I'm looking for some help. I read a lot of posts about exposing the A to relatives, friends, etc. I don't remember reading about this on MB. As far as my WW is concerned, I have only spoken about the A to a couple of my close friends and my WW doesn't know this. Should I be telling people about the A, and, if so, who do I tell?

The purpose of exposure is to end the affair, so if the affair has ended, you wouldn't need to bother. If she had an affair with a married person, that person's spouse should be told regardless.

Has her affair ended? Is the OP married?

Both of your families and the OP's partner (if he has one). If the affair is at a workplace, tell their boss. The aim of this exposure is to eliminate the secrecy on which the affair thrived.

When you do it, be prepared for an extreme reaction from your spouse. She will tell you that your relationship can't possibly recover, that you have hurt her, you must hate her etc. etc. Just ignore all that.

You tell any and everyone that could have an impact on the affair. Harley speaks in volume about exposure...even going so far as to say... if necessary... rent a billboard!
Affairs exist in secrecy... shatter that and in most, not all, cases you will begin to see the demise of the A. Know in advance that your WW will be furious... but expect it and know that it is due to you shattering her little fantasy world.

My WW has been NC for about a week. I have no way to verify this because we are separated. I have felt that exposing the A to her friends and relatives might force her to wake up and move more quickly towards resolution.

the A is exposed to facilitate an end to an affair...not for any other reason at this point. Don't bet that she has been in NC though. If the OM is married, his wife should be informed of this infidelity immediately.

losinit, who is the OM and is he married? Can you give us a synopsis of your situation? Do you have any children? How long married?

My WW and I were together 22 years and M 19. We have two sons, 19 and 17. My wife has been in an EA/PA for almost three years. Last December, she told me she wanted a divorce. She said it was due to my drinking.

At the time I was drinking a lot. My drinking didn't escalate to problem drinking until after the affair started. Anyway, my WW managed to tell her family, my family, and most of our friends that she was leaving me because of my drinking. At the beginning of March she moved out with my younger son. Our house was sold and I moved out on March 19th.

The OM was my WW's boss. He is married and runs a business with his wife. He and his wife have been estranged for many years. They are only together because of their business. In fact, his wife decided she was gay about five years ago, and she has had several live in girlfriends. The OM has had several affairs in that time. He and I actually developed a good friendship prior to the EA.

Twice I confronted my wife about the EA, and actually made her quit her job. She quit her new job a few months later. We could not pay our bills without her income, so she went back to work for the OM. This time, I put constraints on what she could do. There were no phone calls after working hours, and no going out without me. This seemed to work for a while, but I could see that she and the OM were getting close again. Again, I made her quit her job. This only lasted a couple months. She went back to work for him and promised that nothing would happen. By this time, I knew that she was deep in the affair. I suspect that it became PA just before she quit the second time.

After we split and started divorce proceedings, I found MB and became a student on infidelity. I can see several places where our marriage broke down, and I also realized that I still loved my wife. I decided to try to patch things up, and I started working on plan A. It has been a long hard struggle, but it has started to pay off.

My wife and I are spending time together, she went NC last Monday, and she has said that she would like to try to work things out. However, we don't talk about our problems, and she is not ready for MC yet. She is in IC.

And have you started attending AA meetings?

I was going to AA for quit a while. I have also been going to IC. My drinking was back under control within a week of my wife moving out. Go figure. I no longer attend AA, but I am still going to IC, and my therapist knows about my drinking and is trained to council for substance abuse.

lost, if she is trained, then she would send you to AA where they are QUALIFIED to help you. You need AA if you have a drinking problem, not counseling. Where do you think counselors go for their drinking problems?

alcoholics cannot "control" their drinking. Are you an alcoholic?

Mel,

I appreciate your concern. I do not feel that I have a drinking problem, and my therapist, who did require that I go to AA earlier, agrees that my drinking is under control. I do have several friends in AA, and I keep in touch with them. I know where all of the meetings are, and I would not hesitate to go if I needed help. Thank you again for your concern.

No, I, nor my therapist, consider myself to be an alcoholic.

ok, thanks.

Back to my original post, if my WW is NC. Should I still expose the A to her family or friends? I feel very strange that everybody we know knows about my drinking, but noone other than my WW and myself know about the A.

I exposed to everyone and all she did was laugh it off.

Pardner, you've said you can't verify NC. I don't know why you believe it's in effect. Factually your WW is not in NC because she is still working for him, unless I've misinterpreted your posts. Do you actually have anything that validates her contention she's not still deep in an EA/PA with him? Have you considered the possibility WW and OM have only had a little tiff and she's temporarily adrift?

About your reason for exposure: if I were you, I'd guard against exposing your wife's adultery for anything that even might seem petty or vindictive. Keep exposure on one level, the highest. It's a tool used to end an adultery, not a means to ease your embarrassment, okay? If you expose because she's talked about your drinking, you'll regret it later. On the other hand, if you determine the affair is still ongoing, as I suspect it may well be, then use exposure as you would a weapon.

LH

LH-I do believe that my wife is NC. She does not work with the OM anymore. The reason I can't prove this is because we are not living together. We do spend time together each day.
As far as I know the EA/PA is over. The reason I ask about exposing the A is because I wonder if she might not move along faster if she knew the secret was out. I also worry that if the secret is not out, the A could start up again at any moment.
My concern is that, if I expose the A to a family member or close friend of my WW, this could put a wedge between us, and we have been doing pretty good lately.

Okay, so you don't think that you have a drinking problem, but your wife apparently DOES. That needs to be resolved.

I don't believe that she is really having NC, or she wouldn't need "space" to "work on herself". That is what many, many WS's say so that they can continue their affair.