I am trying to find a way of confronting my wife but I cannot and wonder if anyone has a suggestion.

Here is my story. I'll try to be brief.

Several months ago my wife of 15 years started acting strangely towards me. I suspected something was amiss so I scrutinized her email and found out that she had been having an affair for 2 months. I knew she would question why I was in her computer so I told her I accidentally found the deleted email while running software updates. She insisted that it was not physical (although she admitted that she wanted it to become physical). I believed her when she said that it was not sexual). She said that she was not getting the emotional satisfaction from me that she needed. I confronted her with a copy of the email and she admitted the affair. We attended counseling and have pretty much patched things up. Unfortunately in her line of work, she still needs to talk to this individual and has also seen him again in a strictly professional capacity. We have spoken at length about it and I know there is nothing more between them. As far as I am concerned, this ordeal is over.

Being in the computer security and networking field, I did something that I am not proud of but felt I needed to since she had betrayed my trust and I wanted to ensure that when she said this affair was over, it was truly over. I rewired her computer connection so that it would run through a device that would capture all traffic to and from her computer. After her affair came to light, I started monitoring the traffic from her computer and saw nothing unusual except for some emails back and forth from a mutual friend.

After a month or two my monitoring became less and less as my trust for her became greater and greater. I would occasionally run the monitor but never even look at the results.

Yesterday I had some time to kill so I looked at some of the monitored emails and found some disturbing things. There are several emails per day to and from this mutual friend; lets call him “Bob”. Bob and my wife have always been close friends and I know that their banter can get a bit raunchy at times but it had always been on a plutonic nature. I once confronted my wife about her relationship with Bob and she told me there is nothing at all for me to worry about and that she and Bob have always been like that. Looking though the monitored emails most are of a sexual nature. Most appear to be in a joking kind of way but some indicate her desire to be with him. They joked about his erection and oral sex. She mentioned that she wished she could be with him and she thinks about him when she goes to bed. She asked him about internet sex amongst other things.

The emails are actually quick one or two liners that go back and forth, not long love stories so I was initially inclined to believe that they were just jokes between friends but in light of the prior affair, I am very concerned about them. My wife acts completely normal with me and outwardly, there is no indication whatsoever that this is going on. (During her previous affair I could definitely tell that something was wrong).

So here is my dilemma. How do I handle this? If I confront my wife, she will want to know how I found out about the emails. She uses a web-based email program and always deletes the conversation so I cannot say I saw it in the sent folder or recycle bin. I do not want my wife to know that I am spying on her. I feel terrible about spying on the woman I love and adore but it was the only way I could ensure that her previous affair was over. I want to confront her and tell her that what she is doing is wrong but I do not know how to tell her without revealing my source of information.

Confront her with your evidence and decline to tell her HOW you got the information. She already knows the truth, so you don't need to prove to her what she already knows. Tell her you know that she is contact on XYZ, etc. [give her enough details so she knows you know] If she asks how you know, tell her you will not reveal your source.

also, there is nothing wrong with spying when you have good reason, and you do. It is wrong to commit adultery, it is NOT WRONG to catch someone. You have a obligation to protect yourself and you did. The real shame is that you were put in this position by an untrustworthy spouse.

p.s. you didn't spy on her because she was singing too loud in church, but because she is untrustworthy. And your suspicions were validated so it is a good thing you spied on her.

Agree with ML...simply tell her that you know that she's engaged in extremely hurtful and inappropriate behavior with Bob. Tell her that at this point, she needs to drop all contact with Bob...completely.

When she insists on knowing how you know...tell her point blank that you're not going to tell her...HOW is unimportant...the fact that she is DOING it is the focus. Make it clear that you're not going to focus the conversation on that, but on getting the problem fixed.

Once that's done, then you can also start working with her to setup some more appropriate personal boundaries in what she should be discussing with people outside of your marriage.

You really should get into marriage counseling to work through this.

Block Bob's email address and cut off all access to him. Is Bob married? If so, expose your email log to his wife.

The problem with confronting her with the evidence is that she will know that I have a way to see what she sends on her computer, even if she does not know how I do it. She could then find other ways to communicate with Bob that I would not know about. I cannot control her phone or email usage at work. She knows I am very computer-savvy and if I have information like that, she would loose trust in me. She talks to him at work on the phone and meets him occasionally for lunch. She has told me this quite nonchalantly knowing I would think nothing of it since we are all friends.

The only reason I am monitoring my wife’s on-line usage is to gain my trust in her once again. As my original post states, I was getting to the point of not monitoring the network anymore but now I feel as though my trust in her has been broken.

I do not want to divulge the monitoring issue to her because, as ridiculous as this might seem, I want to see if this sort of communication stays at the current level or if something deeper is happening. She has always joked with Bob in this fashion so perhaps I am being too sensitive.

And yes, Bob is married, happily at that.

You don't understand, cannot. This ALREADY IS an affair and will only get worse unless and until you stop it.

And secondly, what is the PURPOSE of snooping if not to PREVENT an affair? There is no point to all this if you are not going to USE this intelligence productively. What else would be the point?


huh? Lose trust? For what? Are you having an affair? I don't understand what you mean here.

OK...you only monitored her to gain your trust in her again.

AND SHE'S BROKEN IT AGAIN!!!

So, now you're back to having no trust. What do you do?

Confront her with her inappropriate actions, set appropriate boundaries, and once again give her the chance to regain that trust...by allowing you to see that she's trustworthy. Obviously, right now, SHE's NOT.

Why wait for it to get worse? It's VERY CLEAR that it's wayyyy wrong for her to have said and done what she has...that's across ANY normal person's boundary.

You need to quit worrying about being sensitive, and step up and protect your marriage. If you do nothing...nothing will change. She'll keep going down this path...because nothing is stopping her from doing so. Not her own boundaries, and not yours.

As far as her figuring out how you knew...its a risk, but let me ask you this:

What value is having the ability to see what she's doing if you're not going to do something about it when she's clearly doing something wrong?

Confront. Heck...log into her email account, and forward on those emails to Bob's wife. If this is all 'just friends'...she couldn't possibly be upset by any of this, could she???

Seriously...time to step up here. You already knew the answer to your question when you posted here...you just need to make it happen.

No, he is not. His wife should receive a copy of those emails so she knows she has a serious problem that needs to be addressed.

BINGO! I wager $100 the affair will end THAT DAY if you do this. CASE CLOSED.

Cannot,

""There are several emails per day to and from this mutual friend; lets call him “Bob”""

Ok, mutual friend as in he is your friend too? I think you need to talk to Bob and tell him, friend to friend, that the emails make you uncomfortable and would like him to cease and desist....and if he doesn't, saying they are no big deal, then advise him that you will let HIS WIFE in on the joke. So you all can have a good chuckle from these steamy emails.

Don't be surprised if some cybersex starts showing up on your monitor.

IMHO

kirk

cgu,

Take those emails and give a copy to Bob's wife, and I guarantee that Bob and your wife will not be allowed to talk again. Problem solved. Don't worry about your wife getting angry, she'll get over it in a few weeks. Worry about her screwing Bob. Even if she hasn't had sex with him yet, they are laying the groundwork to have sex in the future. It is not "innocent" flirting for two married people of the opposite sex to be discussing graphic sexual acts. She IS cheating, just not the conventional sense. This is at the very least virtual cheating and could easily progress (if it already hasn't) into real adultery. Cut it off at the knees RIGHT NOW! Contact Bob's wife today with your evidence, but tell her not to share with Bob how she got it. Make sure you tell her that you do not want Bob contacting your W ever again.

Well said, Jim.

CGU, Jim's nailed it. You don't need friends like Bob. He's intruding into your marriage and you need to get him out of it NOW.

Quote:
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She knows I am very computer-savvy and if I have information like that, she would loose trust in me.
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huh? Lose trust? For what? Are you having an affair? I don't understand what you mean here.
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My rationale for saying she would loose trust in me is based on how I would feel if I found out that my spouse was “spying” on me. It would make me uneasy to send email from my computer knowing that I was being monitored. Everyone replying to my post seems unanimous on what I should do. It’s easier to see a different perspective when presented with one.

I will not bring Bob’s wife into the picture. (For the moment anyway) I cannot forward emails since she deletes them but I can re-create what my network sniffer has captured and present her with that.

I am still a little hesitant because even though I am concerned about her dialog with Bob, our relationship after her first affair has been great. We no longer see a counselor and have both agreed that we get along better now than before. There is no emotional or physical indication from her that this dialog is going on. It was very different the first time around. Perhaps that is why I am attempting to justify my hesitance. I know what the readers to this thread will say and I agree with all so in spite of my hesitance, I will confront her.

What is the point of you posting here if you don't listen to our advice? Doesn't Bob's wife deserve to know? You are not going to get anyone to respond to your thread if you just ignore us and do your own thing. If you want your wife to screw Bob, that's fine, don't listen. People only have a problem being spied on if they are doing something wrong. Do you want access to my email? I have nothing to hide. If she has a problem with you monitoring her emails after she has cheated and is in the process of cheating again, then she shouldn't be married to you. This is my last post to you until you tell Bob's wife. Doesn't she deserve to know before her husband screws another woman?

My XH only started to have a problem with me seeing his email once his EA started. Before that, we shared the same email.

It didn't become "snooping" until he had something to hide.

A recovering adulterer needs to be transparent. If they are NOT, then they are not attempting to establish broken trust. If they don't care if you trust them or not, then why bother. Either you want your marriage or not. It is that simple. The rule is simple. Engrave it on your forhead so you can see it if you shave.

Neither of you should do anything behind the other's back you wouldn't do in front of them, period, the end.

If your wife doesn't respect you, how does avoiding the task of insuring her fidelity by holding her accountable for what she does gonna make her respect you less? Are you afraid of what she is going to do? What about what she has already done - to bring things into perspective.

Larry

CGU:

Your wife is hiding stuff from you.

Her first EA, Now this one.

She isn't logging on and sending these jokes/emails/innuendo to BOB with a "CC" to you is she?

No. Cause she doesn't want you to know.

So. You can email Bob. And tell him to stop. "Bob, you have crossed over the line with Mrs CGU. Stop NOW."

He might, he might not. You do not have to threaten him with telling his W.

If the emails continue, then you send them to his W. Give him a week. Print them off and mail them to W with a cover letter.

"Bob's W:

I recently discovered that your H was co-oresponding via email with my W. I know we are family friends, but I thought that some of these are going beyond marital boundaries.

Please contact me at xxx-xxxx if you have any further questions.

I have been terribly troubled since I discovered this information 1 week ago. Mrs CGU and I are going to be working on fixing our M.

CGU

Short, sweet and to the point.

Don't threaten, he will go to his W, and tell her you are crazy.

And since he doesn't know how you know, you can monitor the emails and find out what he does with your W.

And can your W use other methods to speak with Bob? Text, Cell, Semaphores, smoke signals?

Yes.

But that is her choice. If she wants to crawl into his lap, that's her choice too.

We can help you to monitor these methods as well.

BTW, you never even have to say a word to your W about methods or anything else.

If Bob stops contacting your W? Problem solved with Bob. And you have never revealed your sources.

If Bob doesn't stop contacting your W, Then the problem isn't solved and other methods need to be used.

And you can find that assistance around her also.

And have you read His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) yet?

Your W is missing something in her M with you. Do you have any ideas as to what they might be?

Speaking of assistance....

LG

I still don't understand what you are talking about. It is untrustworthy to have an affair, it is NOT UNTRUSTWORTHY to catch someone having an affair. Do you think that the police are "untrustworthy" when they catch drug dealers? No one has the right to the privacy to have an affair.



It is a huge mistake to not bring her into the picture. First off, she has a right and a need to know. Secondly, it will help stop the affair, and yes this is an affair, if there are two people watching from both ends.


Please trust us that this is the right thing to do. We say this in the INTEREST of your marriage because we know where this is headed if you don't. This IS an affair NOW and she is sinking headlong into a fantasy world. You have the power in your hands to stop that free fall.

Ok, I had to think about it:


In my opinion.

You are afraid. You are afraid you are right and she is starting to slide down the hill again or has already slid. This is called cranial recticulitous. You are afraid that if you confront her and she isn't doing anything, she will. You are afraid that you are right and she has once again crossed the line. You are afraid that if you say anything, she will bail on you. You hope that if you keep silent, she will see the light all by herself.

Ok, I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

Your first step is to conquer your fear. And the reason is that until you do, she is in control of the gradual decline of your marriage to the point where she is gone with the wind. You must conquer your fear or you will not have her respect. You must conquer your fears because they paralyse you. You must grow a pair and draw up boundaries in your relationship. There is a difference between boundaries and controlling another person.

Study the difference. Respect yourself so someone else will respect you too.

Larry