to go and swim and that I appreciated it - and that has gone unanswered.

I don't usually email him over trivial things (ie not kid or business related), but on the rare occasions that I do, if he's feeling fine, he'll answer - and if he's having a "bad day" (read: feeling depressed) he doesn't even acknowledge it.

I won't press or pester - we'll see if he shows up later or calls to say he won't be in (or not call...) - I do have some business stuff (customer scheduling) that needs attention and I've put it off one day already.

My worry radar was activated yesterday - and at the end of the day when I learned he'd taken a sick day I felt somewhat validated - things just haven't felt "right" but at first I thought it was my own anxiety speaking.

I'm a bit worried about him still. If something has changed vis a vis the GF, if he's comfortable telling me, he will when he's ready - but at this point I may just have to depend on observation. For his sake, I don't wish him any more pain, but if something has changed toward the end of the relationship with GF, I hope for his sake the cut is clean.

JinGA