My H and I are going on a cruise next month for 2 weeks. Last night we were talking about the various side trips available and some of the amenities available on the cruise. My H has read all of the books and paperwork that came with the itinerary, and I have just visited the website, so we were just chatting about some of the things we had both noticed in what we had read.

He said, "They do two different packages for renewing wedding vows", and proceeded to explain the various pricing of both packages. I just replied, "Oh."

Now, don't get me wrong here. I am just FLOORED that he would even CONSIDER such a thing. In the past, we had talked of having a renewal ceremony on our 25th anniversary, and he completely nixed the idea. Then again, I mentioned that it might be cool for the 30th (of course, he was considering another woman at that point, but I didn't know it). He has always consistently rejected the idea of any kind of second wedding ceremony, for as long as I can remember. Anytime anyone has ever mentioned it throughout our marriage of nearly 32 years now (our anniversary is the first day of the cruise), he has always responded that wedding ceremonies are one-time things, he would NEVER do it again.

I have not asked him to do a renewal ceremony, even since his affair, given that his attitude toward the ceremony has always been negative.

Here are the questions -

Why would he now mention this?

Do you think he is mentioning this because he thinks I want it? I don't want him to do this if he's only doing it because he thinks I want it.

I didn't say anything back to him except "Oh" because I'm not sure what I think about it. We are about 18 months post d-day, and I'm doing okay, moving on. Not sure, however, about a ceremony. How do I approach this if I don't want to do it?

How would a FWS feel if the BS did not want to do a renewal ceremony???????

Do you think I should do a ceremony if he wants to?

For those of you who have renewed your vows, how has it helped or not helped you?

I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I also don't know what he has planned - if he "surprises" me with a ceremony for our anniversary, I will be obligated to go through with it. I would be okay with that. My questions are more for if he asks me in advance.

SB

This is a very hard question. I think that my FWH would be disappointed if he planned it as a surprise and then I wasn't enthusiatic. That being said, I am just beyond two years for D-day. We have made a lot of progress and it seems that life is good. Would I say yes right now. No. I do not feel the way I did when he proposed to me 14 years ago. I do not feel the way I did every single day up until discovery. I would have said yes any day from the first proposal until D-day. Now, God....how do you say yes to someone who has destroyed your soul? The person you trusted and loved more than anyone else in the world? The same person that you do not want to kick out of your life and are fighting to keep there and survive with?
I haven't had to deal with this, he has made comments early on knowing that I was not yet at a point to comply and that we would do it in the future, just us probably (only a dozen people know). But for me, not enough healing has taken place.
If you are ready, I think it could be good for you, if not then you should discuss it early before further plans are developed. Explain why its too early if you can.
Good luck and have a Fantastic time together either way!!!!!

We just did a week together in Cozumel. I want to go back!!!

FTS

WH offered this once, some time ago, but I am very much against renewal ceremonies. My marriage is not a "do-over" and I really do feel that that is how WH would look at it - as if, okay, all that other stuff just didn't count and sure NOW we'll be married.

And you might want to know that for a lot of folks, a long-married couple holding a vow renewal ceremony is just an advertisement that at least one of them was unfaithful and now they're trying to put it back on track and start over. Both Mr. & Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mr. & Mrs. Ozzie Osbourne held very fancy vow renewal ceremonies and it was already well known that adultery was a part of both marriages.

I realize that others may feel very differently, but my response to vow renewal is "no way." A marriage is NOT a "do-over".

JMHO
Mulan

SB,

""Why would he now mention this?""

So is he totally repentant and remorseful? Is he working 110% to make the M work? When you look deep into his eyes can you see the reqret and pain that your pain has caused him? If so then he is trying to "fix-it" one step further. We boys are fix it types.

""How would a FWS feel if the BS did not want to do a renewal ceremony??????? ""

I would think they would realize that you are still smarting, to say the least, from the A and maybe are still weighing your options. So he still must not relax his efforts and keep on his toes. He should not get too comfortable.

""Do you think I should do a ceremony if he wants to?""

You must decide what message you want to convey. Plus if YOU do not want to do it..then don't. You can always say, "how about next year?

kirk

I think it's far too serious an undertaking unless you are BOTH fully committed to the idea. However, I hope you have a wonderful time on your cruise regardless. TT

Krusht,

To answer the "remorse" question - yes, without a doubt, he would be doing this to fix it. He has, since day one, shown deep regret, remorse, and has done what he can to try to show me he's working on it. From my viewpoint, I would have liked him to do more, but I don't know that it was because HE wasn't doing enough, or that it was because there were other things going on, or because I was just so overwhelmed and broken that I didn't see what he was doing.

He was diagnosed with cancer within a few short days of d-day, and our last 18 months have had an incredible amount of stress (the list is just too incredible to imagine - I would score off the charts on any stress meter you can bring!). This cruise was a gift to us from some very wonderful people who love us, and they are now touched by the very same cancer that my husband had.

M-
I don't necessarily see it as a do-over, that's not really what I think he would mean by it either. I think he sees it as something he would be doing for us, for me, to show me that he would endure even the most difficult thing for him (the very ceremony that he often stated he doesn't like - he's not a "ceremony guy" - heck, getting him to go to graduation was hard!) in order to demonstrate to me that he is committed to this marriage forever. I have often expressed fear to him about his reasons for staying married, and I think he may be thinking that this is an opportunity to show me his commitment.

Schoolbus--
Instead of just 'thinking' about what he might be doing, please JUST ASK HIM.

We are three years into recovery. Hubby is now in Guantanamo Bay for a year and he called me this week to ask me to marry him again next summer. I get a dress and church this time! (we eloped and it was a business arrangement in his eyes at the time, truth be told)
He was also always putting off a renweal ceremony and after awhile I gave up the idea. Just like I gave up the ida for a third child. THen he fianlly asked for the baby (He is almost 2 year olds now!) and now is asking for the wedding.

To me, its going to be a much happier memory than when we first got married. I believe he wants that, too. As well as demonstrating publically he is committed to this marriage enough to do this.

We are planning on renewing our vows at the end of the year on our 25th wedding anniversary.

Even without the affair we may have done it.

I see it as reconfirming those vows made so long ago rather than as a pointer to adultery.

Mojo,

I am so mad at you. That was my answer.

I am a man. I am not complicated. Usually I don't have hidden agenda's.

If I pointed out the wedding renewals to my FWW it could mean I was trying to backtrack from my earlier statments possibly.

It could mean it was the next thing to read in the itenerary book.

It could be he liked the price and if it came with a buffet maybe it was a good deal. Especially if he had a double coupon.

But if you really wanted to know you could say.

Hey that's really coool Why did you point that out, is it something you are considering?

SB,

""cancer that my husband had. ""

HAD is a very good word here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

*grins at frognomore*

For me, it will be an official clean slate. My WH worked his butt off repairing his relationships with me, our children, and my parents. They all love him more than they ever did before. They actually honestly LIKE him now.

This wedding will be a celebration of that.

My FWH asked me to renew our vows as well-- two Christmases ago, but we still haven't done it. I've wondered about the message it sends too...

About.com had these renewal vows for after an affair:

"On our wedding day, I pledged many things to you, including my faithfulness. With great sorrow and regret, I acknowledge that I broke that vow but I realize now the enormity of my mistake. Others come and go, but you are the constant in my life whom I will always love. I believe in this marriage more than ever, and I reaffirm my love and commitment to you."

I don't know if I would want my FWH professing this for everyone to hear. Others come and go?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

pm

I don't think the "others come and go" would work for me either!

If we did renew our vows for our 30th coming up in September it would be because I would love to have the wedding I never had...

We got married in Palatka (means cattle crossing) Florida in a very small church where my dad was holding a revival meeting for the week. We didn't know anyone except my parents. I didn't know my maid of honor and my husband didn't know his best man. They were borrowed from the church. The people in the church were great though because they all pitched in and gave us a wedding reception on the evening we got married. Couldn't do it right after the ceremony though because they had to hold a service in between times. I laugh now because in the wedding photos my hair is curled but at the reception it's straight as a board. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

We "honeymooned" in my parents' RV which was parked in the church parking lot during the revival meeting while my parents stayed with the pastor.

My dad performed the ceremony though and that's a sweet sweet memory that I treasure because he passed away in 1984.

Now who's gonna ask why we did it that way??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for the TJ! Back to SB...

SB,

If you jumped into a time machine and looked back at his "mentioning renewal", testing for a response (or reaction) from you, would you regret not pursuing the possibility?

Ace

P.S. PM....you have the greatest way of telling stories.... You inspire me. You suggested it so I'll ask.....why did you do it that way?

This came up for us very soon after d-day. My H said "I am NOT renewing my vows, I never broke mine."

Reconfirming is a much better way of putting it.

My 0.2c.

I always dreamed of renewing our vows... like for our 20 or 25th anniversary.
This was even before I even thought about infidelity.

Don't think it will happen in my case... but it would mean alot to me if it did.

Still

Thanks everybody for the thoughts. I will try to respond to everyone's ideas and comments.

If I had a time machine and could go back to the point when he first mentioned it, I would still respond the same way, "Oh". It really was the best response because for us, he knows that when I don't say a lot, it means I'm thinking about things. He will wait and bring it up again if it's important to him, or I will bring it up again when I'm ready to talk (this has worked for us for 32 years, so we are cool with it!).

So, he brought it up again yesterday. I took that opportunity to ask him about it, now that I have read your input and had a chance to gather my thoughts and feelings on it. His reply really caught me off guard!

Again, I didn't say much back - but did smile at him. He knows he has me on the ropes now, and I am actually now giving it serious consideration. He isn't pushing it, but he has me thinking about it.

You already know the first part - two sentences, and my "oh". Here is installment 2:

We were talking about signing up for a fishing excursion while on the cruise.

H: Did you read the book yet?
W: No.
H: They have two packages for renewing your wedding vows.
W: Yes, I remember you told me that the other day.
H: You can sign up for them online.
W: Can I ask you something?
H: Sure.
W: You have always said you hated weddings. Wedding ceremonies, going to weddings, the whole wedding thing. Anytime we have had to go to weddings, you have always said how much you hated wedding stuff. Before, when I talked about renewing our vows for an anniversary or something, you always said how much you hated wedding stuff. So, what gives on the vow renewal thing? I thought you hated weddings?

H: Yes, I do. But I love you.

Then, he just looked at me and smiled.


So, I think this is what I thought it was - his way of saying that he is willing to make what is for him a VERY HUGE sacrifice to show me that he really does choose me and always has.

For him, this is like......sticking a needle in his own eye 100 times over.

The idea that he thought this up on his own is really a huge surprise to me. I would never have thought he would have suggested this. If we were on some game show, and they had me bet on whether or not my H would make this suggestion, I would have bet the house that he would NEVER have done so. And to add a smile to it?

I can honestly say he has really changed.

Thank you, MB.

Now, I have to figure out if I am ready to do this or not. But I think, probably, I am.

Hey -

Just read PM's thread.

I plan to tell him "yes" when he asks again.

Which he will do.

Thanks, PM.

SB

Kiwi- I like that... reconfirmation.

Yay for you, schoolbus!