Need help fast, I was here 4 years ago, wife of 14 years cheated with best friend. I tried everything...ended in divorce..wife and friend married..been married 1.5 years...

fast forward 2.5 years

I met a woman and had been dateing her for the past year or so, I have been very selective and took my time...several months of dateing the we were initmate.. all sounds great so far.
I introduce her to my family, friends, childre, and co-workers....

NOW for the past several months I get the old, I cant find a baby sitter, Got school, her work etc...THEIS PEAKED MY INTREST...much harder to get in touch with etc...I asked at least 25 times if she wanted me to back off, quit calling etc and she always said no, Im busy...she would always come over to swim and had her kid. alone time stopped..
only alone time was when we met for lunch in public..


I put a keystroke recorder on my home pc and found her email address and password.

She has been having an affair with a man for 2 years. I have been dateing her for 1 year, I have round about asked her if she was seeing someone and even mentioned his name. No we are just friends..standard reply. this guy is married
he is 56 she is 29....I am 43.

Early on she ask what do I look for in a woman and I told her first she must be single and told her my story over time.

last night I and a group of friends shw up where she was at sitting with a group of people...of course she was next to him. As I walked over she darted from the table. I introduced myself. just sai Hi I am ... She was nervous...VERY

I even sent a drink to the table...We were sitting 6 feet
apart, she never made I contact with me...only later after I left did she call all MIFFED, She said she was not ready to introduce me to her group of friends..it has been over a year, I have met some of them but never this guy she was sitting next to...

She called this am telling me it was over etc..

what now

Do you really need to ask?

"what now"

Are you serious? I think you know.... she is NOT for you. Find a higher class of woman. I'm sorry you wasted a year, but please do not waste any more time with her!

you were able to get a 29 year old, you'll be fine. This time choose one that doesn't cheat.

looks to me like she obviously has a thing for wayyyyyy older men. 56? are you kidding me?

you can totally do better than this little piece of work. try someone a little closer to your age next time. maybe 35 or older. i am quite sure that will make a difference. you went out for a year and the red flags were not going up for you when she said she wasn't ready to introduce you to her circle of friends? HELLO.

dump the bimbo.

mlhb

gblogbd,

Jeepers,I remember you from GQII long ago ( get busy living or get busy dying).

I think the writing is on the wall.Since the GF ended it,let her go.She's 14 years younger than you,playing games and a cheater, as you said.Not good relationship material in my mind.

Hope the kids are well.

gblogbd,

My recommendation: Go for a woman nearer her peak.

From my experience this is a woman in her late 30's-50's.

She will be more mature. She will have well defined values. She will have a better idea of the kind of man she wants in her life. She is still quite good looking AND you will have much more in common with her.

You don't know it yet, but at 43 the best of life is yet to be seen. See it with someone who appreciates life as well. At 20 something or even 30 something, really isn't quite there yet. Sorry ladies if I offend, but really you all get much better as you age. You really do.

gblogbd, you need to realize these things and leave the young ones to those foolish boys or really foolish old men. You are neither.

God Bless,

JL

Thank you JL!! Well spoken and certainly no offense IMO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

At 41 I have never felt happier,smarter,more experienced,sure of what I want AND....I am still a size 4 and look great! Who says that younger is better.I wouldn't trade being who I am now with being "younger", in age that is.I feel so much more ME than 15/20 years ago.

gblogbd, there is a lot more out there than a cheating GF,regardless of age.It may hurt,depending on how attached you were to her but try to overlook the emotional pain of separating now for what may have been if you stay with her.

Good luck

Ok here goes...

Also, did not know I left such an impression several years ago. Wife left on 14th wedding Aniv. 13 months later we were divorced and 6 mo later she married my EX best friend of 21 years...they have been married 1.5 years..

now for the update, as soon as the girlfried said it was over she called back and said she still wants to date/see me. She called me today and wanted to go to the movies her daughter and my daughter as well, we wnet then out to eat for lunch then back to my house to swim. She left 20 min ago, said she was going to her moms for supper.

I raked her over the coals regarding not introducing me to her friends, she said she would just not right now, said she was not ready. I asked her if her boyfriend asked about me and she said no. I asked directly if she had an affair or has ever had one, she said no. She started crying several times when I told her how much I loved her and
how much she meant to me.

Now as for going after the younger women, she came to me.
we emailded for a month before we ever went out, I have asked her numerous times to let me know if i should go away, I even asked today, she said no she wants me in hewr life, she said she needs time to figure her life out. this girl is broke..I WILL NOT LOAN HER MONEY! I just tell her she will find a way.

my email is scf157 @ yahoo

I am impressed American Beauty remembered the Get busy living or get busy die'n

Steve

She is cheating...and she is poor and broke? She has asked to borrow money from you???

If you are smart you will dump this one and move on. It will be torture if you continue the relationship with this woman.

Of course, she doesn't want you to go away. She's using you. Someone to treat her to things she says she can't afford.

It sounds like you could do better. I know it's hard to end a relationship but how good a relationship is it when she won't introduce you to the rest of her life. You may have told her you were interested in single women but failed to mention the word 'honest'.

I'm sure it is an ego boost to be seen with her. But I imagine that it must hurt when she seems to hide from you. Perhaps you need someone with interests and maturity closer to your own.

classic. younger woman ALWAYS goes for older man when she knows he can buy her stuff, take her nice places, have her live the way she wants to live. i have seen it time and again. you are being used bud.

either you or the 56 year old are back up plans. if one of you doesn't work out, the other one is a back up. she wants to be taken care of. of course she is the one who emailed you! she saw a nice guy who she could easily take advantage of.

not trying to be mean but we see it happen over and over here. good lord, go and read some of coughlins threads! this happens to him all the time. get over the ego boost, and, i feel really badly that you have feelings for her. the red flags are EVERYWHERE.

her not introducing you to friends is a HUGE ONE.
please heed our advice.... or you are going to get very very hurt. stop seeing her, end it.

girls of this kind have personally touched my life and i have not one ounce of respect for them.

mlhb

ok, lets get over the age thing, it is not the be all end all and the sole reason for our relationship. When we are together it is genuine, Her daughter and mine play well and get along well together.

I know the not introducing me to her friends is huge, She
HAS introduced me to her family, mother and sisters, She has asked me to go to company functions where she works.

I really like her as dumb as this sounds...FOR HER..
She had no idea how much or little money I made when we met.
I was in Blue jeans and a T-shirt, she was the one that was dressed up.

NOW here is a question and dont beat me to death for asking
I tried all the advice here last time with no luck so give me some slack..

OK I have written her a letter telling her I know about the affair, how she shows all of the signs and how her betrayal has led to great hurt. I told her how she has betrayed me, my family, friends and children, I also say as long as she is having the affair to not call me or contact me until she is through and then we can see what will happen with us.

I told her there is no gaurentee's and that it was up to her
right now when I ask about where she was or went she says if you trust me you should not have to ask me...I KNOW ALREADY..OK, I am just telling you what is going on

should I give her the letter, Also I have found a song to give her... Walking Away by Johnny Lang

Thanks
Steve

Steve,

Ok,let's forget the age thing and the love thing too.

You have already been thru one affair situation before.Your GF failed to admit to it so far and she refuses to let you meet her friends for whatever reason.These are 2 big issues and you can work thru them if you want to see what happens but ask yourself if you really feel it's that important to do,at this stage,with this person,now.You aren't even married yet but this relationship is not on the best footing.Sure it can feel genuine ( to you) and most kids get along anyway.

But most all of us felt our relationships were genuine too,even while an A was going on right under our noses.I don't think that really is a consideration.The actions of the perosn you are with are critical.She's cheated on you,kept it hidden,maybe she will even deny it once you confront her.

One question,when you started to date,did you both decide to be exclusive? You mentioned the GF has been with this other guy for 2 years and you were dating for a bit over 1 year.Do you really think it's an A? Maybe she felt she could see both of you? Not sure,just asking.

That's a very evasive statement. Of course you don't trust her. Tell her so. That's a guilt statement. It makes it seem like you are the one with the problem and deflects the attention back on you. Tell her that you know about her other friend and you no longer trust that you are her one and only as you have been lead to believe.

trust me, the age is only one factor here.
she could be 43 like you and i would be telling you to dump her.

she cheats while you are dating, she will certainly do it if you were to marry.

why do men have such a hard time believing that they could be being used by a younger woman (or any woman for that matter)? i don't get it.

let's turn it around...
say i am 43 and dating a 29 year old, same scenerio you have described... what would you advise one of us to do?

mlhb

I'd say you must be really hot to bag a 29 year old dude.


I'd say the same thing. Cheaters are cheaters. The lack of trust she has now inserted into the "relationship" is there forever.

Well, I echo the advice to dump her. She's using you. I sympathize with your pain - it's real for you, but apparently it's NOT real for her. That's the point. It's a shame that there are people out there who will do this - but there are.

My XH is still tangled up with a woman 8 years younger than himself, and he's still thinking he loves her/she loves him even though she and her kids lived with him for a year +, she never worked a day, he was in financial chaos and his credit is ruined. She turned around after using him to care for her kids for 6 weeks while she went back to her home state, and 3 days after she came back, she announced she was moving back to her home state.

And HE is still in touch with her, even after all that and she left his place a dump. He's planning a vacation to see her in 6 weeks and he's actually *thinking* of moving out there, and abandoning his kids.

I'm quietly trying to work on an R... but that won't happen til she's out of his system, and honestly I can't see him moving out there, but he's made some incredibly strange choices these last few years so who knows?

Anybody looking at his situation can see he's been used, abused and hung out to try, but he obviously doesn't. I don't know if she's cheating on him but nothing would surprise me at this point.

I'm sorry that you found a dud. But she's just that, a DUD. She's having her cake and eating it too - two men who love her and spoil her - and neither knows about the other. Nice. I'm glad you aren't lending her money as such, but I'm sure she's taking from you in other ways, even if no money is involved.

You sound like a decent guy - find yourself a decent woman - there are lots of us out there who would appreciate a good man, and not screw around on him.

You can keep making excuses for her all you want - it doesn't change what she's doing. You were curious enough to investigate, you didn't like what you found - but at least you know now. You can choose to stick your head back into the sand, or you can choose to take your power back because you know what you know.

If you keep making excuses for her, she's going to keep using you as long as she can. Either sooner or later she'll get bored and move on, OR you'll decide enough's enough and put a stop to it (most likely the latter).

So it's up to you - do you want to continue to invest emotion into somebody who is just going to drain you in any way that she can? Or do you think enough of yourself that you deserve better, and lose this loser?

Sorry to be harsh - I think you *were* a victim in this - but now that you know what you know, you're not a victim anymore - if you let it go on, you're a willing target.

JinGA

Ok She came over today and we laid out and swam, She said she was very in to me. I KNOW THIS IS BS!!! I more or less right now have the crystal ball, I told her I knew ever thing about her.. she just said no way, I told her I assured her I did.... She thinks I am kidding.

ha ha ha ha ha the joke is on her.

my question is should I let the other guy know about me?
I have not read his email to her yet, I have to wait until she reads it first.

My friends are going to start showing up where they are.

She told me today that she wanted me to come to a race
and watch her but she is just not ready to introduce me to her friends. I am pushing that very hard nodays..

She said if she did not want me around she would tell me, I told her today she was acting exactly like my ex-wife did

her eyes teared up, I told her I cared for her very dearly
she gives my daughters hugs and kisses when she leaves and tells them she loves them, she never has show affection in front of her daughter, she said she will when she is ready.

Should I let the other guy know I know about teh affair?

you're not married. you can't really use marriage builders principles on a dating relationship. it is not a committment. you can tell the guy if you want but what do you hope will happen? that she will dump him and come running to you?

the old water works, a few tears shed to pull at your heart strings. why are you doing this to yourself. just end it for crying out loud. it is NOT worth it.

mlhb